A couple of weeks ago when I went to the dermatologist for the Mystery Thing on my leg, the doctor took one look at my fair skin and said, “Oh, we need to do a complete skin check on you. When can you come back for that?” And while what I wanted to say is “Why, why would I do that, WHY, this is just one more opportunity for me to worry about whether or not I HAVE THE SKIN CANCER,” I did the grown-up thing and made an appointment and then stuck my fingers in my ears and sang “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA” while I waited for the office manager to fill out the appointment card.
Remember: maturity is critical when dealing with medical matters.
So Monday morning I went back to the dermatologist for my skin check, and much to my surprise, I really wasn’t that nervous. I hadn’t seen anything on my skin that struck me as a cause for alarm, and given that I can recite the warning signs for skin cancer from memory (A – Asymmetry! B – Irregular Borders! C – Change in Color! D – Diameter!), I felt like we’d eliminated the greatest threat when the doctor removed the keratosis / barnacle / let’s-never-speak-of-it-again thing back in June.
Well.
The nurse called me back to a room, asked me a few questions and told me the doctor would be in to see me in just a few minutes. I passed the time by reading a brochure for some new product that’s supposed to make your eyelashes grow longer. I guess that since everything is going just SWIMMINGLY in the world these days, somebody in a pharmaceutical lab thought it would be a great idea to cook up a formula to EXTEND PEOPLE’S EYELASHES.
Americans: Tackling The Real Problems. Like Our Eyelashes.
(And please know that in the midst of all my judge-y indignation about the eyelash extension product, I realized that if somebody sent me a free sample, I WOULD TOTALLY TRY IT, so maybe what I really needed to do was to hop off of my soapbox and look in the mirror and realize that on some level I’M PART OF THE PROBLEM, THANK YOU.)
Anyway, the doctor came in, looked at my leg to see how it’s healing, and as she answered a couple of my questions, she started looking at my legs and arms for any of the aforementioned ABCD warning signs. We were making small talk, having a fine time, and as she walked around me to check my back, she took a look at my left shoulder and I KID YOU NOT this is what she said:
“OH MY GOODNESS! THAT has to come off! You’ve got some crazy colors and irregular borders going on back here!”
And all I could do was scream inside my head: “SHE JUST MENTIONED TWO OF THE FOUR WARNING SIGNS! SHE JUST MENTIONED TWO OF THE FOUR WARNING SIGNS!”
By the time it was all said and done, she circled three places on my back (I felt like I was on an episode of Dr. 90210, only without the elective plastic surgery and the doctor wearing sleeveless scrubs), numbed them, then CUT THEM OFF AND PLACED THEM GENTLY ON A NAPKIN so that she could send them off for biopsy. She told me it would probably be the end of the week before they got the results, but in the meantime, just keep some antibiotic ointment on the places on your back! And call if you have any questions! And have a great week!
Clearly this sweet doctor isn’t yet my familiar with my ability to turn even the most routine medical procedure into a life-threatening illness. She’ll learn.
I won’t bore you with the part about how I drove home and was sick with worry and pretty much sat around for the rest of the day watching HGTV and trying not to think about all the what-ifs. I talked and texted with a few friends, and they were very sweet and encouraging and all-around wonderful. But still. You just worry, you know? You try not to. But you do.
Long story endless: yesterday afternoon the doctor’s office called. They got the results back sooner than they expected (thank you, Lord), and everything is fine. The place on my shoulder definitely needed to come off, though – it was dysplastic and didn’t need to hang around. I don’t think I would have ever noticed it if the doctor hadn’t found it. Which is to say: GET YOUR SKIN CHECKED, PEOPLE.
Also: Tuesday I went to the ENT and he fixed my ears and made ’em all happy-like and prescribed some ear drops for me to use for the next seven days.
BECAUSE I AM NINETY.
In conclusion comma I hope every single one of you will go to your doctor for a skin cancer screening because you’ll feel so much better once you do and you know for sure that everything is A-OK.
Even if if means you leave the doctor’s office with three Band-Aids on your back and your suspicious moles laying on a napkin.
Love,
Mamaw
I haven’t been brave enough for the skin test yet although I am a prime candidate growing up in a tropical world and have a lot of sunburns….Now sciatica I do know something about…..
Glad to hear you got a clean bill of health.
Seeing as how I’m morphing into one big mole, however, all the worrying has shifted my way. Do you think my doctor’s office is open at 5:45 a.m.?
