So Southern It Should Win A Contest

Alex spent part of this morning and afternoon with Martha, and apparently when she fixed him a delicious homemade lunch of carrots, green beans, and rice, he proceeded to tell her that he doesn’t really like those things, thank you, but he does, however, like brownies.

So I think it’s pretty much a given that he’s in Official Spoiled Rotten Mode. Which is perfectly fine by me.

When Mama went by Martha’s house to pick up the little man later this afternoon, Martha mentioned to Mama that she would really like to come visit D. and me. She still hasn’t seen our new house because for the last six months she’s had her hands full taking care of D.’s grandmother, and Martha told Mama that she’s “dying! just dying! absolutely dying!” to come visit.

Since Mama and Daddy are planning to meet us in a couple of days (if in fact Alex decides that he’s ever coming home again), Mama suggested that Martha should hop in the car with them and instead of meeting us halfway, they’d just come straight to our house and spend the night. That way Martha could have a little time away from home, she’d finally see the house, and she’d have even more time with Alex.

Martha replied – AND I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP – that unfortunately Wednesday won’t work for her because that’s the day she’s planning to take her recently widowed friend Rubena to eat fried catfish at the church.

I’ll pause for just a second so that you can really soak up that last sentence.

There’s a whole lot of Southern in there, my friends.

And I have laughed my head off all night long as a result.

Really, y’all, I almost feel like Martha has laid down some sort of gauntlet in terms of Terribly Southern Ways To Decline An Invitation.

And, as any good Southern girl would do, I’ve spent a good bit of time tonight trying to rise to Martha’s unintended challenge.

So here are a few of my own, though I think it’s pretty clear that I have a lot to learn from my mother-in-law…and for those of you playing at home, you can preface each one of my polite refusals with this phrase:

Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    – have to make mint juleps for the Kentucky Derby party.
    – have to wash Bubba’s clothes for the tractor pull.
    – have to polish my silver service before the Wesley Circle’s tea.
    – have to bake a pound cake for my neighbor’s nephew’s ex-wife’s cousin who’s having a terrible time with her bursitis.
    – have to stock up on real butter for Paula Deen Theme Night at our supper club.
    – have to get the crepe myrtles pruned before the Southern Living photo shoot.
    – have to get my hair fixed before I go to the Winn Dixie (OH WAIT, MARTHA ALREADY DOES THAT).

I could go on and on. But I won’t, because I want to hear from y’all.

Now granted, Martha may have taken the grand prize what with working a recently widowed friend, fried catfish and church into hers (it’s like a Southern etiquette trifecta, really), so we’ll just consider her the standard-bearer and have ourselves a little contest.

So if you’re a Southern girl – or even just an observer of the South – come up with what you think is the epitome of a polite refusal, Southern style. Make up as many as you want, in fact, and post them in the comments.

I’ll take all the “entries” that have been posted by 6:00 pm Tuesday night (and that’s CENTRAL TIME, THE OFFICIAL TIME ZONE OF THE DEEP SOUTH), and I’m going to get three friends to judge them. I won’t announce those friends’ names until after the fact because, well, I still have to ask them to do this and all, but I’m sure they’ll be more than willing because my friends are sweet like that.

After they pick the “polite refusal” that they deem the most Southern, I’ll send the author of the comment a copy of this book:

140130295501_sclzzzzzzz_v45614425_aa240_.jpgOf course, I haven’t actually read this book, but I thumbed through it this past weekend in Mississippi and it looks absolutely adorable. You can read more about it here.

And in the meantime, I’ll get my friend Lea Margaret to tell me ALL about it, because one of the authors is from Greenville, Mississippi, and quite frankly there’s not a soul in Greenville that Lea Margaret doesn’t know.

As Martha would say, this is going to be more fun, y’all! Just more fun! We’ll just have more fun!

I may have to eat me a little fried chicken to celebrate.

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Comments

  1. Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    -gotta help daddy get his coon dogs ready for that hunting trip this weekend.

    -already made reservations for dinner with the sewing group down at the cracker barrel.

    -gotta go pick up daddy’s mounted buckhead from the shop – they called and said it was ready.

    -read in the paper that piggly wiggly’s having a 2-fer-1 sale and they got whole chickens on sale for 39c a pound!

    -gotta stay home and watch the evening news to see if I need to pick up cousin Earl from the jail again.

    Hee hee hee. Reliving my growing up days in Tennessee! :)
    Love, Michelle

  2. Oh Sugar, I would love to, but I’m fixin to hafta cook a whole mess of collards for little Bobby Sue’s Comin’ Out party, God love it.

  3. Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    * have been just plain stricken with the vapors and I musent go out lookin such a mess.

    *have to go down to the Senior center for the singles mixer on Wednesday. I’ve heard that widow man Johnson is lookin mighty fine these days.

    * have to get ready to start cannin’ my chow chow and then there’s them chitlin’s that have to be made. We can’t go having dinner on the ground after Sundey services without them chitlins.

    *have to go down to the Walmark to get my fixins for the bake sale we’re havin over at the trailer park.

  4. oh wait! I forgot one!

    Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    ..have to go down to the pastor’s auction barn for the auction. Maxine says he’s gonna have a half price sale on those rice crispy treats your daddy loves sa much.

  5. First of all, I view Martha’s comment as perfectly normal, which says a lot about me. :>) Now let Pooh think and I’ll get back to you…

  6. I’m going to have to think about this one, but Lord have mercy I”m just so relieved that Rubena isn’t going to miss out on the fried catfish up at the church.

  7. Well, giirrlfriend, I shore do ‘preciate you askin’ an all, but Joe Don always gets so befuddled on Wedsdays when he comes home to find no leftover catfish (I tuck extrys away in my bosum after takin’ Rubena to the church). I also tuck in some teenie weenie little hush puppies too…He says it adds flavor the way I do it, ya know? But don’t tell nobody, ‘k?

  8. Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    –Billy Bob n’ Peggy Sue is gonna finally get hitched down at tha ole’ courthouse on Wensdey and I gots ta be’s der’ jus’ in case they need a witness that they ain’t kin folks.

    –Wensdey night is Senior nite down at the ole’ Bingo and the grand prize is a new set of teeth.

  9. Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because…

    -I have to carry mother over to the Piggly Wiggly to get the fixins for the supper she’s planning on feeding to all the kin in town for homecoming week over at the church.

    –that’s the night I have to bake a pie for Flossie Mae. Her arthurites is acting up something terrible. Bless her heart.

    –Billy Bob’s already got us some tickets for the monster truck pull. We’ve got to run by the walmart first to get some new overalls for the occasion.

    –I promised I would patch up Uncle Bud’s overalls that day so he can go calling on Miss Pearl over at the senior center.

    –I’m meeting the girls over at the Piccadilly so we can plan the quilts we’re making for the county fair. That snooty Maybell has taken home the blue ribbon for three years running, so we’ve got to get our ducks in a row so I don’t have to listen to her crowing a whole ‘nother year.

  10. Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because…

    …I promised LouWana I’d carry her over t’ the state line package store so that nobody from church would see her buyin’ the Southern Comfort to make Paula Deen’s punch recipe for the sewin’ circle.

    …I got a bone in m’ leg.

    Oh, and I thought of one more:

    …that’s the same time as my appointment at The Kut ‘n’ Kurl, and it took me three months to get my weekly’s made for the same time as Miss Ada’s and you know I don’t normally eavesdrop, but you can’t help but hear Miss Ada when she’s under the dryer and I’ll swanee that woman tells everything she knows and since your Daddy’s sister quit talkin’ to us when I happened to comment on her new grandbaby’s beautiful dark coloring and how I didn’t recall ever seeing anything like that on their side of the family before, I don’t have any other way of knowing what’s going on with that part of the family since Daddy won’t pick up the phone to call somebody unless it’s Doc down at the salvage to see if he has any more Ford bumpers because it seems like he pulls one off at least once a month and I don’t have the faintest idea what he could be tryin’ to pull with the bumper of the truck but I don’t guess it’s any of my business and it really doesn’t matter because Miss Ada said last week that Mamaw was feelin’ poorly again and had gone back to giving away all the little do-nothin’s she keeps on that ledge that runs the length and breadth of that double-wide and who knows but that she’s really sick this time and you KNOW that when she does pass on that she PROMISED me her Rosepoint silverware, and yes ma’am, she meant the dinner set AND the luncheon set, but if she goes on and I don’t get there before Earlene that dinner set will be GONE so you see I really can’t join you this time, but bless your heart for askin’.

  11. OMG these are too funny. Sad part is that I can read them perfectly too! (I’m from Ga)

    I’ll have to try come up with something.

  12. Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because…

    “…that’s the day the Junior Auxiliary is giving the tea for mah little Scarlett Jean before she gives up her “Miss Pink Tomato” crown at the Fairgrounds. She has the most DARLIN’ little dress picked out for it! But bless your heart, thank you for askin’ me! Oh, and while I have you on the phone, how many tickets can I put down for you on that magnolia quilt the Extension Club is rafflin’ for the preacher’s retirement gift?”

    (I think I actually HAD conversations like this!):0)

  13. LOL, in case you thought I was pullin’ your leg, check out this URL from my hometown in south Arkansas.
    For real…..we have a Pink Tomato Festival!

    http://www.bradleychamber.com/bradleypinktomato/index.html

  14. Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    – just remembered that’s the day we’re having the tires on the house rotated.

    – got comp’ny comin’ after church Sunday, and I can’t have the preacher and his wife thinking we live like heatherns. You know her, don’tcha? Isn’t she the sweetest thing? But I tell you what, I would just die if she was to walk in here with this place lookin’ such a mess! You understand, I’m sure, since you’ve got menfolk to pick up after. My word! You’d think mine was raised in a barn, not that I’m complaining, mind you. I wouldn’t take a million dollars for any of ’em, but I wouldn’t give a nickel for one like any of ’em neither. I was just sayin’ to my mama the other day… hold on just a minute… BUBBA! Get down outta that tree afore you rip yore britches! I ain’t got time for no mendin’! Don’t make me take a switch to yer hide! Now untie yer sister and play nice!… I don’t know what has got into kids these days!

