Well, today is my birthday, and I am 27 years old. IN MY MIND, AT LEAST.
Birthday delusions aside, I’m happy to tell you that Mamaw’s sciatica subsided over the weekend, though I seem to have added a sinus infection to the mix. Later in the week I plan to wrestle with a bout of bursitis and then maybe deal with an angina flare-up. So needless to say I am SASSY AS EVER.
As far as birthdays go, today has been a good ‘un. My fellas sent me some beautiful flowers, and since pedicures are in fact my love language, they gave me a gift certificate to my favorite nail salon. I rarely get manicures because I can’t stand it if my nails are longer than two centimeters, but the last time I got a pedicure (OPI Suzi Takes The Wheel – can’t recommend it enough), I totally caved and got a manicure, too. OH, I DID ENJOY IT. I loved having polish on my fingernails for, no kidding, the first time in approximately eleven-ish years, and I felt very hip and with it and now for the five whole days that the manicure lasted.
So I’m thinking that the whole manicure thing may wind up being more of an annual treat than a regular habit.
Tonight we went to Chuy’s for supper (SHOCKING, I KNOW), and it was delicious, as always. We came home and enjoyed some birthday cupcakes, followed by an extensive discussion about an upcoming math test. The eight year-old in this house is typically super self-motivated when it comes to school, but he’s concerned about a timed math test that’s coming up later this week. His daddy and I explained that we’ll just practice until the timed part doesn’t even feel like a factor, but the little man expressed some concern that practicing math isn’t quite as fun as other after-school activities.
And y’all, I don’t know what came over me, but I suddenly found myself dropping every single cliche’ about Why School Is Important. At one point I actually said – I ACTUALLY SAID – “Well, what you need to understand is that until you are totally prepared for this timed test, the bridge to after-school fun is SHUT DOWN. But when you take your test and do well on your test, the bridge to fun will re-open.”
Seriously. THE BRIDGE TO FUN. Who says that? Besides A CRAZY PERSON, I mean?
Eventually I realized that I didn’t need to run the risk of implying that A might wind up living in a van down by the river if he doesn’t do well on his timed math facts quiz, so D and I tried to lighten the mood with some silliness. All was happy and well within a few minutes, and we ended up having a sweet little prayer time that pulled the whole issue back into perspective. However, I have to say: for about ten minutes there I barely recognized myself. I’d had three glasses of unsweetened iced tea at the Chuy’s, gotten all amped up on caffeine, and before I knew what hit me I was wearing my academic police cap, mapping out a strategy for Math Success and SHUTTING DOWN THE BRIDGE TO FUN.
Sweet times. Precious memories.
So, to make my birthday joy complete, I would love it if some of y’all would jump in and share some parenting words of wisdom that you can’t believe you actually said. Maybe you threatened to turn the car around RIGHT THIS SECOND because CLEARLY WE DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW TO HAVE FUN IN THIS FAMILY, or maybe you gave an excellent lecture on how failing to plan is planning to fail and THERE WILL BE NO PLANS FOR FAILURE IN THIS HOUSE. And if you’re not a parent, don’t let that stop you from participating, because I bet you’ve offered some mighty fine words of wisdom to your nieces, nephews, siblings or godchildren.
I guess the bottom line is that if you’ve ever had an Oh my word I cannot believe I actually just said that teachable moment with someone who was under your care and supervision, now is your chance to share the joy of that moment with the internet. And we will laugh with you. Because even though the whole caring-for-children thing is hard sometimes, it can also be endlessly entertaining.
I’ll round up a few bloggy people to vote for the funniest comment in a couple of days, and just to make everything all official and fancy, the prize will be a $50 gift certificate from Amazon or iTunes (winner’s choice).
And listen. If that doesn’t re-open THE BRIDGE TO FUN, then I don’t know what will.
Fire away, my friends.
First of all, Happy Birthday!
