Idle Thoughts On A No-Idol Tuesday

Alex and I went to the grocery store this morning, and I had one of those gigantor lists – the kind where you have to cross off items as you put them in your shopping cart or you’ll find yourself in a swirling vortex of grocery confusion. Usually A. is in a pretty good mood when we go to the grocery store because he considers all of the check-out clerks to be close, personal friends of his, and I knew he’d enjoy getting out and doing a little “visiting” before lunch.

Once we got to the store, we were about to head into the produce section when I spotted a shopper accompanied by two other women, one of whom was carrying a small tape recorder. And I don’t know if y’all remember when I posted the link to that SNL skit about the co-workers a few weeks ago, but Tape Recorder Woman was EXACTLY like the woman with the short wig in the skit. And she was loud. Very, very loud. I know this because I heard her say, “I have a hypothesis about all the reduced-fat foods” from a distance at which her normal conversational volume should have been unintelligible to me.

I’m one of those people who has a system for my shopping, a method to my grocery madness, and as I was very methodically making my way up and down the aisles, I continually ran into the woman who was shopping with Loud Tape Recorder Woman and a companion. I even tried altering my route – skipping an aisle here, reversing direction there, but it didn’t work. Loud Tape Recorder Woman greeted me at every turn.

She was helping an adorable woman who weighed approximately 105 pounds to “shop healthier,” apparently, and the whole thing put me in a foul mood because I was shoveling things like large jugs of mayonnaise and blocks of cheese and industrial-sized containers of peanut butter in my cart. Meanwhile, Skinny Toned Woman and Loud Tape Recorder Woman were debating the advantages of stone ground whole wheat bread vs. regular whole wheat bread, and in a fit of rebellion I wanted to get a donut and cram the whole thing in my mouth as Alex and I passed by them for the 45th time so that I could hear them audibly gasp at my blatant disregard for the food pyramid and my recommended daily intake of saturated fats.

Instead I just smiled pleasantly and tried to camouflage the large cans of cream of chicken soup underneath the value packs of boneless skinless chicken breasts. ‘Cause I’m healthy like that.

And the tape recorder? No idea what it was for – unless she was documenting the contents of my cart each time I passed by her, whispering (no, she wouldn’t have been whispering, for this was a woman who has never acquainted herself with a whisper), “Whatever you do, avoid the following foods” as she listed everything I was buying. It definitely didn’t help matters that I was shopping for a big ole Southern dinner we’re doing at church Sunday night – where low fat fare definitely will not be the order of the day.

Once we got home, I told D. about Skinny Toned Woman and Loud Tape Recorder Woman, wondering what in the world they were up to, and he said, “Well, maybe her husband had a heart attack and she was learning how to cook better for him.” That could very well be. Or maybe STW wants to be even healthier – in which case I wish she’d share a tip or nine with me. But the volume of the whole exchange was a little off-putting…even down here in the South, where we pretty much holler from sun-up to sun-down.

I think I’ll fry up some bacon tonight in their honor. :-)

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  1. BooMama, that a complete stranger has become a part of my daily reading routine is something of a surprise to me. But posts like today’s are exactly why. Keep on writing, sister girl.

  2. Will it be hickory smoked, thick sliced bacon? Because if it is, if I start hitch hiking now, I should be there about Friday……maybe…….Will you save me a couple of slices? Love me some saturated fat/cholesterol laden bacon. ;-)

  3. Boo, make my bacon crispy and I like a lot of it!! :) Your post was hilarious!

  4. I like my crispy and peppered! I think healthy eating is great… but sometimes you just need an oatmeal cream pie!

  5. Your post definitely WAS hilarious! The most enjoyment I gotten out of anyone’s grocery shopping in quite awhile.

  6. And here I was wondering what you’d be posting since there’s no Idol to blog about.
    I always look forward to reading the Adventures of BooMama. Entertainment at its best.
    Of course, I am easily amused, but whatever.
    You are hilarious.

  7. Too funny! I do love bacon although I have switched to turkey bacon. My hubby is on a big eating healthy binge. Unfortunately for him, I am not on a big cooking healthy binge!

  8. Cute BM! Love me some bacon too! I prefer Wright’s brand – thick sliced! Oooh, I can smell now! Have a piece or two for me tonight will ya?

  9. I buy turkey bacon pretty often…but today, I got the real deal. And I like it fried to the point that it would shatter if you dropped it on the floor. :-) Didn’t get to fry any tonight, though, because I had a Pampered Chef party I’d forgotten about. But tomorrow, I’ll be frying some bacon – in a cast iron skillet, to boot.

  10. I’m still trying to figure out why you didn’t grab that doughnut and shove it in Loud Tape Recorder Woman’s mouth. Anyone that anal, and this comes from an expert on that subject, could use a little sugar high. And even just barely recovering from ROTAVIRUS (so awful it has to be capitalized), that bacon sounds like manna from heaven to me!

  11. Elise M. says:

    Howdy, BooMama. I’m Elise, a friend of Toni’s – or if you prefer, I’m a FOT. She pointed me to your blog a few weeks ago, and I’m now a regular reader. Girl, you had me at “ka-RAH-tay”. Don’t ever change.

  12. I was laughing all the way through this. It reminds me (depressingly) of my own life. Ha ha


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