I don’t know who we need to thank for the fact that The Bachelorette is two hours long this season, but clearly the person who made that programming decision is about twenty-two kinds of brilliant. I’m telling you: a mere hour cannot contain all the Bachelorette goodness.
Tonight we found out right off the bat that there are going to be two individual dates and one group date. Now I’m no mathematician, but I’m pretty sure that means that you have three dates spread among sixteen guys, so those individual dates offer a HUGE advantage. Ed was the first guy picked for an individual date, and I was tickled because Melanie and I have said from the very beginning that he seemed like the best “normal guy” pick for Jillian.
HOWEVER.
Jillian very nearly ruined my happy anticipation of their date when she said, “I want him and I just to be alone.”
PEOPLE. WHAT IS SO TERRIBLY DIFFICULT ABOUT CORRECT PRONOUN USAGE? DIDN’T WE COVER THIS IN THE EIGHTH GRADE? DO I NEED TO MAKE SOME CHARTS AND SEND THEM TO ABC?
Fortunately, my pronoun disappointment was tempered by the fact that the producers broke out the first official Soaring Ballad of the season to accompany Jillian and Ed’s helicopter ride. I’ve watched enough of these things to know that a Soaring Ballad means things are going to go SUPER WELL for Ed. They don’t waste that music on guys who are headed home.
In typical first date fashion, Ed and Jillian followed up their helicopter ride with some sort of urban rappelling (PUN ALERT: “In order to fall in love, you have to take A LEAP OF FAITH”), and then they went swimming. Ed wore his belt. Something tells me he’s a bit preppy.
At the end of their date Jillian and Ed (do you think they’d mind if I call them Jed?) had dinner on top of a rooftop, and there was much chemistry between them. In fact, I haven’t seen a TV couple with so much chemistry since, well, Jason and Melissa on last season’s Bachelor. So based on how all of that worked out: LOOK OUT, JED!
To absolutely no one’s surprise, Jillian gave Ed a rose. And I would like to go on the record right here and now – on June 1, 2009 – with the following bold prediction: “Ed. FINAL TWO. The end.”
The next date was a group date with 11 – ELEVEN – guys, and I really don’t think I can re-cap what happened because just thinking about spending time with eleven other people at once and trying to talk to each one of them equally made me shiver. Those guys were jammed into their limo like sardines, and IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH, when I saw that they were going to be filming “scenes” for a “movie,” I had to bury my head in my hands because all I could think of was Jason’s “General Hospital” date debacle and why, why would the producers subject us to that level of awkward again, WHY?
Seriously, y’all. It was physically painful. I had to fast forward through parts of it. And when Wes used his corny line that went something like, “Now I can’t have you cheating on me, little lady,” I felt an overwhelming urge to stand up and make a snide remark about that denim duster coat he was wearing. But I didn’t because I am far too mature for such things, as evidenced by the fact that I am sitting in my house on a Monday night and blogging about a reality television show where grown men perform in skits in order to woo a woman they’ve known for less than a week.
After they “filmed” their “scenes,” everybody went to a place downtown for some cocktails. Juan wouldn’t stop touching Jillian, and then Tanner P started in on the feet stuff again. And speaking of that, do you know what’s sort of funny about Tanner P’s obsession with Jillian’s feet?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
Anyway, Jillian gave the group date rose to Robby, and I bet you a dollar to a donut that when he got back to the bunkhouse he made a Robsmo to celebrate.
The next individual date went to Sasha, who made my whole week when he said the following: “I always refer to myself as a wolf, because most people sort of follow and stay in line but I’m always looking for that mythical unicorn.”
Anybody have any idea at all what that means?
Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?
Jillian and Sasha went to an automotive museum and looked at cars and took pictures of each other? Because that’s fun? And comfortable? Then they got to drive a Ferrari and afterwards they ate dinner next to some old cars. It was also the first date in Bachelor history where unicorns were mentioned FOUR TIMES for no discernible reason.
