My friend Elise was the first one of my friends to have babies, and as a result she was our first go-to expert on Matters Concerning Children.
When her oldest boys were five and four, Elise told me about something that happened at the dinner table one night. Her five year-old didn’t want to eat what she’d fixed for supper, and after some gentle encouragement proved ineffective, E.’s hubby very lovingly outlined what I have come to refer to as P-Dub’s Suppertime Law.
If memory serves, P-Dub’s Suppertime Law went something like this:
Since your mother has prepared a delicious meal for you, you may either eat what she has cooked, or you may leave the table. And if you leave the table, you may not have a snack, alternate meal, or, above all, ice cream. Because if you leave the table, you’re all done eating for the day. Thank you.
Y’all have no idea how brilliant I thought that was when I was twenty-five and single.
The funny thing is that once Alex was old enough to eat real food, D and I put P-Dub’s Suppertime Law into practice. And with the exception of one meal in 2006 which will be known forever in our house as The Unfortunate Lasagna Incident (or: Why We Now Refer To Lasagna As “Pizza Noodles”), we’ve managed to escape a good bit of dinnertime drama thanks to P-Dub’s words-o-wisdom.
Which brings us to tonight. When we had us an old-fashioned Baked Beans Medley Breakdown at the dinner table. Oh yes ma’am we did.
Now for whatever reason, Alex has a very strong sense of when he’s full (what? what must that be like? what? you mean you don’t just keep eating UNTIL YOU’VE FINISHED AN ENTIRE CASSEROLE?), and he doesn’t really care for the feeling of being full (what? what must that be like? what? you mean you don’t just keep eating UNTIL YOU’VE FINISHED AN ENTIRE CASSEROLE?).
Anyway, since the little man seems pretty tuned in to when he’s had enough to eat, D and I usually just ask him to at least try everything that’s on his plate. He doesn’t have to love it or finish it or ask for seconds – he just has to try it. And as a result of the fact that he’s tried a lot of different stuff – at least I guess that’s the reason – Alex likes to eat things like butterbeans and pork tenderloin and roast and sweet potatoes and English peas. He’s not a picky eater at all.
Until tonight. When he spied the aforementioned Baked Beans Medley sitting next to his potato casserole.
I will spare you the details, but the enforcement of P-Dub’s Suppertime Law has never been more nerve-wracking than it was around 6 pm central time. We had quite the showdown on our hands, but when the little man finally realized that there would be no Oreo in his future if he balked at the beans, he decided that he’d give the beans a try.
And y’all. You have never heard such gagging and crying and carrying on in your life. You would’ve thought we were asking him to eat rutabagas covered in moldy hair.
Once Alex finally managed to choke down a lone pinto bean, he decided the beans weren’t so bad. I don’t think the recipe will go to the top of his preferred foods list (#1? Donuts. #2? Chocolate-covered donuts. #3? POWDERED donuts.), but in the end I felt pretty good about the fact that we stood our ground and made him at least try them.
I felt pretty good, that is, when I wasn’t feeling guilty.
It’s been very important to D and me that the dinner table not be a war zone, but tonight, I confess, it was a bit of a battleground. And I did not enjoy it. Which leads me to some questions.
How do y’all handle Situations Regarding Food with your kids? Do you have any hard and fast mealtime rules? When your child resists something you’ve cooked, do you offer something else? Do you let it go? Or do you stand your ground?
Because now I’m second-guessing myself. I know that this isn’t a life-altering dilemma, but it’s making me a little crazy that we let our dinnertime deteriorate over, you know, BEANS. The boy is a good eater, baked beans or no – and I’m wondering if we should have left well enough alone.
I’m the proud owner of one picky and one not picky eater. We ask that they try everything that is made, but if they don’t like it, then they are free to make their own dinner. This has served us well once the kids got old enough. Before that we catered a little to their tastes not going too far out on a limb.
seriously.
rutabagas covered in moldy hair?
by any chance would you have a recipe for that? i’m sure, if we added a little sausage, velveeta, and maybe a little hot sauce, it might just be a little bit better than baked beans?
i’m just sayin’.
I think your idea is good. I have used that and frankly, it works. And your kid will eat when he gets hungry!!! So don’t worry.