I so love having a monthly manicure and pedicure. For Christmas last year, I received a handmade certificate from my husband stating I am commanded to go to the nail salon once a month for a year. Believe me, I took and still taking advantage of this gift. In the process of being at the nail salon once a month, I have gather lots of information about nails and nail products. One of the best base coats out there is Orly’s Bonder coat. When I use this base coat, I can keep nail polish on for 7 days are longer. I am doing the dishes too. http://www.orlybeauty.com/basecoats.php
Stupid no fun ideas I had when my children were young. My children loved for me to read books to them before they went to bed. I remember having such a terrible day that day and getting them ready for bed was probably a bit of a challenge for me too. Being the creative no fun mom that I can be at times, I threaten them with if you can’t get ready for bed in a timely manner, then I am not going to read ANY books to you. My son was 6 and my daughter was 3 at the time. Neither one of them had any concept of “timely manner”. My daughter took I won’t read ANY books to you as NEVER reading to you again. My husband captured her wailing through the house saying over and over, “Mommy won’t ever read books to us again! Mommy won’t ever read books to us again.”
For a few weeks, I didn’t have any trouble getting them ready for bed in a “timely manner”.
At times, some people in the program have too much of an opinion…..to which I may have responded…”you get to have a vote when you are the one paying the mortgage!”
Oh, where do I begin. So, so many to choose from.
Perhaps the most recent example would be my recent (clearly hormonal) diatribe to the 8th grader, upon a less-than-satisfactory math test: “Next you will be a ninth grader. A NINTH GRADER, when your GPA starts really counting. And one blown math test can wreck your semester grade, which can wreck can your final grade, which can wreck your GPA, which will affect which college you get into, which will affect your career path for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.” Nothing like a little reasoned and balanced perspective.
Ha, this reminds me of when I was in high school and chose to not take chemistry. My dad thought my entire life would be ruined. He started going on and on about how I needed to know chemistry in life and I was all “When, Dad? What could there possibly be that I would need to apply to my life?” and he paused and then said “Well, you might need to know what kind of weed killer to use and what kind of chemicals would work best!” I said “I’ll read the bottles and call you!” and guess what? I do call him with questions like that 10 years later:)
And it’s a running joke whenever a scientific question comes up. My husband will say “Well, Cara, if you had listened to your dad and taken chemistry, we would be able to figure this out.”:)
Love it! I JUST had this same conversation with my 8th grader. Word for word. Haha!!
I’ve actually said to my husband, “When you call off sick from work, you call off sick from everything. There’s no being sick in the morning and then feeling better and golfing in the afternoon.” That was the rule with school when I was growing up and apparently I expect adults to follow that same rule with work. He looked at me like I was nuts, but he didn’t argue. And that’s still our rule…unless I have work for him to do, then sick or not that honey-do list better get completed. I rule with an iron fist ;)
And speaking of staying home sick…there were rules for that too growing up. You get to stay home if you have a fever or if something is uncontrollably coming out of either end of you. If you have a cold you get sent to school with a box of Kleenex, a jar of Vicks vapor rub to huff between classes, and a baggy of cherry Luden’s cough drops…spread those germs all around ;)
Of course all the specific “no-nos” are escaping my mind at this time but I often follow up a phrase like “We don’t smear our pizza across the table” with an “And really I think that should just go without saying from now on. It’s a good life lesson, don’t smear pizza on the table.” The last part is all for my benefit to try to make myself laugh about it and to make my husband laugh. My just barely three year old doesn’t necessarily see the humor yet:)
The best conversation I was ever a part of happened at my friend’s house when there were about six of us there all with infants between 2 and 6 months of age. Someone says “There’s vomit on the floor here. Whose is that?”
Someone immediately said “Sentences you never thought you’d say.”
And someone else followed up with “After college.”
Parenting is hilarious:)
Oh and happy birthday!!!:)
Oh another “mom moment”: I was having a rough day the other day. Nothing abnormal was going on, but I was just finding just about everything to be incredibly annoying. And I knew it was all about my attitude and nothing to do with my three year old. So when I found myself speaking a little shortly with her, I said “Mommy’s going to go have a timeout now.” We had been in my room, so where to go? I marched into her room and plopped down on her bed.
