I am a longtime fan of The Bachelor, and there’s no question that each season has had a unique personality, a special brand of charm. But I can honestly say that this particular season has topped all the rest – what with the two-hour episodes, the extra helping of cheese where the dates are concerned (I will hold the General Hospital group date in my heart for the rest of my earthly days), and last but not least, Stephanie’s staggering array of accessories.

That’s really the only downside to tonight, by the way – the fact that we won’t get to see Stephanie’s Fashion Parade. I mean, she had more hair clips than I have earrings, and quite frankly I admire that in a girl.

Anyway, tonight’s episode offered my favorite of all the Bachelor traditions: the bachelor’s visits to the girls’ hometowns. This is one episode that I cannot possibly watch live because of the sheer volume of rewinding and pausing required. I study this episode like nobody’s business; in fact, if I had applied this amount of effort when I was in college, I probably would have been rewarded with some sort of medal at our commencement exercises.

(I mean, IF I COULD HAVE MAJORED IN REALITY TELEVISION?)

(Ican’teventhinkaboutit.)

We started off tonight’s hometown dates with Jillian in British Columbia.

THAT’S IN CANADA, Y’ALL.

Jillian seemed a little bit nervous at first (there was talking! a lot of talking!), but then she and Jason went to a winery where there happened to be a fireplace and some pillows and, oddly enough, some wine. They had a very emotional conversation about Jillian’s family situation. Jason responded by saying that he wanted Jillian to “let me be that rock so that she can fall down,” and while I was wondering WHAT IN THE SAM HILL THAT MEANT, Jillian called him “babe.” So there were some developments.

Jason met Jillian’s family, and they all seemed to get along beautifully. Dinner culminated with Jillian’s mom reading a poem and then pulling a practical joke on Jason when they had a one-on-one talk. WACKY HIJINKS, PEOPLE. WACKY HIJINKS. I have to say, though, that all in all Jillian’s family seemed like such sweet people (her daddy was precious and obviously loves his baby girl a ton), and her grandmother cracked me up. The visit went just about as well as it possibly could have.

Molly’s hometown was next, and she greeted Jason at the country club with some golf clubs and a snazzy new golfing outfit. Molly piled on some serious pressure by telling us (and Jason) about forty five times that SHE DOESN’T NORMALLY BRING GUYS HOME, and if I were Jason I’d have probably asked a producer to pass me a Xanax. Or nine.

There was no shortage of cringe-worthy moments at Molly’s house – there was the hat box, the stilted conversation, the portrait drawing (OH MAY I PLEASE HAVE A COPY OF THAT MASTERPIECE), the pinched smile when Molly talked about “Maryann” – and I’m really starting to think that Jason is the nicest guy in the whole wide world because he was such a great sport about everything.

Personally I was relieved when it was over. I’m pretty sure I sighed audibly.

The next stop on the hometown tour was Naomi, and it took almost no time for her to bring up whether or not she’s ready for marriage. Naomi was admant that she’s ready, and Jason was pretty adamant that she might not really know what being ready for marriage means.

But the serious didn’t last for long, because what followed had to be the most entertaining series of home visit events I have ever witnessed in all my years of Bachelor watching. Naomi’s mom broke out the hula hoops, told a story about how a dove crashed into her windshield, and then asked Jason to perform the eulogy at the dead dove’s funeral. Surprisingly, Jason didn’t run screaming out of the backyard, though he did look deeply and profoundly uncomfortable, oh bless his heart.

Also: Naomi’s dad talked to Jason about Jesus and Naomi’s mom talked to Jason about her past lives.

I don’t really think there’s anything else I can add to that last sentence.

Finally – OH, HAPPY DAY – Jason traveled to Dallas to see Melissa. And people, I don’t think it takes a relationship expert to determine that those two were flat-out elated to see one another. OFF THE CHARTS HAPPY. The happiness took a brief nosedive when Melissa told Jason that her parents weren’t comfortable with the public aspect of meeting him in a room filled with cameras, and all I have to say about that is HEY, MELISSA’S PARENTS: GOOD CALL. I mean, if meeting your daughter’s possible husband on national television means that you have to pull out a hat box and/or bury a suicidal dove, I FULLY SUPPORT YOUR DECISION TO STAY OUT OF THE LIMELIGHT.

I thought it was so interesting to find out more about Melissa’s background, and I also thought it was so interesting that Melissa and Jason got time together after their dinner date with her friends. It made me wonder if Jason asked for more time – because nobody else had that sort of a one-on-one deal. Or maybe I’m just overthinking it because I want them to end up together. I actually feel quite certain that I’m overthinking it.

After all the hometown visits were over, Jason sat down for a therapy session with Chris Harrison. Jason told Chris that people opened up, walls fell down, doves hit cars, etc. and so on and so forth amen. I found myself wanting to tell Jason to go ahead and send Molly and Naomi home, but unfortunately my pleas could not be heard through the television set, nor could they travel back in time to the site of a rose ceremony held several months ago in Seattle’s beautiful Fairmont Hotel.

Jason’s first two roses went to Molly and Jillian, which means that the last rose was clearly meant to send a message (from the producers) to Melissa that Jason was ticked (at least for the sake of rose ceremony drama) that he didn’t meet her parents (though I think he likes her so much that the whole no-parents thing wasn’t much of a deal). Naomi was as gracious as could be about Jason’s decision, and I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate her for rockin’ a halter-neck dress like nobody’s business.

At the end of tonight’s episode we learned that the next round of dates are in New Zealand (they’re soaring! to new heights!), so I’m already terribly worried about how jet lag may play into our final results. However, my worry is tempered by the fact that New Zealand is where DeAnna will show up to create some fake drama that results in Jason slinging himself into the balcony railing as he cries his eyes out, and if that’s not worth two hours of your time on a fine February evening, then I don’t know what is, people.

In conclusion, I’d like for you to remember that, as Jillian’s mom said, you deserve to fly like a dove.

And at some point, as Jason said, you may need your wings.

But for the love of pete, just make sure that you don’t fly into Naomi’s mama’s car.

The end.

Tonight’s episode of The Office focused on Michael and Pam hitting the road (after Michael’s annoying PA system antics) while Dwight (experiencing a total fashion break-out in his taupe shirt) and Jim tried to plan a late birthday party for Kelly.

Hilarity ensued.

1. “Don’t say ‘bucks.’ That’s not ladylike.”

2. “I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.”

3. “What we have here is the ultimate showdown between the ‘Nard Dog and crippling despair, loneliness and depression.”

4. “What kind of cake do you want, imbecile?”

“Ice cream.”

5. Michael, to a very pregnant Karen: “Is that Jim’s?”

6. “It Is Your Birthday.”

7. “You hurt my feelings. Fortunately my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s.”

8. “You bought it. And now you can’t return it. Or can you?”

9. “Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars?”

10. “Shirty. Mole. Lazy Eye. Mexico. Sugar B**bs. Baldy.”

11. “Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships.”

12. “Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?”

13. “You wanna talk about it? Go to a mall or something?”

14. Dwight’s balloons.

15. “I have here Kelly Kapoor’s personal and confidential file. Allow me to share.”

Next week? Michael looks for closure. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.

What did y’all think?