A few weeks ago D and I decided that we were going to try the Paleo eating plan. Next year we’re going on an adventure-ish trip, and we want to feel more fit and more healthy and more other qualities that are necessary in order to enjoy all the adventures. We figure we’ll get more out of our trip that way, as opposed to, you know, feeling sluggish and opting to just sit in the room and put the hurt on a bag of Hershey’s Miniatures. Not that I would ever do such a thing, of course.
So Saturday before last I went to the grocery store and bought a big ole shopping cart full of organic produce and grass-fed meat. I even bought grass-fed butter, a product that was NEWS TO ME when I first heard about it several weeks ago. I bought coconut oil (NOT CHEAP) and fresh fruit and free-range Omega 3 organic blah blah eggs, and when I finally got home after my grocery run, I honest to goodness looked in my refrigerator and thought, “Well. I don’t know what in the world I’m going to cook.”
That was probably my first sign that the Paleo plan might not be the best use of my cooking strengths. And that maybe I hadn’t put enough time into planning what we were going to eat.
Nonetheless, I found recipes on Pinterest, mapped out a menu plan for most of the week, and figured that breakfast would be a breeze since I could make a smoothie or cook bacon and eggs. OPTIMISM ABOUNDED.
Last Monday was our first official Paleo day, and after a lunch of some all-natural, gently plucked, nitrate-free turkey (or something like that) as well as approximately five cashews, I was fired up about cooking a big ole London Broil on the grill for our supper. I realized early in the afternoon that I couldn’t marinate the meat the way I normally would (soy sauce, sesame oil, a little brown sugar, lemon, etc.), so I had to improvise. I searched the web for marinades, but they all involved ingredients I didn’t have or required extensive use of a blender. Since I thought I might make a smoothie the next morning, I wanted to keep the blender clean (sidenote: I do not enjoy cleaning all the little pieces and parts of a blender), so I wound up making a marinade with red wine, black pepper, and garlic.
(Sidenote #2: I do not care for red wine even a little bit, but since someone had given us a couple of bottles and I was desperate to season the meat, it seemed like a good opportunity to put the wine to use.)
(Sidenote #3: I am, at best, iffy about garlic.)
(Sidenote #4: I have no idea how I came to the conclusion that it was wise to marinate my meat in these things so that the meat could absorb two flavors that I don’t really care for.)
(WHAT A GREAT IDEA!)
The London Broil wasn’t all that bad, and I served it with a mashed cauliflower and roasted garlic (AGAIN WITH THE GARLIC) dish that was actually pretty good if you closed your eyes and pretended it was mashed potatoes. Then I ate six almonds for dessert.
BOY WAS I EVER SATISFIED.
The next day was easier at breakfast and lunch, and for supper I made some zucchini boats with bacon and banana peppers that were actually really tasty. The only down side was that it took me about an hour to do all the prep work for the zucchini boats, and that’s a high-maintenance meal by my standards, especially if I only make half a recipe and there aren’t leftovers that we can eat the next night. For dessert we had some air and some water, and it was totally fine except that I wept inconsolably.
I didn’t really weep. At least not openly.
On Wednesday I had plans to meet a friend for lunch, and I was super-excited about ordering a really good salad. I did just that when lunch time finally rolled around, and after I had carefully explained that the chicken needed to be grilled, and I didn’t need any cheese or croutons or anything that hadn’t sprung forth from the earth under pesticide-free conditions, the waitress asked a question that caught me completely off-guard.
“What kind of dressing would you like?”
Dressing? DRESSING? I’d forgotten all about the dressing. And I’d forgotten that Ranch dressing was off-limits in Paleo because it contains dairy and store-bought mayonnaise. And I’d forgotten that unless I had a Mason jar full of some homemade fruity vinaigrette in my purse, my only salad dressing option at the restaurant was oil and vinegar. Or maybe just some fresh lemon juice.
For the record, I did not have a Mason jar full of some homemade fruity vinaigrette in my purse.
I would imagine that we’ve all encountered moments in our lives when we knew that we were at a turning point in our parenting, in a relationship, or in a career. We’ve all faced hard choices, and we’ve no doubt weighed the pros and the cons surrounding whatever issue was at hand. We’ve all felt the weight of knowing that I am at a crossroads, and I have to decide which way to go.
Well.
I want to tell you that last Wednesday, in a restaurant right here in Birmingham, Alabama, I stood at a crossroads. If I turned one way, I would stay on the straight Paleo path, the land of oil and vinegar and grass-fed everything. If I turned the other way, I would walk toward the Hidden Valley, the land where even a little bit of Ranch dressing makes everything better.
