You should be warned that the following topic is a bit, er, delicate for Christian blogging circles, and I have pondered whether or not I should actually post this story. But I finally decided that y’all probably aren’t too sensitive about this kind of thing, because most of you are currently married or have been married, and a lot of you have kids, so you, um, have a pretty solid understanding of the, you know, privileges that go along with marriage.
Ahem.
AHEHEHEHEHEHEM.
So.
Over the last nine years, D. and I have had several discussions about what works and doesn’t work in terms of laying the groundwork for romance.
For example.
For many women, here’s what works:
1) Kind, sincere, encouraging words
2) Consistent, tender affection, with no end game in mind (yeah – like that happens)
3) Random acts of thoughtfulness – giving the kids their baths, planning a date night, writing a sweet note, etc.
And for many men, here’s what works:
1) Everything
So, you know, there’s a bit of a learning curve with the whole “love language” deal.
ANYWAY, D. is great about trying to speak my language. He really is. If he knows that this, this, and this will help fulfill my emotional needs, he tries to do those things. I think that’s sweet.
But every once in awhile, well, it just gets comical.
As it did yesterday, when my husband, fresh from a testosterone-fueled rampage against evil marionettes and a clown-faced spider (a video game…not my worst nightmare come to life), walked upstairs, and said the following with a gleam in his eye:
“Happy 4th of July.”
And I just grinned, because yeah, it was the 4th.
And then:
“Wanna make some fireworks later?”
Y’all.
I couldn’t help it. I giggled. Then snorted a little. And D. started laughing, too. Because the whole thing just reeked of effort.
But that’s not the best part.
Later, when we were eating lunch, as we were talking about our plans for the afternoon, D. apparently started thinking of all the Southern-ish summer chores he remembered seeing Mama do when she and Daddy lived in their old house. They always had a huge garden, and Mama spent many summer afternoons cutting corn off the cob, shelling peas, snapping beans, etc. and then going through the process of putting that stuff away for the winter, either by freezing it or preserving it in a big ole mason jar.
So I guess D. was thinking about what would be the most old fashioned thing I could possibly do on July 4th, what would most closely resemble my parents’ all-American summer activities, because here is what he said to me in an attempt at down-home humor, with absolutely no regard for getting me up-to-speed with the train of thought he’d been following for the last several minutes:
“Well, what are you gonna do this afternoon? Put up some pickle?”
And y’all. I thought. He meant. You know.
The fireworks thing.
I was MORTIFIED.
Because I’ll just go ahead and tell you, that was SO not my love language. And SO not something I would ever expect him to say.
But then he continued talking about Mama and all the vegetables she used to put up in the summertime, and I realized that there was nary a trace of irony or innuendo in his previous question. That he really was talking about combining vinegar and sugar and spices with cucumbers.
I practically collapsed with relief. I mean, I just couldn’t imagine him saying something so tacky, especially at the dinner table in front of our child, but after the whole fireworks comment, I guess my brain was sort of frazzled.
Anyway, when I told him what I thought he meant, he just about choked on his potato salad. He fell out laughing. We’re STILL laughing about it. And yes, he gave me his blessing to share our little “misunderstanding” with y’all.
So, whatever you did (she says, uncomfortably), I hope your 4th was very happy indeed.
And I will never share this much personal information ever again.
I literally choked reading this. I’m still cracking up. I read, thinking, oh my gosh, wait til her husband realizes she wrote this, then saw that he gave his blessing. Of course men love to brag about that too, so it might not be too noble on his part.
If all my kids didnt read this I’d make some comment about fireworks at our house, but they would b e mortified, kick me out of the blogging world, etc etc. so I just wont go there. This may be enough to make them all wonder anyway. They all think they were immaculate conception, of course. Not fireworks. Not at our age. I can already hear my daughter Sarah, saying M.O.T.H.E.R…..she’s 1200 miles away so so what…
I can not stop laughing. Seriously! That is hysterical!
Let me just say that I am soooo relieved that two people have commented and not been horrified that I would tell such a story. I mean, WE thought it was funny, but well, I just didn’t know if it would translate. But good grief – EVERYBODY has stuff like this happen from time to time. Anyway. I feel better now.
OHMYGOSH,OHMYGOSH,OHMYGOSH…I am laughing so hard my kids came in here to see what the matter was. That is totally a conversation that would happen in my house.
Too funny!
YOU ARE SERIOUSLY FUNNY! Thanks for the laugh, as usual.
That so happens in our house! Well, not the pickle comment, but definitly the fireworks comment. I would have thought the same as you and after I told hubby what I thought he meant he would continue to use the pickle phrase. Men are funny.
