This past weekend I learned that if State loses a close SEC football match-up on a Thursday night, my mental and emotional recovery time the following Friday is going to be anywhere from six to eighteen hours. Because NO KIDDING. That game nearly wiped me out. I didn’t know whether to pretend-kick the walls or crawl under the covers when it was all said and done. I would have been terribly discouraged if I hadn’t been completely keyed up. Which pretty much meant that I NEEDED TO TALK VERY EXCITEDLY FOR SEVERAL HOURS ABOUT HOW COMPLETELY DISAPPOINTED I WAS.
In other words: the crazy was on full display.
By late Friday afternoon my blood pressure was finally back to normal, so I decided that after supper I was going to run to the Steinmarts because I had a coupon that was burning a hole in my pocket and I wanted to look for a pair of fall shoes to replace Ye Olde Faithful Reef Flip Flops that have basically been attached to my feet since April. I love them deeply and am considering placing them in a shadow box when I am forced to retire them from summer shoe duty. Or maybe I’ll just tie one of them to a rope and wear it as a pendant. It’ll be my accessory statement piece for fall.
So I went to Steinmarts and looked at shoes and I was, well, unmoved. I felt like everything had stiletto-type heels that weren’t necessarily practical for daily wear, or if the heel was do-able then the style looked like something my Mamaw Davis would have worn back in 1963 (that is to say: very sensible). Flats just aren’t an option because they hurt my feet and interfere with my lifetime goal of pretending that I am tall, so that pretty much leaves me with boots. And between the fact that my calves are enormous and my arches are freakishly high, I’m a tough boot customer.
So all that to say: it was a Steinmarts shoe strikeout. I did find some cute clothes, but I won’t go into that right now because it’ll end up being some epic Martha-esque digression (“It wasn’t really a white-y cream! It was more of a cream-y cream! But with a hint of yellow! Only not an orange-y yellow or a gold-y yellow, OH HEAVENS NO, it was more of a taupe-y yellow!”).
But wait – that reminds me of something that happened earlier this year, so we’re actually going to have a Martha-esque digression after all. Because I just remembered that the last time Martha and I went to Steinmarts together, she talked from the car to the front doors about how she didn’t need one thing! Not one thing! Just couldn’t think of one thing that she could possibly need! But she’d be glad to hang out for a few minutes while I looked around!
And y’all, we had no more crossed over into the carpeted area of the petites section when Martha turned and looked at me and said, “Now do you know one thing I’d really like to find? Something I’d really like to find? A scarf with a little blue and hot pink and maybe just a little bit of brown in it. I think I would really like that! And listen – if you happen to be over by the earrings while I’m looking here, I would love a pair of small gold hoops – CLIP-ONS! – because I can’t seem to find them anywhere! And do you know what else? I’d love a blouse that that I could wear to church, sort of a scoop neck, but not a low scoop neck, OH HEAVENS NO, but maybe a high scoop neck with just a little bit of embellishment around the neckline! Don’t you think that would be perfectly darlin’? And one more thing – WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT THIS JACKET? I would love to have this jacket! But wait – wait – oh, goodness – OF COURSE they don’t have my size. They don’t have my size! And this is a shade of green that I just don’t have in my closet. Isn’t it the prettiest apple green? I don’t have it! But of course they don’t have it in my size because look! LOOK! This size 4 petite just swallows me.”
And then I collapsed into a heap on the floor and crawled over to a stack of extra large shirts and wrapped them around me and cried.
And thus concludes today’s Martha-esque digression. Up next: Martha’s thoughts on cupcakes!
Anyway, this past Saturday morning, after the aforementioned Steinmarts shoe strike-out, I decided to look for some shoes online, and after three to five minutes of in-depth searching I sent Melanie an email that said, “I really don’t think they make cute shoes anymore. And I can’t do boots because I DON’T KNOW IF I’VE MENTIONED THIS, BUT MY CALVES! AND MY ARCHES!” She immediately wrote me back and said, “Have you considered a bootie instead of a full boot?”
And the first thing that popped in my mind was, “Yes, In 1988. With my long khaki prairie skirt and my flannel shirt with built-in shoulder pads.”
And then: “I’M GOING TO NEED SOME HELP.”
Apparently the bootie is all the rage this fall, and within 10 minutes Mel sent me a whole bunch of links of potential bootie candidates. Which was actually a much more wholesome endeavor than that last sentence might lead you to believe.
The links helped me so much, and I ended up finding two pairs of booties at Rack Room Saturday afternoon. They’re actually perfect for my calves ish-ahs since they don’t get up in my calves-related bidness, and they’re also a good match for the freakishly high arches. Even though I would be totally fine with wearing my flip-flops well into December, I think the booties will be a little bit more seasonally appropriate. And also warm.
So there you have it. Upwards of a thousand words about booties.
It has been my sweet privilege to serve you with all the incessant rambling about all the nothing.
And I haven’t even told you about my Mentholatum-related drama yet.
