My husband laughed out loud at me (OUT LOUD!) when he saw this:

I didn’t even care because a Sharpie? And a grocery store circular for the sales at Publix the week before Christmas?

You can add up those two things any way you want to, but the result will always be PURE, UNBRIDLED JOY, my friends.

I mean, I don’t even really like grated cheese in the bag, but Kraft cheese that’s two for $5? TWO FOR FIVE DOLLARS?

How can one possibly resist such a price?

Also, my mama has always told me that “there’s no substitute for Land O’ Lakes butter,” and at two for $5, THERE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE! I’LL TAKE TEN!

I need to get out more, don’t I?

Since I am nothing if not a creature of habit, today I went to Walmart. Then I went to Steinmart and Ross.

Excuse me. Clearly I meant to say Walmarts, Steinmarts and Rosses.

And oh, they did not disappoint.

I had to work for a little while this morning (I don’t know if you remember, but I develop long-range nuclear missiles for rogue government agencies as a quick and easy way to supplement our income), and before I picked up Alex from Mother’s Day Out I decided to do a little shopping. Oddly enough, shopping is far easier without a three year old companion who points at strangers and asks, “WHO’S THAT, MAMA?” as we make our way through the store.

At Walmart I found these adorable fleece pajama bottoms:

Now perhaps I am unusual in my deep and abiding affection for the pajama bottom. Certainly I am unusual in that I have photographed a pair of pajama bottoms for my blog. But I for one believe that a winter evening is not complete without a comfy pair of pajama bottoms, a long sleeve t-shirt, some thick white socks and my favorite bedroom shoes (y’all may know them as “slippers,” but here in the South they’re either “bedroom shoes” or “scuffs”).

Said adorable pajama bottoms were only $7.87. Say it with me, slowly: SEVEN DOLLARS AND EIGHTY SEVEN CENTS. I bought a couple of pairs, and I think they’ll make a great Christmas “happies” for some of my favorite people.

Ross was a hit because I found exactly what Mama mentioned to me that she wanted (no danger of spoiling the surprise since she cannot – and I quote – “turn on the email,” much less read my blog), and then I happened upon a veritable treasure trove of books for Alex. D and I like to keep his Christmas pretty simple – usually there’s one “big” toy (last year it was a train set; this year it’ll be Criss Cross Crash), and then we do practical stuff: socks, underwear, clothes. But the one area where we can be pretty indulgent is with books; the English major in me is always tickled to death when he asks for them.

So today at Ross, when I discovered book after book marked “reduced” – well, I nearly started tap dancing over in the toy department. I got this pile-o-books for about $15.

I KNOW! THEY HAVE WORDS AND EVERYTHING!

I found a couple of gifts at Steinmart, and right before I checked out I decided that I’d try to find a cute jacket for my mother-in-law. Martha LOVES her a cropped jacket, preferably one with beading and embroidery and all manner of embellishment. And if she finds a jacket at Steinmart that she likes but the store doesn’t have it in a petite size 2 (yeah. you read that correctly. I could fit her in my hip pocket.), she will call all the other Steinmarts in the southeast and describe the jacket in such detail that Faulkner himself would turn green with envy. If he were still alive and all.

So I happened across this particular jacket, which practically has M-A-R-T-H-A written all over it:

And did I mention that it was on the 75% off rack? And that it was originally $39.99? And that I paid a whopping $8.48?

[picture me skipping through the parking lot]

Because we’d already gotten Martha a DVD player (WELCOME TO THE 21ST CENTURY), the jacket is the perfect way to top-off her Christmas gifts from us. Also: remind me to transcribe every single word of D giving his mother instructions about how to operate the DVD player. Much hilarity will ensue. You will wet your pants. Twice.

So after I gathered my offspring from MDO and got back to the house, I realized that Santa must have arrived early. Because here is what I saw:

The warranty company totally came through for us.

And I say, WELCOME, brand-spankin’-new-five-ton-electric heat pump, to our humble abode.

You’ll be part of the family in no time at all.

Yesterday I confronted two startling realizations:

1) Christmas is two weeks away.

2) I have not done a single bit of shopping. Zilch. Zero. Nada.

So today I decided to do something about #2, which really isn’t uncommon here at BM: The Blawg (Jeana, that was for you).

I started off at Steinmart (or “Steinmarts,” if you’re Southern, and especially if you’re my mother-in-law), and I found a lovely, affordable, soft-as-fur throw for D’s grandmother, who got out of the hospital yesterday after an extended stay due to a broken hip.

D had a chance to visit his grandmother in the hospital this past weekend, and Sissie wanted to hear all about moving and the new house and Alex’s Christmas list. Ever since she’s been in the hospital she closes her eyes when you’re talking, and she nods impatiently, like isn’t terribly interested and wishes on some level that you’d hush up already. Then she says, “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU, SUGAR!” However, we know that this behavior has nothing to do with her health and everything to do with the fact that she is ticked off about being in the hospital when, as an active 96 year old woman, she would much rather be at her house sweeping the driveway or raking leaves.