That was too good. Even after 24 years the fireworks are still there for us!
OH MY!!!! Too funny! BooMama you are seriously gifted in humour.
One quick sidenote: when I was ahem, ‘largely enhanced’ from breastfeeding my twins, my hubby would tease me and we would make a joke of my ‘state’ from time to time. Well, one time my spouse (A.K.A Mr. Funnybones) and I were joking about my ‘extra load’ while grocery shopping and to my astonishment he said to me rather loudly (from a produce aisle away): “Boy those are big melons!”
The turkey was holding 2 watermelons and displaying quite the grin.
Oh I love that man!
Hee hee hee, I am sitting here chuckling like a fool. :)I can’t believe you didn’t have a comeback for that, but I guess you were too busy being mortified at the time. I’m still giggling as I type this! Wheeeeee……….! ;)
That was TOO good, thanks for the laugh !
Our euphemism has always been “baking cookies”. It comes from when we were first married and we were going to a potluck dinner at the home of some church friends.
I was a new bride and I wanted to impress these people with my culinary prowess, so I decided to make some really complicated dessert. Surprise! It didn’t turn out. Well, we couldn’t go empty handed, and I could NEVAH show up with something “store bought”! The very IDEA!!
I threw together a batch of oatmeal cookies and put them in to bake. Well, now I had 8-12 minutes to fill. Did I mention that we were newlyweds? ;~D
We got to the dinner 45 minutes late, and I apologized profusely, explaining that we’d have been there sooner but we were baking cookies.
You know “the wave” they do at football games? Well, imagine that effect as the “knowing expressions” made their way across the room.
I like to title this story, “Proof That You Can’t Actually Die of Embarassment”.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, the timer’s dinging…
Say you didn’t mean it! Please say this wasn’t really the last time you’ll ever share such personal information with us. We love this stuff!
Am I allowed to comment twice – Clemntine – hysterical…..we’re all wondering if youre kidding, or not!
I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. My 14 year old wants to know what’s so funny! Thanks for the laugh. I just know I’m gonna think of this at some time where it’s absolutely quiet somewhere and bust out laughing all over again.
I am so glad you shared. That was hysterical! Please share all TMI events that are that funny and only PG rated.
Bev: So, so, SO not kidding!
It NEVER occurred to me that anyone would think of THAT! These were CHURCH PEOPLE, for goodness sake!
And, the fact that they had thought correctly just added to my chagrin.
Too FUNNY! Sadly, I married D’s long lost brother. It sounds like they may have been study buddies in the romance correspondence course. ;) Now I’ll have to think of a post along these lines and link to you.
Oh you made me smile and I truly needed that! I could relate to what you were saying. Bless our men – they DO try, don’t they?
I’m glad you have a comical memory to share together. :)
I might’ve just snorted. And I don’t usually snort.
BTW, maybe that could be your new code words, you know, “put up some pickle”? Wouldn’t that be fun:) I think I might be embarrassed for you. And if I wasn’t while I read your post, I sure was when I read my mom’s comment. Yuck.
Thanks for this post – it’s so funny! I can just imagine your face after the pickle comment.
Clemntine – LOL Thanks for sharing too!
I’m coming back here regularly – your posts are too good to miss.
I had never heard the phrase “put up some pickle” not referring to canning cucumbers or the other thing, but now I will never think of the South in the same way again. ;-)
TOOOO funny. Thanks for sharing!!
Tastefully done, I must say!
Ha ha ha. My husband says things like that all the time… I find it adorable. :) He thinks he’s cute.
Oh, SO glad you shared! That was too good not to share!
Totally reminds me of a conversation that might go on at my house!! :-)
oh my gosh, that was too funny. *blushing remembering all the looks we got going to church the very night we got back from our honeymoon* we stayed way far away from each other, like the distance would make it seem like it never happened. ;)
I’m not sure how I got here, but boy am I glad I landed here. This was sooo funny- I made my husband come to the computer.
I thought I left a comment earlier, but what I thought I said was Y’all are so married it ain’t even funny – more like hysterical. I’m still laughing.
Oh, so good! I’ve got a Southern man myself!
Boo, sweet Boo! You nailed it! Oops…I swear, no pun intended.
I’m ROFL! Sounds like something my husband would say for real!!
Hee hee hee hee! I soooo know what you are talking about, esp with the whole “what it takes for a woman” and “what it takes for a man” issues. Too true.
LOL-this was a funny, funny post!
Now woman, don’t you know you should never post anything this hilarious (and ever so close to the truth) without a little warning!
But thank you for the sinus wash with hot coffee. I can breath so much better now.