And man, tons of comments. You are the queen Boo Mama!!!
Ok, I dutifully read Coulda Been Worse’s comments about diaper rash but there’s too many here for me to read all of them!! :)
Old policy – (my husband worked 2 part-time jobs and went to seminary part-time, he literally had about 45 minutes to come in the door, change, and eat dinner; we chose not to have too many dinner battles) Dr. Dobson-esque policy: child is given food, if new only given 2-good sized bites which must be eaten before saying they don’t like it, if dinner not eaten (possible child not hungry or not feeling well) then it is wrapped and heated up for breakfast (or BEFORE normal breakfast). Often serving a different meal to children if I knew they wouldn’t like it (i.e. pork chops and vegetables, they would get mac ‘n cheese).
New policy – trying to teach children to eat what is set before them and be nice about it. They are required to eat a reasonable amount whether they like it or not. Again, food is wrapped and served for breakfast.
Trying to balance picky-ness with rudeness about what has been set before you.
Good luck!! I’ve found that each family seems to have a different rule/policy about food! :)
Well, you weren’t making him eat rutabagas covered in moldy hair, so I think you did the right thing. That made me laugh out loud-as your posts often do!
It’s great he’s a good eater and you used that to your advantage. In our house, the girls started asking early on how many more bites they had to eat if they weren’t crazy about what was in front of them. I have always said the number of bites is equal to their age and it’s worked.
My parents had a similar rule/law, which is sooo wise now that I am 30. Their rule was that the children had to sit at the table until our plates were clean. I didn’t think the rule so so great at 6 years old, when I had to sit at the table until I finished my fish. My mother’s will finally broke after FOUR HOURS, and to this day, I STILL do not like fish!
On another note…Having older sisters and friends is such a blessing. I have learned so many things from them.
As parents, after all, we are trying to raise our children into adults who can be a blessing to others rather than a curse. Trust me, your son’s wife (in 30 years) will appreciate your efforts at the dinner table.
I came to the conclusion many years ago that I am not a guru in the kitchen. Therefore, some of my meals are more like “experiments,” rather than “nourishment.” And sometimes *I* may like what I make, but it fails to pass the taste test for my boys (ages 9 and 11). If that happens, I do not require that they eat what I’ve prepared (though they MUST at least taste it), and they are free to fix something else food-like to consume instead. My only rules for alternate food is that it MUST be something I would consider serving for a meal (be it breakfast, lunch or dinner), and they MUST clean up their own messes from the creation of the alternate meal.
Of course, the “fix your own alternate meal” has come about only in the last few years. When they were younger and I was working outside the home, tired, and didn’t wish to prepare something less offensive to their taste buds, I was more likely to tell them they were stuck eating my dinner or nothing. It’s funny how just a few years and some perspective changes things.
No need to second guess…You did well! As someone way up above me in the comments mentioned, it’s less about food and more about control. Our rules are pretty much the same as you described.
We stick by the Suppertime Law as well. I figure she picks what she wants for breakfast (her current favorite is Bran Flakes – who is this child?) and she picks what she wants for lunch so she will eat what I make for dinner. I don’t make her finish everything, but at least try it. But if she won’t eat it, there’s nothing else for her later.
When I was growing up, Mom served the food and we had to clean our plate. Or be threatened with eating it for breakfast. Yuck! Bean soup for breakfast. I think it might have scarred me for life, because I DO NOT EAT BEANS — EVER!!!
So I try not to go overboard with my daughter, now.
ok, I know my girl is barely 5 weeks old… but in a previous life I was a nanny. The rule I inforced was similar to yours, you don’t have to like it but you do have to try it. If the kiddo did try it and genuinely didn’t like it, then I offered a PB & J sandwich, I didn’t make a whole other meal or even take requests, I simple said “grape or strawberry”?
Just thought I’d let you know, I really enjoy reading your blog. Thanks for putting it ‘out there’ for us!
We are avid users of the Suppertime Law – even through my youngest being a “I can puke on demand” kind of guy. So, do not feel guilty – I think you are teaching him to try new things, and an appreciation for you cooking the meal. Until you are standing up screaming “YOU WILL NOT PUKE AT MY TABLE ON PURPOSE AGAIN, OR YOU ARE GOING TO BED!!!!”, then you’re doing fine. Not that I know anything about that – I’m just sayin’.