So D did most of the talking at the hospital, and Sissie didn’t seem to be doing much listening. But then D’s mother called the next morning and said, “Now I found Criss Cross Crash in the Toys R Us supplement and there’s a little Hot Wheels toy listed beneath it and I just thought, well, that Alex might like the other Hot Wheels toy, too, since he wants Criss Cross Crash, doesn’t he want Criss Cross Crash?”

D said, “Um, HOW IN THE WORLD did you know that Alex wants Criss Cross Crash for Christmas?”

“Well, Sissie told me!” she replied.

Because Sissie obviously can’t hear a thing, you see.

I’m not sure why I just told you that whole story, but let’s all just smile and pretend that it’s relevant.

ANYWAY, the fact that Martha was making a list and checking it twice reminded me that I hadn’t made a list at all, much less checked it. I knew that with only 13 shopping days left, I had better get on the ball.

Which is what led me to Steinmarts (see? that whole Sissie sidenote was totally part of my narrative structure, and by “structure,” of course, I mean “randomness”). And then to Ross. And Ross is where I saw a shot glass tic tac toe set, and that is why I am writing this post.

(Oh praise the Lord, you’re thinking. We may be getting close to a point.)

I spent the better part of thirty minutes trying to figure out who in the world would buy a shot glass tic tac toe set, wondering if someone really has an Aunt Irma or Uncle Earl who loves nothing more than a stout shot or nine of bourbon, followed by a lively round of X’s and O’s. Then I wondered if drinking shots while playing tic tac toe is some secret national pasttime to which I’ve never been introduced, and if that’s the case I’m truly sorry because that sounds like One Klassy Pasttime indeed. But finally I just decided that the existence of a shot glass tic tac toe set is an act of pure desperation on the part of merchants around the world, a sign that they have reached the pinnacle of creating Items That Will Eventually Wind Up In A Garage Sale.

So as a public service to you, I’m going to make a little list of my own, a list that I’m calling Gifts That Rock Even Though They Do Not Include Shot Glasses.

It’s an exclusive line of gifts, as I’m sure you can tell.

But seriously – these are some of my favorite things to give friends – especially when a gift under $20 is the order of the day. Which it almost always is.

Final disclaimer: I have seen some wonderful homemade gift ideas on different blogs this year (GiBee‘s and Jennifer‘s and Barb‘s come to mind), but I’m just not a crafty girl, y’all. I’m also not patient enough to do the detail work that’s required on those thoughtful handmade gifts, and it’s really in the best interest of my family that I stay far, far away from anything involving craftiness. Because I would probably take some of those special crafty scissors and start to cut my hair in a wavy pattern as a result of crafty delirium. I’m just sayin’.

Also: I’ve never written a longer post. I can’t believe how long it has taken me to get to the list. I do apologize.

This Bath & Body Works candle is single-handedly responsible for the sale of our former home. I’m sure of it. It smells divine, costs less than $20 (there’s even a smaller $9.50 version), and it lasts a sweet forever. They were on sale for half price a couple of weeks ago, and I lost my ever-livin’ mind just a little bit, to the point that D was somewhat disturbed when he saw the Bath & Body Works transaction on the bank statement. But they are yummy and worth every penny.

Now I know that some people prefer the expensive salon brands, but I don’t think you can beat this nail polish, which you can find at any drug store, grocery store, dollar store or super store. Three bottles of polish wrapped in a fun bag make a great gift for your favorite babysitter or teacher, and what makes this stuff so great is that it dries in a flash. The pink color in the picture is my favorite, by the way.

There are few smells as pleasant as eucalyptus and spearmint, and this Bath & Body Works soap is like a little touch of the spa every single time you wash your hands. It’s only $12 for a big bottle, and I even use it in the tub sometimes because it’s such a relaxing smell. If there’s a Sunday School teacher or a Mother’s Day Out teacher who deserves a little pampering after a wild year with some crazy kids, this is a perfect gift. Every product in this fragrance line is wonderful.

If there’s someone in your life who gets untold joy from a clean kitchen and great-smelling cleaning products, then this counter spray is a must-give. I know that I can err on the side of OCD and all, but the thought of some Mrs. Meyers products with a pack of those makes my heart go all a-twitter. Because I am completely normal.

Sister and I ooh’d and aah’d over these adorable Pier 1 ornaments when she was here last weekend. And now they’re on sale! They would make great hostess gifts (speaking of hostess gifts, Sister found fabric wine bags at Dollar Tree for ONE DOLLAR, though in the interest of keeping all items down to the affordable one dollar price point, Dollar Tree doesn’t do the online shopping option and therefore I cannot provide a link). ANYHOO, I’m confident that some of you crafty types could figure out how to make similar ornaments at home, but if I were to attempt such a feat my kitchen would forever be adorned with shredded bits of hot pink and red tinsel that I scattered about the kitchen before the men in the white coats arrived.

Did I mention that I’m not crafty?

And so, lo these many hours later, I must bring this post to a close. Since I first began typing, Alex has hit puberty and D has grown a long, scraggly beard.

See y’all tomorrow.