First of all, I totally forgot to draw for the winners in the Dave Barnes Stories to Tell giveaway. So here are our winners.
And who are those lucky (PROVIDENTIAL) winners?
Well, I will tell you.
258 – Deanna
122 – Robin Veazey
111 – Melissa
63 – Kelly
11 – Vicki
Y’all should have an email from me with details about how to claim your prize.
Second of all, I still don’t really know how to use Instagram.
That has nothing to do with anything, of course, but it’s a source of frustration in my life.
I believe that’s what you would refer to as a first world problem.
Third of all, this afternoon Alex and I ran by the Walmarts to pick up some drink options, among other things. The little guy wanted some lemonade, and D needed some Diet Coke, and I was perilously close to the end of my container of wintergreen IceBreakers and needed to rectify that situation immediately. I like to have at least two spare containers (packs? batches? flocks? I have no idea) of IceBreakers on hand at all times, a sure sign that I have officially lost my ever-livin’ mind. I also needed a couple of blocks (wedges? pounds? prides?) of cheese to go with my ever-growing crackers collection (please see previous sentence re: the losing of the mind), and I threw a rotisserie chicken in the cart just because it smelled good and seemed like the best way to avoid cooking anything for supper.
(I did end up cooking some asparagus to go with our rotisserie chicken.)
(Of the last 365 nights, I estimate that I have cooked asparagus 234 of them.)
(Perhaps this trend is indicative of my tendency to get in a food rut.)
(Or perhaps it’s just an iron deficiency.)
(Only time and some blood work will tell.)
After I paid for the groceries, the cashier immediately started ringing up the next person in line, so I grabbed our remaining bags off of the spinny-bag thing (and yes, I believe that is its scientific name, and no, I did not have any reusable grocery bags with me, so feel free to mock and scoff at will), put them in the cart, then walked out to the car. Alex and I were having a lively discussion about my aversion to any situation where someone is throwing up (I would explain, but you would die from boredom), and after I put the bags in the back of my car, I returned my shopping cart to the cart thingie (cart dock? cart holder? cart return?). Then I got in the car, cranked the air up to high since April has decided that it wants to be July, and we headed home.
I fear that I’m devoting far too many details to a story that is sure to be anti-climactic.
But this is really no different from, well, ever, so I will continue.
Once I unloaded the car, I started unpacking the groceries while Alex rummaged through his backpack for papers I needed to sign, and as I pulled each item out of its bag, I ran through a little mental checklist to make sure I didn’t forget anything: asparagus, lemonade, IceBreakers, cheese, ham, cheese – wait a second – HAM?
I HAVE A HAM?
Because, you see, I did not buy a ham. But there was a ham on my kitchen counter.
You can appreciate my dilemma.
After a few seconds I figured out that the woman who was ahead of me in line must have left a bag of her groceries on the spinny wheel, and in all of my urgency to get out of the way when the cashier had moved on to the next customer, I grabbed a bag that wasn’t mine. And brought home a 10-pound Smithfield spiral cut ham as a result.
All I could think of was Scout Finch when she dressed up like a ham for the play in To Kill A Mockingbird and was supposed to walk on stage at Mrs. Merriweather’s cue: “Pork!”
Thankfully Bob Ewell was in no way involved in today’s ham-related events. That would have been terrible.
Anyway, A and I hopped back in the car so that we could return the ham to Walmarts, which was so funny because it was exactly how I envisioned spending my afternoon. Nothing says “springtime fun!” like returning a ham that’s not yours to the grocery store, after all. The little guy was aggravated because returning the ham cut into his precious afternoon play time, and when he sighed for about the fourth time before we were even out of the driveway, I offered him some motherly words of wisdom that will no doubt impact his heart and his life for the rest of his earthly days:
“We HAVE to return the ham, buddy. We have to. It’s not ours. Plus, I don’t think you want for me to steal a ham right here before Easter, now do you?”
Embroider that on a pillow and put it on Pinterest, my friends.
Now to be perfectly honest, there’s not a doubt in my mind that back in my younger / grad school / early 20s days I would’ve totally kept that ham. I would’ve kept that ham, and I would’ve called my friends to come over, and I would’ve cooked that ham, and I would’ve served everybody ham for supper while I told them about how I totally lucked out because the lady in front of me forgot one of her grocery bags and HEY, LOOK AT ALL THIS FREE HAM!
Oh, shifty moral compass of my youth. I do not miss you even a little bit.
But now I’m a little older and much more sympathetic about how much a ham costs and for some reason I keep thinking of the lyrics to “Landslide” even though they have absolutely nothing to do with ham. At least I don’t think that they do. Because the presence of a ham would alter the meaning of the song considerably. And negatively, I might add.