I do hope you can stand the suspense.
Hilarious!
Martha inspires me to dress better when I leave the house.
Awesome as always…btw, I must be completely out of it fashion-wise because I haven’t even heard of the “bootie” yet!
Um, would it be too much trouble to pass on the links Melanie shared? Cause I’m all about high arches, big feet and big calves. The only pair of boots I’ve ever found to fit me were a Rack Room pair. Slouchy and black. I’ve walked the heels off of them in the last two years.
Oh, and I love you, but GO COCKS!!
I must go to StienMarts when I am in Greenville. You have flung a craving on me.
You are a good daughter-in-law!~ I would have hung her under- size- 4- frame up on a hanger on a full rack of clothes and walk away.
P.S. the bootie scares me.
Boomama, you make me laugh out loud. I guess the last time I was a size 4 was when I was four. I would like to see the “bootie” links. I have extremely large calves(kinda like the rest of me), big feet, and high arches. This does not make for fun shoe shopping adventures.
Boo, you’re funny…and you make me laugh. Thanks :)
i love your stein mart visualization–it gave a good laugh! I usually create negative memories going into that store…going there to buy sale items only to find myself with hearts in my eyes on a full price item. And pppllleeeasssee digress MORE often:)!!
Loved the digression!
okay, your accounts of your daily life seriously crack me up. i’ve been reading for a while but haven’t commented yet…but the sheer mention of Steinmart reminded me of my mama and how much she looooves her Steinmart!
good luck with the shoe search!
I have calves that resemble a Russian weightlifter, so I know the feeling. Nordstrom (and maybe other higher end stores) have a crank thingy that will stretch the boot shaft to accommodate those of us with athletic builds. (I’m trying not to giggle as I type the word “athletic” because the most exercise I do is run to the fridge.)
ANYWAY, you may want to check that out.
And I’m not big on the shootie because it can run to “streetwalker” pretty quickly.
Oh, I love the conversation about the size 4. I hear the following from my MIL on a regular basis: “I need a size 6 for the length because they’re just a tad longer than a size 4, but the size 6 waist just swallows me. The size 4 waist fits perfectly, but they’re just too short.” And I want to bemoan the fact that a size 16 is just too snug for me, but I can’t go there, because she tells me on a regular basis she would just kill to be a size 16, but the weight, it just falls right off of her. And I sit in the corner and hug my chubby self and cry a little. :)
Hey BooMama
It was sad times around these MSU parts on Friday for sure. They didn’t embarress themselves at least. On to the shoe issue. I, too, have the big calf issue and had good look with a pair from Target this fall believe it or not! Also, if you google wide calf boots there are TONS of options out there to try. Zappos had some really cute ones I was going to get if I had not found the ones at Target! Just thought I would share!
I thought I was the ONLY ONE with large calves and a freakishly high arch! Well, ok, I have a very high bone that goes over the arch and rubs against the top of most shoes and a flat foot, which means that my poor foot is just thick. We should start a Sisterhood of the Hard to Fit Foot and open our own shoe store. And we could also sell hats for those of us with freakishly large heads to match. Oh well, at least we’re well-porportioned!!
Yes, do share the links. I would love to see new shoe options. I also have large calves and heel spurs which can be painful. I have some Clarks that are really comfy but not cute. Thanks for sharing your experiance with us!
I literally hear a voice saying all of that in my head and I know it’s spot on. It has to be because I am from Alabama, it simply must be.
Freakishly large calves – yes, I have them. But, flat arches and narrow foot (how is that possible you ask?). So I can rarely find shoes that fit and don’t hurt my arthritic knees.
And I had sent some clothes to my sister-in-law to sell at consignment…they are too big for me I’m happy to say but mother-in-law insisted on saying that she could wear my ‘too small’ clothes just fine and wasn’t it a shame that I had just let myself go. And my husband wonders why I grind my teeth.
You can never fail with a Martha story, for reals.
Must. see. cute. booties. Or send the links. I not only have enormous calves, but my feet are freakishly huge as well. I DETEST shoe shopping. There is nothing that sends me into a fetal position quicker (either that, or sends me looking for some comfort food… as if that will help!).
I still want Martha’s cooking smock…
I love your Martha stories. I mean, love them!
1. You always crack me up!
2. Thank you:)
3. Can I please hang out with Martha one day?
4. I thought State looked great against Auburn. It was really close and I thought they played well (if my memory serves me correctly… and keep in mind that i’m pregnant and on pain meds for a broken arm… they didn’t let Auburn score at all in the second half and Auburn is really fast!)
5. By the way, I can also totally identify with the freakishly large arches that will not cooperate with any boots.
1. What’s wrong with flips YEAR ROUND?
2. I own and wear 8 pair of cowboy boots which fit my also ample calves.
3. If you DARE show up in TX wearing an open toe “bootie” you’ll NEVA hear the end of it.
4. Thought that “Tranquil” blue bedroom would help you smooth out the losing Bulldawg Blues?
I really think I would like to shop with Martha.
