I don’t even know how to express the level of my joy when “The Bachelor” finally makes it to the home date portion of each season, but suffice it to say that IT MAKES ME GIDDY. It’s like having a piece of chicken that’s been perfectly fried and then topped with avocados and black beans and Ranch dressing.

Which is to say: PERFECTION. In fact, I anticipated tonight’s episode being such good television that I made a special batch of guacamole for the occasion. I don’t mess around, people.

So.

At the beginning of tonight’s episode Chris told us that there would be one group date and two “very romantic” one-on-one dates. And also: THEY’RE GOING TO SEATTLE, Y’ALL.

(Just to tell you how obsessive I am: I paused the DVR when the girls were running to the limo because I wanted to have a full appreciation for Stephanie’s outfit. I mean, it is not every day that you can pull off a printed shirt AND a printed scarf AND a bedazzled cap AND some large hoop earrings.)

(If I had a bedazzled cap, I’d tip it in her honor.)

The girls arrived in Seattle, and Melissa got the first date this week (THOSE TWO ARE DESTINY, people). Jason couldn’t get away for their romantic night on the town because his little boy didn’t want him to leave, so he called Melissa to see if they could have a quiet night at his house instead. Melissa won me over FOREVER when she asked if she could wear her “stretchy pants.” Because that’s real life, people: stretchy pants and leftover pizza. Rock on.

Back at the hotel the girls were a little jealous that Melissa had time at Jason’s real house. And you know what? They should have been jealous. Because Melissa and Jason seemed utterly relaxed around each other, even though it got on my nerves that they just sort of pretended to eat their ice cream. Go big or go home is all I’m sayin’.

After Melissa’s date we found out that Stephanie, Jillian and Molly were going on the group date. The group date was a cruise around Seattle, and I would like to take this opportunity to give Stephanie a shout-out for breaking out the hooded faux fur vest for a boat ride. Even better was the fact that she actually steered the boat while wearing said faux fur vest, not to mention four very large rings, a feat requires that some skillz when you’re dealing with maritime matters, my friends.

If she had broken out some Rachel Zoe-esque sunglasses you would have heard my squeals of delight halfway around the world.

After the boat ride we were subjected to an exceedingly awkward interview at a radio station (DO Y’ALL THINK IT WAS STAGED? I COULDN’T TELL.) that involved copious amounts of oversharing and no small amount of cringe-worthy moments. They left the interview and headed out for a dinner date, where Jason called Jillian on the fact that she’s been holding back. But he also asked her who he’d meet if he went to her hometown (a question he didn’t ask Stephanie, BTW), and then they kissed while sitting awkwardly on a settee.

Jason took Molly on a walk around Seattle, and she made it very clear that it’s important to her to have her family’s approval when it comes to the person she’s dating. Molly seems totally confident where Jason is concerned, but I’m gonna make a bold statement and say that while he seems really attracted to her, he doesn’t seem as relaxed as he is with Melissa. You are welcome to disagree as long as you acknowledge that I’m right.

The last date was a one-on-one date with Jason and Naomi, and they went on an obligatory Bachelor airplane ride. I like Naomi because she seems totally comfortable around him, and she’s FUNNY, a trait we don’t get too see very in our lovely bachelorettes. But I think she may have given Jason pause when she essentially said that while she wants a long-term relationship with someone, she’s scared she’s not capable of it. Nonetheless, she told Jason that she had “THE BEST DATE EVER,” and then they snuggled up next to a fake mountain. Ah, sweet romance.

The next day Jason stopped by the hotel because he had some (more) questions for Jillian. So they went to some sort of ice cream shop and he asked his questions and Jillian tried not to cry and they kissed awkwardly across a small marble-topped table. I’M STARTING TO NOTICE A PATTERN WITH THOSE TWO.

Right before the rose ceremony, Jason and his purple shirt / purple tie combo sat down with Chris Harrison for a good ole fashioned therapy session. We learned a lot about Jason’s feelings during their chat, and I repressed the urge to scream at the television when he said “her and I” for the forty-fifth time. After he talked with Chris he pulled Naomi into the other room because he had questions about whether or not she was ready for the slower pace of family life. Jason followed up their conversation with about three big hugs, which immediately gave me flashbacks of last week with Shannon. NOT A GOOD SIGN.

The roses went to Jillian, Melissa (SHOCKER), Molly (I really need for Molly to quit laugh-talking when she accepts her rose each week) and Naomi, leaving sweet Stephanie to return to sweet home Alabama in her striped gown, pendant earrings and chandelier necklace. Jason had such kind words for her, and she was beyond gracious. I think HIM AND HER might be really sweet friends at some point down the road.

