Mentally Refreshed And Hopefully Eager To Move On To These Next Days

We started tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette with Emily establishing that it takes a village to raise a Ricki. It really is fascinating to think that all their real-life stuff was still going on while they filmed the show, and that’s precisely why I loved that the first individual date consisted of Emily and Ryan making cookies, cutting up some orange slices, and driving to soccer practice. It reminded me of Melanie’s (brilliant) theory that one of the Bachelorette dates should involve taking care of a couple of kids who have a stomach virus. That’s when you see what a potential spouse is made of, my friends.

By suppertime, though, we were back in regular-ish Bachelorette territory. Emily and Ryan were all dressed up for dinner, and they traded in the Suburban for some sort of fancy sports car. When they first sat down for their meal, I kept thinking, OH, THE AWKWARD, but after a few minutes they seemed to relax and laugh a little bit. That does not mean, however, that I was not ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED by the portion of the evening where they had to dance on a platform in front of a very large audience who seemed intent on filming the festivities with their cell phones. Surprisingly, Ryan did not run screaming for the Charlotte International Airport. And he got a rose, so I guess it all worked out.

Next up was a group date with thirteen guys and The Muppets, which was every bit as painful as it sounds. The bachelors had to write a comedy routine and perform it in front of an audience, so it was basically a variety show date – with puppets. EVERY GIRL’S DREAM COME TRUE.

After the variety show everybody had some time to hang out, and unfortunately Kalon demonstrated that he may have missed a day or fourteen in his interpersonal communication class at college. In the end Emily gave the group date rose to Jef (one F! only one F! a second F is superfluous!), and Kalon consoled himself by admiring the toggle closures on his cardigan.

An individual date with Joe was next on the agenda, and even I have to admit that Joe showed some charisma. He seemed at ease in his skin, and that was a refreshing change-o-pace after the insecurity-a-thon on the group date. While Emily and Joe went for a swim at The Greenbrier, the guys at the house talked about the responsibility of dating a woman with a daughter. Kalon insulted Doug, a single parent, by implying that Doug put fatherhood on hold in order to participate in The Bachelorette. Doug was quick to shut down the discussion, but oh, Kalon. You had a rough go of it tonight, didn’t you?

Honestly, I don’t think the toggle sweater helped matters.

Meanwhile, back at The Greenbrier, Emily and Joe sat down for dinner, and when Joe couldn’t explain where he wants to be in five years (other than, you know, “happy” and “no regrets”), Emily decided to cut Joe and his charisma loose. I especially appreciated Emily’s near eye-roll after Joe’s car pulled away from the resort while fireworks exploded in the sky. A burly security-type guy removed Joe’s suitcase from the house in Charlotte while the guys expressed their disbelief by saying things like, “No way!” and “Dude!” and “Huh?” and “Dude!”

So, by the time the cocktail party rolled around, Joe’s departure had already sent a loud and clear message that EMILY, SHE MEANS BUSINESS. Arie and Emily caught up after a week with no date, and their conversation seemed easy and good. Afterwards Ryan delivered a letter to Emily (and God bless her, she read the whole thing out loud) while Tony seethed in the corner. Kalon eventually managed to grab some one-on-one time with Emily, and he turned on the charm. The guys in the house mocked his vocabulary and his luggage, at which point I knew that he was guaranteed a rose because he is officially this season’s drama magnet. Every season has one.

Aaaaaand, just like clockwork, Kalon got the first rose. Then there were some other guys who all sort of ran together, but eventually we made it to the previews for next week’s episode. I was antsy because it’s the second week of the show, and we still haven’t seen footage that involves an emergency vehicle. TOTALLY UNPRECEDENTED. However, we did see footage of lightning, so clearly next week’s episode is FRAUGHT WITH DANGER.

I don’t read spoiler sites, but I do have a prediction for the final rose. Based on the conversations they’ve had the last two weeks and the fact that this guy seems really comfortable when he’s around her – and she seems really nervous when she’s around him – my week two final rose prediction is Arie.

What do y’all think?

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  1. Ha! Still laughing about the comment that they should have to take care of a couple kids with a stomach virus, that would surely separate the men from the boys. Too funny! I’m finding this season once again painful to watch yet I can’t seem to turn away..

  2. Patrice says:

    I don’t watch this show because it just seems so ridiculously silly, but I LOVE reading your updates… cause even though I don’t watch it, your commentary makes me laugh out loud. So thanks for that! I get the recap, a breakdown of who’s who, a glimpse into the drama, and your sarcastic commentary. It’s the best! And you’d get my rose any day. I’m certain we’re soul mates. :)

  3. I loved Joe’s voice. Deep and sexy. Can I say that? lol
    I think if she had asked that question a different way other than to go on the attack she would have gotten a different answer. Maybe he really doesn’t want children but that would have come out eventually. Or maybe he wasn’t thinking straight because he’s being filmed. Either way to give him up before dinner was over was just plain stupid.

    Kalon. Ugh.