So we returned the ham to the customer service desk, and based on the easy-breezy reaction from the cashier, I concluded that ham returns are undoubtedly more common than I realized. I had no idea – though, truth be told, I’ve never given the topic of returning pork products much thought before.
Afterwards we drove home. Again. And I spent a lot of time thinking about that ham. We didn’t know it for very long, but I believe that it changed us in deep and lasting ways.
Or, you know, not.
But the rotisserie chicken was absolutely delicious. So there’s that.
See? A happy ending.
And nary a ham in sight.
OMG… the whole sentence “Embroider that on a pillow and put it on Pinterest, my friends.” made me laugh so hard I snorted!! You tee totally crack me up!! Thanks so much for putting my mindset in a much happier place before bed my dear!!!
While I have no doubt that you took very good care of the ham while it was in your possession, I just really hope they did not put that ham back in the meat counter(refrigerator? cooler? ham dispenser?) for re-sale. I mean, who knows what that poor ham could have been subjected to while it was out on its joy ride!
Dang the refined moral compass! I’ve had to bring an item from home back to the walmarts to pay for it because they forgot to charge me (perhaps because it never made it out of my buggy onto the conveyor belt and I didn’t notice that until I was way out in the parking lot in the pouring rain and was not about to go back in the store and let my ice cream melt). The cashier thought I’d lost my ever-lovin’ mind; I told her I just had to live with myself.
Ha! Ha! Ha!—the pinterest comment! I laughed so hard I almost woke up the 8yo asleep in my bed! :)
Oh BooMama I just love your ramblin’, BUT the word “ramblin” always makes me sing songs about Ramblin in my head…for hours. Anyhoo, I love the whole shifty moral compass of my youth concept & tee totally empathise with you & the joy riding ham. Thank you for giving me giggles & grins as I sleepily wait for the washing machine to go off so I can switch the laundry out for my ohsobusy teenager to have proper/teen acceptable attire for her adventures in high school tomorrow.
Ok, who ever thought ham could be so humorous?? And, I may have to seek couples’ counseling, based on the grumbling from my husband after being awakened by my snorting & guffawing as I imagined an embroidered pillow on pinterest! If laughter truly does keep one younger , you are my fountain of youth!
This reminds me of the time…. when I had to take HAM back to Walmart!!!
I told my husband to buy Pam (the nonstick spray) and he came home with a package of (cheap) sliced ham.
hazards of husband shopping… too many to list.
That was hilarious- the Pinterest comment is my favorite :)
The tub Of fishing worms that I left at Walmart one time did not have as good a turnout as your ham. They were stuffed under the checkout along with a tub of icecream that was totally melted by the time I returned. The worms suffered a worse fate, not that it would have turned out much different for them if they had made it home with me and onto the end of my 8 year old’s fishing pole.
Thanks for the laughs to start my day!
The truly disgusting thing is that by law they have to throw away any food that is returned. :( I had to return quite a quantity of brown sugar (over purchased by a lot for a MOPS project) and the clerk informed me of this. I was so sad.
so true. perhaps my moral compass is turned in the wrong direction, but I would have totally kept that ham—-I figure it makes up for all the bags that get left at the checkout and the overcharges on sale and clearance items that I never go back to get corrected. and then there’s the throwing away thing. But then, I don’t have a youngster around for the moral compass lesson.
I definitely have empathy for someone who pays for a stinkin ham and then gets home to find no ham. That would be awful.
Once I was in a huge hurry but I needed jalapenos for dinner so I rushed in and out of Wal-Mart to get them, and my mind wandered, as it does, and when I got ALL THE WAY TO THE CAR I realized I’d left my bag of jalapenos on the spinny thing. So I ran back in and asked the cashier if she’d seen them; nope. So I ran back to the produce section and repeated the whole harrowing task. Then I waited in line for ten impatient minutes to buy more jalapenos. So someone came home with some extra spice that day.
The reference to “Landslide” while talking about ham and the “topic of returning pork products” sealed this story. I hope you are not left with any hard feelings about ham.
That happened to me the other day at Publix, only it was an extra book of stamps that decided to go joy-riding home with me…all I could think about was the poor cashier who was going to get in trouble if her drawer was off because of those stamps. I returned them to a similar situation – seems like stamp returns must be common place. I guess I expected them to give me a gold star or a honorary green smock for my honesty. ALSO, if you see Ree today, could you please tell her that I said hi. I know she doesn’t know me from Bob’s catfish, but I adore her. I would have been the first in line tonight, but my six month old baby boy isn’t quite ready for me to go to a night-time book signing. The two of you bring light to my life every day!
Loved your story…there was many a time when my babies were little that we got out of Walmart without paying for something that was on the bottom of the cart or in with my purse and baby on the seat part under a coat or whathaveyou. Sometimes I would go back in and pay for the gallon of milk or the hat and sometimes I would tell them to charge me for two milks today because the last time I was here, y’all forgot to charge me. Always, always, always explaining to the children about honesty and never taking something that isn’t ours and that no matter what…GOD sees.