Bueller?
Sadly, Jillian didn’t give Sasha a rose. Nor did she give him that “mythical unicorn.”
And, as we all know, the “mythical unicorn” is vastly different and far more valuable than all the real-live unicorns that roam freely among us.
After the date Wes took it upon himself to walk up to the mansion and hope someone in the music industry was watching the show serenade Jillian. It would have been really sweet if it hadn’t been one of the most shamefully cheesy moments I’ve ever witnessed.
The rose ceremony got a little tense because David, who didn’t have a date this week, finally got a chance to talk to Jillian but was interrupted five minutes later by Juan. Juan apparently wanted to sit down and chat with Jillian about her wardrobe choices while he used a tone of voice that was so gentle and soft that it frightened me. Maybe it’s just that he remembered way too much about Jillian’s clothes. Maybe it’s because he said “a hoodie and some sweats” twice in one minute. Maybe it’s because he was trying WAAAAAY too hard. But OH, the awkward, it was palpable.
There was some drama between David and Juan (David thinks Juan is fake and aloof; Juan claims he is only there for Jillian). Then Jillian talked to Chris in the Chamber of Headshots, and she gave roses to everybody you’d expect (even Tanner P, whose foot ishahs don’t seem to bother her a bit). Juan and David both got roses, which wasn’t shocking at all since there’s still some quality dramatic TV to be had between those two in them thar Bachelorette hills. We had to bid farewell to Tanner F and Brad, both of whom were disappointed that Jillian can’t seem to see through the guys that they perceive as insincere.
I for one cannot imagine that anyone who signs up for a reality television dating show would have anything other than the noblest and purest intentions.
And, of course, a hankerin’ for some mythical unicorns.
brilliant! i’m not sure what i look forward to more – the show, or your re-cap!
prediction: a two-on-one date with david & juan. they can’t NOT do it. it’s just too choice!
Oh, I am sad to admit this in the bloggy kingdom: I’ve never seen this show. But, Boo, your post today makes me want to jump into the deep end and claim it for one of summer’s guilty pleasures. I’m thinking there should be a “Bachelor/Bachelorette” series that draws from a crowd of eliminated Idols and Dancing with the Stars runner-ups. That would be viewing perfection.
Hokey Pete and My ‘Lanta! That is all I can say about last night. And the whole David and Jaun thing….Lord help us all.
I decided not to watch after Jason, but will read your recap and enjoy from afar/ha
Seriously…I don’t even watch this show, but I love your weekly recaps. :)
Oh Lawsy! When Tanner P. put on those leopard, fur chaps and vest that were too tight… it made me laugh so hard I woke my husband up in the next room. If I did not have such great bladder control I may have had an accident laughed so hard. Good thing I have great control. Ahem.
I thought about you, and the movie set where she kisses 10 guys on the lips in a row and it was all kinds of creepy. What is she thinking? I agree with your Ed prediction. Mostly I want you to have a recap party on Monday night and I want to come and watch DVR with you and laugh at the puns. The hokey music. The contrived dates that make me squirm. The premature kissing. Yuck!
I completely missed the 1st hour so therefore I missed all the unicorn talk.
I’m so sad. I could have had a field day with that!!!!!! Poor guy.
And, for the record I almost threw up watching Tanner P and all his foot talk.
Time to go dude.
Thank you for introducing me to the “soaring ballad.” Okay, I’m loving Ed for Jillian. He kind of reminds me of Jeffrey Dean Morgan. And didn’t you think the date with Sasha had gone really well? I was so surprised she sent him home and kept some major bozos.
Okay I didn’t watch it but when I read your quote I thought, “Surely she didn’t say that…doesn’t she know that isn’t correct?” Ha! Yeah that’s pretty sad–but haven’t you noticed that kids (we work with youth at church,) don’t know the rules like we had to know them? It’s so sad!
