I knew that today was going to be what Sister calls a “humdingalinga” when I had to put Howard Alex in time out. At the pool. During his swimming lesson.
The specifics aren’t important, really – just typical four year-old antics – but when we got in the car a little bit later and started to talk about the difference between good choices and bad choices, Alex apologized and then informed me that we needed to pray.
Look for him at a tent revival near you when he’s, you know, seven. He’ll obviously be the one offering the invitation to the altar while “Just As I Am” plays in the background.
So we went to lunch, ran a couple of errands, stopped at Publix for some groceries (ground chuck for $1.99 a pound – HOLLA!) , then hurried back home before all the meat ruined in the 243 degree heat.
And clearly I’m exaggerating. Because it was actually only about 172 this afternoon.
The highlight of the day was without a doubt my return trip to the ENT. Who knew that two weeks of impaction-softening eardrops could pass by so quickly? Oh, it has been special season.
In all honesty I didn’t even mind the fact that I had a doctor’s appointment, because I knew that my doctor’s appointment guaranteed a certain span of time in which I would be all alone. Never you mind that the majority of that alone time would be spent with someone trying to pry impacted wax from my ear canal. I’ll take my quiet where I can get it, thankyouverymuch.
So after spending about forty five minutes reading back issues of Ladies’ Home Journal in the waiting room (heaven on earth, I tell you), I was escorted to an examination room, where, thanks to my doctor’s fancy audio set-up, I enjoyed the soothing sounds of Seal and TLC.
Remember, internets: don’t go chasing waterfalls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.
Sadly, the physician’s assistant came in the room and interrupted the moment of introspection I was sharing with T-Boz, Chili and Left Eye (God rest her soul). And after he took a look at my right ear his first words were, “So, have you REALLY been using your drops?”
I couldn’t help but feel that the news wasn’t good.
And I won’t go into too much detail because I realize that many of you have recently eaten supper, but he had to use, um, POINTY STEEL THINGS in order to remove the impaction. And then he had to CUT IT WITH SCISSORS because he couldn’t get it out of my ear.
You see, IT WAS TOO BIG TO COME OUT OF MY EAR IN ONE PIECE.
And that was just the right side, my friends.
Several days ago I told D. that there was no way I was looking at whatever came out of my ear, no way in this world, but when push came to shove I just couldn’t help it. Curiosity got the better of me, and not only did I look, I COULD NOT TURN AWAY FROM IT.
Some minutes later, when I finally regained my composure, I asked the PA how in the sam hill that THING ended up in my ear, and he said that it’s because I have unusually small ear canals.
It was a bittersweet moment, mainly because I have spent the better part of thirty years wishing that something, anything about me would be considered “unusually small.” I would love to have “unusually small” thighs, or “unusually small” upper arms, or “unusually small” stomach flab.
But instead, I have “unusually small” ear canals.
Needless to say, I am underwhelmed with delight.
The good news, however, is that I can now hear better than I have in years. I had to turn down the volume on my cell phone, and I’ve been fiddling with the volume on iTunes all night long lest the old settings shatter my eardrums. I’m even considering applying to the CIA as a covert human listening device.
I’m JUST LIKE the Bionic Woman, y’all. Or at least I would be if I actually had any bionic powers.
Unfortunately, it seems that the only superhuman power I have is to produce massively sized ear impactions.
And the demand for such a skill is understandably nonexistent.
This post was originally published on August 1, 2007.
oh my! that must have been painful!
You had me at waterfalls…I’m cracking up…
Oh, Dainty Flower…
I never comment, but today you nearly killed me!
Picture this, all my kids quietly sitting round me reading their school after lunch as I catch up on the web… and I start to shake and shudder, tears streaming down my face… thanks for the great laugh… all thanks to those unusually small ear canals!
Go well, with your newfound bionic hearing.
Our clinic waiting room has a sign that says if I’ve waited 20 minutes past my appt. time, I should let the receptionist know. Really? It’s like vacation. I mean, when I’m alone. I’m always hesitant to say anything when it’s just me. There are magazines to be read. No chocolate milk to be made. No fights to referee. It is delightful. Today however, when I take the 5 yr old for kindergarten shots (which I have been duly warned not to CALL kindergarten shots), I will not be so lax on those 20 minutes. It’s time to GO people.
I know that this post is over a year old, but my oh my, how I understand the “small” thoughts.
Thank you for this re-post. It was exactly what I needed today.
: )
CLASSIC boomama.
you have me in stitches.
[what does that phrase mean, anyway???]
