My sister-in-law Rose – who is married to D.’s brother – is what you might call fit.
No, Fit.
No. FIT.
She’s a fitness machine, is what she is.
She’s one of those people who has a passion for health and wellness, and as a result she is usually either running or lifting weights or playing tennis or swimming. Sometimes she even runs to the place where she’s going to lift weights or play tennis or swim, so inevitably when I’m around her for more than about three minutes I realize that all my Professional Gravy Drinking is not serving me so well fitness-wise. And then I feel like a bit of a slug.
And clearly, when feeling like a slug, the only response is to drink more gravy and then eat donuts. Which really gets me nowhere in my quest for Rose-like fitness. And since the word “quest” implies that I’m actively pursuing some sort of fitness journey, I think saying “my THOUGHTS of Rose-like fitness” would actually be a much more legitimate representation of the truth.
Anyway, this past Saturday night I ran by Rose’s to pick up Alex’s car seat and sippy cups and other stuff that had migrated over there during All The Swimming, and Rose was on the computer. Now granted, she was still glistening from her late afternoon run – I’m fairly certain that her arm muscles were pulsing (in direct contrast to my arm muscles that were atrophying by the second) – but as soon as I saw her sitting in front of the computer monitor, I got a little tickled because I knew that comedy – BIG COMEDY – was in store.
Because while my sister-in-law can run a mile in five minutes and hit a tennis ball with deadly accuracy, she can’t work a computer to save her life. And when she saw me – her admittedly non-fit but comparatively computer-savvy sister-in-law – she pretty much clapped her hands with glee. And thankfulness.
See, the whole notion of typing a web address in the browser toolbar is utterly foreign to Rose. If she wants to find something, she clicks on the search button, then types what’s she’s looking for.
In this particular case, she was looking for “guy with funny name on food network who had great zucchini recipe.”
I’m sure you’ll be surprised to learn that she wasn’t getting very strong search results.
So I typed in the homepage for Food Network, bookmarked it, showed her how to pull up the bookmarks, and then found the elusive recipe (shocking newsflash: she will not be including the cheese when she prepares this dish). And then I helped her find several other recipes, and oh it was all so glorious, until Rose realized that she couldn’t actually, you know, read the recipes because the font was too small on the screen.
At that point I went into her computer settings, changed her screen resolution, went back to the recipes page, and showed her how the type was now much bigger.
And you would have thought, as the gratefulness was practically pouring out of her non-gravy-drinking mouth, that I had presented her with buckets of chocolate and gold, though the chocolate would most definitely have to be fat- and sugar-free, and come to think of it, she doesn’t really like chocolate, so really, I should say: you would have thought that I had presented her with buckets of lettuce and gold.
Only money doesn’t mean that much to her, so let’s try one more time: you would have thought that I had presented her with buckets of lettuce and pretzels. Yes. That’s better.
And all I could think was that it’s too bad that blogging doesn’t result in rock-solid abs.
Because I’m telling you. If it did?
I would be RIPPED.
LOL! I keep praying that sitting in front of the computer would suddenly start melting pounds of fat and building muscle, but alas, God has decided that, as with all good things, hard work is the better way. Sheesh! Now, if I had created the Universe,…
I am absolutely cracking up! I’d be ripped, too! (Oh, what a glorious thought!) In the long run, I’m thinking that computer fitness is more useful than physical fitness. And oh, if I could have both . . .But then I’d probably just be prideful. ;)
Yep. I knew it. Found my belly laugh for the day here!
Now that’s funny! I guess I am a Rose-wanna-be! I have a commitment with a friend here in AZ to eat right and exercise! I’m on day six and so far so good…let’s just hope skipping the Gravy Drinking and chocolate don’t get the best of me!
I just tell myself that my fingers and wrists are very healthy. The rest of me? Not so much.
You crack me up! I used to be all OCD with the crunches and the flat abs, but now the only crunches I do are Nestles. And it shows. But my fingers are in pretty good shape!
Oh MAMA this was your best post yet. I think. In my most humble opinion. Perfect. Seamless. Hysterical. So POIGNANT! You should submit it somewhere. I don’t know, anywhere! EVERYWHERE!
RIPPED INDEED!
The professional gravy drinking did me in! Bwhahahahaha.
Has anyone ever duct-taped their laptop to a treadmill? Would that work? I don’t own a treadmill but I mean, I’d be willing to consider it if that would work.
I KNOW I left a comment here!!! Where did it go? (And what did it say? I can’t remember.) Check out the comment near/at the end of my last post–you’re famous!!!
I have a friend JUST like that. We look like mutt and Jeff side by side. I get embarrased even going to a restaurant with her. She is 100 pounds underweight lol and me Im 100 pounds overweight…. Food network gets me in trouble alot.
Boomama you are a HOOT and I just LOVE reading your posts. I am way to serious a writer.
OK, I’m embarrassed–my other comment IS therer! Yikes, I’m losing it!
I laughed out loud at your comment on my post. My sister tells me same thing! Wonder if I should have that checked out…
HEY! HOW did you get categories on a Blogspot blog? I didn’t know that was possible!
Lauren, I’ve actually thought about that myself, except with a stationary bike. But I don’t have a laptop, so the point is moot. Unless I could get the hubster to put pedals on my computer chair. Hmmm.
Besides making me laugh … a TON, this post made me want gravy! And Rose sounds like one of those people that you can’t help but adore … even if you don’t want to. ;-)
Inside this overweight blogger is a lean, mean blogging machine, screaming to get out…..and AWAY from the pork-fat-lover who keeps sabotaging her! LOL ;)
If computer surfing would do it, I’d be skinny and have a six pack ON my stomach instead of a roll of flab. Dang….*Sigh*…… ;)
So initially I was a little bummed that you would not be giving me my daily dose of humor. . .but it’s given me the opportunity to go back and read some of the other posts you recommended. . .and THIS one made me L-A-U-G-H. . .