  15. well bless my heart! I didn’t notice anything strange about Martha’s excuse either.

    I hope they had cole slaw and poke salet at the church too. It just wouldn’t be fittin an proper if they didnt have cole slaw and poke salet. And it’s just too bad Granny died without passin on her dumplin recipe. Nobody evuh made dumplins better’n she did.

    Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    have to shell peas and shuck corn.

    have to sit up at the funeral home with Great Aunt Eula Mae’s body.

    have to wash the gravestones for Decoration this weekend.

    have to help decorate the fellowship hall for little Bobbie Jean’s baby shower. She’s [whispers] pg, ya know.

    will be watching the Auburn-Alabama game.

    have to help the ol’ man skin his deer out and get the hide and rack to the taxidermist.

    have to skin out my deer and get the hide and rack to the taxidermist.

    Gotta quit and get some sleep!

  16. Hysterical! I don’t dare throw my Midwest hat in the mix especially since I only lived in “Northern” Virginia and “Southern” Maryland and they hardly count! But if I were to contribute, I’d have to mention sweet tea. And that’s all I know! :)

  17. Oh sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I have to watch American Idol and watch Sanjaya get the boot!

  18. Aunt Nette says:

    Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    the lawn mower man might come by tomorrow and I will need to write him a check

    I was listening to the scanner last night and I need to see if the funeral home gets busy today.
    (funeral home is only a block away, next door to the very busy courthouse)

    I have to give my dog and cat their hotdogs tomorrow morning

    the cleaning lady is coming Tuesday and I still haven’t cleaned all the knick knacks on top of my kitchen cabinet. And it has been two days since I have vacuumed. She will just think I live in a pigs sty

  19. forgot to add…….

    ——Because Billy Bob, Joe Ed, Linda Lue, and I are headin’ up to ‘Dega for da big Nascar race this weekend.

  20. You are certainly free to wash my clothes (or dishes for that matter) any day of the week BUT…I have NEVER been to a tractor pull….lol

  21. Too funny! I love it! Brenda’s response was hilarious…… tires on the house rotated! :)

  22. I love this! Don’t know what it says about me, but I understand all of them perfectly!

    I’ll have to think on me one and git back over here to post it…LOL.

  23. suzanne says:

    Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    …gotta make sure the ‘maters Uncle Joe drops off get in the house…he’ll just leave ’em on the porch and the ‘coons will get them if I don’t get ’em in the kitchen. That would be a waste of perfectly good ‘maters, donchaknow?

    …need to put up these mayhaws before they go sour

    …donchaknow that’s when BettyMae and Clovis are coming by to bring me those collards they picked up from JimEd? He grows the lahgest ones I’ve evah seen, and I don’t want to miss out on them!

  24. suzanne says:

    …the Dollah Store is having Happy hour on that day, and do you know they are gonna have that Mighty Fine Toilet Bowl cleaner TWO for ONE? I can’t miss that sale; and everybody’s gonna be there, too.

  25. Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    — have to fix a pot of dumplin’s to take to the old folks at the senior meeting.

    — have to help my neighbor Ida Mae get ready to move to Texas. Her son lives there, you know.

    — have to help your Uncle Kurt get ready for the fish fry down at the fire station.

    (all real excuses, courtesy of my 80 year old grandmother) :)

  26. Well, I would just LOVE to come, but I’ve got to take Maggie May Ann to the beauty operator that day on account of she got her hair caught in the door way the other night? And I TOLD her that door frame was nigh an inch too short but she didn’t hear me on account of Lily Sue Grace was tellin’ her how she makes her butter beans because Maggie May Ann has been trying, bless her newlwyed heart, to learn the cookin’ and she’s jes havin’ a terrible time. You know her Mama, God rest her soul, woulda had her cookin’ just as pretty as you please, yes ma’am, if she hadn’t a been took with the pneumonia. And then that pretty little thing her Daddy took up with up and run off with that boy from the Roto Rooter and now I’m not one to gossip but I told Sophie Jane as soon as I met her I knew she was no good because you just can’t trust a woman who would wear white shoes after Labor Day, no ma’am. No class atall.

    But how ’bout Thursday night, darlin’? Alice Kay closes the beauty shop early that night soes she can watch Grey’s Anatomy, so I know that night would be just perfect. And what can I bring? Some collards?

  27. suzanne says:

    …got to get ready for the Circle meetin’ at my house next week. If I don’t get it sparklin’ clean, doncha know Earleen will be telling her bridge group that it’s April 17th and I don’t even have my windows warshed yet?

    …we are late tilling up the gourd/punkin patch, and getting them seeds in the ground? If we don’t get ’em done, there ain’t gonna be no punkins come Halloween?

    ….gotta watch Pat and Vanna….my show, doncha know. One of these days I’m gonna get on that tv and win me some money playin that game….and then I’m gonna give some of it to the church ’cause they really need to get the cemetery cleaned up. Did you know they can wash them head stones with a pressure washer and they look brand spankin new?