Hilarious. I, too, am bothered by the grammatical errors……and the awful, just awful voice of country singer boy……
Great re-cap! I love Ed, he and Reid are my favorites so far.
Well said! I am so glad that I do not have to watch the show now. That bit about the unicorns gave me flashbacks to someone named Coach.
I cannot stand David. I really liked him the first episode, but now with his constant raging about Juan’s intentions, and his aggressive assertion that “he (Dave) might not be right for Jillian, but he knows that Juan is NOT,” as his left eye blinks independently of his right eye, is driving me crazy. He seems so violent and possessive and he’s had all of 5 minutes with the girl.
Yes, I realize it’s edited for our viewing pleasure… but as a woman who has been in an abusive relationship in the past with a guy who’s personality was like David’s, having to control, dominate and always-be-right, I can’t help wanting to shout at the TV, “RUN, JILLIAN, RUN!!”
As for Tanner – I cringe every time he says anything about wanting to suck her toes. And that little clip they showed with him puckering up and kissing her imaginary toes was incredibly gross. Please make him go away.
And where is Jake? What happened to him? I loved Jake.
I also had to fast forward through much of the western movie making. My gosh that was uncomfortable. And poor Brad, he was just so sure that he looked hot. Not so much.
Crazy Dave has a wonky eye lid.
I AGREE ABOUT ED. First of all, he looks like Denny Duquette from Grey’s Anatomy. Secondly, I also noticed the soaring music. Thirdly, he seems pretty normal!
Do you read Chris Harrison’s blog?
Great recap!
I thought the serenade was cheesy too, and I don’t like Wes for that reason. I think he’s there to get “recognized”, just like you said. Crossed out. Whatever.
I love Ed!!! And Reid…and a couple more, whose names have left me. I really like Ed. He looks like a little boy to me, and maybe that’s what endears him to me. Great episode, and 2 hours!!! Woohoo!!
I love your recaps just as much as the show! And yes, I cringed at the bad grammar, too. (Actually, I thought of you when she said it!! Proof that your posts are educatin’ us on English ;)
You make the show so enjoyable! I don’t watch it, but I just die laughing reading your post each week.
This weeks was great! The unicorn stuff…..dang I’m sorry I missed it!
Have a great week!
The minute Sasha said the whole wolf/unicorn line I knew it would be your title today! I couldn’t love it anymore than I already do!
Boomama, I just love your recaps! I’ve been reading for a few months now, but I’ve never commented. You are cracking me up! I missed the first hour so I have no idea who Ed is… I am thinking Kiptyn is also a final 2 possibility?
For the finale, the happy couple watches a wonderful performance of “The King And Me.”
;>)
This alone – “Fortunately, my pronoun disappointment was tempered by the fact that the producers broke out the first official Soaring Ballad of the season to accompany Jillian and Ed’s helicopter ride.”–MADE.MY.DAY!
Ha! Ha!
I swore I wouldn’t watch after Jason’s season (I’m still tore up about how big of a jerk he is, by the way!). But your recap this week made me wish I hadn’t stopped watching. And for the record, I laughed out loud when you called them Jed!
I think you should post one week live via webcam so we feel like we’re watching it with you! I would SO tune in! :D
I LOVE Ed. Really liked Reid too. Oh, and that poor Mark who got yelled at by Dave for no good reason. And yes, the mythical unicorn thing was CRAZY. Glad he got the boot, he deserved it for talking like that.
I can’t even describe how creepy Tanner P is and Jillian is creepy if she’s not bothered by his weirdness.
Also, may I please have one dollar for every time in the history of the show the phrase “for the right reasons” has been used? I’m going to let you keep all the dollars for “her and I” and “him and I” because I enjoy your recap so much.
:)
BooMama, you and I are like one brain in two bodies when it comes to The Bachelorette. I also posted a blog entry after last nights episode (http://everydayflotsamandjetsam.blogspot.com/2009/06/because-really-arent-we-all-just.html). How on earth is Jillian not creeped out by the feet guy!?!