Girl, you are too funny! I’m glad you can hear now. ;o)
Thanks for reposting this. This was too funny. You are a riot. I’ve had the impaction thing…not fun when they pull it out. Mine weren’t as bad as yours, but it is oh, so nice when they get them cleaned out. My son in law thought it was because I never clean my ears….that it not the reason ,thank you. Anyway..thanks for making me laugh today.
Somehow I missed this post the first time. I’m so glad you decided to repost it. Let me just tell you I totally understand what you mean about alone time. I actually look forward to the dentist and gyn if that tells you something. Oh and I have an unusually small urinary tract. You can just imagine all the fun that makes for me. And by fun that means excruciating pain every couple of months.
Wow. I threw up in my mouth a little.
Again.
So funny. Who knew my day could be made so great from ear wax?
“Remember, internets: don’t go chasing waterfalls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.”
CRACKED ME UP!! Oh, and the use of sam hill. Dadgumit, I laughed.
Oh, that is very funny. Although I’m sure it was an uncomfortable situation for you. I kept waiting for you to post a picture of the THING that came out of your ear.
I got excited that Publix had cheap good ground meat… :(
Glad you aren’t going through this ear thing now (and I’m more than glad that you didn’t post a picture…).
(I have sent you an email and I hope I’ll get a response, but I did read the disclaimer, and I will understand if I don’t.)
What a random comment post I have left…My kids would be proud of my randomness!
Absolutely hilarious…I’m sitting here at my desk dying laughing. I should stop laughing now though. I should at least be pretending that I’m working…
That is absolutely hilarious! You make me laugh every time I stop by and I too wish I could claim “unusually small” thighs!
Thanks for being so real!
You know, I would have to look at it too. I would be way too curious.
Congratulations on the great hearing.
that is hysterical- the writing, not the impacted ear wax….and…. is it sad or disgusting (or both?) that I was a little bit sad that a picture did not accompany the description?…….(yeah, I’m THAT girl.)
Meg
You make me laugh out loud! I LOVE your musings!:)
So…what did you do with the human ear-corks you made? I actually had this same thing happen to me a couple of years ago. When I went to the doctors about one ear being plugged, he checked both and told me that they both were impacted. “I beg to differ, doctor.” I said with a bit of prideful arrogance. But lo and behold he took out of my head something that I could have sworn was wearing a tophat and smoking a cigar!
I couldn’t believe how well I could hear after that. And, well, I even asked him if I could take them home to show my kids.
My boys were thrilled, my girls…not uh so much.
Blessings! Joanne
And I thought my husband had bad ears. That sounds very, very painful! If you’ve been taking your drop make him give you something else. I sure wouldn’t want you to go through that again.
So glad you’re all “back to normal”! Thanks for the laughs and the smiles tonight :)
When I turned 50 something I had a bone density test and was told I have the bones of a 30 year old….my eyesight equally youthful….. unfortunately….everything that “shows” isn’t doing so well….Pam, South Bend
I was going to have LASIK surgery, but I couldn’t because I have thin corneas. No other part of my body is thin, but my corneas are.
I am still laughing about Waterfalls! I would have had to look too. I almost wish in a really weird way that you would have posted a pic! Is that sick?!?!
LOL!! I have very small sinus passages, which result in numerous ear and sinus infections. Like you, it’s the ONLY thing on my body that is ususally small. I feel your pain girl, I feel your pain!!!!
Oh my gosh! I’m falling off my chair laughing:0) I’m in the same boat as you desparately wishing SOMETHING on me was small and wouldn’t you know. Small ears and small esphagaus. Who’s ever heard of a small esphagaus? My doctor actually said “I’m surprised you haven’t choked to death yet” Good grief!
Take Care,
Trixie
This is a laugh out loud and snort post (because I, too, am a dainty, fragile flower.)
You know, this blogging business is about friendships and relationships which are made stronger with details and pictures. Pictures, Sophie! You let us down on this one.
:0) I’m totally kidding.
But how would you like to take out the ENT’s trash everyday knowing what was in it? Now there is some food for thought.
How do you feel about it now?
I only ask because my SIL had to have her ears cleaned out, and now, on the rare occasion it comes up – well, actually it comes up more often than one might think – she gets kind of a wistful, far away look in her eye and then says, “It actually felt kinda good.”
Oh, this just made me laugh out loud. And sad as it is, I’ve actually saved some of the monstrosities that I’ve flushed out of our kids ears to show my hubby.
Sad, but true. :)
And thanks for the TLC reminder. hee hee