She came in about 30 seconds later and said “Mom! You cannot have a timeout in here! This is MY room!” in this voice of “What the heck is the matter with you, woman?!”
Snapped me right out of it as I cracked up laughing and said “You’re absolutely right. You have timeouts in your room, not me!”:)
This past April 1st, my 4 and 5 year olds really grasped the fooling, and we had been joking and pranking all day. Great fun. So after a lil Target trip we hopped in the van and I said, “Buckled up babes, we’re going to Disney World!”. Ohhh very quickly I realized I had made a grave, grave mistake. They were jumping up and down just like on those dadgum commercials. So I left the lot with crying children. Oops! Sheesh, can’t they take a joke?! :)
anytime i tell my kid, “finish all your hot dog then you can have dessert” is just plain ridiculous. i mean, ice cream would be better than having them eat the “stick-o-random-and-unmentionable-animal-parts”.
actually, i have so many to choose from (many that really do make me sad), but the most recent was whispering to my 5th grade daughter at lunch last week that i thought skyler (who was within my line of sight and probably earshot) was the cutest boy in her school. she laughed and so one of her friends at the table asked what she was laughing about. she said “my mom thinks skyler is cute” at which point i realized i could get kicked out of the school for proclaiming a “crush” on a fifth grade boy. not to mention, humiliate my daughter. and maybe even cause my husband to raise an eyebrow. maybe one of these days i will learn to keep my mouth with my kids. and others.
I was making sandwiches for my children when one of them asked me to cut the crusts off. I didn’t even think about it, I just automatically replied, “you have to eat the crust, that’s where all the vitamins are!”. And you know, it took me until that exact moment to actually think about the fact that my own mama had been lying to me this whole time! I had never given it a second thought (and continued eating my crusts as an adult even though everyone knows they’re the worst part of the sandwich!) but as I passed those “words of wisdom” down to my children, I had to keep myself from busting up laughing as I realized they weren’t actually true!
I just realized that fact this year! I said to my husband “Why does everyone make a big deal about the crusts?! It’s the same as the rest of the bread, it’s just on the outside!!!” I can’t believe it took me 28 years to realize it;)
HBD2U!!
When my kids were about 7 and 11yo (girl,boy) we were on the way home from NC to TN. with still hours to go, they were arguing and picking at each other. I had enough of it. I said “that’s it, I’ve told you enough, we ARE NOT going to Dollywood now” (husband looks at me like “what??”) “please, please…we PROMISE we’ll be good,please can we go….” No, I’mtired of you not listening ,and you’ll just do it again. Sit there and look out the windows and think about you are missing”(both fell asleep!) ) PS Dollywood wasn’t even open, it was probably Feb!! ( I had just happened to see a billboard, and it just popped into my head , and outta my mouth!) They still don’t know about it (16&20) I’m MEAN!!
Hahaha!
I work with children who are visually impaired and I found myself saying to one of them when he was caught playing on the internet during one of his classes what my mom always used to say to me (I’m also visually impaired) after I tried to do something that I thought nobody would see: “Just because you can’t see them, doesn’t mean they can’t see you.” I’m sure he was just as delighted to hear those words of wisdom as I had been as a kid.
I don’t have kids, but I have friends who do. I can’t tell you to worst thing I said, because it was sooooooo bad. Much worse than the bridge to fun. But I can share this one, said to a three year old girl by her mama when she (the girl) was trying to eat the hair on my head:
We don’t eat other people’s hair. Please eat your own.
I just thought of some more…
One of the kids will step on something like gum in a parking lot and I’ll say, “And THAT is why we don’t lick the bottom of our shoes!”
I’m also famous for saying, “Quit it, or I’m going to sell you to the gypsies!” Which, honestly, is better than what my grandmother used to say to my mom and aunt: “I’m going to beat you until the blood runs down your legs.” (Shudder!)
Once when my daughter was little and wasn’t listening, I told her that if she wasn’t going to use her ears to listen then I was going to take her ears and give them to a deaf child who would actually use them.
It’s awful, I know!
