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Now I certainly don’t mean to brag, but I’m sort of the queen of setting some seriously unrealistic fitness goals.
You know, like losing 30 pounds over the course of a single weekend. Or vowing with my whole heart that, come Monday morning, I’m going to wake up and run five miles before breakfast.
Neveryoumind that I don’t actually run.
And because I have a personality that is completely and totally fascinated by whatever shiny object happens to be sitting in front of me at the time, it’s hard for me to stay motivated with a fitness routine. It’s hard to put on walking clothes when I’m just so delighted by combing through an old high school friend’s pictures on Facebook. Or when I’m smack-dab in the middle of a reality show marathon. Or when my little boy tells me that he would really like to snuggle on the couch with me for a little bit because “I just love you so much, Mama, that I never want to let go of you.”
I mean, come on. You’d totally stay on the couch with your child, too.
But the fact of the matter is that if I want to see that little guy grow up – which OF COURSE I do – and if I want to be a person who feels good and energetic and about 15 years younger than my actual age, I have to take care of myself. That doesn’t mean that I have to look like Heidi Klum or have Jillian Michaels’ rock-solid abs. It just means that I need to be intentional about doing the things that I KNOW make me feel better.
And oddly enough, even though the power of rationalization might convince me otherwise in a moment of weakness, eating ten chocolate kisses in one sitting REALLY DOESN’T contribute to my overall energy level. Neither does, well, SITTING.
Over the years I’ve come up with all sorts of misguided ways to keep myself motivated when it comes to exercise. There was the if-I-walk-two-miles-I’ll-reward-myself-with-fried-chicken-for-supper method, the if-I-walk-for-10-days-in-a-row-I-bet-I-can-lose-two-dress-sizes method, the my-class-reunion-is-coming-up-and-I’d-prefer-to-feel-moderately-confident method. And honestly, I’ve had a little short-term success with all of those strategies.
But as someone who has always struggled with weight and body image and all of those fun things, I’ve realized – especially over the last few years – that there are two sentences that are the very best motivation of all:
I want to feel strong.
I want to feel healthy.
And I’m certainly not saying that those two sentences have inspired me to train for a half-marathon. Oh no ma’am. I have a long way to go in terms of reaching my fitness goals. But those sentences do inspire me to get in the swimming pool with my child and play just as hard as he does. They inspire me to get outside on a beautiful day and just move.
They remind me that I don’t have to do crazy things in some misguided quest for unrealistic results.
That’s sort of freeing, you know?
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Hmm funny moment huh? You mean funnier than me in spandex? Okay, how about the fact that everytime I go to the Y to workout – the cute (in a grandpa type cute not cute as in hot) old man always manages to workout next to me. He is super sweet, and helps his wife workout too, but boy oh boy – he can NOT hold his gas. I can’t escape him either. No matter what time of day, or which machine I choose – there is the tooting grandpa.
In other news – I don’t want to eat for several hours after due to gas poisoning… so that is a plus!
In high school I was the only girl playing basketball with a bunch of guys (that I was just getting to know, since it was at a summer camp) and the drawstring on my shorts broke. I caught them before they got down too far, mumbled something about leaving to the guy nearest me, and hurried off the court!
My mom borrowed my Pilates DVD. She WATCHED it the first time while sitting on the couch, eating popcorn covered in butter and parmesan cheese!!!
My one and only purchase from a certain home shopping channel was for this contraption that I could strap on to my tummy and it would give me electric shocks that would automatically tone my abs. I hate exercise THAT much.
Uh-huh. Right.
Obviously it didn’t work. What a waste of $40. The shoes I could have bought! I hid it under my bed in shame, hoping my husband wouldn’t find it. Eventually, I wrapped that thing up in several bags and boxes to disguise it so the neighbors wouldn’t see it in my trash and laugh at me.
This is the first time I’ve ever mentioned this. Until now, only me and that shopping channel knew my dirty little secret. I feel a little better now. Especially after those 5 chocolate chip cookies I just had.
When I get on a “working out kick” I usually hit it pretty hard for the first week. Unfortunately, my muscles get hit pretty hard too and I have trouble getting up and down from chairs and walking. So SAD!