    ….that’s when JimBob’s show, RedNeck Adventures plays and he’s gonna be callin me to see ifin I watched it and what I thought about him and his boys on their adventure.(funny thing is this is TRUE!!)

  28. OH MY GOSH….I don’t have one but I have to say I almost hacked up a lung laughing at Clemntines comment about the LouWana and the Paula Deen Punch recipe for the sewing circle….. THAT was hysterical – Nothing like starting the morning with a laughing fit!
    THANKS!

  29. That is hilarious! Having been in the South almost my entire life, I can certainly relate to those excuses and I think your Aunt “Mahtha” and my Mother are the same person!!!

    Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    …am the Rodeo Queen and we’re having our annual Wagon Wheel parade through Montgomery for the “Gahvenah” (that’s Governor in Northern talk)

    …have to pick up Bobby Sue from school. Her gym teacher just called and said her water broke!

    …it’s the start of the Peanut Festival down in Dothan and I already promised Mayva that I would attend with her church’s Saint’s Alive group. There’s a fella there she’s been wanting me to meet and for the life of me I can’t get it through Mayva’s head that nobody can take your Uncle Earl’s place, but she’s insistent so I’m just going to be polite.

  30. Clementine simply must win. I’m a born and bred Yankee so I’m clueless, but Clementine definitely deserves top prize!!!

  31. Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    …invited Rita Fae over that night to fix up a batch of homemade pork rinds & cracklins.

    …have got Jo Louise comin’over to do my hair. Since she’s already paid for the peroxide, it be a shame to put her off.

    …already promised to watch Delbert & Charlotte’s nine kids that night while she’s at the hospital havin’ a baby.

    …promised to iron Bobby Joe’s “Little E Rules” t-shirt ’cause the NASCAR race is on Saturday this week instead of Sunday. You know how he gets if he doesn’ have that shirt for raceday.

    …promised to help Maggie take out her prom dress. I just hope she still be able to fit into it next month, if you know what I mean.

    …got to vaccuum off the deer head mounts in the livin’ room.

  32. Oh Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because…

    …I’ve got to get those young’uns to the doctor. They’ve got that cough that just won’t go ‘way, even though we put a touch a bourbon in their bottles to soothe their throats, bless their hearts!

    …I’ve got to make some cucumber sandwiches for Lucy May’s debutante party, even though, between you and me, I don’t know how that girl got picked for a comin’out party since she’s already been “out” all over town, if you know what I mean, bless her heart!

  33. Alright, another lay judge casting a vote for Clementine. And now I want to pack my boxes and move to the south from waaaaay up here in Missouri.

  34. I’m still thinking on this one. This whole thing makes me think of Chris’ Aunt Blanche, who could be Sissy’s sister. She’s in heaven now, but that sweet woman was the epitome of all things Southern. She was a LADY.

    And not that you’ve asked me, but Clemntine’s comment wins my vote. That woman is quick with the wit :)

  35. No witty Southern “polite refusals”, but I got plen-tee of redneck ones!

    Anyhoo, the 2 authors will be at The Alabama Booksmith this Thursday autographing copies of this book and their first one “Being Dead is No Excuse…”

  36. HeatherB says:

    ROFL – oh my goodness….Clemntine’s last one is HILARIOUS. with Jeana’s comin in a close second :)

  37. Oh my goodness! I’m totally cracking up here, way up north in Michigan. I’ve never lived farther south than the Chicago area, so I have nothing to add for a polite Southern refusal.

    I’ve been lurking on your site for a few months now, found from Sarah’s In the Midst of It, found from Lisa Whelchel’s site. I had no idea there was such a huge Blog world out there. I just might have to start one myself some day. Thanks for starting my day with some good laughs :)

  38. Now why didn’t I work the Piggly Wiggly in there somewhere? If I don’t win I’ll know why. Well, that and Clementine’s Southern brilliance. It’s that red hair, I tell you. Although I swanee I don’t recall seein’ that red hair on her daddy’s side of the family before.

    (And it goes without sayin that when I say the Piggly Wiggly what I mean is that store that used to be the Piggly Wiggly but then Albertoson’s bought it out and then they closed down and Kroger’s took it over, but we still just call it the Piggly Wiggly except Norma Lou ’cause she’s new in town, just moved here from Ar-KAN-sas, I think.)

    My land, my blood pressure.

  39. There are just so many nuggets of Southerness that it makes me giddy. Martha just laid it down with the big three- church, catfish, and a widow.
    My mother actually did say to someone, ” I just won’t be able to attend, because it is supposed to rain that afternoon and well MY HAIR appointment is that morning and I have to look good for a wedding on Saturday!”

  40. Being the southern girl I am, I totally under stand that Martha had made a commitment to Rubena and after all she had to keep her word or the Rebena might thing bad of her and you know southern women have a reputation to protect she can’t have the neighbors talking that she told Rebena she would take her to the cafish dinner at the church and she intends to keep her word, what’s a southern lady to do?

