So there’s this thing I do in my head where I have imaginary conversations with people.
The conversations are almost always meaningless; they rarely concern anything that could be regarded as even remotely important. The common denominator is that they focus on questions I’ve always wanted to ask. You know, things like “Hello, Inventor of Popeye’s Fried Chicken! How do you get your crust so crispy and thick?”
Or “It’s lovely to see you, CEO of Coca-Cola! How many carbonated beverages do you consume in a day?”
Or “Hi, Miley Cyrus! So. Your new video? What’s all that about, sister?”
Anyway, yesterday morning I was putting on some make-up, and yet another imaginary conversation popped in my head. This one took place outside of a Large Cosmetics Conglomerate.
Me: “It’s nice to meet you, Sir or Madam. What do you do for Maybelline, exactly?”
Imaginary Person: “Oh, it’s nothing, really. I’m the person in charge of all the mascara brushes.”
Me: “WELLLLLLL. You should probably know that I HAVE SOME THOUGHTS.”
Because seriously? Have you ever stopped to think about how much time and energy goes into the conception, development and production of mascara brushes in this country? It boggles the mind. We are constantly being bombarded with new! and improved! brushes that will extend, lift, curl, separate, strengthen, thicken and define. And these brushes that are made specifically FOR OUR EYELASHES. Because it’s somebody’s job to push the limits of eyelash definition as far as modern technology will allow.
I don’t know why this fascinates me so. Maybe it’s because I’ve fallen for the Eyelash Dream hook, line and sinker. I’m forever trying new types of mascara in the hopes of finding The One that will maximize the impact of my seven whole eyelashes. It’s an epic quest with me, the cosmetic equivalent of looking for the Holy Grail. Or pulling the sword from the stone. Or finding someone on “The Bachelor” who consistently uses pronouns correctly.
And I guess I might as well tell you this: after I finish my pretend conversation with the person who’s in charge of the eyelash brushes? I want to (pretend) talk to somebody who names new mascaras.
I mean, come on. Lash Out? Lash Blast? Lash Discovery? Double Extend? Telescopic Explosion?
That’s an imaginary conversation that could last for a very long time, primarily because I need to 1) find out more about the creative process behind mascara-naming and 2) throw my suggestion for a mascara name into the ring.
Ready? Here it is.
LASHTACULAR!
No?
LASHAPALOOZA?
Maybe?
I’ll keep working on it.
I’m sure that the pretend person I’ll be talking to would tell you that these sorts of mascara-related things take time.
I would appreciate your prayers.
I have conversations with imaginary people also. I don’t think I’d share it on my blog though. ;)
When I saw the title I thought you were going to say something about DWTS because I really think Chad danced with Cheryl to that tune last night??? Or was that just my imagination?
First off-I love the title…one of my favorite songs!
I think the imaginary conversation is a woman thing…do you also talk to yourself or is that just me? It’s Idol nite and I’m home alone so I’m sure I’ll be conversing with the judges : )
Have a nice day.
“Because it’s somebody’s job to push the limits of eyelash definition as far as modern technology will allow” is my new favorite sentence.
I would totally by lashtacular and/or lashapalooza! I have imaginary conversations in my head all the time, but they are usually rehearsals for expected confrontations or reenactments post-conversation where I am SO much more clever than in the actual chat.
I would totally “buy”…
Sophie. Seriously, you are so funny. If there is one blogger I could have lunch with, it would be YOU.
Stop with the mascara already – it’s EYELASH EXTENSION time!
If, at any point while trying to lift, extend, curl, separate, strengthen, thicken and define your seven (LOL) lashes you have never stopped to thank God for making you blond you may want to do so. Those naturally thick eyelashes girls like me sport (and thereby are immune to all the mascara marketing hype) come with a lot, A LOT, of other thick, natural hair in other places. So, um, yah. I am ever lured by the products that will smooth, remove, and denude my legs (arms, eyebrows, bikini) into something resembling feminine beauty instead of Grog the Cave Girl.
