Today’s Oprah was about the epidemic of young girls buying into a culture that objectifies them. It made me sick to my stomach. Really.
I won’t go into the details of the video montage at the beginning of today’s show, but it was disgusting. Stuff from music videos that you couldn’t have seen in an R-rated movie when I was growing up. Girls “dumbing down” around guys and imitating Paris Hilton when they go out with their friends. Girls who recruit other girls for videos that demean and exploit women. Girls who are proud of the fact that they won a thong contest. Girls who define themselves by what’s on the outside, by the amount of attention they get from men, as opposed to the depth of their intelligence or substance of their character.
Before my rant continues, I need to backtrack for just a second.
About six weeks ago I was at church one afternoon, trying to get ready for an event that weekend. A teenage girl stopped by to ask me a question, and while we were talking one of the men who works at our church – a married man, mind you – walked up and joined our conversation. I have not been able to get out of my mind what happened next.
The teenage girl’s voice went up about two octaves, and her posture changed completely. She became coy, flirtatious, and borderline seductive. I was horrified. Fortunately the man from church picked up on it, cut the conversation short, and got the heck out of dodge. Then the teenager resumed her conversation with me – in her normal tone of voice – like nothing had ever happened. I was so busy trying to process what I’d just witnessed that I didn’t say anything, and I regret that now. I think there was an opportunity for me to “speak the truth in love” to that young girl because I do have a relationship with her, but I didn’t. Shame on me for that.
Girls are following the culture’s lead, and I fear the results will be disastrous. Well, the results already are disastrous. When sixteen and seventeen year old girls are having their chests “augmented”…when parents allow their daughters to go out in public in little more than their underwear…when fourteen year olds are taking their parents’ credit cards into Victoria’s Secret and buying push-up bras and thongs…when college-aged girls keep a running tally of their “hook-ups” and post their scorecards on the internet…then America, we have a problem.
I don’t know how to solve it. But I do know this.
When I was growing up, I had an older sister who didn’t hesitate to set me straight if I crossed the modesty line. I remember when I first started wearing make-up around 12 or 13 and went a little heavy on the eyeliner…Sister and Barry BOTH called me out on that one, and I never did it again. Mama always bought me beautiful clothes, but there was nothing provocative about them…Mama didn’t even like for me to wear sleeveless stuff. And I don’t know what Mama and Sister said or did to get this through my brain – and especially into my heart – but I really believed that I was supposed to be treasured by a man, not just tolerated, and certainly not objectified.
Maybe all of this stuff is a shock to me because I had wonderful, sweet friends in high school and college, and most of them stop by this blog every couple of days. The older I get, the more I realize how unusual we were and are in that we truly support each other. We don’t always agree, of course, but woe be unto anyone who does harm to the others. I shudder to think what my life would have been like without them…they have held me accountable for my actions, encouraged me when I struggled, and been more loyal than I can ever make you understand. And more and more I realize that we are not the norm.
I hear so many stories of girls and women turning their backs on each other, dropping each other like a hot potato if a man enters the picture, saying horribly mean things behind their friends’ backs, falling out with each other over something petty and inconsequential. As long as women make a habit of treating each other like that, there’s not much hope for the girls who come behind us.
Part of me, as I watched today’s Oprah, wanted to haul some of those 16 year old party girls into a woodshed and make them stay there until they learned their lesson. But this is not a behavioral problem. This problem can’t be solved by locking a girl in her room, or taking away her car, or cutting off her cell phone.
It is a heart issue, plain and simple. Girls are trying to answer questions about themselves in a culture that has none of the right answers.
Someone told me one time that we’re born with a God-sized hole in our heart, and only He can fill it. It seems to me that when people try to fill that hole with our culture, with the “things of the world,” they can pour and pour and pour and pour – but they will never fill it up. Garbage in, garbage out, with girls going wild all the while.
What do we do?
Amended at 11:08 pm to add: I just got into bed and was telling D. about how FIRED UP I am by this whole issue, and he said something I thought I’d pass along:
When we were younger (back in da day), we were always threatened with the consequence of something going on our “permanent record.” But these kids are creating their own. Can you imagine the repercussions down the road of what they’re posting on their My Space accounts? Of what they’re saying about other people on the internet? Of the pictures they’re sharing online? I can’t imagine that a graduate program / future employer / future spouse would look too favorably on those past behaviors.
