Just Pretend This Is A Witty Title. It’ll Be Fun.

You know you’re in for a rough night when it’s 2:30 AM and you’re standing on your front porch in your pajamas, trying to get a barking dog to be quiet while a disturbed bird who has chosen to build a nest in the eaves of your porch flaps around your head like something out of a Hitchcock movie.

So last night wasn’t what I’d call restful. That’s all I’m saying.

However, the sight of me trying to stave off a confused bird in the middle of the night was probably pretty comical.

Just not to me at the time. Because I don’t know if I mentioned it, but it was 2:30 IN THE MORNING.


This past Saturday after Paige’s baby shower I went to see D’s mother and grandmother. Sissie fell asleep in her chair about five minutes after I got there, and Martha talked for the next hour and a half about how “Mother’s just doing remarkably well, it’s really remarkable, but I just can’t, you know I can’t, I mean I just can’t lift her up so I’ve gotten some help to come in the mornings and the evenings, well, you met Carol, she is just delightful and comes very highly recommended and do you know that she used to work at my beauty parlor? She did! She worked at my beauty parlor! And of course Mother can’t get to the beauty parlor right now but we are trying to keep her hair fixed, and somebody told me about this foam, this foam that you just squirt into your hair and then rub it with a towel? And it’s like washing your hair only you don’t have to use water because of course we can’t get Mother in the tub right now? Well I went to the Walmarts to find it, and I told the little girl who was working what I was looking for, but right when she started to look someone dropped this huge bottle of something and they had to have a clean up, the little girl who was working had to call for a clean up and I said, ‘Well, I’m really in a bit of a hurry, sugar – my time is limited,’ but she didn’t even hear me so I just left and I mean I’d love to find that foam but I just can’t run all over town from one drugstore to another drugstore to another looking for this shampoo that’s not really shampoo, and did I tell you that I’m thinking about getting my hardwood floors refinished?”

And that’s only five minutes’ worth. I would transcribe the rest, but then my fingers would fall off from All The Typing.

My absolute favorite moment of my visit was when Martha was talking about how Alex has such an enthusiastic personality and how some of her friends had suggested that he might have inherited her “social” gene. Martha went on to say that she found that hard to believe because “I mean, people tell me that I like to talk a lot, but you know me – I’m shy!”

Yes. Um, of course. Because shy people often, you know, introduce themselves to others in the middle of the Steinmart petites section to tell their fellow shoppers about the woes of shopping for jackets when one has very narrow shoulders. Shy people do that ALL THE TIME.

Yes ma’am.

We really did have a lovely visit. It made me wish y’all could meet her.

And in conclusion, I would like to say that if Martha is shy, then I am skinny.

As a rail.

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  1. You are hilarious!!!! I do not which I loved better–“Walmarts” or “shy/skinny.” Thanks for giving me a smile today!


  2. Life is ALWAYS an adventure with you and yours, isn’t it? Sounds like fun… exhausting, but fun!

  3. I feel like I know them from reading your posts. You really should think about writing a screenplay – you’ve got the dialogue part down!

  4. Okay, Walmarts just cracks me up because I have a relative that does that and we tried to explain to her that it was just Walmart so then she started calling Albertsons just Albertson.

    I would adore spending an afternoon with you and Martha. :)

  5. Where do you meet these people!?!

    I wonder if she will ever find that shampoo that isn’t a shampoo!

  6. I love her already. I love to hear the stories. It makes me miss my grandmother =)

  7. You, my friend, don’t even NEED a witty title to write something funny. I love your writing and your perspective. Shy, um-hum………

  8. The title made me laugh out loud. You’re right! That was fun!

  9. Oh how you can spin a tale of which we all dearly love characters we have never met. (I am not, by the way, implying that your story is untrue. I just love the way you tell it!)

    Do you just love how I spelled out “by the way” instead of using BTW for your readers (toni) who don’t understand why we can’t just take the time to spell it out? =)I knew you would.

  10. I read the other day that being “salty” literally means to be full of zest and witty.

    I think you fit the bill.

    Thanks for adding some “salt” to my world.

  11. “but you know me – I’m shy!” … hahahaha! I laughed so hard AngelBaby thought I was hurt!
    Sounds like my aunt Tillie!
    Thanks so much for the chuckle!

  12. I know I would love Martha because I’m shy, too. And those conversations in which you don’t have to actually think of anything to say because you’re not likely to get a word in edgewise anyway and all you really have to do is smile and nod? That’s my kind of small talk. Yes indeed. She sounds like a real joy to be around.

  13. Hello! I know exactly what shampoo you’re talking about. We got it for my sister when she was going through her last days with cancer. The hospice gave us some. It really works great. Maybe if you go to a medical supply store they have it there? They have different scents too. Hope that helps a little.


  14. “As a rail” sent me over the edge. I’m both shy AND skinny as a rail, myself:)

  15. HOWLING with laughter!

  16. You know, I think we’all DO know her. At least I feel like I do. And I love her, too. Just love her. Bless her heart.

  17. Lea Margaret says:

    Oh! Honey! I just love me a GOOD Martha story!!

  18. The first post I ever read was the one about Martha and how she couldn’t get her hair done during Katrina… I have been hooked ever since!

  19. Sounds like a fun weekend … and I was also awake at roughly 2:30 am last night … with my 10 month old. He was trying to play with his daddy and I and trying to grab our noses at about that time ;-)

  20. I LOVE to read your blog first thing in the morning (with my ever present mug of so strong coffee) it totally makes my day go better…
    now, this is my first comment to your blog but I wanted to mention a little trick my dear ole mum taught me about makeing coffee (oh btw, this is in reference to the post about the free coffee you got) put a little sprinkle of salt on top of your coffee grinds before brewing… it’ll cut down on the bitterness!

    Keep bloggin’ girl… my life has not been the same since I was introduced to you by Staci of “Glimpses”

  21. The shampoo is called Psssttt! or some variation of spelling! U can find it at Walgreen’s. I love southern ladies!

  22. LOL!

    I once had one run on talker friend give another run on talker friend a ride someplace. When they came back both approched me on sperate occations and told me how they couldn’t get a word in edgewise.