It seems like whenever I start a new Bible study or “faith journey,” God allows me to experience certain events that break me down a little bit. I figure that He knows my tendency to try to do stuff in my own strength, and just in case I forget, He finds ways to remind me that I cannot do anything apart from Him.
Last Saturday we had a rough morning at our house. I wrote about it here. But what I didn’t mention then is that by the time I strapped A. in the car to go to the grocery store, I was in rare form. Tense. Terse. As Stacy would say, “tacky.” There was no good reason except for the fact that I wanted some uninterrupted time to read everyone’s LBY posts, but you don’t really get uninterrupted time with a three year old in the house (I feel somewhat guilty saying that, seeing as how some of y’all have four or five kids and seem to handle all of them with great patience and grace), and my nerves were shot, and I got frustrated. I’m sure you can appreciate the irony of me going on a rip-it because I didn’t have time to read stuff for my Bible study. It was not my finest hour.
Once we finally left the house and got a couple of miles down the road, I turned on the radio because Alex would not quit talking and I don’t know if you picked up on this or not but I was IN A MOOD and answering 759 toddler questions was not real high on my list. If that sounds selfish, then it probably is…just know that I’m being very honest because I don’t see any point in pretending to be Christy-Christian-Got-It-All-Together when that’s not who I am. ANYWAY, who do you think was singing when I turned on the radio? My dear, sweet, close personal friend Chris Tomlin (ahem).
About four measures into “How Great Is Our God,” my eyes started to fill up and my heart started to give way. If you’re not familiar with the song, here are a couple of verses:
“The splendor of the King, clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice, all the earth rejoice
He wraps himself in light, and darkness tries to hide
And trembles at his voice, trembles at His voice.
Age to age he stands, and time is in His hands
Beginning and the end, beginning and the end
The godhead, three in one – Father, Spirit, Son
The lion and the lamb, the lion and the lamb.
How great is our God
Sing with me
How great is our God
And all will see
How great, how great is our God.”
Needless to say, by the time I heard the chorus, I was teary weeping bawling my eyes out. Good thing that’s not, um, terribly personal information or anything. But I was, y’all. Bawling.
About that time Alex spoke up from the backseat, and in the sweetest little voice he said, “Mama? What are you doing?”
And here was my answer: “Being broken.”
The process of being broken is rarely fun, but I think it is a part of what Beth refers to as “pouring out.” When we pour out everything to God – including the tears from the deepest parts of our hearts – we empty ourselves before Him. By doing that, we enable the Holy Spirit to come in and do the work of “restoration and regeneration” – the “pouring in.” I love Beth’s comment that we cannot continually feed the flesh and expect to live in the Spirit – because those two things are mutually exclusive. I had such an “ah-ha” moment about that while watching the video…it makes perfect sense that if my emotions are clogged with bitterness and frustration and sadness, there’s just not a whole lot of room left for the Holy Spirit to move.
There is so much I want to talk about…how God used Saturday’s brokenness to prepare me for Monday’s and Tuesday’s conversations with a struggling teenager, how I realized that my lack of discernment in certain areas is because of some spiritual immaturity in those same areas, how Day Four reminded me of the people who have poured out Biblical wisdom into my life (I’m going to write about that later this week…I can’t NOT write about it).
But here’s the bottom line for me: I am so grateful, so humbled, that the Spirit of the Living God can fill me up. Not because I’m worthy, but because He’s faithful. The Creator of the universe, the Lord of heaven and earth, loves us so much that He gives us the Holy Spirit to prompt and to guide and even to intercede. That blows me away.
I pray I never get over it.
“How great is our God
Sing with me
How great is our God
And all will see
How great, how great is our God.”
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Thank you for being so open and honest in this post. I am crying as I write this, that you are willing to share with us so that we can learn and grow, too. All worldly things aside, this is the essence of what it means to live the Christ-ian life. To be made over in the image of Jesus every day, moment to moment. We might as well be honest before Him, He looks on the fleshy tables of our hearts anyway, not the masks we show the world. I am constantly in awe of the ways He reveals Himself to me every day…..Even in a blog that you make available for His glory. Thank you again, you blessed my heart. :)
What a special, personal post.
