Archives for January 2012

Deeply Felt Deep Thoughts Of Considerable Depth And Feeling

Our little Miss America viewing party this past Saturday night was THE MOST FUN, mainly because everybody’s comments were hysterical. It was definitely a multi-media viewing experience, and between updating the blog post, reading the comments, and responding to texts, I thought, Gosh. This is exactly how I watched the pageant back in 1978 when I could talk to one person at a time on the rotary dial phone and my parents still had an antenna on their TV and we had to use one of those clicky things to make the signal stronger.

Technology is a kick, y’all.

I still don’t understand why Miss Texas didn’t win, and a college friend of mine may or may not have been so outraged by Miss Texas’ absence from the Top 5 that they promptly clicked over to the Miss America pageant’s Facebook page and LET THEIR THOUGHTS BE KNOWN. As for me, I’ve never been less accurate in my Top 5 predictions than I was Saturday, so apparently my finger is no longer on the pulse of the Miss America program. I’m saddened and confused.

The other big development this past Saturday (besides Mississippi State’s basketball win over Alabama, of course) is that I realized that my contact lenses were feeling a little dry. Usually this is my sign that it’s time to put in a new pair of lenses, only, HOLD ON, I FORGOT TO RE-ORDER THEM.

In light of this tragic turn of events (oh, how I do enjoy the hyperbole), I decided that wearing my glasses for a few days wasn’t the worst thing in the world (sidenote: I cannot mention eyeglasses without thinking about Jan Brady refusing to wear her eyeglasses and, as a result, careening into the garage on her bicycle and slamming into the hidden family portrait and SURELY SHE LEARNED HER LESSON). I wore my glasses most of Saturday, and that night, when I got ready to take off my make-up, I saw my skin with a whole new level of contact-free clarity.

And y’all. All I know to say is that it was humbling. I’ve been trying a new line of skin care stuff (I’ll share all the details once I’m sure whether or not I’m going to stick with it), so I know that what I saw in the mirror Saturday night is better than what I would’ve seen a month ago, but all I could think of was Dear Self? WHAT HAPPENED? I felt like every pore on my face was big enough to apply for statehood, not to mention that there are some little dry bumps underneath my eyes that I’ve never seen before. It was all I could do not to pour a whole vial of Retinol on my face and hope for a fresh start, but I restrained myself since I didn’t want to go to church Sunday morning with half of my face peeling off.

What I did do, though, was to carve out some time Sunday afternoon for a little trip to Sephora. I made a beeline for all the skin care products at the back of the store, and the nice sales clerk had barely gotten the words, “Ma’am? May I help you with something?” out of her mouth before I whirled around with a serious case of the crazy eyes and said, “OH YES PLEASE BECAUSE I AM IN DIRE NEED OF SOME EXFOLIATION.”

For the next 30 minutes I nearly bored that sweet girl to tears with tales of my very specific skin care needs and issues and requirements and concerns. In the end she recommended an all-natural / made-from-some-special-trees-somewhere / completely-free-of-parabolaoctagon-something-or-other gentle exfoliator that’s supposed to make my skin better and also solve the world economic crisis. SO WE’LL SEE.

Finally, I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before or not, but right after Christmas I discovered that Nick at Nite shows four (FOUR!) episodes of Friends every single night (EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!). I promptly set the DVR to record all of them, and while I’ve tried my best to stay caught up (re-watching the episodes about Ross’ wedding to Emily was an especially delightful time), I dropped the TV ball last week and got a little behind. Which is why there are currently 23 episodes of Friends on our DVR. And it’ll be 27 by midnight tonight.

So if you need to find me, I’ll be right here, trying to catch up on Friends, lamenting the fact that Miss Texas was ROBBED, I TELL YOU, ROBBED, all the while obsessively exfoliating my face and awaiting the arrival my new contacts.

I’m just livin’ the dream, people.

Just livin’ the dream.

Miss America Viewing Party 2012

All righty, everybody. I’ll go ahead and warn you that I’m going to update this post an obnoxious amount while the pageant is on, so between my wordiness and incoming comments, we’re all going to have to refresh the page from time to time.

I know. It’s not exactly a fancy plan, but it’ll do, hopefully.

See y’all in a few minutes!

As a point of order, I would just like to mention that I washed my face a few minutes ago but was so excited that I forgot to put on moisturizer. So I made it back to the TV in time for the pageant, but my face is now about to crack open. MISS AMERICA IS WORTH THE SACRIFICE.

Oh, wait – I am unfamiliar with this off-site introductory business. I LOVE MISS ARKANSAS (“called a hog”). These puns are magnificent.

I think the Las Vegas Visitors’ Bureau had a say in how the introductions are done. And yes, Miss Idaho totally called herself “a hot potato.” Also: I was unaware that Marky Mark is a sweet treat. But BREAK IT DOWN, GIRLS, with the dance moves.

I know I’m partial, but Miss Mississippi looks fantastic. And listen – all these old-school opening statements (“having fun is always the Maine event,” “from the home state of Nike, here tonight to Just Do It”) are making me clap my hands.

