I don’t know who we need to thank for the fact that The Bachelorette is two hours long this season, but clearly the person who made that programming decision is about twenty-two kinds of brilliant. I’m telling you: a mere hour cannot contain all the Bachelorette goodness.
Tonight we found out right off the bat that there are going to be two individual dates and one group date. Now I’m no mathematician, but I’m pretty sure that means that you have three dates spread among sixteen guys, so those individual dates offer a HUGE advantage. Ed was the first guy picked for an individual date, and I was tickled because Melanie and I have said from the very beginning that he seemed like the best “normal guy” pick for Jillian.
HOWEVER.
Jillian very nearly ruined my happy anticipation of their date when she said, “I want him and I just to be alone.”
PEOPLE. WHAT IS SO TERRIBLY DIFFICULT ABOUT CORRECT PRONOUN USAGE? DIDN’T WE COVER THIS IN THE EIGHTH GRADE? DO I NEED TO MAKE SOME CHARTS AND SEND THEM TO ABC?
Fortunately, my pronoun disappointment was tempered by the fact that the producers broke out the first official Soaring Ballad of the season to accompany Jillian and Ed’s helicopter ride. I’ve watched enough of these things to know that a Soaring Ballad means things are going to go SUPER WELL for Ed. They don’t waste that music on guys who are headed home.
In typical first date fashion, Ed and Jillian followed up their helicopter ride with some sort of urban rappelling (PUN ALERT: “In order to fall in love, you have to take A LEAP OF FAITH”), and then they went swimming. Ed wore his belt. Something tells me he’s a bit preppy.
At the end of their date Jillian and Ed (do you think they’d mind if I call them Jed?) had dinner on top of a rooftop, and there was much chemistry between them. In fact, I haven’t seen a TV couple with so much chemistry since, well, Jason and Melissa on last season’s Bachelor. So based on how all of that worked out: LOOK OUT, JED!
To absolutely no one’s surprise, Jillian gave Ed a rose. And I would like to go on the record right here and now – on June 1, 2009 – with the following bold prediction: “Ed. FINAL TWO. The end.”
The next date was a group date with 11 – ELEVEN – guys, and I really don’t think I can re-cap what happened because just thinking about spending time with eleven other people at once and trying to talk to each one of them equally made me shiver. Those guys were jammed into their limo like sardines, and IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH, when I saw that they were going to be filming “scenes” for a “movie,” I had to bury my head in my hands because all I could think of was Jason’s “General Hospital” date debacle and why, why would the producers subject us to that level of awkward again, WHY?
Seriously, y’all. It was physically painful. I had to fast forward through parts of it. And when Wes used his corny line that went something like, “Now I can’t have you cheating on me, little lady,” I felt an overwhelming urge to stand up and make a snide remark about that denim duster coat he was wearing. But I didn’t because I am far too mature for such things, as evidenced by the fact that I am sitting in my house on a Monday night and blogging about a reality television show where grown men perform in skits in order to woo a woman they’ve known for less than a week.
After they “filmed” their “scenes,” everybody went to a place downtown for some cocktails. Juan wouldn’t stop touching Jillian, and then Tanner P started in on the feet stuff again. And speaking of that, do you know what’s sort of funny about Tanner P’s obsession with Jillian’s feet?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
Anyway, Jillian gave the group date rose to Robby, and I bet you a dollar to a donut that when he got back to the bunkhouse he made a Robsmo to celebrate.
The next individual date went to Sasha, who made my whole week when he said the following: “I always refer to myself as a wolf, because most people sort of follow and stay in line but I’m always looking for that mythical unicorn.”
Anybody have any idea at all what that means?
Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?
Jillian and Sasha went to an automotive museum and looked at cars and took pictures of each other? Because that’s fun? And comfortable? Then they got to drive a Ferrari and afterwards they ate dinner next to some old cars. It was also the first date in Bachelor history where unicorns were mentioned FOUR TIMES for no discernible reason.
Bueller?
Sadly, Jillian didn’t give Sasha a rose. Nor did she give him that “mythical unicorn.”
And, as we all know, the “mythical unicorn” is vastly different and far more valuable than all the real-live unicorns that roam freely among us.
After the date Wes took it upon himself to walk up to the mansion and hope someone in the music industry was watching the show serenade Jillian. It would have been really sweet if it hadn’t been one of the most shamefully cheesy moments I’ve ever witnessed.
The rose ceremony got a little tense because David, who didn’t have a date this week, finally got a chance to talk to Jillian but was interrupted five minutes later by Juan. Juan apparently wanted to sit down and chat with Jillian about her wardrobe choices while he used a tone of voice that was so gentle and soft that it frightened me. Maybe it’s just that he remembered way too much about Jillian’s clothes. Maybe it’s because he said “a hoodie and some sweats” twice in one minute. Maybe it’s because he was trying WAAAAAY too hard. But OH, the awkward, it was palpable.
There was some drama between David and Juan (David thinks Juan is fake and aloof; Juan claims he is only there for Jillian). Then Jillian talked to Chris in the Chamber of Headshots, and she gave roses to everybody you’d expect (even Tanner P, whose foot ishahs don’t seem to bother her a bit). Juan and David both got roses, which wasn’t shocking at all since there’s still some quality dramatic TV to be had between those two in them thar Bachelorette hills. We had to bid farewell to Tanner F and Brad, both of whom were disappointed that Jillian can’t seem to see through the guys that they perceive as insincere.
I for one cannot imagine that anyone who signs up for a reality television dating show would have anything other than the noblest and purest intentions.
And, of course, a hankerin’ for some mythical unicorns.
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