Exciting New Heights Of Underachievement

Well, we have been watching the Olympics pretty much non-stop for the last three nights, and I am here to tell you that there is nothing to make you realize how much time you’ve wasted over the course of your life like watching world-class athletes in action. Right now the American women’s gymnastics team is competing, and thinking about how young they are and how many years they’ve spent in the gym makes me hyper-aware that I have spent WAY too many hours watching reality television and eating bacon. At the very least I should have been perfecting my cartwheel or maybe doing some light stretching on a semi-regular basis. Shoot, maybe I should just tape a four-inch strip down the center of our hallway and try to skip down it without falling.

That last thing, by the way? Would take YEARS of training.

However, I recognize that the Lord gifts all of us in different ways, and I trust that even though I lack any significant athletic skills, He has filled my gaps. And that is why, after careful consideration and no small degree of prayer, I do think that there are several areas where I could possibly compete on an Olympic level.

I hope that you know my heart well enough to know that I offer this list in all humility.

1. Real Housewives of New York trivia (related: Bethenny Getting Married and Bethenny Ever After trivia)

2. cowbell ringing

3. bacon frying

4. Top 40 duets of the late-80s / early 90s (lyric memorization, not singing)

5. Steinmart shopping

6. DVR’ing (all facets: searching, recording, watching, erasing)

7. fried chicken sampling and analysis

To be clear, I have not in fact consulted with any professionals, but I am certainly willing to consider more rigorous training under the supervision of a coach and/or mentor.

What about you? What are the areas where you feel qualified to compete on an Olympic level? Carpooling? Baby wrangling? Plant killing? Home hair coloring?

Please feel free to share your own gifts and talents.

This is a safe place.

I can assure you that you will be encouraged.

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  1. Colleen says:

    Definitely, DEFINITELY… facebooking. I’ve got that in the bag.
    Also? staying up past one’s bedtime and cuddling with one’s kitty. I’m all over it.

  2. Dirty laundry stacking. Mine seems to reach amazing heights before collapsing all over the laundry room floor. Can’t take all the glory…it is a family effort. :)

  3. Granddaughter lovin!
    Pure gold.

  4. I can blog surf with the best of them. I could go pro at sitting in my outside swing and thinking about all that I need to be doing inside.

    • Too funny!

    • Oh my gosh Wendy, we are meant to be competitors because those are the exact things I do best. Plus, I read books while sitting in my outside swing thinking about all that I need to be doing inside! :)

  5. Watching Olympics, reading Shape magazine, reading anything, munching on tortilla chips and homemade salsa. Seriously, the gold every time.

  6. If there were a gold medal for Procrastination, I’d hands-down win it! And my homemade Toll House chocolate chip cookies would be a fierce competitor in the Olympic bake-off.

  7. Eating popcorn, talking, procrastinating….there’s my bronze, silver, and gold : )

  8. Well if I do say so myself,I’m thinking I would take the GOLD for……wait for it……
    Stacking and moving PAPERWORK….I can tidy up with the best of them when it comes to moving and of course making MORE stacks…:)

  9. Looks like I’d have a little competition, but I would put my mad procrastination skills up against anyone.

    I have 4 kids, 12 nieces and nephews and have been doing home daycare off and on for about 13 years. I can change diapers and buckle kids into car seats at lightening speeds.

    Also, I would earn high marks in sitting on my patio watching my little ones play in the sprinkler while drinking sweet iced tea, reading People magazine and sweating. Yes, I’m that good of a multitasker!

  10. I, my friends, am a world-class Eater.
    I could also probably medal in Reading While Doing ANYTHING at the same time. In over 50 years of perfecting this skill set, there is no place in my house that a book has not gone, including the shower and the kitchen sinkboard.

    • Angie W. says:

      These are all too funny but you are my competition. Eating and reading while doing anything. I would have to say that you’d probably get gold because I haven’t managed the shower yet but I would certainly take silver. Maybe you can be my coach!

  11. I would earn the ‘all around gold’ for how fast I can log on to the computer to read boomama and getting my morning laugh. Plus reading comments to continue laughing. I admire people who can write and convey humor that you catch yourself giggling outloud.

