Now I’m Officially Fascinated

So I was all prepared tonight to tell y’all about a new book by Pete Wilson called Empty Promises, but then I went looking for a link on the Twitter and one of Pete’s tweets totally sidetracked me.


I was scrolling through Pete’s Twitter feed, minding my own business (okay. not really that last thing. because if you’re pouring over someone’s Twitter feed, to some degree you are all up in their business.), when I saw that Pete mentioned that he and his (darlin’) wife, Brandi, go to bed at the same time 99% of the time.

And I will confess to you that I was somewhat flabbergasted.

Because 99% of the time? THAT IS REMARKABLE.

Honestly, it’s one of those things that I’ve never really thought about very much, but now I’m going to ask everybody I know about it. D and I go to bed around the same time, but I am way more of a night owl than he is, so it’s not unheard of for me to be awake an hour or two after he falls asleep. Most of the people in my family operate this same way: Daddy has always been one to stay up later than Mama (I get my night owl gene from him); Sister sometimes stays up later than her husband; and my brother is always – ALWAYS – up later than my sister-in-law. We laugh about how we all like to roam around the house after everybody is asleep, and I guess I just thought we were normal(-ish) because it’s all I’ve ever known.

But now Pete and Brandi have just rocked my world with their 99% (which I think is wonderful and admirable, by the way). I honestly considered texting some of my friends to conduct an impromptu poll, but then I decided it would be a kick to ask more people and conduct an official-type poll right here.

Well, “official” might be a strong term now that I think about it.

Nonetheless, I’m just as curious as I can be. So let’s see how this one plays out.

By the way, the poll answers might in fact be the most poorly worded poll answers in the history of polls. I probably should be ashamed and maybe should do a little editing, but TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE, people. I am a nosy person with a purpose right now.

And I cannot wait to see your answers!

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  1. During our premarital counseling, our pastor advised us to always go to bed at the same time. He said it would be a safeguard for our marriage for a number of reasons. For instance, it would mean that (more than likely) we wouldn’t go to bed angry with one another. It would also give us time to talk about our days. It has been excellent advice. 14 years later, we’re still taking his advice.

    • That is the same advice we got and I can count on on hand the times that we have not gone to bed at the same time and they were always when I have a newborn and needed to go to sleep at like 7:30!

    • Ours did too! We took his advice, and are mostly still following it 21 years later! Although I’ll admit that usually I want to stay up later, I think it’s strengthened our marriage, and it’s good for intimacy.

  2. Interesting question. I always thought (before I got married) that I would go to bed at the same time as my husband. But, I’m an early riser since I have had kids. He is a night owl. So, our schedules are totally off and we sometimes go to bed and wake up hours apart. I wish it wasn’t so, but that is what works for us.

  3. We too go to bed at different times. After 31 years, it seems to work. However, I DO see the value in going to sleep together.

  4. Not surprisingly, I’m confused. Leave it to me to complicate a simple question.

    Dea and I actually get in the bed at the same time, but he stays up WAY later than I do – like an hour or two later. So, I’m going with “no” on the poll.

    Thinking about our friends, I don’t think I know a single couple who do go to sleep at the same time. Seems like one is always an early bird and the other a night owl. Hmmmm.

    • I get that. We get in bed at the same time and he watches tv and I read the newspaper and I almost always fall asleep first, so I guess I’m a yes and no answer!

    • I have to go with a “no”, too… we go to bed at the same time but I read for an hour or so before shutting out the light and turning off the TV.

  5. When my husband is not at the fire station, we usually go to bed at the same time. Unless I’m really, really tired (as in, slathering on the mentholatum approximately 47 seconds after I’m certain the man child is asleep), it bothers me if we don’t go to bed at the same time. Neither of us get enough sleep, and it is comforting for me to know that my husband is in bed and on his way to sleep at the same time I am.

    • If I would have read your response before writing my own, I could have just said “ditto”. Fire department and all, that’s how we operate :)

    • Holly M. says:

      I am going to say ditto to you both, except that I am the firefighter! And I always keep Mentholatum at the station too :-)

      • I am so clueless and need clarification. What purpose does the Mentholatum serve? One of my friends uses it at bedtime too, and her husband jokingly refers to it as her “special perfume”, but honestly, I’ve never asked her exactly why she applies it. Please advise as I may be in need of some and not even know it!