Yesterday I was at Sam’s pricing out some potato salad we need to buy for a church luncheon we’re having, and my 5yo daughter was like, “Ew, I don’t LIKE potato salad.” This was after hearing her say “Ew” about pulled pork, chicken salad, and baked beans. I’d had it. So I said, “You’re not allowed to say ‘Ew’ about something ANYMORE unless you’ve actually tried it! I’m tired of hearing you say that!”
Then last night she was sitting on the couch with my hubby playing Wii and eating beef jerky (there’s so much wrong with that statement) and asked me if I wanted a piece of beef jerky. I said, “Ew, no thanks, I don’t like beef jerky.” She narrowed her eyes at me and goes, “You’re not allowed to say ‘Ew’ until you’ve actually tried it!” I tried to explain I’ve had it in the past and didn’t like it but she wasn’t having it. She was determined to get me to take a bite. I refused and finally went and put her in the tub. I’m sure my avoidance of eating the jerky will come back to haunt me next time I need her to try a food. She remembers everything (and uses it against me!).
Happy Birthday!
My kiddo is now 26 but when she was three, she threw a holy fit in the dollar store and I promptly took her out. My rule – no shopping if there were fits thrown.
She was crying as I put her in the car and I told her she needed a nap. She said, “I NOT ‘sweepy’…my eyes are just CRANKY!” As cute as it was, I told her to hush it or her BUTT would be cranky as well, lol.
Oh, and I may have said one time…and one time only…”Boogers are NOT a food group”! :-)
Happy birthday!!! October 3rd was my birthday, too. I think I’m older than you, so that makes me 29!!
Probably the funniest thing I said to my kids (which they believed!) was that I had eyes in the back of my head and I knew what they were doing…always! They were fascinated about the concept of eyes in the back of one’s head, and sometimes I caught them looking at my back-of-the-head region very carefully. They are grown now, but they believed that about me for some time.
In trying to get my stubborn son (5 at the time) to brush his teeth, I said: “If you don’t brush your teeth they will all fall out!” He promptly responded: “Great! Then the Tooth Fairy will come!” That one backfired on me!
OH! The tooth fairy we use doesn’t pay for teeth that have fallen out due to hygiene issues. They’d better be healthy, clean teeth or you’re out of luck!
I know I tweeted you birthday wishes but happy birthday again.
Just the other night I had to ‘spank’ my 4.5 year old. She was not minding me when I told her like 12 times to get out of the shower. So I popped her bare bottom. She whined a minute and then said, “Mom! That hurt!”
Me: “That was the point, now get out of the tub!”
I am such a cruel mother. But the bridge to fun seems to have crumbled long ago in a toddler induced earthquake.
BTW, my love language is also mani/pedis. Got myself one for my birthday last month! We are so BFF’s!
Dear Boo,
I laughed when I read your post from yesterday (Happy Belated Birthday by the way!!). A few years ago I found myself in a similar situation. My son was balking at doing his homework and he was sitting at the kitchen table. I was cleaning up the dishes from supper and was trying to help from across the room. He began to moan that he didn’t like school and homework and he didn’t care how he did. At which point, the proverbial MOTHER SNAP! I started in about what not finishing school and what kind of life he could expect to lead and how he’d be working at McDonalds (at this point I’m getting ALOT of dishes done because I’m on hyper mode) and he wouldn’t be able to get married because he wouldn’t be able to afford a family and I was going on and on and on and when I took a breath – he said – I like Burger King better.
And then I laughed until I cried and perspective was once again alive!!!!
Hope your day was happy!
My 3 1/2 year old son often has me saying things that I wish I never had to say. There are some days when I think it would be quite humorous to have an audio recording of all that I have to say as his mom! Among my favorites:
-“Don’t run with your eyes closed.”
-“We don’t eat sand.”
-“You have to wear clothes in the car. If you don’t we will get in trouble with the police.”
-“If you try to unbuckle your car seat one more time I’m going to take you to the police station and you’ll have to talk to the police puppet.” (an animatronic police puppet that he is terrified of)
-And lastly, from the glorious days of potty training, when he was insisting that he was DONE and needed to GET OFF THE POTTY!: “Sometimes when a little piece of poop comes out it means a big piece is about to come out next.”
to my two year old boy: “sweetness, mama needs you to tone the crazy down.”
