My excitement about tonight’s finale has been dampened just a bit because I’ve been running fever for the last 24 hours and nothing sounds better to me right now than SLEEP, GLORIOUS SLEEP, SLEEP THAT RELIEVES MY BURNING EYELIDS. Not to mention that we’ve been planning for weeks for our super-fun-good-time friends the Whittakers to join us for tonight’s show, but we had to cancel our get-together because of the aforementioned fever, the fever that is evil and steals all the fun.
Fortunately the fever has no power over the cheesetacular that is The Bachelor finale. Oh, it makes the cheese a little more melty, but if you’ve been reading here any time at all you know that I’m not really one to complain about melty cheese.
I’ve been so focused on the question of who will get the final rose tonight that I sort of forgot about the part where Melissa and Molly will meet Ty and then meet Jason’s family. I am also understandably delighted that in the first five minutes of the show I get to see both girls do a full 360 degree turn in their evening gowns as well as seeing Ty play on the beach with some strange woman until his daddy shows up.
I feel that we’re off to an excellent start.
Melissa is the first of the two girls to meet Ty, and she and Ty seem to get along beautifully. I wish she wouldn’t use a baby voice when she talks to him, but I think we all know that if she actually becomes a part of Jason’s family, that baby voice will go away the first time Ty leaves peanut butter smeared all over her breakfast room chairs. That’ll put her in touch with her big girl voice super quick, don’t you think?
Next we see Melissa meet Jason’s family, and my first thought is honestly Oh, God love ’em, they’ve been down this road before. At least this time the road led them to New Zealand. Maybe that’s a sweet little second-time-around bonus for them. The subject of Jason not meeting Melissa’s parents keeps coming up again and again and again, and I can’t help but wonder if the producers couldn’t have worked out a private meeting at some point? I mean, would that have been too difficult to arrange? Because I’m thinking that all it takes to make that happen is, oh, A PHONE NUMBER.
Melissa’s visit goes off without any hiccups – she seems totally at ease and comfortable – so next up is Molly. I think Molly’s time with Jason’s family should be especially interesting because while she’s cute as a button and all, she doesn’t give off the same warmth that Melissa does. And since Jason’s family seems like the kind of people who would cry their eyes out every single time they sing “Happy Birthday” to one another, I’m thinking that warmth is probably pretty high up on their list of desirables.
This is just my opinion, of course. Seeing as how I don’t know them at all.
Molly seems super-nervous before she meets Ty, but within minutes everything is golden. They fly a kite, they jog, they sit on the beach. It does make me laugh a little bit that both Melissa and Molly think one day of good times with Ty equals MOTHERHOOD SUCCESS! – because as Big Mama and I have discussed once or thrice, those girls really need to be with Ty on a day when he gets a stomach virus to understand the full depth and breadth of parenting. I’ll even go so far as to say that they need to be with Ty on a day when he has a stomach virus and then Jason comes home from work and asks them what’s for supper and where are the clean towels.
That’s a recipe for the most dramatic Bachelor episode ever, my friends.
Molly meets Jason’s family and is very! wide-eyed! and enthusiastic! about how much she loves Jason! and how ready! she is! to settle down! Jason’s siblings and sister-in-law seem to love Molly, so Jason and his mama sit on the grass underneath a quilt and talk about who’s the better choice for him. Jason cries. His mama loves on him and gives him some advice. He cries some more. And I am convinced in this moment that I’ve never seen a finer two minute span of reality television in my life, oh thank you ABC.
Apparently Melissa and I are on the same page because she calls her parents and asks if they can talk to Jason on the phone. The only thing I’m wondering is why she didn’t ask them to do that very thing WHEN JASON WAS IN HER HOMETOWN, but hindsight’s always 20/20, I reckon. Then Melissa and Jason take a boat ride in the freezing cold rain and go back to her condo. She tells him that her parents want to talk to him, he is delighted, and I get a feeling way down deep in my bones that this is going to end badly for her.
I do not like that feeling, by the way.
The next day Jason has a date with Molly, and since it’s raining she takes charge and changes their plans (DO YOU PEOPLE REMEMBER ME TELLING YOU THAT SHE LIKES TO BE IN CONTROL?). I won’t give the play-by-play of their massage time, but afterwards they fix dinner and she gives him a book entitled “A Fairytale Love Story.” Y’all, I had such a moment of pure happiness when I saw that book because do you remember when Jesse made DeAnna “A Book of Thoughts”? I LOVED “A BOOK OF THOUGHTS.” And I think Molly took a play out of Jesse’s playbook, BUT WITH AN EVEN BETTER TITLE.