Although it’s not funny to me, every time I do jumping jacks, I pee a little bit.
I started running in the late spring and thought it would be great exercise for my dog. Well…. needless to say, it is hard to run while you are holding a bag of dog poo…
My kids laugh hilariously as I try to do the Jillian’s Shred!
On my first real diet when I was 22 and a whopping 108 pounds (what was I thinking?)at 5’5″, I was being really good and eating very healthy and then I just went to the kitchen, baked a yellow cake and mixed up some chocolate butter cream frosting. I said I was making it for my daddy but I stood at the kitchen counter and ate one third of the cake with a glass of milk! I felt terrible and didn’t know about eating disorders but I am happy to say that is the only time I’ve done that sort of thing.
When going for a run, I have put my earphones in backwards before and then couldn’t figure out why the weren’t working.
I attended my first yoga/pilates class and they did an “advanced” move of laying on your back and lifting your butt up to the ceiling and pointing your toes toward the sky until you become a straight line. I did this easily…but attempting the slow descent I passed gas…loudly. Everyone stopped and looked at me. I was horrified and couldn’t get out of there quick enough!
I have a “spiritual” friend who convinced me when I was spending the weekend with her to attend Bikram Yoga. For those who do not know,Bikram Yoga is yoga practiced in a 106 degree room. Our session happened to be 90 minutes long. I was encouraged by the instructor to stay in the room even if I couldn’t fully participate for the 90 minutes. Afer 20 minutes, I could no longer feel my hands and had to step out. It felt similar to what I would imagine hell to feel like. It was torture. As I laid on the ground outside the studio, the instructor came out all sweet and said “It would really be good for you to come back in.” Never mind that I am still unable to feel my hands and I am balled up against the cool tile floor, gasping for breath. I sipped the coconut water she gave me, went back in after 20 minutes, and spent the rest of my session floating somewhere between conscious and unconsious without moving. I did finish however. And when I left, I vowed never, ever, to do hot yoga ever again.
I have lost 55lbs in the past 6 months and have recently started exercising. I am so not coordinated and zumba class is an exercise in laughter on a good day and on a bad one it feels like I’m one of the three stooges trying to exercise, or all three at the same time.
When I was in fifth I made an exercise tape with my parents brand new video camera. I was wearing short shorts, a sports bra, and right smack in the middle of my awkward stage. Belly hanging, arms jiggling doing jumping jacks and sit ups. My parents blackmail me with it to this day.
My husband and I work out at a tennis club, but really only use the weight room, treadmills, and elipticals. Well, the tennis club was hosting a professional tennis tournament with mostly very young, hoping to make it big players. We went to work out and about 10 of these guys came into the room, mostly showing off for each other. One hopped on the treadmill next to my husband and began mimicking his intervals, as if he wanted to race. So, of course my husband had to keep up! He ran six miles that day (much longer than usual) and was sore for a week. But, he proved he could keep up with a 18-year old wanna-be tennis pro. Such accomplishment. Ha.
My story is sadly unfunny. Every time I’ve taken on working out regularly… I’ve gained weight. very sad.
How bout this one? In high school I was in PE class and we were playing softball. I was scared of the ball, and my teacher insisted that if I just put the mitt in front of my face the ball would NOT hit me in the face, and I needed to stop being a scaredy cat.
So I brought the mitt down in front of my face instead of catching off to the side…. and the ball hit me square in the nose.
Never underestimate my uncoordinatedness.
I’m super competitive. So, while running on the treadmill, I love to have someone on the treadmill beside me who is going slower than me. (Isn’t that awful?) One morning while running, an older gentleman got on the treadmill beside me. He proceeded to walk sssssllllloooooowwwwwllllyyyy on the treadmill. I was feeling all proud of how well I was running when I looked over to see how ssssslllloooowwwwlllyyy he was walking.
And I face-planted into my treadmill.
So. Embarrassing.
I hopped up as fast as I could and started running again. As you’d expect, my walking friend was sssslllloooowww to recognize I’d fallen, and by the time he tried to check on me, I was running again.
