Hello, How Are You, Our Internet Is Down

So earlier this afternoon I was trying to tend to a little bloggy business after Alex and I got home from some errands, and after I tried to access my email for about the fifth time, I thought, Hmmmm, perhaps something is awry with the interweb.

At which point I said what I always do when computer problems present themselves: “HUSBAND?!?! HUSSSSSSSS-BAND?!?!”

He loves it when I do that. It’s such a soothing interlude in the middle of a stressful workday.

After some basic troubleshooting, he realized that the problem wasn’t something we can fix (and by “we,” I clearly mean “he”), so he called our internet provider. They’re scheduled to be at the house tomorrow morning, and it’s pretty much a given that I will twitch and tremor with abandon betwixt now and then.

Because did I mention that the television cable is out as well? ON THE NIGHT WHEN “Top Chef” COMES ON?

And here’s the thing: I didn’t really have anything all that urgent to do on the computer tonight – just some emails I need to follow up on and that kind of stuff – but I’m telling you, the realization that I can’t access email at my house makes me a little glossy eyed. I mean, I might as well be a pioneer or something. In ye olden days.

It’s like I’m Laura Ingalls Wilder, only without the sassy bonnet and the cute, calico-print dress. And, you know, a wagon.

So about two hours into our completely involuntary technology detox, I started mumbling something about “Panera, need to get to Panera, if I could just get to Panera with the laptop I could CHECK THE EMAIL.” And lest you think I’m completely crazy, there’s a specific email I’ve been waiting on, one of those where you sort of cross your fingers everytime you hear your inbox ding with a new message, and not being able to check my email has left my OCD up the proverbial creek without, well, a high-speed internet connection.

And who would ever, EVER want to be up a creek without a high-speed internet connection? NOT MY OCD, I’ll tell you that much right now.

Anyway, after supper when I looked at D. with my left eye blinking fast enough to generate enough power for a small kitchen appliance and asked, “So. Do you want me to go to Panera now? Or after Howard’s bath? Because the email? I need to check the email,” he immediately said, “Now! You can go now! We don’t mind! You can go now!”

My OCD is fun for the entire family, as you can tell.

Of course when I finally checked my email I didn’t have The Message I was waiting on, but I did have – HOLD ON FOR THE IRONY – an email offer for telephone service from our internet service provider / cable company.

I wanted to reply and tell them how – funny story! true story! – tonight I actually had to LEAVE MY HOUSE to check my email and use the internet, so if they can promise that same level of service with the phone, then SIGN ME UP!

Oh, life is funny.

And I guess I’m going to go home now and read. Or weave thread on a loom. Or churn butter. Or something.

There’s just not a bit of telling.

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  1. I dare you to write the phone company. We should all write them.

  2. I can only assume that you were waiting on an email from me. That’s very flattering. But I haven’t emailed you. I’ve been too busy cleaning a stranger’s DNA from my lungs.

    I hope they fix the Internet tubes soon.

  3. I had that happen to me just recently after I had returned from a trip. I was drooling over all of the posts that I had to read on my bloglines when it went down. And this after a week of trying to access it all on dial-up. I know you’re feeling for me now. It was truly tragic.

    I love it that you went to Panera to check your email (and probably a few blogs while you were at it, right?). That’s addiction, I mean dedication. And trust me I know.

  4. Send Howard the His Band of Merry Pirate Men to the cable company’s public lobby.


    For like, an hour.

    That’ll teach ’em.

  5. Awwww. I’m so sorry. You know we rode through Laura Ingalls’ country and I thought we have romantisized this thing…cause they were hot! And tired! With layers of clothing that couldn’t be taken off in public! And where was the ladies room??? And tp? I think it was probably a fig leaf. Ug.

    I’m staying in the good ole days of now…as long as there some good fried chicken, right?
    Praying for you, Girl!

  6. LOL! you put into words exactly how i was feeling. we lost our internet and cable for TWO DAYS! i too needed to check my email about every 2 minutes. i was hyperventilating. it was awful. two days after it came on it was down again for about 3 hours and i thought i would lose my mind. so silly really, but i totally, in all my ADD and OCD glory, get it. :)

  7. *twitching*

    Yeah *twitch* I cannot be without *twitch* my internet service for very long either, or I start to *twitch* TWITCH.