D. contends that consumerism is a powerful force behind a lot of these girls having no idea who they really are. The mentality seems to be that what girls have defines them, not who they are – so they need those shoes and that bag and it has to be that brand – which is just more garbage in, more trying to fill up your life with flash and not substance. People chase the next magic something that will “change their lives” – the latest jeans, the latest jewelry, the latest make-up, etc…and then they’re surprised when nothing is different, when they don’t feel better.
I think what you are dealing with is “redneck girls”. They have always acted that way and they did when I was growing up. They wore halter tops and blue jeans and were sexually active when they were 16. I don’t think that anybody from a decent family is going to let their children poke their chest out at men.
I work at a college and there are sooo many students that are well…just plain nasty. There are those students that make working here worth while. Most all students have a myspace account and have created a negative reputation for themselves around campus, but they don’t ‘see’ it yet. Sad.
My and my husband were eating out yesterday and there was a senior from the local high school trying to get a job there. He was turned away because he had 2 misdemeaners (sp?) and DUI’s.
Kids have no respect anymore. NONE.
I also saw the Oprah show and too was completely horrified. You’re exactly right, it is a heart issue. I love love the part about the hole in the heart that only our Lord and Savior Jesus can fill. Amen.
I helped host a party for a group of seniors here recently. I can testify that this group of 50 are right on track. It was a 50’s theme party. All the girls wore poodle skirts — they were adorable. With Grease music playing in the background we had hula hoop contests and dance off contests. They were all so cute about it. they were incredibly well mannered, respectful, and just pure fun. It was joyous to be around the heart of that X generation and to catch a glimpse of what God is doing!! God is moving through this generation and we need to pray and support! Yes, there will always be those girls who choose to stick their chest at you — but those girls , unfortunately were never taught that their valued, loved, and cherished by God. If they were, they never internalized that.
All to say, this is why we must pray for our children everyday and surround them with opportunities to develop healthy, clean, fun relationships with other like-minded soul keepers and winners.
EK, I love what you say. If we don’t address the heart issues with our kids, we are essentially shoving them into the world and saying, “Do the best you can. Figure it out.” I know what Stacy’s talking about in terms of “redneck girls” – but it goes beyond that now, I think. It really is an epidemic, and it’s girls from ALL backgrounds. Public schools, private schools…and it actually seems to be the ones with lots of money and little supervision who suffer the most if what I saw yesterday is any indication. Plus, kids are doing a lot of damage to themselves from within the walls of their homes on the internet.
And I have somehow moved Maria’s comment from last night from this thread, but I’m working to move it back. I did something wonky when I was turning comments off and on. Just FYI. :-)
Well, I just remember those girls who walked around in halter tops and blue jeans with a brush and lip gloss.
Your clarity was right on target! And I totally understood your vent. It is horrifying what we see today. I have tried several ways to answer your question, but I belive it comes right down to this, we have allowed the world to kick God out of our culture and we have to be the ones to open the door for Him to come back in. Start speaking the Truth and standing up for it, all in love but ALWAYS in Truth.
Please understand I am speaking in the general sense, I am not harping on you AT ALL. I am guilty of keeping quiet and to myself when I should stand up and speak, more times than I want to admit. But I am realizing more and more that this is what it comes down to.
~hugs~
Maria
04.11.06 – 12:28 am
This is long, but I’m on a roll, too. It runs in the family. :)
About 15 years ago, I had a private meeting with an employee to discuss her (lack of) “business attire”…in particular, ample cleavage that was there for all to see. She cried, but I stood my ground. You see, since I am very shallow, when a person dresses provocatively or in a suggestive fashion, I have trouble getting past that fact. I immediately make assumptions…probably the wrong ones, but I do make certain assumptions. I also doubt their judgment, and if you are doing business with me and dressing like that, I’m going to second guess your judgment on many levels. I can’t help it. That’s how I’m made.
One thing I have learned from these types of situations, is that from wardrobe to dating to table manners, most girls are not taught what is proper anymore. Accents/language/slang/lack of grammar are also “thorns in my side”. More than once have I told an intern, “Lemme tell you something. You use that valley girl or whatever kind of accent and voice in your interviews and you will permanently be looking for a j-o-b. And, while you’re at it, you’d better edit that My Space page of yours.” Some of you may think of me as harsh, but BooMama will vouch that I really do mean well. Besides, I’m the oldest one here, so y’all have to listen. :)
I vouch: yes, she does mean well, and yes, you have to listen. :-)
Everyone has made some EXCELLENT points.