I’m not a mama (yet), but I am a 2nd grade teacher and I hate to provide BREAKING NEWS, but sometimes sweet angels (whom I do love dearly) don’t act that way all the time in class. :-) So there’s been a time or two I’ve said something (as a 23 year old-2nd year teacher) to one of those precious kiddos that I don’t know to be proud of or ashamed of.
My favorite? If a child is blatantly lying to me about something they did or I question if they are, I point to the ceiling where there’s this little object in the corner that is NOT in fact a recording device and say, “So you’re telling me the video tape will back up your story? Well let’s just go to the office and watch it together in the Principal’s office.” Every time so far I get, “Well I didn’t MEAN to…” or something to that effect. ;-)
Now when a kid actually calls my bluff, I’ll have to say the principal is at a meeting or something…
Happy Birthday a day late! Chuy’s is yummy.
All parents say silly stuff ass kids grow up. I wish Blake was still little so I could take the fun bridge away from him. haha
He is now in his 2nd year of college and this year doesn’t have much time for fun with or without a bridge.
Although I have thought it hundreds of times in the last 4 years, but never said it out loud, I couldn’t handle the frustration of wrangling a slippery 19 month-old into his shoes and blurted “I’M BIGGER THAN YOU ARE! What’s your plan here, kid? This ends with you wearing your shoes!” and then thanked the Lord silently for making parents physically larger than their offspring.
My finest parenting moment was about a yr and a half ago. My very “all boy” 3 yr old had a wooden toy gun and was telling his 8 yr old sister she was a deer and kept “shooting” her. She is yelling “Mom, tell him to leave me alone!” Before I knew it, these words came out of my mouth: “Just let him shoot you and then he’ll leave you alone”. My husband looked at me and I realized what I had said :) I guess I was shooting for the Mother of year award that day!
Although I had thought it hundreds of times, I had never said it out loud until one day when I couldn’t handle the frustration of wrangling a slippery, screaming 19 month-old into his shoes and blurted out, “I’M BIGGER THAN YOU ARE! What’s your plan here, kid? This ends with you wearing your shoes!” and then silently thanked the Lord for making parents physically bigger than their offspring.
Sadly, I have probably scarred my girls for life because I have turned into my mother and busted out the “are you trying to get me sent to the crazy hospital because your behavior is going to send me there”. Of course my mom used Bryce but sinks it’s not there anymore and don’t know about it I just use crazy hospital!
Happy Birthday!!
The best one I remember saying (so far, I mean my first kiddo is only 3!) was when my daughter was trying to tell me she was going to do something I had already told her no to and she happened to be holding an octopus bath toy. So she said that Mr. Octopus SAID SHE COULD. My response? (a rather a high volume since this had been going on for awhile and I was frustrated): “Mr. Octopus did NOT say you could and Mr. Octopus is NOT IN CHARGE!” Clearly an excellent response. :)
Was out of town yesterday, so I missed your birthday, but “Happy Birthday!!” anyway!
And my best parenting cliche? “You ARE going to have fun whether you like it or not.” Yeah, I said that.
One of my worst moments was catching myself in the grocery store telling my child – “NO! You may NOT have a banana! (because they hadn’t been weighed yet – that would have been STEALING) JUST HUSH UP AND EAT YOUR COOKIE!” Sigh.
Happy birthday! May your year be full of blessings!
I told my unruly 12 year old boy that I would pack for him if social services would please just come by and give me a long needed vacation. Poor kid turned white, yet amazingly got his attitude back in line.
I have many, many, many tales i could tell. But I’ll just choose one. We were living in a developing country in the Sahara desert (Mauritania) where most of the population is very very very poor. One day my then 7 year old was complaining that he didn’t want to go to school. I pointed to men, dressed in rags, who were digging a ditch in 115-degree heat in the full sun, and told him THAT was his option if he didn’t finish school. Cuz that’s pretty much his only option, right?, for this very academically-oriented child from America… I have a very firm grasp on perspective.