    I think all the reasons have just about been covered. :-) LOL

  41. It is so sweet of you to ask, but I’m sorry I just can’t make it…

    I’m gettin’ my hair done that mornin’ because Darlene was closed last Friday because of a family emergency…and my hair looks terrible. I missed church Sunday because I was so embarrassed and I just can’t miss church again Wednesday night. People will start to talk. It really needs a good wash and set and I always get it done on Friday but Darlene had a family emergency and she hasn’t closed her shop on a Friday since Hurricane Katrina… and well, I got there at my usual time, 11:00 and no one was there. I knocked on the carport door where the shop is, you know they closed up their carport about 7, no maybe it was 8, no about 15 years ago so Darlene could open her own shop because she was tired of working with Louise at Beauty World. Louise, bless her heart, she can do good perms but she doesn’t have a lick of personality. I think she gets that from her mama’s side…
    But, anyway.
    Darlene had closed the shop and left a note on the door. Her son, Billy Jack… you remember him, don’t you? Y’all went to school together. His sister was Marlene. She’s a Wilson now. She married one of those Wilson boys. Jimmmy Wilson, not Timmy. (in a whisper-Timmy is the one with the drinking problem.)
    But, anyway.
    Billy Jack had fallen and hit his head last Saturday at the weddin’ and they thought he was alright but I guess he must’ve really hurt himself somethin’ awful because now they say he has a bruise on the brain, I think they called it a concu-, comcu-,
    But, anyway…
    He got swimmy headed again and they took him to the ‘mergency room over in Waycross.
    What?
    Oh, he’s gonna be alright. I took some food over there…
    What?
    Why’d he fall?
    Well, wouldn’t you know it! He fainted at the weddin’ and fell right into Rosemary’s Mock Pink Champagne Punch. That Lilly Beth finally caught the bouquet!

  42. My most sincere aplogies. I had no idea HOW LONG THAT WAS until I hit submit comment.

  43. I can’t stop laughing. What a great excuse!

  44. Born and raised in good ‘ole Beaumont, Texas, so a true southerner, and I’m not going to add anything here, because honestly reading everything that’s already been submitted, from the likes of Clemntine and Big Mama, I will say the most gracious decline to an invitation I ever heard, from one of our pastor’s wives, from Georgia, she just smiled so sweetly, and simply said: “Thank you for thinking of me, I’m sorry I won’t be able to attend.” I still remember it as an example of how to graciously get out of all the things I do not want to be a part of. If I were to submit anything, it would include having the girls over to play cards, wash day, canning, cooking squirrel for dinner, and those would be right out of my history book. xoxoxo

  45. Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    – have to go carry an icy glass of sweet tea to my man who’s fixing to get that confederate flag into the back window of his dirty ol’ pickup.

    – have a shopping trip planned to go pick out some pearls to go with that sweater set I’m wearing to the church potluck.

    – have to go fry up some green tomatoes.

    – am going to DOLLYWOOD!

    (okay, okay, I know. I’ve never lived farther south than Steubenville, Ohio. but i know a southern bride that would just drool to have this book!)

  46. Too funny!
    Sugar so sorry can’t make it would love to.. Mabel and I fixing to go to the darling hat shop for the derby next week and yall know I have things to make for the fair ..Sugar I so see a blue ribbon wrapped around my little finger this year ….well off doll to the Owl to get the melt in your mouth treats for lunch…

    Angel Mama

  47. I thought of another reason–

    Oh, heavens! If Martha left for the night her house MIGHT just grow LEGS and. walk. right. off! I know being the refined southern lady she is, her house DOES NOT have wheels!

  48. The following comes courtesy of my Aunt Audine:

    “Oh hon, I really can’t go because that sausage I picked up from the Piggly Wiggly gave me the “scoots” and this morning I looked just liked I’d been pulled through a knot hole.”

  49. “go to the Winn Dixie”?? HUH? What in the sweet ranish is Winn Dixie? I thought that was a dog from a kids movie.

    You silly southerners.

    Jamie

  50. OH, Sugar, I’d just love to join you but I can’t because…..
    –It’s opening day of deer season, and I’m cooking up a mess of collard greens, chicken and dumplin’s, sweet tea and fried pies for the boys. They will be plumb tuckered out by the time they get finished skinnin’ all those deer they are sure to bring back.
    –I’ve gotta go to the fox hunter’s club and help Pa round up his dogs that didn’t come back to the truck last night.
    –I’ve got a garden to hoe, chickens to feed, pigs to slop and Ole Bessie (the cow) is about to birth those twin calves any minute now and she is going to need help!
    –The Piggly Wiggly is having a sale on Collard Green and fat back and I gotta get it before tomorrow.
    –I’m practicing for the seed spitting contest at the fair tomorrow!

    I’m a Georgia girl – relocated to NC…….Southern by all accounts!
    This is SO much fun!
    Mindy

  51. A few more- short, I promise. :>)

    I would love to but…

    I promised Big Mama I would come over and help her dress all that meat from the wild hogs Capital P killed.

    The Weather Channel said it might rain that day. You know I never travel in bad weather. That Jim Gandoory sure seems like a fine young man. He looks a lot like your Daddy’s people.

