The little man has developed a new trick!
Arguing!
I’m so not ready for it.
I’ve only noticed it in the last week or so, though he may have been arguing long before that, but it’s been so hot that I have struggled being, you know, observant. Because, I mean, if it’s a matter of staying cool or paying attention to my child’s behavioral trends, I don’t think it’s a big shock to any of us that I’ll just be nudging that thermostat down a little bit if you don’t mind ’cause it’s getting a little stuffy in here.
So yes, back to the arguing. Basically (and seriously, now), here’s the drill: about six times out of ten, if I say, “no,” – to anything, really – his reply is, “But I say ‘yes’!”
And then my head spins on its axis four times before the fury of middle earth erupts and I hiss dementedly that as inconvenient as a trip to time out might be, it’s far better than remaining in the room with me. Who’s about to lose it.
I’ll explain.
You know how there are some people who can’t take the sound of a crying baby? For whatever reason, that never bothered me. I have some strange ability to block out the crying, to not even notice it, really, unless it’s 3 in the morning. Because if it’s 3 in the morning, a feather could fall from one of Alex’s pillows and hit the carpet in his bedroom ever-so-gently and I’d pop out of the bed like a cannon. It’s a funny thing, the sensory experience of motherhood.
But just like some people can’t handle repetitive high-pitched wailing, I can’t handle sass. CANNOT. So this whole Talking Back Adventure – it makes me crazy. It shoots my blood pressure into the stratosphere, and I suddenly find that those people who suggest that you count to 10 before correcting your child’s behavior – well, they’re pretty much genius smarty pants people. Or something. Because if I DIDN’T count? If I just jumped straight into the disciplinary waters? It wouldn’t be pretty, my friends. What it would be is Meltdown Central, ALL DAY LONG.
For me. Not the child.
But wait! There’s a lesson!
A couple of days ago, after Time Out #14, after I was up to my ears in frustration because the child, he would not listen, it occurred to me, in a Big Gigantor Moment-O-Humility, that I’m really no different. That while I may have gotten to an age where I don’t talk back to my parents, necessarily, I do talk back to God all the time.
All the time.
Only with me, it’s not so much rebellious words – it’s rebellious actions. It’s selfishness. It’s my arrogant belief that even though God is clearly moving me in a certain direction, even though I know and trust that He has my best interest at heart, even though I’m 36 years old and totally get the concept that obedience brings blessing – I (figuratively) stomp my foot, put my hands on my hips, and say, “NO! I’ll do it this way! THIS WAY!”
And I wonder if maybe that’s one reason why A.’s behavior of late bothers me so much, if maybe that’s one reason why his defiance shoots my pulse rate up to 492. Because really, when I see him acting like that, it’s sort of like looking in the mirror. And not liking what I see.
There’s probably more truth in those last two sentences than I care to admit.
But you know what? There’s a little hope in that analogy, at least for me. Because I know in my heart of hearts that God’s grace and mercy know no limits. They’re boundless. Free for the asking. And knowing that truth convicts me of the fact that I need to be on my knees, every single day, asking God for the strength and the wisdom to parent with intention, so that when Alex looks at his daddy and me, he sees the same picture: two people who want for his heart to be obedient, for his will to be lined up with ours, and for him to see – so clearly – that we love him deeply, endlessly, unconditionally. For A. to see two people who have grace and mercy to spare – and who extend it, liberally, to him.
That’s not to say that Alex’s behavior won’t require discipline. Of course it will. Sometimes consequences are our greatest teachers. But I need to remember – so I’m reminding myself right now – that there is absolutely no reason that those consequences can’t be administered with grace and mercy and patience and love. Because, quite honestly, I can’t think of a single instance in my life when God has handled me any differently – stubborn though I may be.
And the trip down the long road to humility, it continues….
Boo ~
I’d like to encourage you, but we’re struggling with the same rebellion & sass at 7 1/2…so I can’t promise it will get better. But, you can take comfort in the fact that I’m the MEANEST MAMA IN THE WORLD. I have that title locked up, so you don’t have to worry that you’ll ever achieve that one!