    I feel your pain, and *twitch* recommend the phone service as well. We need more blogging fodder, don’t we?


  8. I have CDO; it’s like OCD except in alphabetical order like it should be. And I can tell you right now that I DO NOT want to be up a creek without high speed internet connection. Or a cell phone. Or bug repellent.

  9. Sounds familiar! Only I yell….. “NAAAAAATE! NAAAAAATE!”

    He has often said he cringes when he hears me call his name like that. Usually because it means I need help with something & 99% of the time it’s computer related :)

  10. girl!!!
    you are Laura Ingalls WildEST.
    i think i would’ve headed to a hot-spot asap as well! lest i have a heart attack.

  11. It’s time for a Blackberry! ;-) You’ll NEVER go without that little “ding” notifying you of new e-mail! Or…in your case…you need the I-PHONE!!

  12. “Or after Howard’s bath?” LOL

    If the swim teacher only knew the bloggy laughs she’s created by changing your son’s name!

  13. Perhaps if Pa plays the fiddle y’all can have a little excitement at your house tonight!!
    Seriously, it is my considered opinion that these services we pay good money for should never not work!! It is just way too annoying.

  14. Oh yea? Try living with dial-up for a month or two. I’ve developed a permanent tic.

  15. Oh, my sides hurt from laughing. I am not the only crazy woman who goes into withdrawal when the internet is down. I think my next computer is going to HAVE to be a laptop so I can just cruise over to the local Dunn Bros coffee shop for my fix(es): java and jabber.

  16. “It’s like I’m Laura Ingalls Wilder, only without the sassy bonnet and the cute, calico-print dress. And, you know, a wagon.”

    Not sure what’s funnier..that or the mental image of you churning butter!

  17. When something goes down here it’s “Joooeelllll.” We have internet & phone together. It’s a bit unnerving when it goes down together. I think that’s happened once. They keep trying to get us to add cable but their basic has the same channels we get over the air – what’s the point of that for $20 a month?!

    Hope you stop twitching soon. = )

  18. Chrissy says:

    Ms. Boo, you are too funny!

    Chris in Canada

  19. This happened to our family a couple of weeks ago and we thought we were back in the stone age or something. We didn’t know how to act without internet access! Technology — gotta love the addiction!

  20. I can sympathize. We have been having sporatic lapses in internet function for quite some time now, and my David (also a computer genious) called them on MONDAY, and they are scheudled to come tomorrow (THURSDAY). It was off all afternoon, and now it is back on again. I know all about the twitching eye thing. To make matters worse, we have digital phone, so if the internet is down, so is the phone! Sometimes I get a call, and 10 seconds later, I am cut off!

    Technology. Can’t live with it, can’t live without it.

  21. Maybe it’s time to go back to DIRECT TV??? LOL

    I know all about withdraw symptoms from TV and internet…

  22. Dude, I know you can’t read this until the Internet is back up, but I just called Charter for the FOURTH TIME today. Friday they will send the FIFTH TOTAL tech out (1 for “installation”) to “fix” the “problem.” Which, as I’ve told the folks on the phone many a time, is PROBABLY A BROKEN MODEM. But I’m a civilian. What do I know.

  23. When all else fails, bake another pretty cake. Because we all know that you had plenty of time to cook/bake and take pictures.

  24. I check my email so much during the day that I tried to make my OCD self do 30 sit ups every time I sat down at the computer. Habits are SO hard to break and sit ups are even harder!

  25. Email addict here too!

  26. Oops. Sorry you waited all day for my email. I completely lost track of time, what with all my emails back and forth to bff Mandisa.
    She says Hi by the way.

  27. great post as usual. Tonight I even read it to my dh, he laughed. he loved the Laura Wilder comment. and the wagon. he really laughed then.
    Thanks for giving me a funny, CLEAN place to visit every night. you are such a blessing!!

  28. What a delightfully sassy post. My sentiments exactly should I be without internet for any amount of time. It’s frightening.