  52. I’m not even gonna try…Clementine and her Kut n Kurl/Rosepointe silver have it locked up.

    Thanks for the great laughs y’all :)

  53. I am rollin’. I’m sure I have one or two “polite” Southern refusals in my arsenal somewhere, but I just can’t seem to get them out. Clemntine’s Kut’n’Kurl gets my vote!!! I also love Fiddledeedee’s Piggly Wiggly sausage story. Sorry this MS gal can’t add anything to the pot–you’ve got it all already!

  54. Unless you count-

    “That’s the day we’re getting ‘lectricity put in so we don’t have to keep trekking out to th’ outhouse.”

    (Nobody’s said anything ’bout us not having electricity down here in MS.)

  55. *picks herself off the floor from where she fell after laughing so hard*
    I sincerely wish I could add to this list, but I’m afraid I don’t have any original ideas! I love the one about the package store over the state line. My great-grandmother used to buy brandy to make minced meat pies, and she’d assure the guy in the package store that she was buying it for COOKING and NOT drinking. I’m sure he cared! :-)

  56. Okay, could somebody pretty please refer to the War of Northern Aggression somehow in their excuse? It would make my day. Or week. ; )

  57. mommyoftwinboys06 says:

    ’cause I gotta take tha baby to welfare and gett’er wic. And ya’ll know how hard it is to take 11 young’uns anywheres!

  58. Lord have mercy, I think some of these bloggers are much more Southern than I deemed myself to be.

    I’m just going to grab me a glass of lemonade, sit back on this here porch swing and just soak in all this charmin’ Southern humor…

    Looks like you hit another vibe, Boomama, and I’m going to enjoy it all.

  59. Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    hafta see Sue Ann at the beauty shop to have mah hay-a frosted. See, tha Rattlesnake Festival is Satuhday in Opp, and I’ll need time to make some sweet tea to take with us.

  60. i guess i’m too close to the source (south arkansas). i can’t think of a single thing.

  61. Umm… I’m a Yankee so I’m a little confused as to what is going on here?? fried catfish on Wednesday at a church? mint juleps? Wesley Circle’s tea? Boomama you are a Southern educator if I’ve met one!! Love this!

  62. Landsakes, I haven’t laughed this hard in a ‘coon’s age! Here’s this Yankee girl’s lame attempt:

    Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because–

    I have that road trip with the Tallapoosa Chapter of the Daughters of the Confederacy. We’re headin’ up nawth so that we can whitewash the Mason-Dixon line–you know how I love community service.

    No, honey, just the West Virginia portion. Did you know that up until now, the line hasn’t actually been visible to the eye? Well, when the DotC found that out, we all knew we just had to do somethin’ about it.

    And, have mercy–I have to drive the Winnahbegah, because I can’t trust Mama at the wheel anymore, no–not since she started doctorin’ up her sweet tea of an afternoon. So you have a nice time without me, Sugar, and we’ll get together real soon!

  63. Oh, shoot, I wish I could but my cousin is fixin to come over and dig up some mint for her tea. I swear it’s taken up my whole yard!

    Dang it, I’d come but we’re havin’ the pastor over for a mess o’ greens, pink eyed peas, and cornbread for the new year so I gotta season my skillet.

    Oh sister, thank you for inviting me but I gotta help my deddy in the back yard trim the kudzo with a weed wacker.

    Whatchoo mean havin’ a wedding the day of the Alabama Auburn game? Are you crazy? Sorry. Can’t make it.

    Oh, honey, that’s the night the church is having the potluck celebratin’ our centenniel down at the depot. I hear Linda May is gonna be there and I can’t believe she’s gonna show her face after gettin’ knocked up with that Billy Dan Mason’s baby when he was still courtin’ Lureen. Some people outta have some shame. I’m just sayin’.

    Dang it if I can’t come cuz I gotta run out to the likker store to make a sugar tit for Emmy Jo’s newborn baby. That chil’ cries like a stuck pig and her legs get all drawed up when she howls. I swear her mama needs ta quit eatin baked beans afore she nurses the child. Bless her heart, my MeeMaw always said if you just sip on a Bud all day long and eat rich foods you’d have milk richer ‘n puddin’. But that’s just me talkin’.

  64. Oh my these are too funny!!! Clemntine, Brenda and Reformed Grits are my favs.
    Lorda mercy that last one about makin’ a sugar tit nearly made me wet my pants!
    I love the South!

  65. Ooooh, I just thought of another one. I do beg your pardon.

    I’m so sorry, Darlin’! But I promised my Mary Kay lady that I would host a Spring Fling Pedicure Party for her that afternoon. I simply cannot disappoint her. She was so good to Jefferson’s mother when she had her first stroke–do you know she went to the hospital every day for two weeks to do Mama Boyle’s face up? And she is sooo close to winning that Pink Cadillac! She really needs my help.

  66. Oh, how fun . . . I’m gonna take a stab at it now . . .

    Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because–

    -I’m plum wore out from cranking the home made ice cream for the WMU potluck.

    -I’ve gotta tie the onions up in my ol’ panny hose and hang ’em under the carport so they don’t go bad.