(Sorry. I couldn’t resist.)

Next week’s hometown dates are sure to be fraught with The Emotion and The Drama, but if the previews are any indication, we’ve got some good times in store with our merry band of Bachelor friends.

I mean, THEM and US have made some really special memories this season.

Oh yes. Oh yes us have.

The fact that we have a one-hour installment of The Office tonight sort of makes up for the fact that we didn’t have a new episode this past Thursday night, but it remains to be seen if it’ll make up for the fact that the last episode was so unfunny that it made me a little bit angry.

So I’m going into tonight’s episode with my fingers crossed is what I’m saying.

All righty. Here are the highlights.

1. “Today? Smoking is going to save lives.”

2. “We’re trapped! Everyone for himself!”

3. “SAVE BANDIT!”

4. Kevin and the snack machine.

5. “THE FIRE’S SHOOTING AT US!”

(Okay. No kidding. Probably the best first five minutes in Office history. But then again, I’m a huge fan of when stuff falls out of the ceiling. Especially when a cat is involved.)

6. “Stanley was attacked by his own heart.”

7. “…when no one would take hedded of my instructions.”

8. “The doctor has said that if I don’t find a way to respond more positively to my surroundings I’m going to die.”

“I’m going to die.”

9. OHMYWORD ANDY’S SINGING AND KELLY KAPOOR’S DANCING.

10. “Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy?”

11. “This is why we have training. And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off a real person.”

12. “I state my regret.”

13. “OHM OH MY GAH IF YOU’RE WEARING A DRESS PLEASE KEEP YOUR KNEES TOGETHER NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT OHM.”

14. “Here are some peaceful sounds. That one makes me think of death. It’s kinda nice.”

15. “I consider myself a good person. But I’m gonna try to make him cry.”

16. “I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.”

17. “I normally don’t enjoy making people laugh.”

18. “Cut off your nose to spider face.”

19. “Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget.”

20. “If it were an iPod it would be a Shuffle.”

21. “My guess? Either he’s deeply depressed or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain.”

22. “When you’re a kid you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.”

All in all, I thought tonight’s episode was leaps and bounds better than the last one, even though I wanted to cringe during the roast and during Andy’s song and especially when Michael walked off the stage. But in the end it was sort of sweet (EVEN STANLEY LAUGHED), and for just a few minutes, everyone in the office was one big happy family.

That made me smile.

What did y’all think?

I mean, PEOPLE. How am I supposed to hear the words “the rose ceremony goes terribly wrong” in the preview and NOT blog about tonight’s episode of “The Bachelor”?

I cannot resist.

Tonight Chris Harrison told us right away that there would be a group date, an individual date, and a 2-on-1 date. But the individual date had to be earned by writing and performing an original love song for Jason (IN ONLY THIRTY MINUTES!), and I knew I was in for a treat when I saw that 1) one person’s lyrics included the word “nuggets” and 2) Stephanie was practicing what could only be described as an aria.

Also. Did anyone else think that poor Nikki sounded like Judy Grimes on SNL? “I can’t do it I’m sorry I’m not creative I’m sorry I’d rather wear only a trench coat I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.” I just wanted to hug her.

One more thing: I think Shannon probably regretted her decision to rap.

And seriously. If someone told me that I had to sing in front of people in order to win a contest? I’d just leave. I’d pack my bags and leave. And then the remaining contestants could set their lyrics to the tune of my screeching tires. But in the end Molly won the one-on-one date by singing about fast food, and I have nothing but respect for that. Especially since I know how many times I’ve been creatively inspired by Popeye’s fried chicken.

Molly and Jason had a camp-out date at his house that stretched into the wee hours of the morning, and Molly scored a 1-2 punch in terms of making the other girls jealous when she did the early morning walk of shame and strolled through the front door wearing Jason’s clothes. In fairness the clothes-changing took place early in the evening and appeared to be totally innocent, but you have to hand it to the producers for finding new and inventive ways to stir the bachelorette pot. Because, you know, there hadn’t been nearly enough drama so far. What with all the crying and vomiting and fighting.

The group date was a trip to the General Hospital set for some of the cheesiest Bachelor shenanigans that I’ve ever had the sweet privilege to witness. All the cheesiness eventually took a toll, though, and the end-of-night wrap party found most of the girls in tears and fighting some serious jealousy. Megan thought for a brief moment that it was the greatest night of her life, but that feeling seemed to dissipate when Jason literally ducked and maneuvered her into a Friend Hug when she tried to move in for a kiss.