  12. hmmm,,

    Reality TV watching

    Soccer Mom wrangling (getting everyone to practice, snacks, fun things in bag to keep those not playing entertained. cheering)

    Classic Movie trivia

    How many different ways you can waste time in one day.

  13. Watermelon cutting–I feel like I’ve perfected this skill this summer.

  14. “He has filled my gaps,” will forever encourage me.

    Here’s my list of olympic skills-
    Determining if something in the frig. has gone bad, being able to stub my toe in the middle of an empty room with no obstacles, taste-testing gourmet coffee, burning myself in the kitchen (I’m clumsy,) repeating random quotes from Seinfeld and Sleepless in Seattle.

  15. Sonic Coke drinking would be my gold medal event, followed closely by scrapbook paper hoarding, Gator “chomping” and the frequent wearing of UF t-shirts.

  16. This cracked me up!

    Pretty sure I could win a competition in facebook stalking/attempting to be as cool as Veronica Mars.

  17. All nine seasons of Seinfeld trivia, and thinking up ways to not have to clean my house!

  18. Debra D. says:

    You mentioned “plant killing” as if you contemplated putting that on your list. Don’t bother. I am BY FAR gonna take the gold in that one. BY FAR, my friends. My neighbors may have been known to dig up plants and re-plant them on the side of their property away from our house, that is how far-reaching my skills have become.

    See, I told you I’m golden.

    • andi hunter says:

      I killed a potted cactus one time(over watered it…) & I’m from Texas. I bet we’d be great teammates!

    • Candace says:

      Oh, me too. My friend gave me an aloe vera for my porch and said she didn’t think I could kill it but I think I might have. It looks pretty bad! I got a bad sunburn at the beach Sunday so I asked my youngest to go cut me off a piece of aloe vera last night to put on my poor red legs. He brought it in and we cut into it and there was almost nothing inside and according to him it smelled like “soup and armpits” …. and he was right!!

  19. Guacamole/Salsa/Queso/Any Good Dip Really eating.

  20. I could definitely go gold in plant killing! That seems to be the only thing that I CAN do with plants.

  21. Well, in this household I seem to be the only competitor in the following –
    1. toilet paper roll removal and replacing
    2. sock-sorting
    3.the extinguishing of the flame [ my husband leaves lit candles in the kitchen, and my children leave lights on]
    and I am tired, just thinking about my greatness.

  22. Frances says:

    You left out napping…

  23. Cynthia says:

    Lolling about.

  24. Sleeping!! I’m a complete natural. Gold ALL the way!!

  25. Margaret says:

    sitting in the recliner with one or two dogs, reading this blog and a bunch of others on my favorites list. occasionally washing, sweeping and cooking. Gold all around,

  26. 1. Facebooking
    2. Target shopping
    3. Finding useless information on the internet
    4. Starting hobbies/crafts and then quitting them
    5. Repeating lines from Friends
    6. Procrastinating

  27. After careful consideration of my God-given talents, I am going with:

    The inability to remember my own wedding anniversary while simultaneously knowing every lyric to a Reba song from 1992

    Breaking cell phones

    Wanting to grow my hair out, then chopping it off. Deciding to grow it out again, then deciding to chop. I think I want it long, oh I can’t stand it, let’s cut it off… I believe I could compete on a marathon level in this event- I am currently on about year 8 of this pattern. This kind of stamina take intense devotion to indecisiveness.

    • I think we’d have to go head to head (pun completely intended) with the hair thing. I’ve had short hair for about 10 years and cannot for the life of me get it longer than my husband’s hair. One of these days we’ll have longer hair…. :)

  28. I just scored 100% on Pioneer Woman’s Real Housewives quiz, so I could definitely compete in that category! Also, online “window shopping”, blog reading, social media- instagram, facebook, pinterest, etc checking.

  29. I’m quite good at accessorizing. Jewelry, belts, and scarves are my friend. Also at saving boxes and glass jars…for whenever you need just the right size! Or whenever you get crafty and need a jar to decorate and store treasures!

  30. Random sports knowledge.

    Nail polish collecting, especially in shades of pink.