That love language thing? Well fortunately, Mr. Right and I are on the same language field when it comes to, you know…. entertainment.
“WHATEVER” works for both of us. And it’s a lot easier to make the curve that way.
Ahem.
AHEHEHEHEHEHEM.
OH MY WORD!!! Too Funny!
Tears….streaming down my face…..
I never seen so many comments regarding a subject on your board. I do believe that you hit a nerve.
That conversation could have taken place at our house too. I laughed hysterically reading this. Why is it that men think ANY holiday is a given for well, fireworks? :)
Gee, should I answer my 4 yr old son’s question as to why I am laughing so hard? My better judgement tells me to hold off for several…several…several years.
I believe you have said enough ” Miss Frisky Britches!!!”
Well, I can see that my brother is DETERMINED to use the word “frisky” in regard to this post. He LOOOOOOVES to stir the pot, and since he’s family and all, I reckon I’ll let him. :-)
Edited By Siteowner
Oh Soph – you just KNEW your brother would “chime-in” on this one for sure…why don’t you ask him about the fireworks – pre 4th of July! Ha!!:-):-) I bet he is red-faced!!
I sure would like for YOU to have a star from some kind of fireworks SOON!!
Luv Ya!
Janie, I cracked up when I read the first part of your comment, because all I could think was, “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!” Funny. And I bet Brother’s face IS red. :-)
I am just speechless. Not hystericaly laughing-less, but definitely speechless. =) Oh, we’re gonna have some serious fun. I think if we meet Paula you should share this story. Well, lookee there, I’m not speechless.
loved the post. it was so funny and the comments are equally hilarious.
You must relish these marital moments…get it? Relish?
Never mind.
Laughing outrageously!
I din’t comment the first time I read this post b/c I was laughing too hard…Two days later I still giggle when I think about this.
I am a little behind in my blog reading, but I just read this and… I SWALLOWED the gum I was chewing I was laughing so hard! I kid you not. I actually swallowed my gum. So I was choking and laughing, and my 5 year old walked in and asked ‘what’s wrong with you?’ Too funny, thanks for sharing.
When we worked at a residential school, my husband and I used “playing poker” for our code, if he needed reminding not to be out too late cause there were PLANS!
One co-worker LOVED to hang out with people at all hours. So one evening she’s “what you all doing later”, to which we kind of looked at each other knowingly and said . . . playing poker. “Oh, cool, sounds like fun!”, um, we don’t think you’d like this game. “Why not?” . . .it’s, um, strip poker!
That worked.
Oh man! I laughed…choke….cough! That was sooo very funny! I love those so very innocent moments when our brains are sluding through the mud and our husbands are being just…innocent. Talk about flipped tables..right..ok maybe not.
I am reminded of my hubbys flub when we were just beginning to date and he tried to use the term “I’m the brain, you’re the braun”…well it didn’t come out that way cause there must have been something else on his mind. Cause he said “I’m the brain and you’re the boob!” ..there was a millisecond pause and you should’ve seen his face, you have never seen a man so embarrased. I tried to brush it off but we both just had to giggle and oh how he appologized. Of course we laugh about it now. Thanks for sharing you very funny story!
oh my gosh!! I can’t belive how hard I am laughing!
yea, i’m #50!
Ooh, BooMama. Know that I am laughing, and thrilled that you wrote this. I will NOT say anything else, although I am so tempted to.
Having spent one summer hugely pregnant and making pickles like mad because we had a bumper crop and were too poor to allow any food go to waste….
I think I had better not pursue this line of thought ;)
That absolutely kills me. I’m glad you got that cleared up. Dan and I had a similar word-play mixup on our honeymoon that I would still be snarking about if I hadn’t asked about his meaning.
I linked this in my blog today . . . I didn’t think you had enough comments :-)
“put up some pickle” Oh my goodness! I about squirt milk out of my nose as I read this! BWWWAAAAHHHHAAAAHHHHAAA!
Thanks for the laugh.
THAT was funny! I’m going to be privately laughing about that one for the rest of the day.
even funnier this time around! glad shannon linked this!
Thanks for the laugh.
Girlfriend, you make me LAUGH! We love a good pun around here and that’s just the kind of thing that makes me laugh!
You know I love me some fireworks!
That is so funny! I am so glad I “met” you on Beth’s blog! and so glad you linked to these. I can’t think of anything to say that would be worthy of this!
Haha! My husband uses the fireworks comment every year! And he WOULD say that stupid pickle comment if he ever thought of it! LOL
Boomama, you cannot, absolutely CANNOT withhold these gems from us! What a hoot! I just adore you…you brighten my day in a multitude of ways…