My perspective is this: While realizing that we are living in the latter days, in terms of Christ’s return, we as Christians are charged with holding back Satan as best we can. And make no mistake, it IS Satan’s influence that is behind the moral collapse of our world today. One thing that helps me maintain my perspective, though, is to remember Sodom and Gomorrha.(sp?)All those thousands of years ago, evil was at work, and only God’s man stood in the gap against it. Lot had even pitched his tent toward Sodom, and might have been on his way to spiritual meltdown, but God intervened.
As always, from Old Testament times up till the present, God’s people are charged to stand in the gap. Some even today have pitched their figurative tents toward Sodom. Some are standing in the gap, and some have allowed themselves to be given over to reprobate minds, and be used as tools of Satan.
In search of God’s pure love and acceptance, our young people, women and men, are being deceived into accepting Satan’s counterfeit of sex and immorality in place of that Spiritual love and acceptance. I want to be sure and make the distinction of acceptance of the sinner, NOT the sin. I think we Christians fail in that area today. We hesitate to point out the truth in love, for fear of offending and alienating fellow Christians and prospects.
A pastor friend preached a message during revival one night 15 years ago that has really stuck with me. Do we want to offend someone with the truth and perhaps influence them to the right way, or apathy them into Hell? God’s people are charged to pray, pray, pray, and to be willing to put feet on those prayers and speak the truth in love when called upon.
I know I have failed to speak sometimes for fear of offending, and to be honest, I just don’t like confrontation. But God has convicted me about this in my life, and He is dealing with me in this area.
I know this was long, but it just spilled out when I started typing. I hope maybe it helps. It helped me to put it down on um…uh…What is this, anyway? Electronic paper? :)
…and the rest of the story is that I went to Holy Eucharist at 12:15 today. The Bishop, was there. (Yikes!) I had just unloaded on BooMama’s website being all high and mighty. And during Holy Week, no less. Hmmmmmm.
Well, he had some thoughts to share with us on The Cross. He told us about a professor who was bitten by a green mamba snake while taking a group of students on a nature tour. The prof showed the students what to do and adminstered the snake bite kit himself before collapsing. He showed them by example.
So, was the lesson for shallow me to stay away from snakes? Well, yes and no.
It’s all about The Cross and The Poison of The World. God uses Jesus through us to extract the poison of the world…but I think He wants us to do it in love.
Forgive me for being/sounding so callous and all-knowing.
:)
I don’t think you sounded callous at all. I think you were being honest. And I know you well enough to know that if you were saying any of those things to someone in person, you would say them in a kind and loving way. That’s the very reason people come to you and pour out all their problems. Did ya think about THAT? :-)
But I think The Very Rev. makes an excellent point, one that just about everyone has touched on today: the “gentle correction” must be done in love. What’s so frustrating for me about this particular issue is that, to a certain extent, we’re dealing with an uninterested, disconnected audience. So how do we reach them?
A friend of mine told me a couple of years ago – after a particularly frustrating counseling session with a teenager – that if someone doesn’t recognize the need for a Savior, you can talk until you’re blue in the face, and they’re never going to get it. There has to be a certain element of willingness and surrender in order for the Holy Spirit to begin to do His work.
But the impatient side of me just wants for these girls to get it, to see that there’s a much bigger picture, something so much bigger than they are.
I’m not even thinking about this issue from the perspective that “the world’s gone to hell in a handbasket.” It just grieves my heart that these girls are making decisions at 14, 15, 16 years old that will haunt them for the rest of their lives. It is so sad.
Here’s something to think about: I see plenty of girls at my church and around town who I know are raised in a Christian home, go to church, are active in the youth group, are polite, respectful, honest, hard-working, etc., etc., etc. and still dress in a way we would describe as provocative. Unfortunately that’s just what’s “IN” right now. Sometimes I see them and am amazed that their parents let them out of the house like that! And Spence and I swear we will never let Molly out of the house like that. I don’t know how these girls behave on dates and at parties and such, but on the surface you would never think they’re “bad” girls. So that’s what’s so weird — girls who you know are good girls at heart, but still dress in a way that’s bad. All I can figure is that their parents want them to look the best, have the best so they buy them the best, most stylish clothes, which happens to be at the moment, very revealing. When I see pictures of girls from Beauty & Beau pageants or proms, I am amazed at the dresses. Straight down with cleavage for days! One mom I work with told me about a friend of her son’s with cutouts on each hip of her dress the size of a grapefruit!!! Just a cut open circle to expose her bare hips!!! That one had me reeling for days. These boys are being tempted beyond what they can handle. And then that opens a whole new can of worms….