You certainly did not do anything to scar your poor little sweetie. We had very similar rules at our place–we didn’t make a big issue or fight about it, but there were no other options offered and if you didn’t eat, then you were done for the night. NOBODY EVER STARVED TO DEATH and they are all fully functional adults! My son HATED baked beans (still does at 28) we didn’t force him to eat them, just eat the rest of his meal, there has to be some room for personal preference. My funniest battle was with DH who doesn’t like many vegetables–he went along with the rule that you had to try at least a good bite of everything. The kids knew he didn’t care for some of the items he was eating, but saw him do it without complaint and knew they had to do the same–funny thing is, now that the kids are grown and gone he has given up the at least one bite practice! He may have to pick it up again when darling granddaughter eats with us!!!
I am hugely against the clean your plate club…so our rule is that you try every single thing on your plate without any rude comments. Being rude gets you and extra “try”. You can stop eating when you are full, but if mom doesn’t think that you ate an adequate dinner, all future foods of the night will consist of fruits, veggies or more of what we had for dinner. That helps in the “being stuffed but still room for cookies” department.
Tried to get my 4 yr. old to try a black olive, told him it was a grape. He barfed all over the Thanksgiving table. Served me right . . . .
The way you handled it sounds just right to me! I don’t believe in making kids clean their plates, but I do think it’s a good idea to have them try each thing. One little bite isn’t going to send them over the edge.
I was laughing at the gagging part, my boys have done the same thing. My second-grader has a VERY hard time with taking medicine (cough syrup, etc) and actually gets himself so psyched out that he vomits. It’s awful.
But regarding mealtime, I think you handled it just right :)
Being a pastor’s family, we enforce the “no-thank you” bite rule. The kids have to take one bite, and then it’s done.
My husband grew up with the P-Dub rule, and I thought it was horrible and nasty and cruel…until we went to a member’s home for dinner and we were served iced tea (which he hates), rice (which he loathes) and carrot cake (which he now loves, but then didn’t).
So now I see the usefulness of enforcing the “one bite” rule.
Stick to your guns, BooMama !! Now having said that –
Butterbeans? BLEARGH! Ptooie !!
With so many comments, I probably should not even give you more…for with over 100! you must find something good there!
We have four…for our first, we made him try it…and sometimes finish it if he wanted dessert (as per your friend’s advice)…and he would go beyond Alex and throw up everywhere!! Ug! Then I want to, as well, ya know?
Now for all four, we have let them pick what they want from the choices available…and they need to at least try something new. But we don’t make them eat it all anymore. Just try one piece and eat a substantial meal otherwise for dessert.
I do not cook to please…but I think pickyness runs in the gene pool…husband and son #1.
Have a beautiful day and war-free supper!
Holly
i personally think you did the right thing. if you give in once, he’ll expect if again, and again. By standing your ground in the past, you DON’T have a picky eater. We do the same as you. I expect her to try EVERYTHING i cook. There have only been 2 foods she didn’t really care for. So, now on those nights, I make sure to make a side dish she does like. I refuse to cook seperate menus. However, i don’t cook the foods she dislikes on a regular rotation either…. Our key phrase is “Try it, if you like it you can have more….”
My son is only 5 months old, but I am the oldest of 7 children so I can pass along what I have seen my parents do. My mom generally uses the P-Dub’s Rule too…she never forced FORCED any of us to eat ALL of anything but if we didn’t finish our dinner we were done for the evening.
Much to my mom’s shigrin, my brother, the 2nd oldest, pretty much lived on orange juice until he was about 7 and I can testify to the fact that despite his lack of balanced nutrition he is now a strong, well adjusted, very intelligent 24 yr old who eats everything from hamburgers to sushi.
My youngest (adopted) brothers are now 5 and 3 and mom has relaxed a bit about dinner time. She read somewhere reliable that children will generally choose to eat the right amount and variety of food if they are given healthy choices. So now, Mom will ask the youngest ones, “ok..we are having ____ for dinner and you can either have green beans or lettuce salad- which would you like?” This tactic almost ALWAYS works… one, because they get to have a choice (very important for their autonomy) and second, because they usually prefer one of the options. Its a win/win situation. If they cannot finish dinner, she now does not deny ALL food for the whole evening. Instead, she just denies snacks and often offers more dinner food later or at least something healthful.