    Tuning out the noise of many children and accomplishing tasks of varying importance.

    Thinking about exercise.

  31. Facebook stalking.
    Ice cream consumption.

    Also, I cannot BELIEVE cheese tasting did not make your list! Or snack crackering! Or dipping! Maybe you are saving those for the silver category?

  32. I’m ashamed to admit that I could bring home the gold in Bachelor/Bachelorette trivia. Also anything Friends, Harry Potter, and/or Hunger games related. And now I’m thinking I need to get out more…

  33. Jennifer says:

    You know, I was watching women’s kayaking this morning, where a 41-year-old woman was competing. I started to feel about myself, until I realized I was watching her while nursing my baby. Sure, maybe I can’t negotiate the whitewater or even exercise for 100 seconds without getting winded, but I can SUSTAIN HUMAN LIFE, doggonit!

  34. “How Many Loaded Grocery Bags Can She Carry In Just One Trip From the Car???”

    I also try to think up my winning Chopped ingredients. (opens the basket) “Frozen Broccoli… Plain Greek Yogurt… Parmesan Cheese… annnnd… French’s Onion Rings!”


  35. Ok. Stay with me here… Identifying who people look like, both in comparison to other people I know and Hollywood celebrities. “Do you know who you kind of look like?” yeah I’d win the gold in this. Also, I could probably medal in amount of chocolate that one person can consume. Also, eating dips. And how fast one can read a book. I also am spectacular at sitting on my couch and just WATCHING the Olympics. I’m overwhelmed by my abilities, I’ve gotta go take a break now! :)

    • andi hunter says:

      OMG, we may be soulmates! “..who you kind of look like?” I do that all of the time. My coworkers & I used to have “Dip Day” at work for lunch!

  36. kuliejellogg says:

    Hahaahahahahaha! Thanks for the laugh today!

  37. Pretty sure I’d medal in cleaning and organization, but gold medaling will have to go to college football watching. Pretty sure no one, NO ONE, could out last me on the couch watching continual college football. Any team, any couch.

  38. Finding the best parking spot at Sonic…during Happy Hour…

  39. People magazine updates, buying postage at the self postage machine at the Pelham post office, and how fast I get up from the computer when my husband gets home to work to start dinner :)

  40. Becky Fouts says:

    laughing so hard, you are so much fun!! my fave was the fact that you would have to really train seriously for that skipping down the hall event, love it!!! you are a blessing to me every time I read your blog, I know God loves the sound of our laughter!

  41. Napping. I’ve been in training for Olympic Napping since I was a babe in my mother’s arms.

  42. andi hunter says:

    1. Taste testing between Dr Pepper, Caffeine Free Dr Pepper, Mr Pibb, & Dr Thunder, et al. I KNOW what is real Dr. Pepper, everything else sucks. My mother could possibly beat me in this category.
    2. Not cleaning out the inside of my vehicle. I admit it, I’m up there with the bad car keepers.
    3. Googling. I can find anything with Google,
    4. Song lyric recitation including 80’s & 90’s alternative rock, 80’s 90’s & todays country.
    5. Film & TV & music star conversational voice recognition. My husband & I compete during commercials. I win.
    6. Last minute packing of suitcases & vehicles. ALways last minute, always get the suitcase closed, always get it efficiently arranged in the vehicle which confounds MDH.
    7. Sunglasses losing, speed division. I never buy expensive sunglasses for this reason.

  43. lipstick buying.
    gold medal contender.

  44. Oh, sister! I am totally volunteering to be your duet partner. I’ll be the Joe Cocker to your Jennifer Warnes, the Peter Cetera to your Amy Grant…or even the Lionel Ritchie to your Diana Ross. I can see it now. Let’s Go For The GOLD!

  45. Purse shopping
    Purse shopping on e-bay
    Last minute snatching purses on e-bay super cheap
    Deciphering the make, model of customers purses so I can find on e-bay

  46. Preparing lunch while nursing a baby while answering math questions while correcting a history quiz. Okay, so it doesn’t give me abs of steel, but it does require a high level of multi-tasking ability. :) Oh, and the ability to get 8 kids in and out of the van without raising my voice should also be an Olympic sport!