THIS IS THE BEST SHOW EVER.
Next Jason calls Melissa’s parents, and I so appreciate how he tells them “I know you aren’t comfortable with the cameras” while the cameras are in fact filming every word he says. And then, a black car pulls up, and I AM SO DELIGHTED by the sight of DeAnna Pappas that I have chills. Or maybe that’s just the fever. But let’s forget all that and please consider the following question: WHAT IN THE SAM HILL IS SHE WEARING? Is she now selling real estate in New Zealand? Is that why she has on a business suit?
DeAnna tells Jason that she should have looked farther down the road than “fun,” and she tells him not to follow his heart but to lead it. I have absolutely no idea what that means, but I really don’t care because I’m so puzzled by her jacket. Is it shantung? Is it taffeta? The mind boggles.
Jason picks out a ring and then stands on his balcony and tries to make up his mind. I don’t know about y’all, but I can’t help but think “CAREFUL! FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, CAREFUL!” when he’s holding that ring so close to a two-story drop off. MIND THE DIAMONDS, YOUNG JASON. MIND THE DIAMONDS.
Then Molly and Melissa put on their prom dresses, and Jason and Ty put on their suits. I keep waiting for Jason to run crying into the glass wall on the balcony, but it never happens. I can’t help but feel a sense of disappointment, but I get over it quickly when I see that Molly is the first one out of the limousine which, as we all know, is Bachelor Doom (except for that one season where they faked us out, but that is water under the reality television bridge at this point). Jason tells Molly that he has to let her go, and she tells him that he’s made a mistake – a big one.
Then her eyes turn into daggers of fire and all of New Zealand goes up in flames.
Molly leaves, Jason cries, and we finally see the balcony scene. He seems geniunely heartbroken. Meanwhile, back in the limo, Molly says that Jason has made a mistake about five times, and she doesn’t blink at all. I am frightened.
Melissa arrives and looks like she wants to throw up a little bit. Jason tells her that he’s in love with her, and I just appreciate so much that she screams when he goes down on one knee. Then he gives her the final rose, she’s the happiest girl in the world, he’s the happiest man in the universe, Ty runs out to see them and they live happily ever after.
Or do they?
We jump straight to “After The Final Rose,” and we immediately find out that Something Is Awry. Jason says that he and Melissa aren’t right for each other. And not only that: he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about Molly.
I AM NOT VERY HAPPY ABOUT THIS.
Because let me tell you something: it is double-dead-dog wrong for a man to go on national television and blindside his fiancee’ with the news that he’s breaking up with her. Double-dead-dog wrong. YOU CAN’T DELIVER THAT KIND OF NEWS IN PRIVATE? So Jason gives Melissa the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” line, and she makes no bones about how angry she is at him. She hands him the engagement ring, and I’M SORRY, THE LEAST HE COULD DO IS TO TELL HER TO KEEP IT.
(I can’t even get over what a train wreck this is.)
(Because this is a train wreck of epic, gigantor proportions.)
(And I feel like I shouldn’t be watching because it’s all so deeply personal but yet I cannot turn away.)
Chris leaves the set to give them a moment to themselves (with the cameras rolling, of course), and Melissa tells Jason to leave her alone. She storms off, Jason cries some more, and something deep down inside me thinks that Jason might have some issues he needs to address before he asks Molly to give it a go.
Melissa is far more gracious than she should be when she’s in the limo, and Jason continues to cry back in the studio. Chris walks back in and says it’s time for Molly. I sit right here in my living room and wonder if it’s okay to be watching this, HOW CAN I BE WATCHING THIS, THESE PEOPLE MUST BE ROBOTS AND CLEARLY WE’RE ALL BEING PUNK’D. So Molly goes through the whole I-still-have-some-questions-for-him / I-still-have-feelings-for-him scenario with Chris, and Jason comes back out and after about two minutes Jason tells her that he’s ended things with Melissa and could they maybe have another chance and maybe GO OUT FOR COFFEE OR A DRINK SOMETIME.
REALLY? COFFEE OR A DRINK? BECAUSE SIX WEEKS AGO SHE WAS RUBBING YOU DOWN WITH MASSAGE OIL AND NOW YOU WANT TO GET SOME COFFEE?
