Janna’s comment about whether or not mamas like to talk about topics other than kids reminded me of this article, which I’m pretty sure I forwarded to some of y’all last year when I first read it. (By the way, the article is a little “worldly” in terms of its description of marriage and all that goes along with marriage, so consider yourself warned.) :-)
But I think it raises an excellent question on top of Janna’s question, which is this: do we live in a society where people put their children before their marriages?
I think we do. And is that why we find ourselves talking about our kids so much? Because we give so much to that part of our lives that it supercedes everything else?
Now I totally get why people would say that the kids should come first. I get why people say that I should sacrifice myself and my identity for the sake of my child. And I do believe that God expects me to take my job as Alex’s mother very, very seriously, because 1) He called me to do it and 2) it’s a job that has eternal consequences.
But I think my first priority within my family – with God at the tiptop of the heap being a given – has to be my husband. And I think that for several reasons.
First, I think we do Alex a disservice if we put him at the center of our universe. If we sacrifice our relationship for his convenience, then I’m not sure how anyone comes out ahead in that deal.
Second, we want our child to see a loving, committed relationship between two people who genuinely enjoy one another. That kind of relationship doesn’t happen unless you put some work into it.
Third, if we put everything into Alex right now and nothing into our relationship with each other, what in the world will we be left with when the chick (or chicks, if that ever happens) leaves the roost?
And I recognize that all of those reasons are so much easier said than done.
Sometimes it’s so tempting for women to say, “You know what? I give everything I have to my children. And they touch me all day and pull on me all day and need me all day, and I don’t want for one more person – even my husband – to need me.” I have been there. I have no doubt looked at David like he had horns growing out of his head when he has snuggled up next to me after a particularly challenging childrearing day.
But just because I feel that way doesn’t make it right. Someway, somehow, I have to save room for him. I have to save a little room for me, too.
Last year when I emailed my friend NK the article that I linked to at the beginning of this post, she and I had a lengthy conversation about the author’s comment that she’s not “in love” with her children. I think that’s one area where we either disagree with her or have a serious semantics issue. Because I am in love with Alex. Most people I know are in love with their children. I don’t know how you could NOT be. Granted, it’s a different kind of love than what I feel for my husband. It’s like apples and oranges…both are fruits, both are good for you, both are delicious – but they’re just not the same thing (now is when I definitely wish I was better at analogies).
NK said that the reason her love for her children and her love for her husband are so different is because she relates to them differently, and I like how she explained herself. She said, “I have so many hopes and dreams for my children. But most of MY hopes and dreams are with my husband. The love is just as strong on each side…but it’s not the same thing at all.”
It’s a crazy balancing act, it is.
So to answer Janna’s question: yes, most women do like to talk about more than just their kids. Personally, I love to talk about my husband, and family, and friends, and books, and churches, and television, and music, and blogs. :-)
But it just occurred to me, as I finished that last sentence, that by the time I take care of David, and take care of Alex, and take care of me, I don’t have as much time as I’d like for the rest of items on my “favorite topics” list, and I should probably go a little easier on my sisters who are also in the parenting trenches, especially in regard to what they talk about at birthday parties.
It’s probably not a wise idea to hold other women to a conversational standard that I can’t even achieve myself.
I know that some people who work outside their homes have to make a conscious effort not to bring the office or their place of work home with them. We as mothers are no different. We tend to talk about what is taking up most of our time and thoughts. But just like we may make a conscious effort not to bring our work home, we can make a conscious effort to bring up topics unrelated to our kids to talk about either at home, or at outings with other parents. In other words, no shop talk concerning the kids, or, touch on the kids, then move on to unrelated subjects. If the conversation ends up back on the kids, change the subject and steer it in another direction.
I love my daughter, but she is about to go off to college, and start a mostly independent life of her own. If all Lamar and I have had in common or talked about for the last 18 years was Jessica, where does that leave us as a couple? Lost, and on shaky ground, marriage-wise. I married my husband, and my daughter is a product of that love, my marriage was not a product of deciding to have a child.
It’s late, and I’m getting kind of spacey, thought-wise, but I hope I am making sense to someone besides me. ;) I’ll read this again tomorrow and see if it’s totally goofy, LOL. :)
I loved your apple orange analogy. It made great sense to me. Diane’s comment about make a concious effort not to talk about kids at times is great.
As a teacher turned stay at home mom, I am learning that just because I stay at home doesn’t mean my life can’t have other facets than just my children. And while I get that, many in my life just don’t, they think my life HAS to revovle around my children. That is where my frustration lies.
I think it’s something you said in your comment in the previous post….It’s easy.
At least for me, it’s easy in a group setting to talk about kids. Especially if the group isn’t people I’m close to. I instantly know of that connection between the mothers. (However, that’s probably the point at which people without kids, instantly feel like the odd man out.)
Also, having three kids, like you said, just makes it harder for me to have much time for anything else besides all of the demands. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have any other interests, or that my husband isn’t my priority. It just means that my entire day is spent juggling their needs.
But I do desire to talk to women on a different level. This post and the discussion in the previous post has got me thinking….hmmm.
I think this is a great topic. Personally, I have found (like Addie) that those people that I talk to about my kids and only my kids are people I just don’t have a lot in common with. My friends that I have developed very close relationships with always have more to talk about. More specifics of what is going on with life etc. My children are immensely important to me, but I need an outlet not only with my husband, by for myself. I think these things make for a better mommy. (Not that they always happen of course, but I am always refreshed when they do!)
What a great discussion and I loved reading the referenced article too. As I think of this, I think about my mom, whose children (38, 36) have long since left the nest. Her husband works nights but she still doesn’t have any interests or fellowship with anyone but him and is, in my opinion, paying the price emotionally and spiritually for it.
I guess this subject goes far beyond what our priorities are, whether they be children, husbands or careers. Without taking time out to nurture ourselves, we won’t be at our best in supporting everyone else. Remember the priority pyramid in the bible with respect to relationships? – God first, spouse second, family third, and the rest after them? Remembering that foundation is key because without it, the whole “building” will crumble. I do worry about the “health” of our busy moms in this hectic culture.
I’m going to stop writing now. Maybe I should post about priorities on my blog. Hmmmm…..
Okay, so I’m not finished. I just remembered where I was going! :)
So…perhaps all of the conversation struggles are related to time and priorities. Because we, as women, are so pressured 24/7, it is hard to build the relationships necessary to step beyond the surface level conversation at social gatherings. Sounds like we all just need to take some weekly time out (even if it is just for an hour) to refuel at the local coffee shop with some girlfriends!