I agree with your Ed prediction. She so needs to rid herself of Dave but I think the producers have talked her into keeping him for at least one more week – his ‘roid rages make for good ratings. Ditto for the creepy foot fetish guy.
Oh, Brad…you did not get a rose. Bless your heart. Please step out of denial-land and accept your gayness. Seriously, the kiss you gave Jill while acting – like you were kissing a fish. Again, Bless your heart!
And note to Sasha – next time you are going on a date. DO NOT make yourself some magic mushroom tea before hand!
Okay, I’m going to preface this with saying, maybe I’m getting a little too into this whole Bachelorette thing. I filled my husband’s ear for about 30 minutes this morning… I got pretty heated about it too.
Here’s the thing: I don’t think I like Jillian. I WANT to like Jillian, because she’s Canadian and from BC, and I’m Canadian and from BC but I just. don’t.
I just think she has supremely bad judgement and taste. Case in point: she has kept Juan, Wes (huh?), Tanner “Foot Perv” P. AND Dave (whose head is about to explode ANY MOMENT)… And she gets rid of Sasha because he’s choosy about who he goes out with and falls in love with? How does that make ANY sense???
For my money, I’d go for Kiptyn and Jake (but I freely admit I have a thing for cute pilots).
BTW, the best line of the night (apart from the unicorn line) was in next week’s previews, when she shows a smidgeon of good judgement and rejects Dave’s attempt at a kiss, saying (get this) “I’m not that kind of girl”. She’s NOT that kind of girl? She’s kissed every other guy in the bunkhouse, no? Jillian, honey, you are exactly that kind of girl.
I tried to watch the first episode, and I just couldn’t do it, but I will faithfully read your recaps…I love ’em. I also wholeheartedly support your campaign for correct pronoun usage.
Well said!… love it!.. What more could you ask for on a Monday night? I can’t wait to hear your recap next Tuesday!
I am with you on Ed. He’s a keeper. I have to say though, I was a bit squeamish when Tanner P kept going on and on and on and on and on about sucking her toes. The hand motions and then he said, “I am just here to suck some toes.” Say what?!?@#!?
I think him and that craZy girl from the Bachelor last season (can’t remember her name because I have chosen to block it out from my memory) that was so obsessed with Jason, the one that got sick in the bathroom… anyhoo her and Tanner P would be a cute couple dontcha think??
I have never commented before, but always read your recaps and laugh so hard I almost pee my pants. You’re hilarious.
David has GOT. TO. GO! I think he has ‘roid rage coupled with an alcohol problem. Those two things don’t really go well together. He was slurring his words, his eyes were red as could be, and then he fell over as Jillian was giving him the rose. He was DRUNK…no wonder he was acting a fool! I mean I don’t like Juan either, but holy cow man!
My prediction is Ed and Jake. I lovey Jakey.
I really hope Dave goes home before somebody ends up in the hospital. As for Juan, is it just me or is he just a touch too metrosexual! My husband probably couldn’t tell you what I was wearing a few minutes after I left the room let alone give a three week long “laundry list”. Other than that, I think he seems very nice–I don’t see how not drinking to excess could be a bad thing… but I’m not hopped up on testosterone and booze!
Ed is definitely my favorite, you are right – he seems the most normal. I also like Reid, Jake, and Jesse (even though we didn’t see much of Jake or Jesse this week). I don’t know if Juan is as fake as David exclaimed, but I do know that he creeps me out.
My FINAL FOUR picks: Kiptyn, Jake, Ed, and Juan! I really like Reid but so far I’m not sure what’s the ‘what’ between them.
Loved your recap!