    -I’ve gotta take a peach cobbler to the funeral parlor because my Sunday School teacher’s cousin passed on.

    Thanks for the walk down memory lane!

  67. Martha actually has 4 Southernisms in her reply. NOWHERE else would someone be named Rubena!

  68. Oh honey, you should have checked the official calendar, you know, the fish and game calendar, before you planned your wedding. I just cannot come, honey. You know how Daddy and Bubba like me to be waiting at the camp with a hot lunch after a long day up in the stand? I just can not make it. You should have known better.
    Now be sure to take lots of pictures so I can come by your mamma’s and look at them. Oh and of your honeymoon too. Take lots of pictures. Oh and of your pignoirs too. I know you picked out some pretty ones!

  69. OK, this is for Sarah

    Darlin’, I just cannot make it to you Independance Day barbeque in Clinton. I simply can’t fathom celebrating anything on that day. You know, when I was a girl in Vicksburg, we never even gave a second thought to July 4th. The wounds were just too fresh from the siege during the War of Northern Agression. There is simply nothing, I mean nothing civil about that time in history. Those Yankees starved, I mean starved Vicksburgites during that time. They should have been shot. But the poor women and children couldn’t even defend themselves.You know, because they hadn’t eaten in months. What a pity. But thanks for asking honey.
    *It is at this point the young women walks off shaking her head wondering why, oh why she ever brought it up*

  70. This is in the line of Southern phrases, but off subject: My husband’s family had a friend come help them once a week to do housework, her name was Rodessa. Rodessa told this story, “I caught my boyfriend with another woman last night at the B’wana so I rutched down in my bosum, got my knife and staubed him.”
    No kidding!

    Their family helped Rodessa out until she died do to complications from diabetes.
    Holly
    Holly

  71. Oh, honey … bless your heart for askin’, but I really won’t be able to join you because I’ll be scrambling to bake a bleeding armadillo cake for Shelby’s wedding.

    Side note: Directions to said cake can be found here: http://baking.about.com/b/a/137259.htm (just in case anyone … you know … CARES.)

    How about this one:

    Sugar, that’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’ll be busy for the next few weeks gathering items for the Junior League’s annual Tag Sale.

    or …

    Sweetie, that’s so kind to offer, but I’m afraid I’ll be tied up baking for the local Red Hat Society’s bake-sale to raise money so that we can properly treat those pesky little worms eating at the town’s Magnolia tree. Why, it’s been there since my momma was a child!

  72. Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I promised my husband I’d help him put up some pickles.

    ;P

  73. I am laughing so hard, this made my day. My dad’s side of the family is from West Virginia and all still live in the deep south. I think it is wonderful, they crack me up. Here is one my aunt said to my mom many years back.

    Oh, Darlin, you are just sooo sweet, but I just can’t make it. The derbies next week and I promised sissy we would go to buy our big hats today. Darlin, you know it just aint fittin for a southern woman to attend the derby without a new proper hat.

  74. This is just too much!! I love it!! I’m from the south, but I don’t have anything to measure up to ya’ll.

    But my husband would say, Sorry, I can’t. Gotta go see a man about a mule!

  75. As a Southerner myself, I must say that I don’t envy your judgin’ friends one tiny bit. Everybody Southern knows that in any contest worth it’s salt, there are no losers, just contestants with a few more leftovers to take home than the others. And I’ve never had more fun reading comments to a post! I’d have to say, again as someone Southern, that every single one of these sounds like perfectly acceptable social excuses to me. And just you mentioning reading them while eating fried chicken made me want some. :)

  76. Honestly, this weekend I had to go see my cousin Shane get married. They got married outside his mother’s trailer in front of a sign that said “Dirty Hippy”. Shane married my cousin Nita’s brother’s ex-wife. The bride’s two son’s by one marriage walked her her to the preacher/biker to say their vows. Her pregnant daughter by another marriage was the maid/matron (was she married?)of honor. We ate boiled shrimp and ribs along with the wedding cake. I wore a dress and except for the bride was the best dressed one there. Oh, but you asked for southern not redneck. My apologies. But I have pictures if you don’t believe it’s true.

  77. After reading these great comments, I’ve learned that, as much as I’ve thought Virginia is in the South…it’s really not. That doesn’t make me a **** Yankee, does it?! ;p

  78. I love the Kut N Kurl, yes Winn Dixie is a real place, as well as the Pig (Piggly Wiggly). My favorite beauty shop however is an honest to goodness place here in Alabama “Kurl Up and Dye”.

    I love every minute of being Southern!

  79. LOL!! My mom has said similar things before. She can’t come visit because she is talking the ladies from my aunt’s senior apartment building grocery shopping. All seperate trips mind you. Some shop at different stores and others won’t go with others or they are all at different health stages (walking, breathing) and can’t go together. Hence all the seperate trips top the store(s). That is why Martha’s reply just seemed so natural to me. LOL! :o) Southern Canada

  80. Law! Can’t beat none of them gals! I give up!

    But I do just have to ask–did anybody mention havin’ to go to Lulu May’s fittin’ for her pageant dress–Seein’ how it is her last time to try for the crown–she has had her pretty lil head set on wearin’ that tiara since she was knee high, doncha ya know–but well, she is gettin’ little long in the tooth an all–I jus know she’s goin’ win, cause after all Marybeth Louise did get herself (well you know that story) anyway she can’t be in it this year–keep your fingers crossed for my lil Lulu May won’ cha, girl!