Seriously, God has been speaking to me on the same thing. When C. calls me mean or says I don’t love her, I remember that I do the same thing to God (in a less vocal, but still pretty obvious manner). I’m so thankful for grace, ya know?!
Ah, I have a feeling I’m not going to handle that so well either. Definitely an opportunity for growth.
Awesome post!
I totally wrote about this yesterday! Not sass exactly, but about my how often my behavior must look like that of a 3 year old child in response to God’s voice.
My nephew has taken to telling my sister that she’s “ruining my plans!” when she tells him to do something. He’s three. I find it hilarious. Only because my child can’t quite sass me that well yet. But oh the day is coming. She sasses back, but it’s inaudible baby babble – but I know it’s sass. My day will come. Hopefully I can still laugh as I send her to timeout. Doubtful as it is.
Oh man. This is something I am NOT looking forward to. My little man is almost a year old, but he giggles when I spank his little hand and/or tell him no. He also shakes his head no…while doing something he shouldn’t and while being disciplined….
OY! We have it coming from all angles and I have fire coming out of my ears ALL the time. Very frustrating to feel this way. Imagine how God feels. Makes you think.
Oh, Boomama, I hate to say it but it’s the stage we’re at too. For both my kids and me and for God and me (I am ashamed to, yet readily, admit). When I see how much more maturing and learning I have to do in my Christ-like living, it does remind me that as I am not perfect – but love grace, so will my kids.
Thank you for these awesome words that are a reminder to give everyone, including me, time to change. We really do learn much from our kids.
And trust me if you do not nip it now it will be worse as they grow.
Grace, mercy, patience and love is def they key. I never wanted to dicipline at all in anger because it will make your children angry.
I still now when discipling, I use alot of Grace with my teenager now and it really helps with his whole Spirit.
I loved your post today Boomama, you are so awesome.
Oh, the dreaded reflection…..”WHERE did he learn that and WHY does he sound JUST like me when he says it?”…..yes, grace and mercy magnified, because we see just how much Grace and Mercy GOD gives us….good lessons going on over there, as painful and frustrating as they may feel. One day, you’ll both be grateful that you were consistent, and that’s the key.
My mom always says, “You spot it you got it!” I used to hate when she would say that-because it was always after I had finished complainging about someone in church, school, my husband, in-laws…you get the point. She never has let me fully bad mouth someone without pointing out that my frustration with them is b/c ultimatley I am frustrated with the same behavior in me. And just like we are not “genie’s in the bottles” to our children, God is not a “Genie in the bottle” to us! Hard lesson to learn, frustrates me to no end, but I am working at it! Hang in there with A!
this is the second “zinger” I’ve had doing my bloggy lurking… (the first was Sarah’s (In the Midst of It) post last week on “No Such Thing as Free Fruit”.) I read through both of these posts thinking “Have I BEEN THERE, girlfriend!!” and then zingy-pow – I’m knocked to the floor with a smack-in-the-face lesson…
Thank you, thank you for the reminder of God’s patience with me.
Blessings to you ~ K
JUST THIS MORNING, I told Lainee that she was going to keep hearing “no” until she learned how to respond to it properly. I don’t know if that is a good method or not, but I think that gives you some idea of how often we deal with defiance.
I am so with you girl. I am so with you.
Amen Sister!! I am old enough to be your mom and still seem to have this childish battle with the Lord. Funny thing is, I have always thought of myself as a very compliant person. However, when I honestly look at my relationship with the Lord, I see a whole lot of outright rebellion. Oh, I try to couch it in other phrases, but there it is. I am so thankful that this Christian walk is a process, and even though we may be very slow to learn some lessons God’s grace and mercy never run out.
Sister,
It’s not his fault.
He gets it honest. :)
xo,
This convicted me Boomama. Around here our latest is “I’m the boss” or “Mama, you don’t tell me what to do”. Another reminder of God’s goodness that He hasn’t put me in a major timeout.
Kinda humbling, huh?
Around here, at least for right now … as in today, it’s more about the whining. Constant, ear-piercing, make the muscles in your neck clinch whining. Oh, dear Lord, the sound of it, might just make my ears bleed.