A few days later, he asked my husband if I was okay. My husband gave him a blank stare since I’d OBVIOUSLY been too proud to tell my hubby about my fall. Poor man had to then spill the beans to my husband that I’d fallen!?!?! Embarrassing!!
How about trying to take the dog on walks to get some exercise but realizing he has an issue with pooping every four or five feet as we go! I mean to tell you, I don’t get it. I’ll wait to make sure he’s done, but nope. More poop in a few more steps.
Oh, and I really hope this comment isn’t considered inappropriate! If so, I am truly sorry.
My exercise consists of sitting on my bottom watching it on Fit TV. My goal is always to workout but watching them do it is so much more fun!
Pam
I always make a list of what exercises I am going to do and either never follow through or do them wrong, for years I was doing crunches wrong
tbarrettno1 at gmail dot com
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Oh, I can relate to high expectations and the endless excuses. My 84 year old friend (I am 65) finally convinced me to join her & 2 other friends in a weekly trip to the local indoor pool. We tried the aquasize class, but couldn’t keep up with the 92 year old instructor (drill sargent), so we just go to free swim, when the pool is just about empty, and swim, jog, walk; but mostly exercise our jaws, keeping up with the latest news.
Funny is watching my 3 year old try and do Hip Hop Abs with me – hee hee!
We do Jillian’s 30 day Shred with our 4 year old daughter, Abigail. She usually does the jumping jacks and phones the rest in. Or she does the whole thing with a dill pickle in her hand.
I had to give up doing yoga at home. Each time I tried to do “Downward Dog” the cat attacked me.
My funniest moment was when I got a cramp when doing some stretches and fell down. Those cramps really hurt!
There is nothing funnier than watching me get my butt kicked my Jillian Michaels in my old pajamas in the middle of my living room. I would let Hubby take a picture but I’m pretty sure I’d have to go into hiding forever.
I go to a twice weekly exercise class that’s here at work (built in accountability and the location is convenient!) – the other day we were stretching and all of a sudden I realized everyone else was still standing up but I was sitting down! Guess I couldn’t wait to get off my feet (in exercise class!)
Maybe not so funny, but I walk in my neighborhood and have been bit by dogs 3 times!
Not sure when this is over…but, while I was doing the 30 Day Shred I got to the 3rd level. I was fine for the first day or two, but the third day I was in the middle of the workout and as Jillian was berating me, I flopped down onto my stomach and just started whining and crying that I could not do it…she had won…my husband thought I was nuts.
I pulled a muscle in my thigh during yoga and wouldn’t quit because everyone else was 20 years older than me. I have my pride!
Last week I started to run with my son. He’s 12 and has played a variety of sports for years. I am not 12 and have changed diapers and mopped floors for years. I got halfway around the block and had to stop at the corner to breathe, cough, and otherwise wheeze myself back to a place where I could stand upright. My child worried for me and assured me that we could slow down. Oy.
I was really proud that I had put in such a good workout at the gym, until I glanced over and watched two 80 year-olds outlift me. Humbling for sure…
I decided to the the HCG diet since there was no exercise involved! Yes! No exercise and lose weight…I’m in! What I didn’t realize is that you are only eating a very very very small amt of food. Well of course you lose weight….you starve!
The leotard that I used to wear to the gym (before I was a Christian) is a small enough thong that if I still owned it, I would mistake it for dental floss.
Trying to picture myself in that thing today should be all that I need to propel me into the gym!
I recently tried on my prepregnancy jeans… I’ve lost so much weight that I just KNEW they’d fit. NOT.EVEN.CLOSE.
Oh wait… that’s not funny.
For some reason, despite working out for years and being “somewhat” in shape, my face turns BRIGHT red and sometimes even purple when I work out. If I’m taking a new class, the instructor will constantly, while looking directly at me in the mirror, call out “MAKE SURE YOU’RE BREATHING!!!” I’m sure they’re panicked thinking I’m going to pass out in the middle of their class!