  81. BooMama,

    There is no way to top any of these comments. However, as a born-and-bred Alabamian (and the church said ROLL TIDE!!), I thought it would be appropriate to mention several words that were a part of the last conversation I had with my Grandmother. She lives near Auburn, in The Valley. Her name is Bobbie Sue.

    Here goes:
    The Piggly Wiggly, The Kroger, and The Wal-Mart (because there’s only one of each you know), The Fredonia Bar-B-Q, Hawaii (she pronounces it Ha-Wire-Ya), Her weekly hair appointment on Thursday with Sandra at the Beauty Shop, my Granddaddy’s new knees (he had knee-replacement in the last year), telling me that 70-year olds should not be required to figure out email, running down to Dot & Gertis’ house to get veggies from the garden because they had too many to can, and funny stories of different Easter when her kids were young.

    It was precious and priceless, and each of these comments remind me of that. I just love it!

  82. I have so loved this post, as a true Mississippi girl transplanted to Tennessee.
    I could read it all day long. ALL DAY LONG!!!

  83. Oh, it just makes me so sick that I’ll have to miss it, but I’m afraid that I have a touch of the vapors and am just not quite myself. I’m just gonna have me a little dinner of sweet milk and cornbread and take to my bed.

  84. Thank you, Polly. I am forever grateful. : )

  85. Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because–
    well, I just cain’t…

    Oh, there’s my California roots showing again, dog gone it:0)

  86. Stephanie says:

    These are too sweet. They remind me of my grammaw who was from Tennessee and raised me til I was 8. She actually had a widowed friend she drove around to Denny’s for breakfast and to the grocery store several times a week. I was deeply priveledged to be part of those trips. =)

    She would have declined by saying something like:

    Sorry doll, but me n’ Pap’s gotta husk some pole beans for supper on Sunday. Then I’m gonna have me a co-cola and a mallowpie while I watch m’ stories. I just gotta find out who shot JR!!

  87. I can’t even participate because none of your suggestions sound one bit odd to me! :)

    I’ve been in Colorado for six years now, and I gotta say – reading your blog is more like going home than actually going home. Thanks!

  88. Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I cain’t make it because I have *got* to take Ain’t Lorena’s brown divan to get re-upholstered after her Chihuahua, Prissy, had her last litter on it. She’s expecting the seniors from church next Wensdy for a 42 tournament. I don’t know why they didn’t disfellowship her when she left Clardis for that carpet layer. Anyway, if you ask me that upholstry is just fine. I mean, Lawzy, she cleaned it twiced. You know how she likes to put on airs, though.

  89. OK, well here’s my attempt. If they’re totally lame, then just remember that I only moved to Georgia a year and a half ago, from the SouthWEST!

    Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    … have GOT to get those buttons sewn onto your uncle Cleo’s uniform for the Civil war re-enactment over at Pickett’s Mill on Saturday. I don’t know why those old men insist on marching around that place every year with their silly hats and such!

    … need to make my famous ambrosia to carry to the potluck dinner up at the church t’morrow. Ruthie just raved about it at Christmastime, and that snarky Virginia tried to copy my recipe at Easter, but it just wasn’t the same, you know, without my secret ingredient! (It’s the coconut and the amaretto liqueur, my dear, but don’t you tell a soul!)

    … promised your Aunt Myrtle that I would put flowers on mother’s grave down at the church cemetery last week, and if she drives by there and sees that I haven’t done it yet, she’ll cut me into a million pieces and never speak to me again!

  90. Oh, Sugar, it’s so sweet of you to ask, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to join you because I…

    -have to make 250 gallons of funnel cakes batter for the Mule Day parade! You know I do that every year!

    -gonna run little Billy down by the drugstore and have Mr. Anthony rub his warts (sad, but true story).

    -gotta cook up a mess of greens and white beans for the add a dish on Sunday. You know good white beans and greens gotta be cooked ALL DAY!

  91. I would never dare enter the fray on this one, but for my two cents, Clemntine wins it.

  92. Southern as I am, I don’t think I could ever beat any of these, bless my heart :) Hilarious!

  93. lol at Clementine! I think she definitely gets it.

  94. P.S. This post brings back memories of some of my favorite quotes from Steel Magnolias (the contemporary be-all, end-all of southern women’s movies):

    “Clairie, you know I would rather walk on my lips than criticize anyone, but Janice Van Meener…” (as they watch an un-girdled large woman dancing at a wedding)… “looks like two pigs fighting under a blanket”.

    “Sweet Tea, it’s the house wine of the south!”

    “Boys, do not decorate your sister’s get-away car with rub-uhs (condoms). It’s tacky!”

    “M’Lynn, you just missed the chance of a lifetime. Half of chick-a-pin parrish would give their eye teeth to have a whack at Wheezer!”.

    :)