I forgot to say HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!! :) 27 is an awesome year ;)
A girlfriend of mine tells her three kids this little gem:
“I will wear you out before you wear me down!”
(I’m not a spanker myself, but she sure as heck is!)
I’ll tell on my mom. Insisiting that a younger brother eat something he didn’t like at dinner, she said something about “starving children in China.” Brother’s reply, “Name two!” (Yes, he ate it!)
Every so often my now 7yo daughter will point out the street I pulled over on and threatened to “give her something to cry about”. She was about 3-4yo when that happened. Why is THAT the kind of stuff she remembers?!?
My 6 year old was complaining about how long it was taking her to clean her room the other day (which totally points to that she has way too much stuff—but that is another conversation). I told her..”wait until you become a mommy and you have to clean the whole house, do laundry, buy groceries, cook dinner, clean up dinner, and (in my case) work to make money”. She VERY quickly said, “My husband will do all of that.” I said, “well, what are you going to do?” She said, “I am going to pick 1 thing a day to do, and he will do the rest.” Of course my response was, “good luck with that–cannot wait to meet him.”
We were on our way to play miniature golf and my husband was smack talking to the kids and saying he was going to win. My 8 year old son piped up from the backseat, “Daddy, everyone is a winner!” My husband replied, “Sorry buddy, that’s just what they tell kids to make them feel better.”
I kid you not!
Oh, my. My 3 year old provides me with plenty of entertaining things to say:
We don’t put food between our toes.
We don’t eat rolly pollies.
Put down the bug before I can pick you up.
No, I will not get that spider for you. Daddies get spiders. Mommies do not.
I’m sure there are so many more!
You were born on a most wonderful day. I know this because it’s my birthday too.
I actually told my one year old that polite girls don’t pick their noses or pick anyone else’s nose either.
She giggled and then dug in a little deeper – to MY nose.
I don’t have any funny kid stories. :( Mine are teenagers now & clearly, I’m no fun.
Chuy’s related, though…have you tried any of those new daily specails they’ve had for a few weeks? The Thursday one…oh my! We were just there for lunch today but we’re gonna have to go tomorrow just so I can have the Thursday special.
You & another blog friend from Tuscaloosa & I are gonna have to meet up there sometime!
Well, I can’t beat the finger in the butt weapon, but I am shocked at how many times I have yelled out my open back door “Put your p*n*s back in your diaper and stop peeing on the deck!” to my son, who will NOT pee in the potty for love nor money.
When my son was younger he had what we called an over-active gag reflex…really he could make himself throw up at will. We christened just about every place we visited…the zoo because the animals smelled yucky, the dentist office because the polish was nasty, grand opening of Costco because he thought he saw someone spit their food out…
One night I served some raw red pepper strips with dinner. He was going to have nothing to do with that. The rule in our house is you have to eat a little of everything, so he got one pepper strip. He ate it quickly and then promtly ran to the bathroom to throw up. I followed him with another red pepper strip, placed it on the sink and told him, “WHEN YOU FINISH THROWING UP THE FIRST ONE, YOU CAN EAT ANOTHER!”
“No, young lady, you will sit there until you finish your donut.”
Just yesterday I had occasion to say to my four year old:
NO! We do not lick ANY PART of the elevator!!!!
This one was a joint effor with my husband and me. We have quite a wonderful partnership that way. We were told last year that the standardized tests my fifth grader would take at the end of the year would be used in determining what math class he got put in for his seventh grade year. On the morning of the test, as he walked out the door to school, my husband says, “Do good on that test so you don’t end up in class with all the paste-eaters in seventh grade.” My boy looked mildly concerned but just shook his head. When we got his results earlier this school year, the poor kid actually asked, “So Mom, am I with the paste-eaters or not?” The reply from his fabulous mom, “Eaters…no. Sniffers…possibly.”
Nutritionally Challenged Parenting:
My husband was an area supervisor for 5 McD’s (a jillion years ago) and one day we were having lunch with him. I actually said to my two little ones, “You cannot have your ice cream cones until you finish your french fries!”