  29. Boomama, I thought about this when I was reading b/c of the context:
    “and not being able to check my email has left my OCD up the proverbial creek without, well, a high-speed internet connection…”

    All I could giggle to was “up the proverbial creek without the oxen and the wagon” b/c my wagon was still in Laura Ingalls land! lol…

  30. LOL! after Howard’s bath! oh, funny, funny! And boy howdy, do I know about Internet withdrawl. I purposely make myself stay away from the computer on Sunday just to keep some semblance of control. So very hard to do, but it has helped during times of involuntary internet breaks. “Just breathe, you can do this. Its just like Sundays. Breathe.”

  31. That happened to me a few months ago, only we went 2 WEEKS without internet. It would work just about long enough for me to log on, and then it would go out before I could start a new post or download all the messages. I thought they were gonna have to put me in a straight jacket or something. Turns out, the first tech that came out didn’t know what the *#&! he was doing!

    Too, bad you missed Top Chef… I just got done watching it, and the person who got to pack their knives and go was…(internet connection terminated)

  32. I don’t even know what you look like but somehow I can totally picture you looking at D with your left eye twitching!

    Is that weird?

  33. okay, does hubs do consulting work cause I have 2 websites I can suddenly not access..Would you like to know what my 24 hour staff of highly trained isp people said? ‘gee, i’m not sure i’ve ever heard of that…’

    so obviously, they’ve totally got it under control. Of course it is called Farmers Internet. I’m thinking they shouldn’t quit their day job…

  34. Jabber Jaws says:

    Spoiler alert about Top Chef. If you are interested, Sara packed her knives. Next weekend, we are eating at Trey’s restaurant on Saturday night and Casey’s restaurant on Sunday (might be vice versa but whatever). I can’t wait and am already saving some calories! Hope you catch it in rerun.

  35. Hee! I loved your swimming lessons post re: “Howard,” and now it cracks me up that you call him Howard in subsequent posts. Too funny. And the name has been declining in popularity, so you may be on to something: http://www.socialsecurity.gov/cgi-bin/babyname.cgi

  36. Bailey's Leaf says:

    I promise that you will find something constructive to do besides the internet! You can go scrub the clothes in the river (or whatever body of water you have in the yard attracting geese), cook on the open fire in a gigantic pot too heavy for any of us internets to actually pick up, plant the crops, tend to the children and clean the outhouse all in enough time to read Howard a bedtime story!

  37. Oh No! No internet! We went without home internet for about 3 weeks (while we moved) and I went nuts. This is even while I sit at a computer at work for 9 hours every day. It’s pathetic, really. I feel your pain.

    I love you blog!

  38. Oh yeah, remember The Long Winter where the Ingalls family had to go months with no internet service?

    No, wait…oh yeah, that was FOOD.

    Well, tomato, tomahto is what I say.

  39. How funny is this? You and Fiddledeedee both mentioned how you felt like Laura Ingalls Wilder in your posts today! (www.fiddledeedee.net) I am amused because during the past two months that I’ve lived out here on the farm I’ve compared myself to Laura many many times!!!

  40. “It’s like I’m Laura Ingalls Wilder, only without the sassy bonnet and the cute, calico-print dress. And, you know, a wagon.” Oh my! You are so funny. I just love reading your blog. I know how that is when your internet is down especially along with the TV. My son tends to even freak out when that happens.

  41. Oh, honey … I’m so sorry!!! I offer you my sympathies, deep understanding, and some homemade croutons and ranch dip, or some cheddar biscuits and strawberry butter … will that help you feel bettah?

  42. Honestly, I think some days I’d unplug this computer and feign a meltdown just to go have a quiet moment at Starbucks with my laptop.

    If I had a laptop.

    And if I didn’t have a husband who is NOT technologically challenged and would figure out what I’m up to.

  43. I bet you wont get a reduction on your monthly bill either.

  44. How funny (but in a totally sympathetic way). My hubby is not a computer type guy, so when my stuff doesn’t work, I shut down a couple of times. If that doesn’t work, then I decide it’ll be better later and I leave the room. Only to return and do it all over again a few hours later. I guess since I can wait hours, then I’m not addicted, huh?