I hear you on the frustrations with children. I daily battle what I WANT to do with what I NEED to do for my children. God has really been breaking down my heart these last couple of weeks, too.
And I’m finding myself less frustrated at times when my boys normally drive me nuts. That HAS to be God working in me, I can’t find any other reason. ;)
This statement really got me: “Not because I’m worthy, but because He’s faithful.” Thanks!
Oh, Daddy-God, we are so very grateful that you can fill us up with your Spirit–“not because we are worthy, but because YOU are faithful.” Oh yes!! Thank you for so pointedly teaching this to BooMomma this past week. I echo her in asking you to help her never get over it–oh and the rest of us too. Help us to ever and always be blown away that you would intercede on our behalf! How truly great You are, God!!
I look forward to coming here and reading your honest and open posts. Thank you for that. One blessing of this study I didn’t consider what getting to know each other’s hearts as we are already. Yours is a blessing! :)
And thank you Amanda for your wonderful prayer.
Ahem – I guess it was a week for broken spirts. I had one of those days on Thursday *sigh*. You know I like the moments in the car when listening to some music and have a cleansing cry…I know it sounds weird, but always feel very close to God when I have those moments.
Thank you for sharing :).
Wonderful insights! Thank you so much for blessing us this way. Enjoyed the video snippet, too!
I understand this exact scenario. God very often uses music to break my heart so that I can yield it to him. That song in particular. Whew. When you get to the end and the instruments drop out and the audience is just singing their guts out and so are you, you just can’t help but feel completely connected to God! And broken.
How awesome, that God reached out to you through your radio and gave you the connection that you had been longing for!
LM passed on your blog…you definitely have a gift. So glad to see you are living out “to whom much is given, much is required”. I am nearing the end of the LBY study and while there have been painful parts, it has been so fab….
I so hear you on the kids part – I had to stop three timew just whil reading this post because of one 4 year old at my house…….
Anyway, thank you for being so open and honest. It helps me to realize there are others that are really there, and I am not alone.
This post really touched my heart. I mean really. Those times as you described when I’ve been broken and brought to tears by God through a song such as the one you mentioned are so cleansing. Is there anything like a good cry with God?
Thank you so much for sharing this.
For the pst two weeks, I have been struggling with these little “fits of rage”. I find myself getting really angry when my four year old son is driving me nuts or when I get upset with my husband. I feel intensly angry. Now the fact that I have been having some serious sleep disorder issues does make it worse, but still it has seemed odd to me why the last two weeks I ahe been so easily angered. (Often also brought on by my desire to get my LBY study done or visit other’s blogs and read what they are learning.)
I have continually heard Beth’s teachings in my head as my mood starts to go. I know I need to confess, pray and allow the HS to fill me. Satan sure is keeping close tabs on me though – challenging me every step of the way!
I have had a few tear moments myself – adn i agree a good car cry can be very healing.
I am so glad that you received healing and renewal that day. And I pray that you will be continually encouraged and restored.
Thanks so much for visiting my little baby blog and commenting. It means so very much to me. i really appreciate your thoughts and your time. I know we are all so very busy.
I really like that song and it almost always will change my “mood” lol. I don’t know if it helps but I think no matter how many kids you have, you will have a bad day (or week or month) at some point. Anyone who says otherwise is lying lol!
Thank you for sharing!
thank you so much for such a wonderful, open, honest post. I loved it and it really touched me – right where i am!
Wow! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it right into my grave… music touches the very core of me! I just don’t know what it is, but it does!
And, it’s just beautiful that you took a “not a blessing” moment, and allowed Him to turn it into a blessing!!!
How Great is our God… sing with me!
You post was so real, I can identify with you on so many things. Thank you for your honesty.