However, the best (worst) one I’ve ever heard was uttered by my dear friend, Mary Kay: Easter Sunday morning (years ago) she told her 3 young boys, “No Easter candy until you eat your doughnuts!” Doughnuts are their traditional Sunday morning breakfast food.
One year when we only had two children (we eventually had 4) I was riding in a station wagon with a 3 year old, 2-6 year olds, a 7 year old and an 8 year old; along with my BFF and her husband. The kids were all singing Jingle Bells over and over and over and I thought I’d go out of my mind in that confined, small space. So I declared then and there that “THERE WILL BE NO CHRISTMAS MUSIC BEFORE THANKSGIVING!!!!!” My BFF and her hubby laughed until the tears were flowing, which caused much hilarity with the kids. To this day, we chide each other (23 years later!) about the Christmas music thing. Even my kids who weren’t born yet when I made that famous declaration talk about it like they were there. My son told me last week it was time to get out the Christmas music; and his sister confessed that she alreay had!!! Makes me smile now…
And they’re right. Somedays you just need some Michael W Smith “Christmastime”…
My favorite bad parenting comment was to tell my three year old to stop eating her vegetables and to eat her french fries!
My son was in a swimming class that he absolutely hated that also just happened to be non-refundable. Every week I had to drag him kicking and screaming through 5 doors to get to the pool and then he had to sit on a turtle mat before class started. One day, somewhere between prying his hands off of door number one through three, I totally lost my cool. He was hanging on to me screaming like a banshee. I looked at him and said, “If you don’t sit on your turtle right now I’m going to…” It was at this point that I realized I had created the horrific “if you don’t X, then I’ll Y” parenting scenario. But worse, was that I realized the words about to come out of my mouth were, “I’m going to throw you in this pool!” That’s some seriously fabulous parenting, no?
My sisters and I were driving my mother CRAY-ZAY one day, and she grabbed her hair with both hands and screamed, “I am going to tear every hair out of my head and jump over the house if y’all don’t quit fighting!” I don’t know why this traumatized me so much ( I was about 5) but I started bawling and hanging on my Mom’s legs crying, “no Momma, don’t jump over the house!”
To this day ( I am 40) when I am at my wit’s end, that phrase comes to mind. It always makes me laugh when I am about to lose it :O)
Ok, I read all these last night and, LOL, they were funny! Didn’t have anything to add, seeing as how the brain had quit working an hour or two prior. Then, today, I was at the Burger King with my kids, we were in the drive thru – I glanced over at my daughter in the passenger seat and found myself saying, “We don’t cut our toenails at the drive thru, or in the car for that matter!”. Must say that is one I never thought would come out of my mouth!
Oh, I am crying with tears!! And I have to share another funny.
My sister was recently very frustrated by the cheetos fingerprints that she was finding around her house and on my neice’s clothes. While discussing this issue with her 10 year old, she blurted out, “And until you can learn to properly wipe your hands, you are grounded from orange.”
We all looked at her like she was crazy, but we waited for my neice’s departure before busting out in laughter.
oh my word, I have to share a funny story about my friend’s daughter! she is, shall we say, “strong-willed.” :) I think she was about 4 and had just really learned how to ride her tricycle. my friend said she was laying down the boundaries of where she could ride, “don’t go past the sidewalk into the street, don’t go past that tree over there…” And her daughter just blatantly kept blowing right past the boundary markers. My friend finally cracked down and said “the next time you ride past that tree you are going to get a SPANKING.” and her daughter just looked up at her and said matter-of-factly, “well, go ahead and spank me then, ’cause I got PLACES TO GO.” I’m pretty sure it was NOT funny at the time, but we DIED laughing later!!
We tell our 10 year old on a regular basis that if he makes bad grades in school (he has never made anything under a B on a report card) that he will be a garbage man. It seems to be working out for us so far!
My 9 year old recently sulked through the house, declaring in his matter-of-fact way that this was “A HOUSE OF DEATH.” Why? I made him write answers to his science questions in complete sentences. TEN COMPLETE SENTENCES. Oh, the cruel, inhumane torture! ;)
Happy Birthday!