Hang on! :D Surely the cooler air is comin!
How true….about my daughter sassing me and about me “sassing” God with my rebeliousness and stubborness.
Come quickly winter!!
Boomama,
While I don’t have kids who are sassing me, I really appreciated your thoughts on being sassy and arguing with God. At this very moment, I am struggling with that exact thing. Some things in the past 24 hours have not gone my way at all, and I’ve been pretty angry with him and arguing that this is NOT how it should be. But for whatever reason, he’s so patient with me, and I’ve given up my sass. I’ve realized that I just can’t do any of this in my own strength and I’ve got to rely on him because he is sovereign. Thanks for your post!
OOOOHHH i am in the same boat. my 4 yr old daughter is SO argumentative and just this morning both her daddy and i lost it with her because it was just too much. anything we would say, she would come back with “but this” or “well…I” and fill in the blank. excuses, arguing, complaining. all the time around here. and i love what you have said….b/c i know God uses her to remind me of my own heart, my own defensiveness, arguing, complaining! He certainly uses our children to humble us and although i hate to see the crud in my life, i’m so thankful that he can use her in order for me to acknowledge it and repent. and i’m so thankful for his ongoing grace! thanks for this post!
I posted on the topic of selfishness and stubborness today myself. It is a tough lesson to learn. Thanks for another reminder.
I am already starting to get hints of this from my daughter (as I have blogged about) at 3! It makes me crazy, too…but primarily for the same reasons you mentioned…I see MYSELF! (Only my grown up sass is more subtle and socially acceptable that her raw, carnal, sass!)
I used to get so impatient with Jessica and tell her after a marathon of her questioning a decision, “Because I said so”. What worked for us was I explained to her one time “Why” I said so, then all whining and questioning ceased. But I had to be consistent with it. Some part of her nature (unfortunately, inherited from me, along with a LOT of my personality quirks) HAD to have an explanation for WHY, or the cosmic glue that holds the Earth in orbit would come unglued and fling us all bodily into oblivion, or Outer Goobdom, whichever came first. The hardest thing for her (and me, still, at 42) was learning that God doesn’t always give us the WHY, but we have to learn to accept some things anyway. That’s one thing I seriously wish He’d get aroung to fixing, but I think it’s me that going to have to change before He does.
Give yourself a timeout when you have to, S. It seriously helps. Hope it gets better soon, but I’d say you have a long row to hoe, girl.
We had a line of storms blow through last night. It’s *only* 84 degrees right now at almost 3:30 pm. *Only* compared to the 98* at the same time yesterday. Dear old AC, keep on plugging, please. ;D
Familiarity breeds contempt? (Summer-itis?) The are BIG KIDS NOW. Look out.
Did you know that Mr. Rogers says (close to Biblical, right?), that our kids need to see us in every emotional state, and still know that they are not in danger. This brings them security and helps them learn to manage and not be afraid of their own emotion. To express it, sometimes intensely, yet not harmfully. (I assume he means: physical, emotional, or physological danger. Hard to do.)
You know, boo, I CAN think of times when God lost his patience with the children of Israel, if not me specifically! He got mad at sin and stomped his feet and had to blow some smoke out his nostrils and send fire, lightening, and plagues just to remind everyone in question: He IS GOD! Period. Patient and gentle and meedk and loving…BUT RIGHTEOUS JUDGE. GOD. ALL THAT.
I AM MOM. If we need shock therapy to be reminded on occassion…perhaps our kids need our intensity as times as much as our meekness and patience. (Not to justify unbridled anger, but controlled, frustrated emotion that doesn’t tear them down, but reminds them ALL of who we are.) I think we place unrealistic expectations on ourselves sometimes. It’s okay be mad? Maybe even helpful for them. Understanding. Undeserved mercy, at times…but justifiably mad at others.
Snapshot got me thinking on my own laxity and disconnectedness lately: Her post –http://jennifersnapshot.blogspot.com/2006/08/dull-knives.html.
Great thoughts.
Excellent post!