I have kids everday is nothing but a marthon and they always win
Not a big exerciser here, but here’s a story for you…
My daughter has a stuffed llama she keeps on her bed..his name is “Karl”. Our dog Bailey loves any stuffed animals and constantly sneaks into Danielle’s room and tries to steal her “babies”. The other day, Bailey got Karl and took off running with Danielle right behind her. Danielle yelled “Stay strong Karl!!!!” I thought I was going to die laughing.
One day, a mailman was greeted by a boy and his dog. The mailman said to the boy, “Does your dog bite?”
“No,” replied the boy.
Just then, the dog bit the mailman.
“Hey, “he yelled. “I thought your dog doesn’t bite!”
“He doesn’t,” replied the boy, “but that’s not my dog.”
gmissycat@yahoo.com
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A few years ago I was at the gym trying to lose baby weight and stumbled on the treadmill and fell off the end. Everyone in the gym clapped for me when I got up.
I’d say the funniest part happens after the exercise… when I can’t walk or sit right! It’s not so pretty!
While attempting to do some fun water sports this summer I realized how ungraceful I am as I fell out of my cousin’s boat(while attempting to step onto the dock), then a few weeks later off of a jetski — (it was stopped, and in 2ft of water) and then 2 days later, out of a kayak (while getting out). Grace, at your service.
Here’s something funny….I had never been on a treadmill until I join a local health club.
It was my first pilates class.
We had to do this unusual move where you lie on the floor and pull your knees up to you chest and rock back and forth. Funny sight. Well the older lady right behind me kept passing gas everytime she rolled forward. I could not stop laughing which made the hard exercise nearly impossible.
Walking on the treadmill while the husband is sleeping…he hears a loud CRASH ” whats wrong in there” Me: oh nothing…think i dozed off or got too interested in the TV program and fell off the treadmill!
My sister and I supported her husband as he ran his first full marathon last weekend. He crossed the finish line and said, “I’m never doing that again! Please don’t make me!”
One time my son (then about 11 or 12) went to the gym with an older boy, grabbed the biggest dumbbells he could lift, and did a LOT of bicep curls. The next morning he couldn’t straighten his arms!
I went to a step aerobic class with a friend and was very focused on trying to do it “right”. While focusing on the instructor I feel over the step, knocking it over. No more step aerobics for me….
I tried to start running 2 weeks after I had my second baby. As you mamas know, the bladder isn’t the strongest after having babies. My shorts were a little wet, and it wasn’t from sweat! :)
Me exercising is just plain funny!
Try walking around the local mall for exercise. My husband shakes his head when I come home because I buy shoes, tops, books, etc. I just can’t help myself when all these stores have great sales. Its exercise girls, you might as well enjoy your day.
my kids say that watching me run is funny…but i can still catch them every single time.
My dog Lucy would get all excited if you said, where’s the squirrel…and she would start running to try to find it or look out the window. So when I would be walking her in the neighborhood, when we would get to a hill, I’d say “Where’s the squirrel” and she would start running and pull me up the hill! I know, sad!
My walks are usually pretty boring but I took my 2 year old nephew in the stoller with me the other day. He’s usually real chatty but I think he was mesmerized by all the things we were passing. He just kept randomly shouting out the things he would see.
“Car!…. Leaf!…Boat!…Dog!…”
No funny stories! I am more like you in that I have these wonderful ideas that I can totally see in my mind but getting off the couch is the problem!
Pam
started water aerobics and just loved it. then fell into the pool as I tripped over a chair!
What’s ….um, Not so funny, is the fact that when I go walking with my friend at a local church gym/fitness area, the old folks are leaving me in their tracks…. Not all of them, but even 1 or 2 does plenty of self esteem damage…. I choose to laugh this off and then go straight to convincing myslef that they have been life-long exercise enthusiasts :)
I was working out with my trainer and realized I had not shaved my legs in a while…embarrassing!
One of the funniest diets stories I know involves my mom and dad. They both decided they wanted to lose some weight so they went on the slim fast diet. My dad kept saying this diet isn’t bad, even though mom didn’t think it was the greatest. Then one day mom walked in the kitchen and caught my dad putting scoops of ice cream in his slim fast shake! No wonder he didn’t think it was bad! hahaha
I only wish I had a funny story about exercise. Pathetic, I know.