It was my very own Sophie’s Choice, and I knew way down deep in my soul which path I would choose.
So I took a deep breath, looked the waitress straight in the eye, and smiled as I said, “Ranch, please. And THANK YOU SO MUCH OH MY WORD THANK YOU.”
I’m not gonna lie. Pouring that dressing on my salad was a sacred moment. Not that the meat I’d soaked in red wine hadn’t been perfectly wonderful and all.
When D got home from work, I told him about the recent Ranch developments. I explained that while I was perfectly willing to continue avoiding white flour, pasta, sweets, bread, etc., I was more certain than ever than Ranch dressing is the lynchpin that holds any healthy-ish eating plan together for me. Yes, I will embrace those grass-fed meats and the organic everything and even the grass-fed butter. But if I can have the option of occasionally making a salad out of some of that organic produce and then pouring a few tablespoons of Ranch over the top, then that, THAT WILL MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
D strongly supported my Ranch dressing concession. He supported it so strongly, in fact, that we drove straight to Jason’s Deli and lined up at the salad bar. And after I dressed my salad and put the ladle back in the container, I’m pretty sure that the Ranch dressing winked at me. Or maybe I was just giddy with knowing that I didn’t have to face a Ranch-less future. Regardless, I would’ve held the Ranch dressing’s hand and skipped off into the sunset if I could’ve.
Or skipped to the Hidden Valley, as it were.
I know how you feel. i gave up snacking after dinner for Lent, and I am still going strong. I’ve only cheated 5 times (birthdays etc). I’ll tell you what, some nites it is HARD! we usually eat about 5pm, and thats a LONG time w/o food until breakfast. But, I’m doing it, and I’m proud of myself! We did a huge road trip Rocky Mtns, tetons Yellowstone, Mt Rushmore, Badlands, and I think my fast helped. All that climbing and walking, surely was easier, and it was a magnificent trip!
I started trying to do “strict paleo” about 7 months ago, but after a month or two of being very strict about it, I decided to modify to allow for a few “splurges” here and there. I try to stay away from the dairy and grain as much as possible, but for the most part if it appears to be mostly paleo ( meaning I dont necessarily stay away from seasonings containing gluten, and interogate waiters to see if they cooked the chicken in butter or oil). I personally normally just get an italian vinegrette on my salads, but I think that more has to do with never developing a taste for ranch. If I want a cheese fix, I get sheeps or goats cheese as this website suggested that that is what is best http://paleodietlifestyle.com/place-of-dairy-on-paleo-diet/. I will tell you that I feel alot better, have more energy, and have lost a significant amount of weight on this diet. However be warned, after 7 months of this diet, I feel really physicaly bad if I try to “cheat” (like eating a slice of pizza or dounut, dont judge they seemed like a good idea at the moment since I had been DEPRIVED). So once you are commited to it, I am assuming if you want to go back to eating some normal food you have to go slowly. Also remember to try not to eat to much red meats, stick to lean proteins and fish if you can… I only have red meats about once a week. Good luck, I hope you are able to stick with it for a little whille and start feeling more fit!
I am interested in thid diet. I am doing ww right now but know I will feel better if I give up white flour and sugar. Keep us posted on your diet. I love your blog!!
This post, oh my word, laughed until I cried. I am just not disciplined enough for Paleo. I also don’t like changing my diet temporarily (because I just gain the weight back when I stop.) I am counting calories, the old fashioned way, at the moment. I eat ice cream several times a week as a consolation for my portion sizes and “good choices,”
I just had to get up and blow my shnoz and wipe my eyes. This was hilarious. So glad nobody else is up to see the crazy lady laughing her fool head off and making no sound. Hubs and I went on South Beach once and I remember counting out the blessed pistachios and literally licking the salt off my hand afterward….don’t be like me (although I’m sure my hands were clean).
Judy, your reply was just as funny as Sophie’s post!!
“For dessert we had some air and some water…” Can’t stop laughing! We are trying to limit carbs and eliminate wheat. The effort has produced great results but temptation is always around. We have also had our “ranch dressing” moments, only with ice cream! I also agree with your cooking comments. Cooking healthy takes a lot more time and effort. Good Luck!
Oh my gosh, I love this post. You are right, we gotta live. My chiropractor at Southern Pines really encourages eating like this. The benefits to our bodies are endless when we use food as fuel for our bodies. I lerve some bread pudding, though :) I’m proud of you & you might have encouraged little ol’ me to try doing good to my body :)
For what it’s worth, the recipes in the original South Beach diet cookbook and in their quick and easy cookbook follow the same principles as Paleo without being quite so crazy restrictive. Good favors and easy, which are two big requirements in our house.