For a house full of kids…(19, 18, 16, 5, 3) dinner is a relatively peaceful experience!
Personally, I fret over my youngest not eating and then I read your blog, laugh, and feel much better. =0)
Actually, I don’t make anyone eat anything, but we all sit together at the table, ask to be excused when we’re done, and don’t get another bite of anything–even healthy things like apples–unless you CLEANED THAT PLATE. period.
I think if you change the rules now you’re crazy! He’s a smart boy and he will catch on to that FAST! I say, stick with the original rule, BooMama.
You eat what’s put in front of you or you don’t eat. Period. And if you want dessert, you have to eat it all. Because my guys are never full unless it’s something they don’t want. Then miraculously there is room for dessert!
Once the table is cleared the meal is over and the kitchen is closed. You may not eat again until the next meal.
It sounds tough but I refuse to prepare and cook multiple meals!
The same rules apply when we visit friends. I don’t want to raise children who are rude when they are guests in other people’s homes.
I’ll get off my soapbox now. = )
Gee – I didn’t know that rule had a name. But the P-Dub’s Suppertime Law is in full use at our house.
#2 is VERY picky. But he now understands that he can eat what’s on his plate, or he can wait for breakfast. It took a while. He’s pretty stubborn. But now he’ll typically clear his appropriately filled plate of whatever I cooked – and there are some things that he used to refuse (like mac and cheese) that he’ll ask for seconds of.
Stick to your guns, girl.
When Katie (14) came into me life at 5 y/o, she ate nothing but hot dogs, chicken nuggets, and Hamburger Helper, oh! and, of course, sweets. Uh…I don’t THINK so, I said. The foot went down. Special junk food meals were not going to be made. Nope. The same rule was put into effect. Everything must be tasted. That was the beginning. Then it was you must eat 1/2 of everything (at least) on your plate. Then we moved up the portion sizes and kept the rule the same (which she never realized because she, too, was getting bigger). Then it was that she had to eat all her vegetables and finish her milk and eat half her other stuff. This went on for years, but she acquired a taste for many foods that she initially gagged over. There are still some things she won’t eat, but she still eats her veggies and finishes her milk. It became time for her to explore on her own. Now, I’ll be starting it all over again with my son, although, right now at 8 months, he eats everything, but stops when he’s full (I know!). We’ll see what happens as he gets older…but, I’ll have the same rules.
Here is a recipe I tried tonight that my 4 year old loved. My Aunt Carole, born and raised in Virginia, gave me this recipe –
2 lbs. summer squash
1 zucchini
1 carrot
1 onion
Cook the above until tender. Drain and save vegetable juice. Add one can cream of chicken (I used cream of celery) soup mixed with the veggie juice to the vegetables. Add 1 cup sour cream. Melt 1 cup of butter (I just used a stick though and it worked fine) and mix with 1 pkg. stuffing mix. Spread on top of vegetables. Bake for 30 minutes at 350. Mmm. Mmm. Good.
Oh – and I actually used 2 lbs. of zucchini and 1 summer squash because that’s what I had and it worked fine.
Oh – and I”m not really sure you need that carrot. The recipe would have been just fine without it.
I am a very picky eater and there are things that I would take one look at and not eat. I can’t expect my kids to do what I won’t do. They have to try it, but if they don’t like it I will make them a pb&j.
Fortunately, my son eats just about everything and anything. At least, he’ll take a bite of it. If he doesn’t like it, he wont eat it. Unless, of course, it’s coming towards his mouth on a fork making choo-choo noises … I mean, who wouldn’t eat something making choo-choo noises?
When my sister-in-law and her 4 year old daughter lived with us (about 4 years?), the rule was always … “Try everything once. If you really, REALLY don’t like it, you wont be forced to eat it, but you wont know until you try.” It was never a fight, but there were times we had to coax her to try stuff … even beg (and bribe–shhh). But that was for stuff we KNEW she’d love once she tried it.