And it’s true…some of the behavior in my girls that drives me crazy, is behavior or flaws that I have hidden (or not so hidden) away.
Great analogy!
I find myself in the same place with two preschoolers and a baby. They stretch me to the edge of insantity some days. There shortcomings are mostly due to their age and are based on what I have adn have not taught them. Mine, on the other hand, are largely due to my disobedience to the life God has called me to live. Great post!
It’s inevitable. I’ve never known a child who didn’t hit this stage. I had a solution to this and Addie’s probablem with the whining. I tuned it out. Totally acted like the child was not there. I explained ONE time that my ears didn’t work on whining or sassing. Kids can’t stand it when they get no reaction from you.
This worked for me but if it doesn’t work for you, the one thing I can offer is this. When they’re grown and have a child of their own, they stop sassing you. Really. They do.
Funny you choose rebellious as a means to describe your nature… I have struggled with this for a loooooong time… it is a dose of humilty when you realize your kids behavior is coming from your own example. YUCK!
Consistency really is the key. Some things you can ignore (like whining), but others you have to nip in the bud (like sassiness). One is merely obnoxious; the other is defiant. Eventually, he’ll get it, if you’re consistent enough. Of course, then he’ll move on to something else equally frustrating:) These kids are going to be the death of us!!
Ah, yes how the Lord uses our children to teach us about ourselves! Very good post!
Even though I never sassed my parents ( I had a healthy fear of them) I have somehow wound up with 2 children that sass on a regular basis. I have never tolerated it and they have always been corrected/and or punished for it. But it still continues. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m just hoping one day something will mature in their hearts and they’ll be able to stop. They really are great kids other than that. Is sassing a genetic trait? Because they could have gotten it from their dad…really.
Ah, yes, this whole children teaching us things, that sometimes maybe we don’t want to learn or have been avoiding acknowledging, yes, I have been there with my children. It’s frustrating when it’s something I don’t want to deal with. It’s sad when you realize, hey, they learned it from me. It’s full of awe when you realize even a little child can teach you something very powerful. But it’s empowering because once you realize it, you can work on changing it and make things better – and that’s what I think most of are striving for – to be better people, parents, children etc, etc …
Oh yes, children are the greatest teachers of humility that there are. And the best mirrors – especially when it comes to stuff we’d rather not acknowledge about ourselves. :)
I can’t take the back talk either. I really thought it was just girls that went through that. Then I realized girls just start it the SECOND they can speak. With Mini-T it started before that. She has a “tone” when she hollars at me that I just do not like. Needless to say, she spends a lot of her day in time out. We will get through it all the while saying, “I hope you have a child just like you.” They will.
Hi Boomama – it’s Gulley – from Big Mama’s – anyway – I have been wanting to comment for a long time but I am just now high tech enough – I think Bigmama addresses it in one of her posts. I love love love your blog. In fact, you and bigmama have got me checking blogs daily now. I loved this post so much. I stopped in the middle and said a prayer that my 2 boys would look at me and see an abundance of grace, mercy, and unconditional love. Because at the end of the day, as my oldest used to say, “We always love each other because you are me family.” Thanks for inspiring me, and bringing me into blog world!
You know my daughter turned teenager at the tender age of 5, right? Yep, I’ve been dealing with this FOREVER it seems. And yes, I know EXACTLY where she got it. She is her mama’s daughter, Lord help us all.
Once in the grocery store, she was walking behind the buggy mocking me “No. No. No.” I turned around and said, “Keep practicing, honey. It’ll come in handy when you have kids.”
Oh my goodness…we’ve concluded that our baby girl will probably be one of the most successful telemarketers on the planet! Instead of accepting the first no, she dives in with the second ask and then the third and then the fourth etc etc..each time with a different approach.
My answer is not so much…”No, God I’d rather go THIS way” but more often it is “ok, Lord I’ll go and I’ll trust you….but hang on a minute”
Which now that I think about it, that very thing drives me nuts with my own kids when they do that with me.
If not for Jesus, we’d all be absolutely hopeless wouldn’t we?
Oh and the learning just goes on and on!!! The gift that keeps on giving!! ;D