What a HILARIOUS and right on recap of the bachelorette! I also immediately thought back to General Hospital when I saw they were going to be doing a western movie. I guess Jillian wanted to see how all 11 guys kissed! I had to change the channel a couple of times because I couldn’t keep watching. I love Ed and I think you are right that he will be in the final two. I also like Kiptyn though! I can’t handle Tanner with his foot fetish! When said he wanted to suck her toes I wanted to gag! Yuck! So far this has been a good bachelorette! I just hope for a better ending than the last one!:)
Ok. Loved what you had to say. I agree with the whole Ed thing. I love him, when they were together it seemed real. Not fake reality show dating. But real. *thumbs up*
Ok will no on else mention the sexual heat between Kiptyn and her? I swear you could choke on the tension it was so strong. I just have a HUGE GREAT AMAZING feeling about him… we shall see.
And jake…ohh beautiful jake.
I don’t watch this show never have probably never will but enjoy your recaps immensely and they are all I need reality TV wise.
Thank you for filling in when my DVR failed me. My DVR would NOT be receiving a rose from me were it and I both on a reality dating show together misusing pronouns with each other.
I can’t believe Tanner the Foot Guy is still around. Creepsville.
Ah yeah, I have sucked my husband in to watching this with me! Unfortunately we have to wait until Tuesday night when it’s on the ‘net (and he’s home from work) but it’s so worth it! I even waited to read your post so it wouldn’t spoil it!
I am totally freaked out by Tanner P and his foot thing. I think the only reason that Jillian isn’t is because she doesn’t get to see all the times he’s talking to the camera. Does he realize that all of America is laughing at him???
Dave, scary. Needs to go. I really don’t understand why she kept him.
Juan, slimy. I thought I liked him at first (I have a thing for sexy latinos), but now I kind of think he’s just going for the “win” and doesn’t really care about her. He might not know what it really means to care for someone? Just a guess.
I was so relieved to see Brad go. He was just too desperate!
And I’m still voting for Jake. Gotta agree with one of the other commenters. Love the pilot! ;) He’s handsome too!
Oh yeah, and Wes needs to go to. He just seems to fake. Sorry, I think I agree with the guys on his motivations… otherwise why would we only get to hear the first line of his song… about 3 or 12 times!
I just want you to know that you are the most hillarious person I know. Kinda know at least. I didn’t see this show but I loved her with whoever the guy was that she was with for the Martina McBride episode. I liked him for her.
Jennifer
Oh, I just howled when I read the title of this post! Hubs and I had to rewind the DVR because we could NOT follow the sheep/wolf/unicorn stuff and after listening again, we still did not follow. And leaving on a BUS! That’s just a riot! I agree with a lot of the comments (VERY funny “wonky eyelid”, I died)! Dave, Wes, Juan – got to go! Robsmo? Tanner P. and his imitation of Wes, however, was FUNNY! By the way, I am having American Idol withdrawal symptoms. I need another show. Suggestions?
I think I’m more excited for your recaps then the new season ;)
I don’t watch the Bachelorette, but I can tell me and you feel the same about pronoun usage. ;)
I had it on the DVR and watched it last night.
Agreed on all fronts. The foot thing is getting out of control. At least all the foot fetish women in the country will know who their perfect match is once he gets kicked off (because honestly, he can’t be around much longer).
And to Sasha and Jillian’s commentary, all I have to offer is this tshirt: http://www.amazon.com/Rainbow-Unicorn-T-Shirt-Cotton-X-Large/dp/B001CSPE32/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=apparel&qid=1244051250&sr=8-1
Okay, yes, Wes was cheesy, but you have to admit that Ryan of the Trista and Ryan season was just as bad with all of those poems he kept writing for/about Trista. And look at them now! 2 babies and actually still married…
why did you not mention the slooooooooooowest most awkwardest zipline/rescue attempt EVAR?! it’s like that the old disneyland skyway baskets that look scary since they’re so high up but are ridiculously boring. it is not enough to mention rappelling in passing. it makes it sound like a fun adventure, not a slow agonizing descent into… a pool of water? Um alright.
PS – Team Jake!
Nevermind. Chris Harrison’s blog mentions the slow zip line. I have been validated. Carry on.