Does it count that one night my mom and I parked in lot for a gym so I could eat an ice cream cookie sandwich? We watched the people inside exercise while I tried not to let the melting ice cream drip down my chin.
I once fell while running on the treadmill and it sent me shooting backwards right into the glass wall that overlooked the basketball court. The hot guys playing basketball down below thought it was hilarious and I immedietly beelined it to my car and never went back to the gym around that same time … so embarrassing!
On a lark, my BFF and I decided to take a spin class. We pedaled away for 10 minutes before we looked at each other and whispered, “Wanna quit?” We bolted out the door as fast as we could, which wasn’t very fast considering our nether regions were numb!
I exercize and that is funny.
When I was a teenager I decided to try doing a Slim Fast diet. I didn’t lose any weight and became discouraged. A friend told me that I was doing it wrong. I was drinking them as a snack in between meals instead of using them in place of meals. Go figure!
Years ago when I was daily exercise kick, I decided to go dancing every Friday night at a local place for the pure exercise of it. It was salsa and it was fast dance music all night. The first Friday I went I danced for hours and had a great time until, in the spirit of the adrenaline and my past youth I did a a deep knee move and pulled a muscle in my groin. Limping the next day and favoring my right side, my oldest daughter rolled on the floor when she realized I had pulled my groin dancing. She had to tell the whole house and the laughing spread like wild fire with every one telling me, “Mom, you’re just not as young as you used to be.”. Still to this day if I mention going dancing she laughs and warns me not to go in case I pull my groin again. LOL :)
I think the fact that my home exercise equipment like my exercise bike and weight bench is used more to hang clothes and towels on than to exercise with is funny and sad. Well, maybe just sad.
Years ago my best friend and I walked together each morning until the weather got snowy. Then we decided to meet early in the morning and do aerobics in the church fellowship hall – neither of us had ever done aerobics before, so we made sure that no one else was around while we stumbled through the moves! We laughed so hard at ourselves for several weeks until we found our “groove”.
When I was about 10 and in Girl Scouts, our troop decided we would climb a mountain. We lived in Phoenix; there are a few “small” mountains there with hiking trails up to the top, no climbing just walking. We prepared for weeks – planning snacks, water bottles, don’t get new shoes unless you have time to break them in; don’t clip your toenails too close to the day of the hike, etc.
On the big day, we started our hike and took lots of rest breaks, eating our GORP and drinking water. Then we noticed that we were recognizing some people – they had passed us on the way up and were now on their jaunty way down. Turns out there is a huge group of people, some of them very senior citizens, who climb this mountain every day as part of their exercise routine. We poor weak little 10-year-olds didn’t have a chance!
This past Saturday my best friend and I did yoga by the river. It was my first yoga class. That combined with the fact that it was outside gave us a lot of laughs as I’m sure you can imagine.
We play a game every night at dinner after we’ve eaten. We talk about our days and tell jokes, whoever makes everyone laugh the hardest gets the “pot”($1)! It makes for some side hurting laughter!
Tweet!(via the official rules)
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I laugh at myself everytime I think I’m all that in step class and fall off my own step!! Lucky for me I have never hit my self in the face with it!
It is funny to me that just tonite I was preparing my new low carb soup so I can make it a part of sheding my fluff….and got to eat my laughing cow cheese while the dish was cooking. It made me eve satisfying!
THINK ABOUT THIS ONE…
If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.
LOL THANKS FOR THE OPPORTUNITY! kytah00@yahoo.com
SECOND ENTRY TWEET http://twitter.com/#!/kytah00/status/29065407989 kytah00@yahoo.com
After my third child was born, I was dog tired all the time, but wanted to do something for myself. I signed up for a yoga class thru community ed. The first night during the cool down portion, I fell asleep and woke myself up with a giant snore. Embarrasing!