        • I need to be enlightened as well. when I think of mentholatum, I think of my grandma.

        • it is a way to at least be able to breathe when you go to sleep. and it also moisturizes my nose.

          • Becky in 'Bama says:

            I have used Mentholatum on my lips for 35+ years… unfortunately I am a mouth breather (bad sinuses) and it keeps my lips from turning to leather.
            Learned that from my deceased father-in-law.

          • Thanks Margaret and Becky. I think I get it now. Since I have lots of allergies, I am sure that Mentholatum is probably in my future, too. Yippee, I can’t wait for that milestone!

  6. You make me laugh every single time I stop by here. It took about 2 years for me to get the mister to go to bed the same time I do. And maybe it wasn’t right to make him, but I was very concerned about his sleeping enough, and also very irritated at him sleeping until noon the following day when we had things to do. :)

  7. Hubby and I both go to bed at the same time, but often one of us will read, play on the ipad, etc while the other one falls asleep. Even with small children that make this mamma fall asleep almost instantly, I have trouble actually sleeping until the hot man is in bed with me. Going to bed at the same time also means there is a little more something/something goin’ on more often…I know, TMI, but we do have a healthy marriage!

  8. We’ve been married 44 years and almost never go to bed at the same time. He is an early-to-bed, early-to-rise sort of person and my body clock is just not set that way. If I go to bed early I just lie there for hours so I stay up till I feel I am sleepy enough to get to sleep. My mom always stayed up later than my dad. She & I watched TV together, folded clothes, and talked so it has never seemed odd to me.

  9. Happy geek says:

    Hubs is a shift worker. I am a dayhome operator. On his days off we try to go to bed together, but tonight I am heading to bed shortly and he still has 7 hours left at work. This is pretty normal for us.

  10. My husband and I always made a point of going to bed at the same time. It’s a time to talk, cuddle, and pray before we fall asleep. I always feel like we’re more in tune with each other when we go to bed at the same time.

    Even when he had to get up at 5 a.m. to leave for work, I would make sure to go to bed with him at 9 p.m., and get up to see him off to work. That is, until I got switched to overnights at work.

    That has been the single most difficult part of switching to this shift– not getting to fall asleep next to my husband at night. It was such an important thing for both of us, and I feel like a huge part of my life is missing.

  11. I was a dyed-in-the-wool night owl, and nothing suited me better than to stay up till all hours, ironing, paying bills, reading, cleaning….and then I married a soldier almost three years ago. The Army waits for no one in the mornings, and he has spent the last 30 years getting up at 5 a.m. Therefore, he’s DONE by 9 p.m. We live in an apartment the size of a postage stamp, and he’s a light sleeper, so I’ve been forced to change my inner clock, and my WORD it’s not easy. All that to say, yes, we go to bed at the same time each night, and much to my dismay, we wake up at the same time in the morning.

    • I was also that dyed in the wool night owl. when my first husband passed away I could keep even weirder hours. then I married last summer and my new hubby really likes to go to bed at the same time, when he’s not on midnight shift. I get to keep my late hours on those nights, and choose to change my nightowl habits on those nights we have together. and you are right—it in not easy to change your body clock.

  12. My hubby makes sure that we always go to bed at the same time. I had never thought about it, but he insisted. He will go to bed with me even if he is wide awake. I have found that it gives us our best time together. Sometimes we get into deep conversations and stay up for another hr and sometimes it is lights out as soon as we hit the pillow.

  13. We have basically never gone to bed at the same time because my husband works in the evening news which means he doesn’t get home until around 11. I can usually stay awake until he gets home, but only just barely! We’ve worked to carve out other times together, so he usually comes to my work for lunch or I go to his office for dinner. On the mornings when he has to get up early with me he’s grumpy but I’m really happy because I love getting to see him in the morning (other than see him snuggling with the dog in bed, which is pretty darn cute).

  14. You need to add another question or two about 1.) people who fall asleep on the couch, whose spouse wakes them up to come to bed later, and 2.) people who go to bed at the same time, but one spouse stays up reading in bed. We are those people! :)

    • Margaret says:

      we fit in this one better as well. Since we’ve been married since 1966, it works for us.