Also, I identify completely with all the issues related to your shoe shopping. I have FLAT feet. There is not a surface flatter than my feet. And also I am six feet tall. So, six inch heels? Not my bag. Unless I am going to date Shaquille O’Neal. Which would be inappropriate because I am married. And I believe he is, too. But I digress. Each year, I need to find a boot with 2 inch STACKED – they must be stacked – heels and great arch supports.
I have yet to find that perfect pair. Sigh.
I’m chortling aloud. Thanks. I needed that on this day-before-the-monthly-affliction.
HOW…HOW could I make it to the end of this post and there are no pictures of the booties??
I am also mourning my good-bye to flip flops and have not found a replacement. Boots are tricky. I’m going to need some pictorial advice.
I thoroughly enjoy your ramblings. I also enjoy all Martha stories! While I was watching the msu auburn game I thought, oh I bet boomama is going crazy! I’m so sad y’all lost. I was rooting for ya!
I agree! We need pictures of the booties! And I won’t mention our victory the other night…it wasn’t by much!
Sorry…but I love rambling posts-they make me feel normal. Also, my mother is sooooo a Mentholatum fan. Growing up, if I’ve heard this once I’ve heard it a thousand times: “mentholatum could cure a broke leg if you put enough on it”. Gotta love it…
Melanie can come up with some beautiful lists of links, can’t she? I loved all the necklace links yesterday on her blog.
I never know what to wear with booties. If you start wearing them please let us know what you wear them with. And how you make it all come together.
Cannot wait to hear about your Mentholatum drama! Once I accidentally touched by eye after having applied Metholatum to my cold-ridden nostrils, and it felt like I’d smashed York Peppermint Patties into my corneas. I was convinced I’d never see normally again. I felt like I was trapped in a snow globe. Since then I relish others’ mishaps. Can’t wait!
You are a gem. Thank you for sharing your hilariousness with the internets. Almost makes me wish my beloved Horns had done gone on over to the SEC – you know, for all the camaraderie and such.
Pictures. Yes, we need pictures of the booties.
I have large herefords too. Yesterday at Target I found some cute boots that looked like suede, but were actually some kind of micro-fiber stretchy spandex-type stuff which I could actually zip up without pinching my flesh. HOwever, the heels were way to high. If only I could find that in a bootie too….
I just love you to pieces! I too am blessed with the ample calves…I actually ordered some boots the other day online because all the reviewers complained about how loose they were in the calves. But the looser boot just made my calves look even bigger. And, oddly, one was loose and the other was snug, so, apparently, I have large and LARGER calves…yikes! Hoping for bootie links tomorrow!
wait. who is martha?
and, also, i have fat calves. so fat, in fact, that i ordered a pair of very nice but now cheap and worn out boots off of the ebay for 20 bucks and when i finally got them zipped up with the help of a coat hanger, my calf ended up busting the zipper. so i ended up having to cut the thing off of my fat leg all together. then i promptly took them to the dumpster and they haven’t been spoken or thought about since. until now, i mean.
bring on the mentholatum! oo. actually… mentholatum might be just the thing for girls with fat calves to get on boots with zippers. kind of like butter. but with a more refreshing fragrance.
xo
I went to the Steinmarts yesterday (a rare occurrance for me since the closest one in any direction is 2 hours away – Tallahasse, Dothan or Destin). I was in Dothan. That Steinmarts is going out of business! I was heartbroken. I did manage to time it just right to get in on the last bit of their liquidation sale…so I bought a pair of shoes to put up for next summer! They happen to be a green wedge that I fell in love with months ago. I got them for $12…
Which was actually a much more wholesome endeavor than that last sentence might lead you to believe. <—– funny funny!!!
Can you believe I've never been to Steinmart?
You made my lunch break so enjoyable – except for almost aspirating on my chive and cream cheese crackers – thank you! I’m going to have to see if we have Steinmart’s in this area – wow they sound like fun. And for the shoes – have you tried Danskos? High arch … shoe no taller than your ankles – and the heel actually aligns your posture so that you stand correctly and firmly – wow what shoes can do! If only my pair would cook dinner too.
Thanks again for the laughs!
Thank you!
I watched a bunch of YouTube clips of Allison Janney on the Ellen show this morning (Highly productive morning for me.) and I laughed SO HARD. SO SO SO HARD! (You should watch them next time you need a laugh because they are hilarious together.)
But, I have to tell you, I didn’t laugh as hard at Ellen and Allison as hard as I laughed at booties not gettin’ themselves “all up in your calves-related business.”
You are a wonder, my friend.
You are SCARING me about the Metholatum, because I have a tube of it in my bedside table RIGHT THIS SECOND, but it WILL run out someday. It will. I FINALLY finished my “tub” and when I went to get new, found they’d gone to a TUBE. Please tell me they have NOT discontinued it. It is my last bastion of sanity when I have a runny nose.
This post was gold.