  45. You completely crack me up.
    And I covet your writing gift-
    And am considering the sincerest form of flattery
    Writing like you. . .
    or maybe even uping the ante.
    I might just start me talkin this way too!

  46. Delurking for this post. I can completely sympathize with you. Happened to us last week and after many phone calls and conversations with people in many countries, I now know how to “reset my modem.” Very proud techno moment for me!!

    I say any excuse to go alone to Panera sounds good to me!

    Love your writing and your wit!

  47. Hey, I see there is another Suzi above me, neat!

    Anyway, once again you are hillarious! I just love reading your posts!

    And when our internet is down I whine like this, Jer-e-mi-ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!


  48. Last year some careless people cut a ditch through our yard to connect some construction behind us to the grid. They cut our internet/cable/phone.
    (Great to have it all together, itn’t) It was the Friday before Auburn’s first football game (so no T.V. to watch and no Internet to listen). I was livid! My husband told the Cable people they would come fix it (even though it was not their doing) or we would find another provider. And they did, thankfully.

  49. I remember those commercials in the 80’s for Prodigy, they used to say something like… “Order flowers for Mom, order tickets for the show and shop at your favorite store all without leaving your home.”

    To which we used to shout at the TV, “Right! We will believe it when we see it, that is just for RICH people!”

    Now we have OPTIONS!

    Then, coffee was something you had at your neighbors table, now it is something you have with your iMac at Panera!

    Neighboring…it is overrated anyway!

    See there? I just DID have my coffee with my neighbor…in TEXAS!

    Thanks NEIGHBOR, for the unending laughs!

  50. LOLOL…Howard, keep laughing at that one! You can catch reruns of Top Chef. Check your listings. For a fact I know they show the one before the new one, an hour before the new one..does that make sense? Loved your post, as always.

  51. Well Boo, normally I’m one of those pioneer women who could care less about my connection (and you already know that we don’t have cable, so that’s a moot point.)

    However, when I was suffering through the lack of pictures uploading and nothing working to fix it ordeal on our vacation – on our anniversary morning, mind you – I do believe Mr. Right seriously reconsidered whether or not he wanted to be married to someone like me… at that moment… turning into Medusa while cursing Picasa. Yeah, good times, I tell you. Good times.

    Then he told me that loves me even when I act like a jerk. So I stopped being a jerk, ignored the computer and went white water rafting. Then I was back to myself.

  52. Oh No! Not the INTERNET! I hate it even when mine slows down a little and get a bit crazy if I can’t check my email every 2 minutes.

    Hope your email and Internet get up and running again soon!

  53. I am praying that at some point soon the nice little van will appear at your house and fix your internet – because it would be a shame for poor little Howard to be left with a crazy-OCDed-overloaded Mama.

    He’d likely have to learn to churn the butter himself. :)

    ~Lone Butterfly

  54. honey i think i know EXACTLY what interweb provider you have because we had the SAME problem last night! in fact, we’ve been having this problem for the past couple of nights and not only could we not send or check email, but started writing a blog post about my daughter’s birthday (which was on Tuesday) thinking i would finish it at home, but since the interweb was down, i had to post on WEDNESDAY about my daughter’s birthday which was on TUESDAY. Completely outrageous if you ask me.

    Oh and TOP CHEF?? I watched the ENTIRE hour with the cable going in and out because I REFUSED to accept the fact that the cable was going out. Granted, I had to watch the last five minutes with NO SOUND, but at least I know who had to pack up their knives and go. Yessiree, I do.

    Last thing: and THEN the cable company has the NERVE to offer you a “Triple Play Package” that includes your internet, cable and phone. So that they could TOTALLY isolate you from society on a consistently inconsistent basis.

    Sorry for the rant, but you hit a nerve :)

  55. Confession: I’ve been known to sit in the Panera parking lot, with my laptop, solely to use their WiFi to check my email when our internet was out for an extended period of time. I may need counseling.

  56. I. feel. your. pain. Seriously. I am so much the say. I know I have OCD of checking my emails constantly. Every five minutes – all like 6 of them. Its crazy. And when for some reason I don’t have my computer or I don’t have access to it…I am Jonesing so bad!!! So, I can identify.