  15. This is almost a non-negotiable for me! I have to have my husband in the bed with me to fall asleep! This has been hard when he was in seminary, or when he was a police officer (we are nothing if not diverse), but we can usually make it work. It is a very important time of day for us. Quiet talking, going over our days. I was surprised to see how many couples don’t do this!

  16. It never even occurred to me that people might not go to bed at the same time:-) We always do, and it is typically the only time we ever get to talk, undisturbed.

    Plus, he is my personal body pillow, so I coud never get comfie enough without him!

  17. I feel like I should clarify a bit… while Pete and I go to sleep together 99% of the time, we rarely get up at the same time. He’s an early bird and I… well, I consider sleep a dear friend!

    And still confused how we’ve never met! Sister and I are practically neighbors. ;)

    Thanks for once again making me laugh. I’ll be buying your book before I know it!

  18. Lisa D. says:

    Just wanted to say that I voted “no” because that is the truth, but I wish the answer was yes. My husband has insomnia and sleep is pretty elusive for him.

  19. Well, interesting that you should ask this question right now! Until about two weeks ago, my husband and I went to bed at the same time. He went to work at the crack of dawn, so he was always in bed right after The Kids went to bed. I oftentimes didn’t see the purpose of staying up by myself, so I’d go to bed with him. Usually, I’d read until I went to sleep, which was somewhere between 9 and 10. (I’m up at 5:30, so I’m tired by then anyway!)
    However, two weeks ago, his route changed, (He’s a Frito Lay delivery man!) and he now starts his route at 2:00. Which means he’s up at 1:00. (I KNOW! THAT’S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!) Which means he goes to bed at about 7:30, so I don’t go to bed at the same time as he does any more!

  20. I have made more of an effort in the last year or so to go to bed at the same time as my husband. This is partly practical–if I fall asleep before him then his snoring does not bother me! But also, like a lot of couples, we do some of our best talking once we are both in bed. But I am also a night owl. I really treasure the quiet, undemanding time when all of my kids are asleep and don’t need me. So some nights, I go to bed with my husband and we talk, and then he goes to sleep and I get back up and read or whatever. I guess that is kind of weird, but it works for us!

  21. Not only do I go to bed about two hours later than my husband, but we also have a king-size bed and can’t sleep if we’re touching! I have to be touching cool sheets and nothing else to be able to sleep. We’ve been married for 17 years, and it works for us. We sleep best that way. We take time after our kids go to bed each night to catch up on our day … the bed is for sleeping, not watching TV together or talking (except rarely). I think as long as you’re happy and communicating (and getting or giving the right amount of nookie as needed), all is well, regardless of what time you go to bed.

  22. We started off our marriage going to bed at the same time. But now we have kids and I have a freelance photography business; after the kids go to bed is the only time I have to work. Sometimes he’ll stay up with me, but sometimes he can’t, and I am OK with that. I’m an introvert that needs alone time, and now that my oldest is not taking naps, after the kids’ bedtime is the only alone time I get.

  23. Beverly says:

    This is so interesting because I was just talking about this. My husband and I have made it a point to go to bed together almost every night since we got married nearly 14 years ago. Honestly, I am not sure if someone gave us this advice or we just started doing it, but it has been, undoubtedly, one of those more important things we have done for our marriage and intimacy. It has required major compromises, because I am a night owl (or at least I used to be – not so much anymore!) and he gets up super early. So, I go to bed earlier than I normally would and he goes to bed later. BUT the payoff is so worth it. Not just in physical intimacy – although that is huge – but in communication and emotional intimacy.
    My husband also promised me in his vows that he would not let the sun go down on his anger, and I can honestly say that in 13.5 years, he has never gone to bed angry at me. I’d like to think it’s cause I don’t make him angry, but that is definitely NOT the case. ha. ha. Going to bed together has definitely helped with that too – there is no stomping off to bed and there is definitely no sleeping on the couch.
    This has really worked for us and this is advice I give to so many women I know. It may not work for everyone, but it is worth compromising to try it.
    Thanks for a great question!