‘Cuse me while I interject this one thing:
You said, “…In fact, they actually wore exactly what I encouraged them NOT to wear.”
MY questions: Where are the parents? Who is running the show? Who is the voice of authority?
(Stepping on toes here, I’m sure) I blame the parents. They allow this sort of behavior. I know too many mamas who live their lives through their children and lose all perspective.
This is all coming from a non-parent, of course.
So true, So true Merritt!! Two years ago our Women’s Ministry hosted a city wide Fashion Show titled “Clothed in Grace.” Miss America Heather Whitestone came and spoke. The intention was to encourage Moms and Daughters to shop together and communicate on what is appropriate, modest — so much more – too long to write about.
A small council had to approve the outfits the girls would wear in the fashion show. The intent was to show what is appropriate and how to work with some of the fashions — ie. wearing a tank under plunging neck lines, etc. 99% of the girls really got it — we had a few sessions on searching God’s word for guidance.
One unforgettable situation, a young girl from a small local church came in with pants that were TOO TIGHT!! I’m sorry, when you can clearly see panty lines — do not purchase!! Anyway, we very gently asked her to re-consider. At the same time, finding out her father is the preacher at that small church. I spoke with her mom days later — just knowing she would be appreciative. Oh no, her mom said “Well, I thought the pants were lovely and she worked so hard to pick them out!” I was completely floored!!!I remember thinking, she doesn’t have a clue!! I found out last week this same young girl is now on drugs, living outside her parents home — and being financially enabled by her parents. They still don’t have a clue.
So, you’re right to say it is everywhere and we need to wake up and speak the truth in love.
This is exceptionally difficult when some of your own friends even wear questionable clothing. My son attends a private Christian school. To see what some of the moms are wearing when they pick them up — oh my goodness, I don’t want Reed to see it!!
I remember what Heather said to the girls “Girls, after you get dressed, if you look in the mirror and say — ooh! I look good — then you need to change your clothes.” Since, I have learned that Point of Grace has a ministry titled Girls of Grace that is extroidinary — check out their website. Also, http://www.purefreedom.org is a good one.
Merritt – You hit the nail on the head. I told D. last night that I think one reason this issue bothers me so much is because just last week I was talking to several good, sweet, Christian girls about what would be appropriate to wear to a special event, and I got NOWHERE with them. In fact, they actually wore exactly what I encouraged them NOT to wear. You can almost see how girls who don’t come from Christian homes could be so easily seduced by the culture, but the girls I was talking to ARE from Christian homes, are Christians themselves, and they don’t get it…they want to have their cut-outs and their Jesus, too. :-)
Today I was thinking about how D and I will address this issue with Alex…because you’re right…they’re tempting guys right and left. Guys are so visual, and well, I’ll just leave it at that.
Do you remember the dresses we wore to leadouts? The puffy sleeves? The full skirts? Could they have BEEN any more matronly? The stuff we wore in college, too.
Y’all stand firm with Miss Molly. I know it’s a battle for all parents of girls – Liz has told me about some of the struggles she’s had when shopping with AC – but I think the transformation has to start from the families and move outward…instead of from the culture moving inward.
I agree with Sister wholeheartedly. I just read an article in the paper today about teenagers wanting to do things like pierce noses, get tattoos, dye hair blue, etc. A local counselor said, “It’s not your job to make your child happy. It’s your job to equip them with the ability to handle the realities of the world, no matter how unfair they may seem.” I love that – not out job to make them happy!! 9 times out of 10 the parents are the ones paying for the clothes and even when they’re not, they have the final say-so in what their children are allowed to wear. So, yes, the parents are ultimately responsible for how their children are dressed – appropriately or inappropriately.
Oh, Sister, you have NOT stepped on THIS parent’s toes! It IS all about the parents! I believe that all of this starts in the home. We have to proactive and make choices for our children as well as live by example, do I give him a Trinkee for a snack or an apple? Do we go to Sunday school or work in the yard? If I see mama wearing Daisy Duke’s, it’s ok for me. Who said that being a parent was easy? It is anything but! Being a friend to them is easy.