A lesser known but very useful site for my “what on earth do I do with Bok Choy” moments is the World’s Healthiest Foods, which is not for profit (not trying to sell me their special snack bars) and, as I read about all the good things Bok Choy will do for me, I feel so righteous! They have a useful recipe section… Again, quick and easy, at least on the preoaring fresh food scale: http://whfoods.org/
“sidenote: I do not enjoy cleaning all the little pieces and parts of a blender” I just throw some dish soap and a little bit of water in and hit high (with the lid on, of course). Sometimes I tilt it side to side to make sure the soap gets to the top. I figure there’s nowhere that the food got that the soap can’t reach. Then I rinse and dry on a towel. SO much easier than taking it apart!
This is GENIUS! You have completely just revolutionized my eating habits, since I would love to use my blender more, but also loathe cleaning it. Thank You!!!!!
I do this too – and the key is to do it as soon as you are finished using the blender. Wet food is so much easier to remove than dry, caked on ick. ;-)
“Sophie’s Choice” – LOL!! Thanks for the snort this morning! Good luck with the Paleo stuff – my husband is deeply allergic to the word organic – I think it has something to do with the prices!! :)
Hilarious! The blender and the air and water for dessert! Hubby is wondering why I keep laughing.
Oh, I so get it! :)
Oh, Sophie! Jason’s Deli has THE best ranch! And if I thought I had to live in a world without ranch I, too, would weep. I think you totally made the right choice!
I think you definitely chose the right path. What is a world without ranch?
“Then I ate six almonds for dessert.”
Best line ever! You have to laugh or you’d cry!
I also took the road less traveled and try to not obsess about every single thing I eat. An obsession with eating healthy is still an obsession, and I choose “no obsession for me, please; I am trying to be normal”.
I eat healthy, but my mantra is “everything in moderation”. That, for me, includes burning the calories I eat through physical activity and also chocolate chip cookies, which are a blessing and a gift from God, which I occasionally receive with thanks and praise. Amen.
I believe it is inherent in every woman, that she stand up for her rights to dress her salad as she see fit, regardless of diet and/or eating plan.
I’m pretty sure it’s in the Constitution somewhere…right up there with the right to vote and/or bear arms. Although I don’t know why anybody would want bear arms.
They’re a bit hairy for my taste.
Amen! Sugar in my morning coffee is the linchpin to my happiness!!
Good for you for eating healthy. It does make a difference- I promise. Having said that, you are still THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD. You started my morning off with a big grin. I will be laughing all day over the statement, ” For dessert we had some air and some water, and it was totally fine except that I wept inconsolably”
Where are you going on vacation? Just curious.
Do you know that I still have dreams about the wonderful, soul-supporting vat of ranch dressing that was available to us at the House each and every day of college?
My husband and I often TALK about eating healthy, and I HAVE to eat gluten free…but as he said last week (when trying to make food choices) “life is just too short to get hung up on some of this food stuff.” We are in our late 50’s and have lived through untimely deaths of friends who can no longer experiencing hot buttered anything and/or Ranch dressing (and food didn’t necessarily cause their untimely deaths). I’m for curbing chemicals in my food, but try not to be TOO obsessive. I tend to agree with the person who posted ‘everything in moderation.’
This post was SO funny and comes at a great time because I am also trying to make SOME healthy lifestyle changes. I am trying to lower my cholesterol so my first step has been to eat a bowl of old-fashioned (not from an envelope) oatmeal every morning with blueberries and a touch of cinnamon each morning for breakfast instead of the sugar-added cereal I normally eat. Then, I have some good protein for a mid-morning snack so I’m not dying by lunchtime. I’ve also been trying to drink more water. I’ve been advised that I’m to drink at least 96 ounces of water per day. DEAR GOODNESS, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, do you know how hard that is and how many times I’m going to the bathroom? I’ve increased my exercise considerably just by walking to the bathroom at work!
Hallelujah for the Ranch! I’m pretty sure that when the Bible talks about a land flowing with milk and honey, it means a land flowing with milk solids, corn syrup, and just the right seasonings. Heaven will look a lot like Hidden Valley, I’m certain.
Seriously, good for you. Gotta find some joy in your food. I get that. That’s why chocolate is never off the table for me.
My husband and I have been doing a version of the paleo diet for 2months now and feel awesome. If you haven’t stumbled on it, I highly recommend the website Mark’s Daily Apple. http://www.marksdailyapple.com
He has very good research on why this diet works, a lifestyle plan, and some awesome recipes to follow. You’ll get access to his five free e-books, which includes 2 cookbooks also.