Lauren seemed to feel like bossing Jason around was the best strategy, but Viewers At Home couldn’t help but notice that the bossy seemed to make Jason bristle. Shannon went so far as to interrupt Jason and Melissa’s time together (prediction: Jason will pick Melissa when it’s all said and done); then she cried her eyes out and overshared. In the end Naomi got the rose, and everyone wiped away their tears and went home.

The 2-on-1 date went to Nikki and Stephanie, who got to live out my worst nightmare (aside from that songwriting-under-pressure business) by having to put on formal attire and ride in a fancy car and do some ballroom dancing. Personally I think they would’ve had a much better time if they’d hung out at the house in some sweats and watched DVDs of “30 Rock” while they ate queso dip. Then they could have reenacted the “Single Ladies” video if they wanted to cut a rug. But instead we had to witness the awkwardness of Nikki and Stephanie cutting in on each other during some sort of Ballroom Dancing Duel, and sadly there was not a bowl of queso dip in sight. Stephanie got the rose, and Nikki, unfortunately, won the most painful moment of the night award by way of her limo confessional. I feel like a “bless her heart” is most definitely in order.

Next up was the rose ceremony party, where Jason and Melissa’s conversation proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have CHEMISTRY FOR DAYS. Lauren continued with the bossiness, and I feel like it’s gonna be a really good day for her when she realizes that THE BOSSINESS, MAYBE NOT SO CHARMING.

Finally it was time for “the rose ceremony [to go] terribly wrong,” and Jason gave the first rose of the night to Melissa, like we didn’t know that was going to happen. The second rose went to Jillian, like we didn’t know that was going to happen, and the third rose went to no one at all, LIKE WE DIDN’T KNOW THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, EITHER. Jason’s spectacular avoidance techniques were pretty much a dead giveaway that he didn’t see himself with any of the remaining girls, and hopefully we’ll be spared All The Awkward for the remaining episodes.

And by the way, does anybody have a copy of the lyrics for Lauren’s “I Want To Be Famous” song?

Because while I love bears – ALL BEARS – that song may very well take this season’s Bachelor cake.

And if that wasn’t enough TV goodness for you, Chris Harrison promised us in the previews for next week that it’s going to be THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER. I’ve been waiting all season to hear those words.

I would not miss it for the world.

While I loved the whole idea of Michael and Dwight being responsible for some corporate recognizance work, I didn’t really get the whole is-Hilary-Swank-hot-or-not plotline. I mean, I got it, but I didn’t think it was particularly funny (except for the wall of Hilary Swank pictures, which for some reason cracked me up). I appreciated that Michael had something akin to an ethical dilemma, and when he said, “I’m not a shark” – well, I wanted to hug him.

I guess that after the culmination of the Andy/Dwight/Angela drama, this episode was bound to seem like filler, but still, there were some funny moments.

1. “I got 500 feet of red wire…twenty bucks for the whole spool.” – and Dwight climbs a pole in the background.

2. “You know how I feel about IHOP, socialist.”

3. “Michael. Get your clouds right.”

4. “That signal is lick your lips. Try it.”

5. “…as they get down to the single-cell shark.”

6. “Oooh, Vietnam. I hear it’s lovely.”

7. “I’m a genius about some things, and other things I’m very stupid.”

8. “Respect the game.”

9. “She’s hot as heck. She’s a female Boris Becker.”

10. “That’s why I don’t like bittersweet chocolate. What’s the point?” (Bless him.)

What did y’all think?

Oh, why not: some real-time thoughts on The Bachelor.

And I’m doing this as I watch, so it may not be terribly coherent. Or, you know, good.

We found out right off the bat that there’s one group date, two one-on-one dates. And not everybody gets dates, which does seem to be quite the disadvantage. Since the premise of the show is sort of dependent on getting to know someone and all.

The first date went to Stephanie, a darling Alabama girl who’s never met an accessory she didn’t like. She left the house in a printed t-shirt and a scarf and a bottle cap belt and a fab Lucky bag and some big earrings and a hoodie with some sort of design on it. Plus a necklace. And a watch. And rings.

And I’m not gonna lie, y’all. When her little girl ran out from behind those rocks, I totally teared up. She is a doll. The three of them seemed to have a big time at Legoland, and may I just say: NICE KLASSY TOUCH on the Lego rose. I so appreciate consistency with a theme.