  24. My husband works evenings, and I have to be up early in the morning so I’m almost always in bed by the time he gets home at night. When we are home together, we go to bed at the same time :)

  25. It’s funny because for ten years Martin and I have gone to bed at the same time but we also get up at the same time to go to work and there are no kids in the equation yet. So I’m all about it now but talk to me in three or four years when circumstances have changed.

    Now my old middle school Sunday school teacher always went to bed about 30 minutes before her husband because he would not only snore but also whisper about hunting. You know, like whisper like he’s in the perch looking for deer? So there’s that. You’re welcome for that added tidbit.

  26. My husband and I definitely go to bed at different times. Not only am I an early bird and he is a late owl, but we need very different amounts of sleep. It works for us because after the kids are in bed by 8:00, we hang out until my bedtime around 10:00. Then, he stays up late working on his projects–doing his schoolwork (he’s getting his MBA online), working on the video game he’s making for fun, and other computer programming type things. It is really interesting to read about what other couples do!

  27. Every. Night. We’ve been married 3.75 years and it’s something we’ve always done. Unless one of us is sick and in bed early, then we always go to bed at the same time. I love it.

  28. When I was single, I often stayed up till 2 or 3! I was a school teacher, so I had to get up early, but I was young enough to make that work. When I married my husband at 32, I discovered he was most decidedly NOT a night owl. He tries to be in bed by 9 and asleep by 10:15 or so. When we married, I made a commitment (to myself) to try to get in bed the same time he did, and I would say I probably do that 95% of the time. When I’m wound up or excited about a project, I’ll stay up later, but I try not to make a habit of it. I generally get in bed with him, but stay awake reading until 11 or so. It has helped me to get up and have a quiet time in the morning, and has also been great for us to have that time together to talk and reconnect.

  29. I’m fascinated by this too! In 27 years, I’d say we have gone to bed at the same time 95% of the time, and we weren’t told to do this, we just thought that’s the way it’s done. The part that fascinates me, though, is how the good stuff happens if you don’t go to bed at the same time. I guess I’m naive, but I don’t get it. :)

  30. Until recently my husband and I went to bed at the same time, but he would often fall asleep on the couch, sometimes for a couple of hours, waiting for my night owl self to be ready to go to sleep. I finally convinced him to sometimes go to bed when he is tired, instead of waiting on me to be tired. It seems to be working out well. He is getting better sleep in the bed, and I don’t have to worry about him waking up and being grumpy when I am ready for bed.

  31. My husband and I NEVER go to bed at the same time. He was in the Navy for 20 yrs and I worked nights as an RN, so never the twain shall meet. He has since retired and I work days, but it would irritate me if he came to be the same time as me. I have a nice bedtime routine that does not involve him commencing to snore or try and change the TV channel. He says he only comes to bed after I am asleep so he can watch what he wants to on TV. I find this really funny because he is SO right!

  32. Meg Wood says:

    We do go to bed at the same time. Neither one of us can sleep if the other one isn’t there. The few times we are apart from each other, we can’t sleep!

  33. Sharon O says:

    my husband generally goes to bed around 8:30 he is at work at 6:00am. That is way too early for me I go to bed around 10:30 I am semi retired. After 38 years of being married it seems to work for us. In fact when we do go to bed at the same time it feels strange. Great question.

  34. This is really funny to me because thought that most couples went to bed at the same time.
    Mt husband and I do go to bed at the same time. I am a night owl and he is not. He is very happy that we are living in central time. The news is over at 10:30 and we can go to bed. He is in the Army and he is asleep before his head hits the pillow. I stay awake and read or watch TV or play my favorite word game on my iPad.

  35. Jennifer says:

    We work opposite shifts, and even though I work at home, I have to work at night while he up at the crack of dawn for his work, so during the week we NEVER go to bed at the same time unless I happen to be sick. I am up at least two hours later than he is. However, on the weekend, we try to make a point of going to bed at the same time, even if it means I’m reading in bed awake an extra hour. :)

  36. We’re about 95%. If I am feeling particularly pooped I’ll go to bed earlier than DH. In 13 years of marriage he has yet to master the “someone is sleeping so I should be considerate and let her sleep” way of coming to bed, so I don’t bother going to bed before him very often.