Also, I’m definitely not affiliated with this site in any way, it’s just been helping us out a lot!
It makes my heart sooooo happy to read this.
I often feel like the only person on the planet who isn’t running marathons and eating like a caveman.
I LOVE THIS! I’ve been at a similar crossroads. Paleo is too restrictive for me, because I feel like we should use what the Good Lord gave us- like ranch dressing. I do use gluten-free ranch (wishbone) and I pour a little olive oil on my salad to add a “good” fat. I eat a lot healthier these days, but I think it is all about balance.
Yes, enjoy the God given foods! I guess I don’t get the “no dairy” part—didn’t the cavemen figure out that cows needed to be milked and that milk could be consumed? how is this different than eating the meat?
I LOVED LOVED LOVED this post! I’ve been on the paleo bandwagon for about 2 months now. Actually, my Iron Tribe workouts prohibit me from riding on the bandwagon, I have to push it uphill!
I feel your pain with the cheats! Mine have been on the sweet side – Full Moon cookie last night and some chocolate and peach cobblers I made for house guests a few weeks ago. My “insides” are much happier with my eating plan and I must admit that I feel much better!
I have also declared dark chocolate as a paleo food!! Amen
“Your very own Sophie’s choice…” too funny. And, I know it’s not on your diet, but have you ever eaten the Jason’s Deli graham crackers? That would be my breaking point. They are the best ever. I may or may lot load up all my pockets with them when I leave there.
My husband and I have been paleo for several years now, however, we have incorporated the 80/20 rule and that seems to fit our lifestyle best. (His 20% includes dairy and grains, my does not… as I have noticed that my body functions much better without them.) Here are a few websites that have some awesome recipes…
http://www.http://nomnompaleo.com – She is hilarious and most of her recipes are delicious!
http://www.everydaypaleo.com – She has an awesome cookbook as well.
http://cfhbetterhealth.blogspot.com – Shameless plug for our own little CrossFit box. One of our members put this together and most recipes are tried and true :)
And… for those days when you need something sweet, http://elanaspantry.com – She is not necessarily paleo, but she is gluten free and her desserts are fabulous!!!
I had a very similar moment this morning with my coffee!! Last week I started eating a low carb/low sugar diet. This morning my husband asked me if I was doing a low carb version of my VERY important coffee. I told him no- I currently use Natural Bliss by CoffeeMate and it has 5 grams of carbs. But guess what…those 5 grams are staying! Just can’t give up everything, and that is my linchpin!!
“For dessert we had some air and some water, and it was totally fine except that I wept inconsolably.”
I love you! :)
Jenny, I second your comment! I laughed so hard at that line.
I know I started off on a “healthier eating plan” (which makes more sense to me, or maybe it’s just psychological, than “Type-X diet”) simply by paying attention to the amount of SUGAR in whatever I was consuming. Carbs, yes, but first and foremost, sugar. Because that’s a good start, and it’s easy to cut down on. Just by changing my yogurt, modifying my juice intake, and substituting different (but still yummy!) snacks or desserts, I eliminated a good 100+ grams of sugar a day out of my diet. Grams of sugar I, quite honestly, never noticed were there because we are taught to pay attention to FATS. And I tell you what – it still lets me eat that Ranch dressing, if I want it. AND, I’ve fallen in love with fresh fruit/cheese/small bite of DARK chocolate for dessert…and it is far more satisfying than water and air ;-). All that, and no ability to exercise (in fact, having to rest because of an injury) and I lost 7 pounds – and more importantly started to feel really good – in less than 6 weeks.
Baby steps – the more I slowly eliminate the processed sugars and starchy foods, the better I feel and the less I a interested in eating them when I have the chance. But the occasional sweet roll? Or salad dressing? No problem…as long as my weekly balance is good.
FWIW… ;-)
Your very own Sophie’s choice. Adorable.
YOU GO GIRL! I’m all for being healthy and fit. But when it comes to obsessing over that sort of thing and never touching the foods you love the most, NO MA’AM. It’s overrated. :)
I think we are sisters from another Momma!! I can totally see me doing the same thing. Thank you for the laugh!!!
Happy Friday!