God bless Chris Harrison. He really is a perfect host, don’t y’all think?

There’s a Head Judge? WHERE DO I SIGN UP?!?!

Top 15 is silly, but nonetheless, we have Miss Oklahoma, Miss South Carolina, Miss Florida, Miss New York, Miss Iowa, Miss Texas (WHO IS DARLIN’), Miss Virginia, Miss Illinois (“There she creates, there she gives”), Miss Arizona, Miss Alabama (YAAAAAAAAY!), Miss Tennessee (WHO IS ALSO DARLIN’), Miss Wisconsin, (COMMERCIAL BREAK), Miss North Carolina, Miss California (sidenote: I don’t really need for my Miss America to be edgy, nor do I want her to manipulate the media, but I understand that I am old), and Miss Louisiana.


You know what I’d love? A good production number.

This is sort of like watching The Hills if The Hills took place on a really big stage. With crowns.

Swimsuit competition? I miss those old one-pieces that looked like they were made of vinyl. And looking at all these six-pack abs reminds us that I’ve got some pimento cheese in the refrigerator. I think I’ll go make me a sandwich.

I miss the three-point turn.

I think it might lead to some ish-ahs if you’re eliminated right after the swimsuit competition.

Three blondes left. The hair color tide, it is a-turnin’.

Now that is just mean. For girls to have to line up behind the girl they want to stay? OH MY WORD SO MEAN.

I just said this when I replied to an email, but clearly that whole “stand behind the girl you want to save” thing was designed by a man. A MAN WHO HAS NEVER BEEN A GIRL IN JUNIOR HIGH.

Dear Miss Illinois: You are gorgeous, but Miss America does not use the phrase “sex appeal.” And I LOOOOOVE Miss South Carolina’s gown.

Dear Miss Texas: Your gown is perfection.

A Person Who Shall Remain Unnamed just texted me and said, “Alabowma.” SO GOOD. And I thought everybody looked gorgeous in evening gown, by the way.

Y’all? Is she dancing to a Prince song?

Talent: Miss Arizona (cute routine, strange music), Miss Illinois (maybe not the most difficult routine, but certainly better than I could do, you know, EVER), Miss Oklahoma (IRISH STEP DANCE, AMEN), but I’m having a hard time concentrating on the talents because I’m obsessed with the strange facts and can’t stop thinking about how Miss Illinois is AFRAID OF WINDMILLS.


Miss Texas (very talented at piano as well as her ability to sit gracefully in a dress with a slit cut up to her hip), Miss Wisconsin (some opera something or other), Miss New York (oh, this is my kind of Miss America vocal, yes ma’am), Miss Louisiana (it’s like an Ann Margret number in toe shoes – I don’t mind it – and she ALMOST SWALLOWED A DIAMOND), Miss Tennessee (bonus points for singing something from Cats in Italian), Miss Iowa (You Raise Me Up – a crowd pleaser), Miss California (appears to be LEGIT as far as her ballet skillz are concerned; her interpretation of the black swan was very EDGY, I have to say). :-)

My prediction for Top 5: Texas, Louisiana, Tennessee, California, Oklahoma – what do y’all think?

Top 5, for real: Wisconsin, Oklahoma, Arizona, New York, California (I’VE NEVER BEEN LESS ACCURATE). In my humble opinion, Miss Texas and Miss Louisiana should’ve been in the Top 5.

4th Runner-Up – Miss California
3rd Runner-Up – Miss Arizona
2nd Runner-Up – Miss New York
1st Runner-Up – Miss Oklahoma
Miss America – Miss Wisconsin

Well, that was just so fun! More fun! It was just so much fun!

Thanks, y’all, for being the best commenters in the whole wide ever. I had the best time with y’all!

(I still can’t believe Texas and Louisiana weren’t Top 5.)

(I’ll try to get over it.)

(‘Night, everybody!)

Miss America Viewing Party Tonight, 8 Central

Tonight about 7:55 central I’ll set up a post for our Miss America festivities. I’ll probably do a live blogging-type thing and update the post throughout the pageant. Y’all can take over the comments, and I’ll jump in there from time to time, too. I think the easiest way to talk back and forth is via the “reply” button, but posting a regular ole comment will work just fine, too.

One last thing. This will all be in good fun, so, like I said before the Miss Mississippi viewing party, let’s please be mindful that somebody’s mama or cousin or great-aunt Ethel could stop by and read what we say. In other words: let’s do our very best not to say anything hurtful. These girls are darlin’.

See y’all later tonight!

Top 5 Miss America Moments – #1

This was probably the first time in my life that I realized that dance could be worshipful. It still gives me goosebumps.

Absolutely beautiful.

Top 5 Miss America Moments – #2

I think this is the third time I’ve posted this video on my blog.



Top 5 Miss America Moments – #3

Lemme get this straight.

She can control two dummies/puppets/whatever-you-call-them, remain utterly poised, rock a one-shoulder sequin jumpsuit and yodel without moving her mouth?

Somebody needs to give that girl a crown.