I’m not only a parent to 3 teenage girls, but also a Pre-K teacher to 14 four and five year olds. I’m SURE I say ridiculous things every single day! The ones that get me (after they’ve left my mouth) are the ones that I realize could totally be misinterpreted by anyone who happens to be walking by my classroom.
For instance:
When teaching the correct formation of letters I’ve been know to say, “Little “p” is a tall straight stick with a ball on top. Little “b” is a tall straight stick with a ball on the bottom. Don’t let them trick you and get the sticks and balls mixed up…you will write the wrong letter.” I didn’t realize how…ummm…innapropriate this may sound till I found a colleague was staning outside my room cracking up!
I had made chicken nuggets and french fries and served raw carrots. My youngest son has always loved dipping raw carrots into Ranch dressing (still does). So he had finished his carrots and asked for more.
I actually said “No, you may not have any more carrots until you finish your french fries.” Fortunately I realized what I said and got him more carrots!
My sister and I have 6 kids between us, all ages 7 and under. Recently, whenever they’re mad at each other, you’ll hear, “You’re not my BFF!” This is always followed by wailing and gnashing of teeth from the gravely insulted party. My sister and I, on more than one occasion, have found ourselves saying, “Stop saying that! Everyone is everyone else’s BFF!”
As a fellow SEC football fan, I have a feeling you will appreciate this. I grew up a huge Georgia fan and my 3 year old , C, wanted to talk about Uga in the car a few weeks ago.
C: Mommy, I like Uga, but he’s mean sometimes.
Me: (Completely unable to stop the words coming out of my mouth) No he’s NOT! He is the nicest bulldog we know! [No offense to your own beloved bulldogs over in Starkville]
C: But sometimes he’s mean. I saw that picture of him trying to bite someone.
Me: Oh, well, yes, but he’s only mean to people who deserve it.
C: What people, Mommy?
Me: (literally growling and unable to stop the words again) Auburn people!
It later came out that she was referring to the famous shot of Uga trying to nip an Auburn player where the sun don’t shine, so maybe it was sort of appropriate. Ok, still probably not. Not good sportsmanship if you want to get down to brass tacks, but loyalties run deep in the SEC. What can I say?
I also gave her a serious talking to recently about coming out of her 45 minute dance class repeatedly to go to the bathroom and then not actually having to go. I actually said “I am paying for you to dance. Not for you to go to the potty.” My husband told me I might make a case for getting on Dance Moms with that one. i will say that it worked though!
Hope you had a great birthday!
My son at 20 months was sitting in his highchair eating dinner. Something foreign took over his body and he began thrashing around and growling like a caged animal. In the midst of his unnatural behavior, he began choking…like violently choking. Face red, veins popping, etc. Any normal parent would have jumped up and started
the hiney lick, but nope not this Mama. My response was, “See if you wouldn’t uv been acting like a fool, this wouldn’t have happened”. My husbands mouth dropped! Fortunately my baby didn’t completely understand the words coming out of my mouth.
I know I’m too late for the giveaway, but I just got around to reading some of the comments.
My twins have never been picky about veggies, but I have trouble getting them to eat main dish things. (Weird, I know.) So, one day I found myself saying, “You can’t have a snack. You didn’t eat a good dinner. All you ate was broccoli.”
Unfortunately I have witnesses to this event – Last week I was on the phone with my bff whose daughter was going into labor with her first baby. Zachary (3 1/2) kept dragging the wrought iron chairs across the pavement in front of Cold Stone, after having been a veritable heathen all day. The dragging was my last straw. I forgot to mute the phone and told Zachary, “You are on your last nerve!” I guess I got “on thin ice” and “on my last nerve” a little mixed up. It was a proud, proud moment.
When my dear son was 3 years old. He liked to run around the house naked after a bath or a shower. One day while trying to catch him , I told him if he did not get dressed the naked police would come and arrest him. “Put your hands up and your clothes on,” he ran to his room and got dressed right way. My son is 8 now and he still remembers the Naked police…