Once I was running on the treadmill at the gym, listening to my ipod. The silly thing turned off for some reason and I was trying to get it back to my good music without interrupting my workout. Somehow, in the midst of paying more attention to the ipod than to the treadmill, I fell. And promptly shot off the back end of the treadmill. And started laughing REALLY loudly, mostly out of embarrassment. Nobody else in the gym even batted an eye, but I’m sure they all went home with a funny story to tell that day! :)
I have the Wii fitness coach and if you don’t log into it for awhile….well, she has a snarky tone – my kids always remind me that she’s going to be mad if I don’t do the Wii pretty soon!
tweeted: http://twitter.com/KerryBishop/status/29178355739
I had to laugh when someone else mentioned slim fast. Several years ago my boss and I both lived off of the stuff. So much so that when she left the company, we actually used slim fast cans to hold the flower centerpiece at her party.
I started using a mini trampoline with an exercise video. After about a week, the DOWNSTAIRS neighbor told me maybe that wasn’t the best type of exercise for an upstairs apartment! I wasn’t really noisy, but the vibrations were causing dust to fall from her ceiling.
I ran right off the back of the treadmill at the gym watching a cute guy walk by and yes, he noticed me too as soon as I did that. Argh!
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Thanks!
Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn’t you?
Pupil: Not very much!
marybug2@yahoo.com
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I am pretty good at exercising. But one day I was running in the gym on the treadmill. I was watching Golden Girls, which I love. At a hilarious part of the show, I started cracking up laughing… which lead me to miss-step and go flying off the back of the treadmill!!!
I have a toddler. I keep telling myself that the sweets are for energy to keep up with her. My belly is telling me other wise.
I was so excited to take my first step aerobics class that upon seeing the step bench, I enthusiastically jumped towards it–only to have it go flying out from beneath me and causing me to fall and bruise my tailbone. Fun times. :)
I was at the YMCA to workout during prime time hours….and I tripped on the treadmill and flew back off of it and my shoelace got stuck in the belt of the treadmill……NICE!
I’m about to re-sell the pre-natal workout video that I bought when I got pregnant. My husband guessed I would use it 4 times. Well, the baby’s 7 weeks old, and I never did use it. Take that, husband! You were SO WRONG.
So who HASN’T broke wind doing sit ups?? :-)
My best friend went with me to Zumba a few months ago. While I always laugh at myself, having her there made me laugh even harder. I think you burn more calories laughing anyway. It’s alwasy fun when you can laugh at yourself!
We had to lift weights in a college fitness class. I think it was bench pressing…clearly, I wasn’t paying much attention. I wasn’t any good at it, either. I couldn’t even lift the bar. Just the bar, no weights on it. It was a sad, sad, day for my skinny little arms. Since then, I’ve toted two heavy babies and gained a little upper body strength!
I had moved back to town and signed up to do a charity bike ride in December. It was in south Georgia, so I wore shorts. Non padded, gym shorts. Since I had just moved back, I didn’t know anybody and was riding alone. The route was marked with poster board on poles and the weather changed for the worse while I was on the bike. The wind picked up and the signs blew down. I was lost for several hours and had no food, so I stopped under a pecan tree and used a rock to open some nuts I found on the ground. After several hours, I found my way back to the start and everyone was gone, there was no free hot dog or anything left for me to eat. I went home and got into a hot bathtub with an adult beverage to thaw out!
So, again I almost fell off the elliptical, I was trying to do “weighted arm moves” that I’d read about. I’d better not start chewing gum and walking at the same time!
: )
I’m seriously struggling with the whole exercise thing. I’m in a slump and I don’t like it. Jillian kicked my behind last year a couple of times and honestly, IT WORKED! I’m extremely interested in the whole new Zumba thing. Two of my girls take dancing lessons and their instructor now has Zumba classes. Nothing fun here. Yet. Because I HAVE YET TO GO. :( I’m using the excuse that I need new exercise clothing. But in all fairness to me, bleached and holey yoga pants and old t-shirts doesn’t seem motivating. Seriously, I need prayer.
AND A $150 VISA CARD TO GET SOME NEW FITNESS CLOTHING.
i had one of those giant rubber bands used for tension exercises break on me in the middle of class. Not only did i get a giant welt, the teacher came running over to check on me. i wanted the floor to swallow me whole…