Just sayin’.
You are SOOO hilarious!! Imaginary conversations are part of my daily routine. :)
I absolutely love Lashtacular. That sounds like a fabulous name. I would gladly try it. Because I am also once again on the hunt for the perfect mascara.
I used(for like fifteen YEARS) Max Factor 2000 Calorie and apparently it as been discontinued in the USA…..so, I am back on the hunt for a new kind. No warning at all, they just pulled it off the shelves. I went to FIVE stores before I came home and Googled the issue I was having. I am still sort of depressed.
Love it!
“7 whole eyelashes” BWAHAHAHAH! I’m with you girl…except I have you beat. I have 7 and one half eyelashes.
I’m voting for Lashapalooza!
This is so delightfully exciting and I just keep giggling.
I have conversations in my head, too. Only they’re not nearly as fascinating or funny as the ones you are having. Mine generally fall in the category of uncomfortable things I don’t want to deal with certain people about. NO, NO, NO, NOT THAT! My daughters and I have always talked openly and candid about THAT! ;)
Confrontations. Conflict. BLEH! HATE IT! And those dang conversations do NOT help me! I get all worked up. I wonder if people are going to contact me after reading this with help and advice. Sigh.
Back to your topics of conversation. MASCARA. I GET YOU! Why is it when I find THE perfect product for me that someone has to go and pull the rug out from under me. Time to improve. TO CHANGE. DANG IT!
If the brush is too skinny, I find that it actually works the OPPOSITE effect on my eyelashes. For instance, the skinnier brushes are usually for lengthening. But instance, the ends do NOT get the coverage I get with non-skinny brushes. For volume, the brushed are generally fatter. Sometimes very big. It’s not so much that the lashed don’t look voluminous (hint, one of my favs) but the brush usually coats those lashes so much that my eyelids are dotted with mascara and I have to re-do my eye shadow.
It’s quite stressful.
So thank you for bringing this up. I’d like to join you in one of those conversations.
And for the record: LASHTACULAR! IT ROCKS!
Have you heard of Latisse? You may have seen the commercials with Brooke Shields. It’s a prescription (I think) product that promotes eyelash growth and let me tell you it works! My mom is 65 and has thinning hair issues on her head that also affected her eyelashes. She hates having short or minimal lashes. Her friend was using Latisse and after seeing how long her friend’s lashes were, my mom tried it. My mom’s lashes are long and thick! You can decrease the use so they don’t get too long, but something you might want to consider or look into.
Girl, I am so with you on this one! I have those convos too, but mine are more like Leslie mentioned. You know, the dress rehearsal for a dreaded confrontation. The sad part is that I don’t think I ever come out on top. Which, of course, is what leads to the flashback convo where I am oh-so-witty and intellectual!
LASHTACULAR! Seriously, I love that! You better watch out or somebody from the mascara conglomerate will steal it from you one of these days! :)
So I’m not the only one who has imaginary conversations? Good to know!
Thanks for making me smile this morning!
~Kandi
http://kandilandblog.blogspot.com
Oh, how I love this.
I have always wanted to name lipsticks and nail polish. The possibilities? Endless.
OMG!!! ROFLMBO!!!! Nightline just had a piece about this very thing last night!! You should go watch it (www.abcnews.com). And for the record, I have imaginary conversations too – shhhh – don’t tell anyone! :) And I vote for Lashtacular! Have a Lashtacular day!
Amy
We will never find a bachelor episode where everyone uses the correct pronouns. I think we should just abandon hope on that one right now.
You are too funny! I share your quest for mascara that will make me look like I actually have lovely eyelashes. You know what I’ve found for my own straight-as-a-board-and-baby-fine-just-like-my-hair lashes? All those new fancy brushes and formulas don’t hold a candle to the one I discovered my freshman year in high school: Loreal Voluminous.
I keep finding myself lured in by the fabulous ads and trying new ones, but every time I just go back to good ol’ Voluminous. Surely I’m not that nostalgic and set in my ways?!?