I really do think there should be a pillow or a plaque that reads:
Embroider that on a pillow and put it on Pinterest, my friends.
:)
‘And nary a ham in sight’ Hmmm…now I have ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’ dancing through my head! :o)
‘We didn’t know it for very long, but I believe that it changed us in deep and lasting ways.’ You taught a HUGE lesson! You taught your son the lesson of honesty, something I wish there was more of these days.
Great job Mom!
You are a riot. And that is a good thing. I personally have been avoiding the Walmarts and am now on month 9 of my walmarts boycott, or avoidance, really. It’s a money-saving strategy. I used to go there and spend $70. Regardless of what I went there for. Groceries, $70. Toothpaste & Deoderant $70. It’s amazing how much I DON’T need now that I haven’t been going there. Anyway, I digress. Thanks for the laughter. You’re awesome.
I laugh out loud like a hyena at your posts. I think you and Big Mama are tied for the funniest and I know you’re great friends, and I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall (or just a friend in the same room, because that’s way less creepy) when y’all are together! Except I’d have to remember to bring an extra pair of britches, because I would certainly wet the ones I had on, due to laughter!!!
I completely agree :) Those two crack me up daily! They really have a way with words.
Rotisserie chicken at the grocery store is the Most Wonderful Convenience Food Item ever invented.
Hi Sophie-
I would love for you to check out my daughter Lindsey’s website. She is 12 years old and has been singing for years. She has entered a contest to win $25,000. You can hear her songs and vote on her website at
http://www.wix.com/lindseymendez/official
Thanks!
Sherry
P.S. Asparagus sounds so good right now. Have you made the white asparagus?
Just :)
Seriously, a ham? That’s the best non-purchased-thing-one-accidentally-takes-home-with-him/her I’ve heard yet. You win the award hands-down on that one.
You. make. me. LAUGH.
I love where your mind goes… I am still humming “Fresh” from the last post!
If my kid were there, I would have returned the ham brcause it was a good teachable moment. But, if it were just me, I would have kept it. Because, number one when the lady came back they would have just given her another ham and number two they are not allowed to resale returned food items, so your ham ended up in the trash. Does that make me a bad person? Of course, I probably would have had intense guilt the entire time I cooked it and ate it so maybe I’m not so bad after all.
Here I thought you were going to bring “To Kill a Mockingbird” full circle, and paraphrase Atticus by saying that if you’d kept that ham, you couldn’t have ever told A not to do something again. :) Good job, Mama.
Alex will definitely remember that ham when he comes face to face with a moral dilema in his life later on…go BooMama!!
Recent shopping trip to Belk (for myself and grandbaby). I had two plastic garment bags draped over my arm while foraging through the little girls’ wear (way too much stuff in way too small a space). Waited in line to pay for my cute little pink number for #2 granddaughter. Out the door and to the car (Note to self – my feet are killing me). Upon shifting the plastic garment bags to the other arm I noticed that I had snagged some girl’s clothing on the hangars protruding through the top of said bags…OMG-osh. I have unintentionally shoplifted. What to do but walk back into the store; walk ALL the way to the kiddie dept. and return the ‘stolen’ goods. It is physically demanding to be honest. But it IS a lesson if to no one but me!
This made me laugh. Just what anyone wants to do on a warm day,going to Walmart once in a day is way more than I want to do say nothing about having to return something. Then to have the casier not be appreciative about it makes you wonder why you try to do the right thing. Don’t get me wrong I would also take it back but I am with your son , not without a grumble.
Damn, I lost sausage that way last weekend! Of course, I threw away the receipt, so there was no way to prove the person in front of my made off with my hot sausage (I am NOT snickering at any sausage related innuendos) and none was returned… so no sausage for me. Wah wah.
Loved this story! Ham stories are awesome. Once a dear friend tried to bring us a ham during a time of family crisis. Only he took it to my mother’s old house instead of the place where she had recently moved, and of course she wasn’t home at her old house. So he took it to a neighbor and left it there. He called us several times to be sure we had claimed our ham. But frankly, we were overloaded on food, and going to the old ‘hood to pick up a ham just was not on our Crisis Central to-do list. My mom came up with the best response to him: “It’s all been taken care of.” She’d written the thank-you note. Everything she needed to do about that ham had indeed been taken care of. :)
While in college a male friend went to a movie and the cashier gave him change for a $20 when he paid for with a $10. He came back loving how lucky he’d been. I couldn’t believe it! In my frustration of trying to convince him that he needed to give the money back, I blurted, “Fine! If you can sleep with yourself at night then so can I!”
Ooops.