I started Paleo about a year ago and it changed my life!! I am not even kidding a little. Now that I’ve been on it for so long, I definitely cheat. I put honey in my morning tea and once in a while I eat a big bowl of pasta, my favorite food in the world. But seriously, I’ll never go back. If you stick with it, I guarantee that in a couple of months you’re not going to believe how different you look and how different you feel. Please keep us posted! I’m excited for you! :-)
I so love you, Sophie. I can relate to everything you write and you make me laugh so hard that i can’t breath and you so touch my heart with your honesty. May God bless your efforts in your new eating plan. And may you not feel guilty when you enjoy an occasional treat.
Congrats on making it even a few days. I started the 30 Day Shred in January and have actually started running this summer. I needed to make some changes and knew how hard it would be to change diet. I’m just not that good at denial when there’s chocolate (or honey mustard dressing for me) on the line.
You crack me up! For me it’s the blue cheese dressing. LOVE it.
That may be the funniest thing I have ever read. And I grew up on Erma Bombeck. I have struggled with so many diets for so many years, you are SPEAKING MY LANGUAGE! And for the record, you can get these little salad spritzers in ranch, which are NOT as good as the real ranch, but better than the vinagrettes and what not. OH! I almost forgot, the reason I got on here tonight in the first place. I found Mentholatum in the Wal Mart(s) in Columbus, MS. Looked like a regular shelf item. Not sure where in MS you travel to, but Columbus is EN ROUTE to Starkville via hwy 82…..just sayin.
I’m not sure if someone already suggested this or not, but you might check out the book It Starts with Food, by Dallas and Melisa Hartwig or google the Whole 30. I just finished the book and it has tons of great info and my husband and I are getting ready to start the whole 30. It’s super strict paleo type eating, but it’s only 30 days (or so I keep telling myself anyway). Anyway, good luck and happy eating!! :)
I have been tempted more than once to sit myself down at Jason’s Deli with a bowl of their ranch dressing and a spoon and call it a meal.
I’m off and on with the Paleo. I do have a bit of guilt that I was “on” last month when my son turned 6 and made him paleo brownies for his birthday. Thankfully I was nice enough to pair it with real ice cream and I don’t think he is scarred from it at all.
Priceless! This post is priceless! Sooooooo funny! Hubs and I need to do something to lose weight. I’ll have to check into this.
I truly believe ranch dressing makes everything better. I would probably eat a stick if I had some ranch to dip it in.
You joke, but I really did have a moment -years ago- when I wept. My hubby and I were doing Body for Life – a diet that allows you to have one cheat day a week. Our cheat days were Saturdays. We spent a weekend with the in-laws and they had been kind enough to shop and prepare all meals with our diet in mind. So, whereas I had been accustomed to cheat days consisting of Krispy Kreme donuts for breakfast, pizza for lunch and cheese enchiladas for dinner, that weekend I cheated on stuff like grapes and avocado. And when we stopped on our way home at a Subway attached to a gas station to get a turkey sandwich on wheat with NO cheese and NO mayo (and NO chips…lo, nary even a baked Lay), I wept bitterly. The hubs was kind enough not to mock me until I’d had a proper cheat day the next week. But now, 12 years later, he sometimes still laughs about my tears falling on my stale-gas-station-Subway-wheat-bread….
Oh how funny. I love this story. I did Paleo for a while as I tried out varying foods and diets. What worked best for me was a mostly Paleo plan, but with limited dairy and breads. I did cut out most processed foods and gluten. It’s made a world of difference. And if you can make nice with Google, there are some amazing recipes for dressings and marinades out there. I’ve used many and created some of my own along the way. Thanks for sharing this; it was an entertaining read. I’ve definitely been there.
This is hilarious! I can definitely relate, I was searching not necessarily for a diet to loose weight but for a healthier way of eating because I started to notice that after certain foods I would consume I was getting headaches and feeling sluggish; that’s when I came across the Paleo plan. I paid for the membership so someone could tell me what to eat, needless to say that was cancelled 2 weeks later, lets be serious, I am a junk food junkie at heart and cannot do that strict diet, and they had a lot of recipes that included foods I will not even touch.
Pinned a Ranch dressing on Pinterest that was made from greek yogurt and was noted as yummy. Not sure if it’s Paleo friendly but better than making it from mayo I would guess. Just thought I’d share that tidbit.
Love this!
Oh–I have discovered Almond Flour (Bob’s Red Mill Brand). I will admit it is spendy ($16/bag)–however–used sparingly, such as in a batch of molten lava cakes (1/3 cup total)–it is acceptable to me and well worth it.
I’ve had this paleo creamy italian dressing and it is delicious. http://www.theclothesmakethegirl.com/2011/01/25/tangy-goodness-creamy-italian-dressing/
It would be really really easy to make paleo ranch dressing, esp. if you already have a paleo mayo base. I love paleo mayo so much.