  47. Endurance sneezing, & synchronized stomach growling – I know, it’s a rare talent, but that makes it all the more special.

    Procrastination? Maybe someday…

  48. My husband just read this post and while he was reading I said to him that I could medal in cow bell ringing. He assured me that you could take me in cowbell ringing as you have years of experience in the sport. I grew up an ole miss fan and have only been on team bulldog since we married 15 years ago. Thought you would appreciate his faith in your cow belling ringing ability!!!!

  49. My husband just pointed out that I am unparalleled in knowledge of sports announcers and color commentators. On most days I can barely remember the vide president’s name, but I can decipher golf analysts on the 18th green by their whisper. Golden indeed.

  50. Oh! And Running Late & Running Behind.

  51. I can Empty a Sink Full of Eirty Dishes faster than anyone – stash most in the dishwasher, stash the rest in the oven, rinse out the sink and I’m ready for company. Gold!!!

    And perhaps not gold, but definitely silver in House Hunters Home Choosing.

  52. Plant killing. Hands down. The two charming planters on my front porch filled with dead plants can testify. Possibly coffee drinking, but I would definitely need a trainer to go pro since I gave up Starbucks a few years ago.

  53. Sarah Kate in WA state says:

    1. Imaginary conversation holding/”I Wish I Would Have Said This…” composing… (to the point that I’ve even missed my exit while driving!)….definitely gold medal contender here.

    2. Pinning ideas on Pinterest that I’ll never actually find time to do (silver medal, maybe bronze, as my training time in this has been lacking recently)

    3. Pointing out grammatical/spelling errors on signs, flyers, church bulletins, etc. (It’s really more of a sickness than a talent)….

  54. Pinteresting on my iPad ……while emailing on my iPhone…….while watching something I have dvr’d ……just realized none of this was possible a few short years ago!!!

  55. Gold in Dishwasher Loading. It’s my time.

  56. The list of talents and abilities here are formidable indeed. But I believe I could take gold on being Mrs. Bossypants.

    I can fire off orders quicker than that skeet shooter girl person.

    Not that the orders are obeyed mind you, but I believe I could go toe to toe with R. Lee Ermey.

  57. C Smith says:

    Diaper changing, I’d get Gold for sheer endurance. I’ve changed diapers every.single.day. for 17 years.

  58. Candace says:

    Hilarious!! I could compete in Netflixing, laundry doing, list making, dishwashing, dog chewing clean up….and I could go on. My talents are endless. LOL.

  59. Kristen says:

    Hmmm….definitely could be a contender with the Stein Mart shopping. Send me the coupons for the red dots and I am your girl. My husband and I both have a great talent for remembering which previous show or movie we have seen an actor or actress appear in a movie/show we are currently watching. You know that takes some skill. Right there with you on the skipping practice. I can’t remember the last time I tried to skip! I would probably break something if I tried!

  60. Forgetting things that I should remember and simultaneously remembering things that I have no need to think about.

  61. Ha! The bacon and reality tv part cracked me up!! I can so relate. I can remember taking a hula hoop up to the pool to dive in it. I was convinced I would be an Olympic diver. My “training” lasted a day. And I taped a pretend balance beam (for real) on the carpet and did cartwheels on it. I’m too tall to be any kind of good at tumbling. What I am quite good at is sitting on the beach for an obscene amount of time.

  62. We’ve been watching women’s gymnastics as well and it is incredible!! The talent those girls have amazes me. I also love watching Real Housewives of NY and Bethenny- those are great shows to watch after a long day.

  63. Jennifer says:

    I would love to compete in an Olympics that involved the following:
    *never paying retail
    *making lists (that I will eventually lose)
    *any and all things that are related to BRAVO
    Now if we can just find the arena in which to show off all of these skills…

  64. Sweet Eating
    Diet Starting
    Multiple-size-clothes hoarding


  1. […] Sophie made me laugh out loud (LOL? No…) with her exciting new heights of under-acheivement. […]

  2. […] posted this HILARIOUS blog the other day and it got me thinking about the areas in which I could compete on an Olympic level. […]