Looking forward the the sciatica chat…
:)
Oh my goodness, totally there with you. Got two moles off my tummy—of all places. When did I ever show my tummy to the sun in the last 20 years…. like not since I was 18. Anyway, the one on the left of the tummy is dysplasic and had spread out pretty far, so I have to go back when the scab falls off and have a big circle around it and down in to the muscle taken off….. Like how far down is your muscle in to your tummy and can they do a tuck while they are there? Anyway, glad yours ended up okay.
The title of this post caught my eye since I’m on my way to the hospital to get labor induced. Sciatica has been my friend lo these many months and I am ready to say goodbye to him. Very glad to hear that you are alriight!
OK, I’m sorry for the scare, but this made me laugh out loud- you are so stinkin’ funny, even when dealing with life threatening matters.
I share your ability to imagine imminent (or is it eminent?? too laxy to check right now- sorry!) death on any given day, and in fact spent half an hour at the grocery store chatting with a friend about the unusual rash on my arms.
Thanks for reminding people to take skin cancer seriously! About 7 years ago, I discovered that I had melanoma. The strange thing was that I don’t seem to fall into the typical risk categories, and my mole did not have one of the ABCD symptoms. However, it was E – Evolving! Get to know your own skin, ladies, and if anything seems suspicious, get it checked out. I’m so glad I did!
When you signed “Love, Mamaw” I laughed so hard that my coffee came out my nose. Maybe one day I’ll learn not to drink while reading your funniness.
So glad you don’t have The Skin Cancer.
I know that I should go for mole patrol. The mole I had removed about 7 years ago? I had an in-office removal at the regular doctor’s office. He ended up scooping out only the middle section, so he turned my one mole into two. Sexy I tell you. She’s quite a looker. So much so, that I need to have that whole hunk removed to fix what he did. Oh, caution the internets that a dermatologist would be preferred.
I’m so glad that everything worked out okay for you!
I go next week. Because Web MD is a scary place.
My full body screening (OMG, full body) is scheduled for Oct. the same day I am having a chemical peel. No I am not vain at all. As for sciatica, I have an exercise for that!
Thanks for the smiles this morning.
I go tomorrow! But I want to thank you and Melanie (and the countless other signs in the last 2 weeks on TV and in magazines) for giving me the kick in the pants to go back for another mole check.
Glad all is OK. : )
I had melanoma on my face a couple of years ago at the age of 32. A very scary situation. Praise God I went to the md before it spread to my organs! I now have a three-inch scar across my cheek but it is worth it to still be able to be momma to three little boys.
Dear Mamaw! I love this post. Glad everything turned out great!!! Love, Another Mamaw ;)
Dear Mamaw –
Thanks for sharing about your recent “doctoring”. Any chance that after you discuss sciatica, you can enlighten us about THE DIE-A-BEE-TEES?
Seriously – I’m glad you are A-OK. Thank you for being so dang funny
YOu are so funny. You take even the most non-fun event like mole patrols and make it funny. I had a couple of moles removed a few years ago and one was pre-cancerous and on the upper part of my boob. You can bet my mind ran away with that one!
Okay, um, now I’m skeerd.
My uncle (a plastic surgeon) pointed out a mole on my back to my husband, while we were at their lake house, and told us to have it checked out. “Oh, okay” we both said, fully intending to go home and immediately look up a dermo for to check it out.
Then, THREE YEARS LATER, my mom sees my mole on our trip to the beach, and says, “Honey, you have a mole that looks irregular to me. When I come in two weeks, I’ll keep the kids for you so you can go to the dermotologist and get it checked out.” And I was all, “that thing’s been there for 5 years or more and do you know how hard it is to get an appointment in this town inside of two weeks?” And also I must go to the spa when you’re here, so I don’t see how that will work out.
AND NOW I’M SKEERD! I’m not even gonna call, I’m gonna just show up and bust my way in to an appointment and sing “It Is Well With My Mole” for reassurance while I wait for them to call me in.
Thanks for kickin’ my butt into gear. My mother thanks you too!
My grandmother always said, when you start talking about your bowel movements, we’ll know you’re old. Hopefully you’re not there yet.
I hate going. I hate going. I really hate going. I haven’t been in a couple of years and don’t want to but I will make the appointment after I make the appointment for the dog to get her ears checked. ;)
It’s something all the time around here.
Love ya bunches. Glad your sweet self is ok.