  37. We are sleep opposites. He’s early-to-bed, early-to-rise. I’m a night owl & could sleep late every day. I sometimes go to bed with him and then get up after he goes to sleep.

  38. Carolyn says:

    This is so strange that you posted this today! My husband and I do NOT go to bed at the same time 99% of the time. But just last night, he was unusually tired and got in the bed with me and fell asleep before I did. I was laying there in bed thinking… I dont think I can go to sleep without knowing he’s awake in his office. I fall asleep better knowing he is up keeping watch of the house! I dont like to be the last one asleep! :)

  39. This is … interesting. I voted Frequently and I am in the minority? I had no idea that not going to bed at the same time was A Thing. Very interesting.

  40. Becky in 'Bama says:

    after 35 plus years of marriage, we usually get to bed together at the same time. I say usually ’cause after that many years it’s hard to recall every night. I’d advise younger married – and newly married couples – to make it a goal in their marriage. Too many details to ellaborate on, but it’s a good thing. I dread the day should something happen to my husband and he’s no longer my bed buddy. :0( Happy dreams to all.

  41. I just have to ask this…I’m just dying to know….do you sound like Reba McIntyre when you talk??? I love her. When I read your blog, I just imagine you sounding like her. I know…I’M WEIRD..but its the truth. Have a beautiful day!

  42. I’m a night owl and my sweet hubby is an early bird but he hates to go to bed before me so he always waits up, then I feel sorry for him because I know he’s sleepy and end up going to bed before I’m really ready to. So we usually do end up going to bed at the same time, but if I can’t fall asleep, sometimes I get back up and roam around the quiet house, indulging my night owl tendencies;)

  43. i am not married, but my cat and i rarely go to bed at the same time, since she is a lazy gal and can usually be found asleep in the bed any time of the day or night.

  44. I’m an insomnic so we rarely go to
    SLEEP at the same time, but we almost always get in the bed at the same time. (Occassionally I’ll stay up to finish a show or project or he’ll stay up to finish a ball game.).

    It was always important to me for reasons unknown. I guess it goes back to my childhood and teens when my brother and I would crawl in bed with our mom and all cut up and talk about the day (as we rarely all spent dinner together in the teens). I usually read (or comment on a blog like now) after the hubs goes to bed but I like crawling in with him. We talk about the day or goof off and laugh. It’s just a distraction-free time to connect, which, with 3 jobs and a 3-year-old, we rarely get otherwise.

    We had a talk about it early-on because he’d give me no warning and head upstairs manning we weren’t going to bed soni told him it was important and I needed warnings so I could close-up shop.

  45. Nope. My hubby will fall asleep the second we get into bed which means if he plans on laying bed to “watch a little tv” at 7pm, he’ll be asleep by 7:30pm (and that’s being generous). I call him PawPaw and make fun of his early bed time. I, on the other hand, am a night owl and my regular bedtime is somewhere around midnight-ish and it’s still not unusual for me to be up as late (early?) as 3am. I also struggle with insomnia and sometimes seeing my husband asleep in the bed when I can’t sleep makes me want to beat him with something. We have a newborn right now and I’m up frequently to nurse so that also contributes. Still, in our 9 years of marriage we’ve only fallen asleep at the same time a handful of times.

  46. We generally go to bed at vastly different times. Me? 10:00. Him? 2:00. But, it all works out well. I get “tucked in” each night and that’s just fine and dandy with me. :)

  47. Is it bad that I’m a little (a lot) relieved to see that option #4 wins by a mile? Because my husband and I have very different body clocks. If we spent a lot of energy trying to shift our body clocks to match each other…well, that just seems like a lot of energy, doesn’t it? I can’t see how it’s impacted our intimacy (emotional or any other kind) at all. It’s probably something nice to shoot for, but not to stress yourself out over.

  48. Carol N. says:

    We cut out the lights and are both in bed at the same time, but a lot of nights I get up and go read or work on the computer. The reason? Hot flashes, hormones, whatever you want to call it. It isn’t because I’m not sleepy because I am constantly sleepy! But we do always start out in bed at the same time. I’m just grateful for those nights when I can actually go to sleep and not get back up!


  1. […] People Want to Know Department: Do you and your spouse go to bed at the same time?  Pete and Brandi Wilson […]

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