Then Jason says that he doesn’t want to live his life with regrets and that “all we have is today, and when I think about living in the moment, it’s with you.”
(I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING IF MOLLY WOULD HIT HIM WITH A PILLOW RIGHT NOW. JUST HIT HIM WITH A BIG OLE PILLOW. But instead she’s holding his hand. And then they kiss and THIS ALL SEEMS SO INAPPROPRIATE.)
Chris brings everybody back to “reality” by pointing out that America is watching this, and America is floored. Jason acknowledges that what has happened “isn’t the classiest or coolest thing” (YA THINK?), but then he tells Molly that he’s still falling in love with her and it will never stop. Then they kiss and hug some more.
(I need some more Advil.)
Cue soaring music.
Couple exits stage right.
And scene.
I felt violated and want to ask ABC for some of my brain cells back. My hubby said he is making the male race look horrible. Did you catch when Molly kept saying they were together “JUST HOURS” before he said good bye (you know what THAT means). KACCHHHHHHH!!!!!! Yes, I will be watching tonight, too. Oh, what has become of me? Hope you feel better SOON!
By July Jason will have changed his mind for the 13th time and then hook up with the hot Brazilian doctor.
I second every single thing you said. Especially “WHAT IN THE SAM HILL WAS SHE WEARING?” and THE BOY’S GOT ISSUES!
Hope you are feeling better today!
Jason is officially a Fake Nice Guy. He’s like Wickham in Pride & Prejudice – giving all the appearance of everything nice but showing his true colors in the end. Only he doesn’t have Wickham’s red jacket. Or his British accent. Or his command of the English language, for that matter. As a matter of fact, if Molly and Jason do marry in an unholy union, I will gift them with a thesaurus as a wedding present.
On the brighter side of things, Jillian must be thinking she dodged a bullet.
Sophie
First I want to say I pray you feel better
And I was SICK over last nights events
I could not beleive Jason went in for a KISS
RIGHT AFTER HE BROKE UP WITH MELISSA
That is just WRONG~!
And it is not over yet I bet DeAnna shows up tonight and he tells her he really loves her after all
I mean at this rate – who knows
Dude needs some help…
PURE MOLDY VELVEETA CHEESETACULAR! I still want to KICK him really really hard. SO wanted Molly to laugh at him then get up & walk away; although hitting him in the face with a pillow would have been hilarious too. Not sure I can watch tonight, although I bet my daughters will force me, seriously twisting my arms and duct taping my wrists & mouth. grrr…Was it BigMama who said “Why can’t I quit you Chris Harrison?”
Okay hilarious friend, I heard on the radio just now that there is an even bigger catch that they’ll reveal tonight–one of the radio announcers said the rumor is that Molly is pregnant and THAT is why Jason abruptly had the change of heart. Could I gossip any more about things that I truly know nothing about???? It’ll be an interesting finale to last nights’ finale. I mean what could be more High School than last night??? I won’t even go into the possibility that she is pregnant there’s all kinds of wrong about that but the whole time I thought, “This is the kind of break up that happened to me when I was 16…” On a serious note, if I talked to you in real life I think I’d wet my pants every day. That’s a compliment :)
OKay I was waiting for your recap of this. Can I just tell you that all of FACEBOOK was talking about this last night? It was completely awful to watch Jason do that to Melissa last night. She was so upset with him. I kept yelling at her to slug him, but I guess that wouldn’t have been very classy. But argh was I mad at him.
I think I scared my husband a little bit.
Anyway, excellent recap. And can we please tell Jason that he needs to stop crying? I mean really, he cries more than some women I know. REALLY!
BWHAHAHAHAHA!! That show is a total joke!!! I used to like the bachelor and bacelorette but the people they pick for these shows have major issues. If I was Molly I would have been like “oh so now you want me after you see how it was with her, no way man”. But whatever I’m not 25 and wearing haltertop dresses and string bikni’s and saying things like “OMG that was totally cool yo”. I am not bitter I just think these people are not real. Have a great day.
~Molly P
You are so stinking funny about this. The part about daggers of fire is just hilarious and true, which makes it even more funny. And I believe that Molly was just glad she “won” after all. She seems pretty goal oriented!
thanks for all your recaps. i will miss them. i am going to need therapy after this season of the bachelor.