“Americans: Tackling The Real Problems. Like Our Eyelashes.”
Priceless and totally hillarious.
Alright, if this isn’t divine intervention, I don’t know what is. I have been worried about a spot on my shoulder for 2 weeks now. I will schedule my appointment today. Between you and Izzie Stevens, I guess God has made his point that my sun-worshiping days weren’t such a good idea after all!
I’m so glad everything was fine. Now, maybe you should get that free trial of the eyelash extensions to sooth the trauma from all the worry! Are you doing Me, Myself and Lies? Doesn’t the worry just consume us sometimes? All the what-if scenarios that never come to fruition.
Thanks Maw-Maw! ;D
I just read about this in a magazine and have been beside myself as well over many moles on my body.
My mother had large moles on her face that we used to call raisins. She eventually had them removed when my oldest sister pointed out that they were indeed growing. She had dreams of having melanoma cancer. EEEKK! She got an all clear, though.
HOW-EV-ER, I have been doing the same thing as you! I’ve been analyzing every single thing on my body, thinking I’m seeing some irregularities in the shape and or color of certain moles.
HEAVY sigh. I suppose it’s time to get them checked out.
Surely this is a sign from the heavens that you wrote this post. ;D
Ew. On a napkin? Gross.
ok. the only comment i ever leave for you is how stinking hysterical you are, but i can’t help it. here i go again…
i laughed out loud at least 3 times reading this. then about died when you signed it mamaw. hilarious. thank you. :)
i consider it a plus that i finish off one of your blog posts with a snort.
THIS post? the closing of “love, mamaw,” caused today’s snort.
I’ve been meaning to write you and tell you I got that itchy mole on my back all checked out — thanks to you. I got a lecture about taking my vitamins while I was there, but she gave me the once over, re: my skin, that is, and said I just have “barnacles.” Lots of them. Guess that’s the hip-new term. Thanks for your encouragement! (And the guffaws!)
Praying for you, Toots.
my dad died at age 54 from melanomia.
I use to go to dermatologist all the time.
I had been having my family Dr. check my skin. Thanks for the reminder, my husband and I both have fair skin and need to be checked.
Wonderful post.
I am cracking up about this whole thing. I am a total overthinker/anxiety laden/ worrier. I am so glad that you are okay, I would have been worried sick too.
The love, Mamaw was hilarious. =)
Soph,
I love this post! I had a flat flesh mole that decided to grow on my left temple and it totally grossed. me. out. It started itching and I freaked (as I’m sure you would have too), and went to the dermatologist. And then she made me take off all my clothes when I only wanted a mole taken on my forehead. AllI’mSayin’ is, to quote Michael, “You are not alone”. Here’s the link to my traumatic visit post:
http://www.delightfullycliche.com/2009/05/can-you-take-it-all-off.html
Glad all is well. I have been meaning to do this for about a year. I’ll start looking today. Thanks!
Dear Mamaw
So glad you’re still alive to tell the story.
Hang in there.
And drink your prune juice….or else you know……
:)
Does age matter in this? Is it one of those “Go every three years once you turn 30 and then every year from 40 on?” Or do I just need to go? You’ve got me scanning my skin suspiciously.
Annual checks are the only way to go. I can’t tell you how much more at peace I feel when I’m in the Congo applying SPF 70 twice a day and still getting burned and something funky pops up. I usually just think, “Oh, well, they’ll look at that at my annual checkup.” And they do and it’s fine and another year goes by.
I’m so glad you’re okay. Don’t forget – a shot-glass of sunscreen every time.
I can totally relate to this post. I had to have a mole removed off of my arm, AND my “hip” I say hip when it was really my, um, you know, let’s just say that I wasn’t able to sit down for a week. :-)
Last year at my routine dermatology appt the doctor circled 3 spots on my back, and just about a month ago she removed one of them. It freaked me out having to wait for the results which were fine.
Better safe than sorry!
Love the part about turning it into something life threatening. I may or may not, have been guilty of that myself.
Hey, I cannot believe that you have not mentioned Ed coming back!!!! I was so overcome with joy and knew you would be, too!
I am glad that you are okay!!
First of all…LOVE your blog and read you everyday!
My almost 10 year old daughter had a dysplastic mole removed from her inner thigh recently. She had her stitches removed yesterday. She was too young to know to freak out about it, but I did enough freaking out for both of us! Your post was hilarious, and I’m so glad that you aren’t dying after all…I’d hate not reading your blog every day!