I love the idea of mascara…and will occasionally wear it…but I need someone to make some that doesn’t make my eyes water!!! Seriously! Everytime I wear the stuff its like Niagra Falls – which does not mix well with mascara. So while you’re talking to that person, could you put that out there for me?
I saw a segment on Nightline last night about mascara and fake eyelashes. They even showed some scenes at the mascara development lab. Check it out at http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline.
And if you find the perfect mascara, please let me know, because I’m searching for it, too!
Girlfriend, we are the same brand of crazy!
I love it!
As a fellow lash-challenged sister, I am waiting with baited breath for the perfect mascara! Let me know if you ever find it!
I am amazed at how the toothbrush has improved over the last 10 or so years since I’ve been paying attention. And yet, it is still improving right along with toothpaste and now mouthwash that will keep you from having morning breath.
ps I LOVE Mary Kay’s new mascara – so worth the extra money. Just sayin’…
I enjoy your zaniness so much and your honest perspective about everything. I love the way your heart laughs. The 7-eyelash comment cracked me up. Thanks for the smile.
I like how you ended the last post with easy-breezy…which left me thinking CoverGirl. And then you went all Maybelline. Way to spread the makeup love around.
Would you believe that there was a news story on Nightline last night on this very subject? And can you also believe that last year alone we spent almost $1 Billion on lash products? It does boggle the mind…but what was most fascinating was that you can get a perm for your eyelashes. I am totally serious.
Okay, you crack me up. I still love the CG Exact Eyelights, only I wonder if it has anything to do with my eyelashes falling out a lil more… ha.
But you know. I just need a smaller wand thank you. I hate the mess.
you make my day… :) i love reading your funny posts. thanks for making me laugh! btw…lashtacular gets my vote!
Lashalicious.
Excellent post. Me still giggling.
Definitely lashtacular. Because it reminds me of your diptacular post.
After you talk with Miley, will you please tell us what she says about that there video? From the looks of it, she’s going to marry Kevin Federline and shave her head very soon.
First of all, may I say that a little part of me died when Loreal discontinued Lash Out all together- the mascara I had SWORN by for years (since Freshman year of high school yall…this was a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP)…and now I’m using Carbon Black Telescopic…which I find interesting because I keep thinking- wasn’t “Blackest black” the blackest you could get? but now Carbon Black is EVEN BLACKER!!! Like I want my eyelashes to look like the center of a black hole or something…needless to say, I understand your post. That is all.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who has imaginary conversations with people :)
I was intrigued that you were talking about mascara today. For a long time I have laughed about how companies go to extremes to “redefine” mascara when it basically does the same thing it always has done.
The reason they need to change the brushes and give it new names is because its function never changes. Therefore, marketing is its only “newness”. That is my opinion and I’m sick so it may not make any sense. Love your blog!
1.) I have pretend conversations in my head all the time (although mine are more often rehearsals of real conversations I want to have or re-doing conversations that didn’t go as I wished)
2.) Stiletto is my favorite mascara name – really? Do you want to put something with THAT kind of pain-connection on your EYES?!?
3.) I have always wanted to get in the industry of paint-color naming (walls, nail polish – whatever). I think I would excell and enjoy such a thing! :)
I’ve tried them all, and DIORSHOW Iconic is the absolute best. Promise. =) Conversation over- at least on my end of things. =)
You’re a hoot. And I love it.
Chris has a name (I read these aloud to him all the time!): LASH-TASTIC!
My sister has perfect lashes. She’s always complaining about how she can’t wear sunglasses because her eyelashes are so long they hit them. And then I want to hit her.
Loved the post.
OMG!!! I feel so much better knowing there are so many other people out there having imaginary conversations in their head. Very comforting. And the mascara thing IS insane. Just paid $25 for one out of desperation to find one that actually works.
It is funny to me that the subject here is mascara, since my daughter and I went shopping this past weekend and she must have spent a hour checking each kind of mascara the store had and they had a lot. Finally…she settled one the one she wanted. LOL