The second date was a group date with Melissa (MY FAVORITE), Megan, Shannon (who needs to DIAL IT DOWN a little bit in my opinion), Nikki, Jillian and some other girls whose names I don’t remember. The plan was for them to make busts of, well, their busts to benefit breast cancer research, and DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED about what my reaction would be if I was expected to do such a thing on a date. Granted, it was all for a good cause, but, um, NO MA’AM. Because at this stage in my life some things just don’t need to be permanently cast in plaster. Just sayin’.

I especially enjoyed Jillian’s dress, by the way. The white embroidery on the royal blue background was cute and playful and I was a fan. Also, my heart really went out to Nikki because I’ve been that girl who felt left out, like, SEVENTY MILLION TIMES. In fact, I was that girl from about 19-26. And it’s an icky feeling.

Next up was an individual date with Natalie, who totally should have been ready on time. I mean, you’re in a house with absolutely no distractions except for a pool, and seeing as how you don’t have to work or go to the grocery store or anything, BE PROMPT. Anyway, Natalie got to wear some expensive jewelry, and then she found out that they were taking a private jet to Vegas.

Attention, Natalie: THAT’S NOT REAL LIFE. Because as Big Mama so wisely pointed out earlier today, real life with Jason will at some point require the winning bachelorette to clean up after a small child battles a stomach virus. GOOD TO REMEMBER THAT.

At dinner Jason asked Natalie if there was anything he needed to know about her, and she answered by saying “I love bears.” While her answer didn’t really indicate that she’s a person of great depth, OH, it did make for some mighty fine television. The look on Jason’s face was priceless. Even better was the fact that he followed up her bold statement with “Like koala bears? Panda bears?”

“Nope. All bears,” Natalie replied.

She went on to say that her favorite part of the date was “seeing all those things created by nature.”

THERE’S TV GOLD IN THEM THAR HILLS.

In the end Natalie didn’t get the rose because Jason didn’t think that they had enough in common, and when he tried to explain that to her she demonstrated an incredible amount of maturity by replying, “WHATEVER.” Then she said that she would be ready to be a mother “tomorrow” and proceeded to unleash a string of expletives. So I’m thinking maybe it was time for Natalie to go.

Next up was the party before the rose ceremony, and Jason was quick to point out that he loved Nikki’s dress. I’m going to leave it at that and trust that Big Mama will leave a comment saying all the stuff I’m avoiding. But what I will say is that the kiss between Jason and Nikki was THE MOST AWKWARD IN ALL BACHELOR HISTORY, OH BLESS THEIR HEARTS, and that is saying something, my friends.

Megan spent most of the evening on the defensive, and she seems to feel like the other girls in the house aren’t as mature and deep as she is. It seems like she’s a drama magnet (I’m one of those people who thinks drama is a CHOICE, and I know that because I CHOSE IT for a chunk of my 20s), but that could definitely be some unfavorable editing. However, it was a fine reality television moment when Chris Harrison attempted to combat all the drama by opening the floor for an airing of grievances.

Which naturally led to even more drama. Which led to Stephanie locking herself in the bathroom.

So obviously Chris Harrison’s strategy really calmed things down.

When we finally made it to the rose ceremony, Jason didn’t give roses to Kari or Erica. I was surprised that Megan got a rose after all the drama, but maybe Jason wants to get to know her a little better instead of relying on secondhand information.

All righty. There you have it.

And in conclusion, I love bears.

All bears.

The end.

Tonight on “The Office” Michael spilled the beans about Dwight and Angela, Andy decided that Angela was worth fighting for, and Dwight discovered that Andy wasn’t the only person being betrayed. Ultimately Angela was on the receiving end of not one but two cold shoulders, and by all appearances the wedding is off.

Meanwhile, Michael met his boss in New York and rambled with much rambling randomness.

My favorites:

1. “I mean, eventually he’ll figure it out, when their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth, but for now, it’s kind of awkward.”

2. “Rule #17: Don’t turn your back on mares, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season.”

3. “Keep in mind that when you hear these bad things that I say in your ears…I’m not very articulate today, so I’ll just save it for another time.”

4. “A little bit.”

5. “We were together and then he killed Sprinkles and then we stopped.”

6. “My philosophy is basically this – and this is something that I live by – don’t do anything to anyone for any reason…ever for any reason whatsoever.”

7. “Angela Bernard…”

8. “…will never be her name.”

9. “That’s stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.”

10. “I will respect the results of the duel.”

11. “I have to say that I am so impressed with the potential you see.”

12. “I can’t believe they’re going to fight over me.”
“I guess people have fewer choices as they get older.”

13. “The Prius is silent if you keep it under five miles per hour. He deserves to win.”

14. “Andy’s running over Dwight with his car.”

15. “All you do is dress fancy and sing.”

What did y’all think?