You kill me, 90 year old Mamaw! That made me laugh so hard at 6:45 this morning!
I am definitely glad you and your moles were ok. :)
Girl, thank you for your post! YOU ROCK! I am sorry you have gone through all those biopsies. I admit it it nice to know I am not alone! I’ve had 3 and 1 was dysplastic, the other basal cell. I go in for Moh’s surgery tomorrow and although not excited about it, have a supernatural peace that God is in control! Thank you for warning others!!! Scars are always better than being in a pine box! ;-) I never had the body for a modeling career or pole dancing anyway! LOL! Take Care!
Panic coursed through my body as I read about your left shoulder “spot” the doctor was checking. I have a little spot on my left shoulder that “feels” odd… I do need to go visit my doctor this summer for my yearly physical so I guess I’ll have to point that out to her. I’m so glad your spot was nothing!
oh I’m so glad it turned out ok!
Dear Mamaw,
Thank you for your post. As others have said, you are hysterical!!
I completely relate to the anxiety-while-waiting-for-results, as I recently went for my first… um… appointment with the apparatus that looks and feels like a panini press. And I’ve been called back for a re-check on the right side… “nothing to worry about, there’s just an area we need to look at with higher magnification.”
Yeah, OK, nothing to worry about. Gotcha.
Mamaw, I’m so glad that everything turned out OK. I do the same as you….I usually have myself so worked up over something, worrying about it.
I have an appointment with my derm doc on the 21st of this month. I go regularly having appts. every 3-4 months. Almost 5 years ago, I was going with my daughter who was being treated for acne. While we were there one time, I made some wise-crack wondering if he could “perform a miracle on my old-age spots on my face”. He immediately had me up on the table checking my spots with his special lenses. In short, my “spots” were pre-cancerous-something-or-anothers. Not funny.
I’ve had 4 others removed that were pre-cancerous and several others that were not. Ever since that first scare, I have never left the house without my Elizabeth Arden Plump Perfect SPF 30 Moisturizer on my face. I use a SPF 50 everywhere else.
Please take comfort in knowing that you have friends who not only feel older like you do, but are also a chicken. That must be where the term “Old Buzzard” comes from.
I would have never bothered, and I’m very fair complexion, if a friend had not told me she goes for a yearly all-body check. So I did, and nothing was wrong but I felt better, having gone. It was worth the semi-humiliation of being there in the outfit I arrived into this world in, having her look at every single inch of me (I did find a woman dermatologist because I have limits) to know there was nothing to be worried about. good for you for the heads up – everyone should be checked every single year.
If you can take another suggestion….have the men in your life get a PSA test (prostate)…my husband’s
count was rising…slowly but rising…when it got to 9.5 his GP said
we aren’t going to just “wait and see”.
He ordered a biopsy and it turns out he has prostate cancer…caught early…hopefully in time…he will have surgery to have in removed soon.
Pam, South Bend
Thank you for that hilarious yet subtly serious reminder to get our skin checked. Glad you are ok, Mamaw.
Glad you are okay! It has become old hat -if I don’t leave the dermo’s office with something cut off, I begin to worry!
Better safe, than sorry y’all!
At least she did not prescribe you some support hose and orthotic shoes!
Julie
Oh no. When I was young, all I can remember my mother ever talking about on the phone was medical issues. Her “surgeries”, in particular; it was like they were very special family members or pets or something. And I vowed I would NEVER, ever do that when I got older. Lo and behold, I have discovered that as the body begins to disintegrate, it provides endless fodder for conversation among friends. SO, I feel your pain, and I even wish I could bring back the eyelashes of my 20’s. Glad that all is well with your mole…
Dear MeeMaw:
Old is having someone the age of your grandmother ask you where you got those “comfortable looking shoes”. (In other words: not a forward fashion pair of sandals.)
Glad all is well. And glad you had friends to encourage you through the wait. What would we do without the gift of those friends who stick close?
If I were a dermatologist I would put this post in a pamphlet and give it out to everyone! Complete with a photo of your moles on a napkin. Well said Mamaw! Well said!
I had one of those too! My doc told me it was a mole that hadn’t decided what it wanted to be when it grew up! Best that you got it taken off now!
I don’t think I could have laughed any louder or sent more sympathy your way!