All I could think was, to put it in Boomama speak,”that guys got ish-ahs”!
Melissa is a rock star.
What is going to happen to Molly when Jason starts thinking about…Jillian, Nikki,etc. HE WANTS ALL THE GIRLS PEOPLE.
I’m still in shock. And sleep deprived. :)
LOL!!! Great recap – you had be laughing so hard I almost wet my pants! The worst part of this whole idiotic show was when Melissa said, “There must be something wrong with me”. Oh my word poor girl. I was screaming at the tv “NNOOOOOO!” Jason’s the idiot not you!
Anyway – thanks for the good laugh. This is actually the first time I’ve watched the Bachelor and I have to say it might be my last.
thanks so much for the weekly recap of this show! i don’t get to watch it and your recap is wonderful!
Oh my what a night! I twittered with some bloggy friends until my fingers hurt. We were all hoping Molly would laugh at him … but no! She kisses him. That did me in. Of course, I’ll be watching tonight. And Melissa, girl you dodged a bullet on this one. J-boy is waaaay too emotional and needy.
I’ve never even watched The Bachelor, but I read every word of this and laughed out loud about six hundred times.
Feel better soon!
Oh gracious. I didn’t even watch and yet I can’t turn my eyes from the train wreck. (Now I’m wishing I had watched!!)
What a guy. Truly, Melissa is better off without this jerk. Here she is, thinking she’d finally found her happily ever after and she got the guy, and he does this. The least he could have done is told her privately, before the show!!! What a pig.
This sounds like the running commentary my husband made all night long.
Worst. Bachelor. Ever.
I have read a lot of your posts and loved a lot of your posts…but this might be my favorite yet!!! I laughed so hard!!! Great job on recapping the drama/train wreck!!!
I had a blast reading this!! The ONLY way I could have been satisfied after last night would have been if Molly slapped him. Slapped him. Seriously.
OH my this was fantastic! I laughed out loud when you talked about the jacket! We will get together soon! H
I think that’s what camping out on your 1st date will do for you.
I was actually starting to think the reason Jason was crying over the balcony was because he’d dropped the ring over the edge. And ABC was making him pay for it…
And I appreciate a guy who shows his emotions, but after a while… It got very old and I thought he was acting it up a bit.
Now he cries when he’s with Molly because those freaky eyes of hers all stretched open scare him in the mornings.
I would have given Molly all of my (now worthless) 401(k) if she would have laughed in his face (or worse) and walked off the set! I felt uncomfortable watching too!
Would you please start watching Lost and explain it the next day?
I just have to tell you how much I have loved reading your commentary each week about the show. I am always cracking up. I don’t have a t.v. right now and have missed the past few shows and have lived them through your blog. Thank you for such a great run down each week… and for the laughs!
I am laughing so hard I am about fall out of my chair reading this recap! Come’on ABC…really?!?! Poor Jason needed to be on Intervention, not The Bachelor! Boy has some issues!
All Jason proved was that he hasn’t a clue what real love is or how much work is required. Melissa is right that he wasn’t willing to fight for his relationship with the woman he asked to marry him.
I LOVE your recap of this! I do believe I was thinking the same things!! and I agree…I think Mr Jason has some deeper issues to work out before being in a relationship with ANYONE! If he keeps ‘living in the moment and emotion of today’ he’s just going to be a Bachelor for life….
Don’t we all know why he couldn’t stop thinking of Mollie, (the tent, the massage, sorry….) The cameramen must be sworn to silence. As bad as it all was ya know Melissa seemed kinda all out wild where Mollie seemed more wild and controlling with her time with Jason in a kinda way that he couldn’t forget. Maybe the worst of Melissa’s behavior came out after the cameras stopped rolling.
Bad taste all around, I am so glad that I didn’t watch all season and waited until Sunday to read up on the recaps before I watched the rest of it!
You captured it all except for their hair! What was up with the over sprayed rat’s nest of hair for both of them and then even for Mollie on Monday night??? He must really love her to sit there and not be trying to figure out that hairdo!
Poor Ty, how humiliating for him! I thought his dad would have been more careful. I would have been afraid my parental rights or bad behavior would be questioned by the authorities after this!
Whew, after all this I bet Melissa’s parents are glad they didn’t go on national/international television. If I were Jason though, I would be seriously concerned after I had done that to someone’s daughter!
Maybe Melissa was the luckiest one after all! She dodged a big one!