That was our rule BEFORE I had my own child, but I think we’ll still hold fast to that rule as Hunter gets older. After all, I can’t really complain about a 2-year old’s eating habbits if he LOVES brussel sprouts… Go figure?
P.S. — I DO have one steadfast rule that will never, EVER change: Mom will only make ONE meal per night. In other words, I’m not gonna cater to my child’s desire for mac and cheese or PB&J every single night — he’ll eat what we eat, or he wont eat at all.
I know I am late in commenting, but our rule is if it goes in the mouth it stays, no spitting out if you don’t like it. Our oldest could hold food in her mouth for over an hour, because she knew what would happen if it came back out. I even timed it one time – 1 1/2 hours with pork chop in her mouth. She could continue eating things she did like but managed to maneuver it around the item in her mouth she didn’t like. We will also leave you alone at the table to finish your dinner even if everyone else is done.
ugh, i know, i know, “eat what’s on your plate”. my kids are so weird that they love brocolli, cauliflower carrots without the ranch dressing but won’t eat something like a grilled cheese sandwich or chocolate cake. i just feel weird demanding they take a bite of that buttered warm cheese on bread, or forcing chocolate cake on them. I’M the one that wants to eat and make all the fun stuff and they are over there going, “can we have some more green beans pleeeeease? but not the ones with bacon just open a can and we’ll eat them cold!” they have also been known to eat an open, cold, can of baby corn instead of mashed potatos and gravy. i swear they were switched at birth!
We allow a “yogurt only” substitution for a main course item…and “healthy snacks only” for the remaining of the night. : )
I was and still am to an extent – a picky eater. My parents did the “just have to try a bite before leaving the table.” Let’s just say I could out sit them without trying the food. For me a lot of times it’s not the taste of food. It’s the smell and texture.
We don’t usually have dessert at our house and our schedules are so busy, I try to keep the dinner time simple, healthy and quick. They all like the same basics and I throw in a special dinner one might like and one of the others don’t. But they know their night will come if they don’t complain.
Go BooMama. You won the battle and he will be fine. Same rule at our house. You eat it or no food the rest of the night. To take it a little further, because they can all(mostly) be bribed with dessert, we implemented a “you have to eat everything in order to get dessert” rule. Now, they can all pick one ingredient to leave on their plate. For example if they hate mushrooms, they can leave a little pile. It’s worked so far, but we do have a couple picky eaters that can throwdown with the best of them.
Our kids are crazy opposites.
The girl(4yrs) thinks that the best things in life are peas, green beans and sweet corn, straight from the can COLD! And she detests chocolate *gasp*.
The boy (6yrs) hyperventilates, breaks into a sweat, throws himself onto the floor crying if anything that is not a carb comes within inches of his plate. Thus, we have been forced to put into action the You WILL eat it. If not now, then for breakfast. This rule also includes swallowing as he has been known to do the squirrel thing and tuck food away in his cheeks for HOURS! Y’all, doesn’t he know that you can’t taste it once it’s out of his mouth?! If it weren’t for this perhaps overly strict rule, our son would have wasted away to nothing long long ago.
Whatever method you choose, stick to your guns! You let them win once and it’ll take ages to win that control back.
We use the P-dub rule every single night. I don’t argue about it anymore. Period. I calmly instruct the child and then ignore them until they actually try each item on the plate. Then they are sent from the table if they are done (as long as they have tried everything). For us, we only do dessert on Friday Family night & at Grandma’s house so that is not a good threat, BUT we have some sort of bread with every meal and for sure they cannot have more bread unless they try everything on their plates once. For my little carb-addicts, this is a great threat. It works most of the time. And when it doesn’t work, we have a quiet dinner without one or more children!
Oh, and the other rule is: once you have been excused from the table, you must leave the room. We are trying to have a family dinner here and I don’t want you to think you can get out of eating just to sit happily away from the table & pester us. Nosirreee! Only “big kids who eat their dinner” get to be a part of the coveted dinner table conversation.
Oh, and finally, I think that more and more families are not winning the battle on this because they are not sitting down to a family dinner. We need to make that more of a priority in our society! We sit down for dinner even if it means it is a late, smaller meal because Daddy got home late from work, or we had commitments during the ‘regular’ dinner hour.