Been there, done that, had the panic attacks and everything. Total of 4 “precancerous” moles removed over the years. The worst one? a tiny speck on my back that I thought was a rather large blackhead. I know, gross. My hubby tried to excise it to no avail, so I showed it to my GYN doc (yes, i know) on my next visit. He, too, tried to MASH it out and said “I better cut that out”. Turns out it was about as deep as the end joint of my little finger and he ended up putting in 13 stitches. Good thing it came out when it did, he said, or it was headed to my lungs. OMG!
Glad to hear you are A-OK and everything looks good! It never hurts to be reminded about these lovely doctors appointments that none of us really want to deal with, but they can and do safe our lifes!!
Thanks for the reminder!!
having grown up on the beach in southern california i am scared to see a dermatologist. even today i am still a sunshine lover. i do see a doctor every week, for an illness unrelated to skin cancer, and i know he’d see it if something didn’t look right. i need to see a dermatologist, i know :)
mari
How does all the butter and bacon affect your skin?
So glad to hear you preach it sister….. I am a former melanoma patient…at the ripe old age of 25 (I’m 32 now). I’m the proverbial German girl….blonde hair (well, it originally was) blue eyes, and fair skin. The diagnosis absolutely freaked me out and the ‘what if’s’ nearly took me under. Now, I am a big fan of Neutrogenia helioplex Sunscreen that has an SPF of 70. By the way, I nearly did the happy dance right in the middle of THE WALMARTS (as you would say) when I saw that there was a sunscreen with an spf of 70. My dermatologist recommended it, and my poor kids get sprayed down like they have the mange every time we go outside. But I WILL NOT have them get a diagnosis of melanoma (the really bad skin cancer) at the age of 25….goood grief.
Anyway, preach on!
Oh my goodness…I’m going to the derm this morning to get her to look at a patch of eczema that I’m totally convinced is Paget’s Disease and to have an all over skin check and by the way (TMI alert) to see just why in the world my face looks like I’m a pre-teen again!! I enjoyed reading your description of the all over check..I’ve never had that done, and I’m so very nervous! Doesn’t sound too bad though! Thanks!
A dermatologist? No problem! I go every year and get my skin checked out. I know that after spending years in the Florida sun, it’s a must. I’ve had several moles removed and thankfully all has been fine. Now a mammogram? I am terrified of having one of those!!
So glad whenever someone calls attention to the need to get a dermatology check. I had melanoma 10 years ago (at 27) and I still go twice a year for a full body check. Mine was on my scalp, of all places, and my hairdresser found it when my hair was up in foils. I have a nice little golf-ball sized skin graft on my scalp now that will always be bald (covered by my God-given thick hair), but I am so grateful that was the extent of it. I hope your readers will suck up the discomfort and take your advice!
Sophie, I just wanted to tell you that I’ve been feeling a little like Mamaw BooMama this week. See, I went on vacation last week, and I have come home so injured and ailing, it’s just ridiculous.
(And because you wanted to know . . . ) I have a blister on my pinky toe from my otherwise-comfy flip flops, monstrous bug bites all over my feet and legs that required major doses of Benadryl because I was so allergic, a skinned knee from shallow-water snorkeling (and I won’t even tell you about the almost anxiety attack that whole thing gave me), and a now-peeling sunburn on my back from the day we took our daughter to the ocean for the first time and I got everyone all lathered up in SPF 50. Of course, by “everyone” I mean the kiddo, my husband, my arms and chest – but not my back.
I’m sure it will bless your heart to no end to know that every time I take a mental count of my many physical issues, I think of Mamaw BooMama. :)
P.S. I’m glad all your skin stuff is okay!!!
Oh girl, you are soooo funny! Been going thru the derm check too and need to have MOHS surgery on a spot of basal cell. It is important to go to the dr and get it all checked out. BUT how come all the sudden, dr’s are finding all these old people ailments in such a young girl as I? Age spots, bursitis, in-de-gest-tion. Last time I checked, I was like, 13. If my body aged this much, why do I feel like I am still 20 in my head? And if I am gonna be old now, aren’t I supposed to be getting a retirement check and sipping a slushy drink in Florida in my moo-moo?
Oh girl, I have HAD THE SKIN CANCER and it is scary, but you can totally live through it! And I have those dysplastic things all the time. I’m just moley, I guess.
“Moley moley moley!” – Austin Powers
And this is why I love you. You are brave on the outside and thinking what I’m thinking on the inside.
How I wish you could come hold my hand as I go for my skin exam. I’m SO SKEERED. So very much!