    For Emily to sit and read that 7 page letter from Ryan while Tony was waiting was undeniably stupid. And embarrassing. She should have put it away and said I’ll read it when I’m alone. Then asked Tony to step forward. Emily is not great on the social graces either. And I thought Ryan was a good one after their date but I think otherwise now because of the letter. Seriously, 7 pages after one date? Can you say stalker?

    And Charlie. Who could not love Charlie? Because he asked to be let go from the comedy routine because of his speech endeared him to Emily. I predict he will get a chance to know her.

    I am still not convinced that Emily is all that she says she is. I think she’s spoiled and so far no one has mentioned her job or life goals. So her goal is to be loved and taken care of by a new husband? I don’t know many women who don’t have a job, a career, something going on other than a husband. That was my mother’s generation.

    Hugs from Minnesota

  4. I agree with you on the final rose going to Arie. I thought that after the first episode.

  5. First things first. Yaay for using superfluous in a sentence! It’s a delicious word that is grossly underappreciated. :)

    I made the deliberate decision to abstain from this season, but I have to say I’m feeling increasingly intrigued by the concept of an Bachelorette WHO MEANS BUSINESS. Try as I have to remain strong, I’m thinking I’m one weak moment away from Hulu. Either way the updates are delightful!

    p.s. How’s her wardrobe so far?

  6. The most cringe worthy moment of last night’s journey of love was the 7 page love letter from Ryan. 7 pages on what looked like notebook paper. My X-Ray vision seemed to hone in a plethora of scratch outs, so that may have contributed to the 7 pages. Tony having to stand there and shuffle around while Emily read and read and read and read was very uncomfortable. We all know that cringe worthy, uncomfortable moments spell REALITY GOLD!!

  7. My very favorite moment of the episode was when the fireworks started and I, too, was almost sure there was a near-eyeroll there. I literally thought she was going to look straight into the camera and say, “SERIOUSLY?” It made me giggle.

    I’m with you on Arie. Although, like JeF, I have an issue with his name. I keep wanting to call him ARIA.

  8. I couldn’t stand to watch it all the way through, so I have a question. Has Arie come clean yet with what he does? I feel like that may sway her decision on him.

  9. Can I just tell you how much I love you for your recaps? I watched the whole show but your retelling is so stinkin hilarious! I am excited to see how this season shapes up with Emily at the helm. Truthfully, I’ve been waiting for Chris Harrison to put himself in the mix now that his marriage is over. So sad, but wouldn’t that be a good twist?!

  10. Kimberly/OKC says:

    Hey! There you are over at Ree’s!! Let us know, ya cutie!!!

  11. Lisa D. says:

    I am thinking it may be a small sign to me that I actually fell asleep during the Bachelorette last night. It’s a first, but I can count on you to give us all the good stuff! :)

  12. I am dying to know if you take notes while you watch. If not, I admire your memory. I also was impressed with Joe at the beginning of his date, but things went downhill when she asked the 5 year question. Who doesn’t want to be “happy” in five years? Come on, Joe! Other than that the show was pretty predictable, as per usual, but I gotta say that right now my favorite is Charlie. Looking forward to the lightning!

  13. HA! Great summary of last night’s episode…btw, been reading your blog for the last few years and have laughed until I’ve cried! Keep it coming sister!

  14. i love that you wrote an entire post about emily and her quest for love.
    i’m with you….i think arie will get the final rose. :)

    if not him, maybe doug?

    stevie & kalen need to say their goodbyes. pronto.

  15. I love this season. So so much.

    I love Ryan and Arie- they are the final two on my bracket.

    What? Is it weird that me and my friends have bachelorette brackets? :)

  16. being from charlotte, i am well aware that emily is a publicity hound and loves the spotlight…she also loves the good life and the man she picks better be up to that task…she nauseates me…i resent a female using her southernism to try and get what she wants when she is not what she is cracked up to be

  17. This post was cracking me up….great recap and I enjoyed reading every part of it. I may just skip the show and read yr updates, I am disappointed a bit because I feel like she is in it to become something much bigger which includes supporting her daughter via the public eye. However, I still get sucker into the show and roll my eyes too….lol.

  18. Cheryl says:

    I know some people from the Charlotte area…..they do not have good feelings about Emily….loves attention, is spoiled and a man is going to have to be able to take care of her in a very materialistic way……biology teacher?..nope, not going to cut it…….and I’ve heard through them…???….who she picks has got the money to do it…at least his family does…and Emily “knew” of the family before the whole thing started….????…, yeah….I’m kinda watching this year because of my friends comments……..but me, not, so thrilled with Emily……(and as far as Joe??…what are Emily’s life plans?..what is her job? does she earn money?)

  19. I had decided that I wouldn’t watch Bachelorette this year, but your recaps have brought me back around. I’m watching the show on my laptop in one window with your recap in another window to guide me through. Love your outlook. :) Can’t wait for next week! Lightening… AND did she throw the egg on the ground?? haha… good tv right there. Love your blog!

  20. I think Arie is a safe bet. But I don’t feel that Emily has had a chance to soak up the beauty that is Nate.

    I read an interview with Joe (I know. I don’t even recognize myself anymore.) He predicted Jef to get the final rose. But the hair. I mean, come on.


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