In The Immortal Words Of Chris Harrison: Let The Journey Begin

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been trying to decide whether or not I wanted to blog about The Bachelorette. I mean, I know in my heart of hearts that anything Jillian does cannot even begin to compare to the romantical hijinks of Jason Mesnick. And since I know that, I am well aware that blogging about Jillian’s adventures probably won’t be nearly as kicky as our last Bachelor-related go ’round.

But then there is this very simple fact: apparently I am powerless to resist the lure of the cheesetacular that is the Bachelor franchise. It soothes me. It gives purpose to my Monday nights. And also: I read that at some point in tonight’s show there’s going to be a dance-off between two of Jillian’s suitors.

Needless to say, that last thing was pretty much the deciding factor for me.

So bring it on.

We started tonight’s show with a post-Jason Time of Reflection. We saw Jillian taking a walk in the rain, sitting on a bench, making a pot of hot tea, tending to her garden, going for a therapeutic run – all presumably integral parts of getting over Jason, at least for the sake of Bachelorette narrative. And if I had any doubts at all about giving this season my full and earnest commitment, Jillian’s Mary Tyler Moore-ish toss of her sassy beret totally sealed the deal.

Clearly anyone who remains emotionally unresponsive to a beret toss has a heart of pure, cold stone.

(By the way, does anybody else think Jillian looks thinner?)

(I think Jillian looks thinner.)

Next we got to meet the bachelors, and if I’m not mistaken the first guy’s name is Kipton (KIPTON? REALLY?), and he mentioned that he was working on a Switchfoot charity event (verrrrrry interesting). The producers also provided us with about four different opportunities to see that in Kipton’s free time, he really enjoys sculpting his abs.

(Did I say that his name is KIPTON? Well, I was wrong.)

(It’s KIPTYN.)

(KIPTYN. How in the world did I miss such a traditional spelling?)

Next we met Michael, a BREAK DANCE INSTRUCTOR. And that surging water sound you just heard? Was my newly discovered BOTTOMLESS WELLSPRING OF JOY.

We were introduced to a few other guys, including Stephen, who was quick to point out that he’s a catch because he’s an attorney-AT-LAW. I’m so glad he emphasized the “AT-LAW” part of his title, because otherwise we would have all been completely stumped about the context of the word “attorney.” Thank goodness he didn’t use the word “lawyer.” I would have been so confused.

I won’t even attempt to chronicle the rest of the fellas, but right off the bat I decided that Jillian is going to hit it off with Kiptyn (really? KIPTYN?) or Sasha or Jake. I cannot see her hitting it off with Greg, aka “Bilbro,” the fitness model who managed to do the “come on ride the train / and ride it” dance not once but twice within the span of about forty seconds.

After all the guys arrived at the cocktail party, we immediately saw that Jake is a take-action kind of guy. He grabbed Jillian for one-on-one time before anyone else did, but he was interrupted by a nice guy named Jesse, a wine maker from California who made the critical error – at least in my estimation – of referring to wine as “love juice.”

However, you could definitely make a case that using the phrase “love juice” wasn’t nearly as awkward as Jesse unbuttoning his dress shirt so that Jillian could see his “Aspiring Canadian” t-shirt. Since Jillian was such a great sport about everything, I made an extra effort to cringe enough for both of us. Really, it was the least I could do.

A few minutes later, LIKE MAGIC, we enjoyed the sweet privilege of performances by Wes the guitar player and Michael the breakdancer. And then – and I need to pause a moment so that I can wipe away the single tear from the corner of my left eye – we saw our First Oh-We-Can-Only-Hope-That-It-Will-Be-Annual Bachelorette Dance-Off. Obviously Michael was in the mix, and remember Greg aka “Bilbro”? The “come on ride the train guy”? HIM, TOO.

Now granted, I haven’t witnessed a breakdance contest since the days of Breakin’ 2: Electric Booglaoo, but this one was a total treat. I couldn’t help but think that one day Michael and Greg aka “Bilbro” are going to have kids, and one day those kids will watch the dance-off footage, which means that one day Michael and Greg aka “Bilbro” are going to throw their backs out trying to prove to their kids that DAD STILL HAS SOME SAH-WEET MOVES.

Since no initial Bachelor get-together would be complete without A Surprising Twist, we found out about midway through the festivities that there were actually five more guys waiting in the wings, bringing the total prospective bachelor count to 30. Our new crop of gentlemen included Ed, who seemed utterly sincere and likeable, and Tanner P, who had WAY too much interest in Jillian’s feet. Like, waaaaaaay too much interest in her feet. Like, he used the phrases “eagle claws,” “mangled” and “crooked toes” without even a trace of humor or irony. And y’all, he didn’t just look at her feet. He eyeballed them.

The first impression rose went to a guy named David, and then Jillian walked back into the Chamber of Headshots to discuss the bachelors with Chris. After she selected her twenty (just FYI: Jesse made the cut despite his use of the phrase “love juice”), everyone said their goodbyes, and unlike The Bachelor, there were no overserved, rose-less individuals who tried to make a tearful case for the “amazing connection” they thought they’d found during the six whole minutes they talked with Jillian. We saw some quick previews for the rest of the season (it appears that there will be a veritable surplus of drama), and the producers are already teasing us with video of Jillian dressed like a princess, (SUPPOSEDLY) waiting on her prince and (SUPPOSEDLY) a proposal.

As our Canadian friend Jillian might say, it’s gonna be wicked.

We should totally have a dance-off to celebrate.

Edited to add: you do not want to miss Chris Harrison’s blog post about last night’s episode. It is a treasure.

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  1. The Chamber of Headshots! I’m pretty sure I just peed a little! Going to read Chris’ blog now. Why do we subject ourselves to this?!

  2. I got sucked in too. I think it was the Crayola inspired button down shirts all the guys were wearing. I couldn’t turn away.

  3. Oh, I said I would never watch again….but she is cute. It’s the drama I just can’t stand…and it looks like there will be plenty….I’m beginning to think ABC is drumming it up…hmmm, you think?
    Oh, well, I hope Jillian ends up with someone good……bless her heart…yep, a mary tyler moore, sweet kind of ending, is what I’m hoping for.
    Maybe I should avoid it for a few weeks and skip a little drama.

  4. Can we talk about some of their ties? I mean where did they get those? And I kinda hate the way Brian D. represented Alabama. Did he really have to get all competitive with the nice Brooklyn designer?

  5. All that, plus another “her and I” guy…maybe he didn’t get a rose since I can’t remember which one said that. Could they please have a grammar test before approving these men?

    And creepy feet guy? He will NEVER get another date in his life after that. Unless it’s with a creepy feet girl. Ewww.

  6. I’m so going for Jake the Pilot.

    Here are my thoughts!

  7. YES!

    I have been absent from commenting for a while, but I cannot resist your love for OHCH!

    This season looks good, but only time will tell if they can keep up the awesome momentum from the premiere. :)

  8. I was so peaved with the last Bachelor antics that I swore I wouldn’t take part in this, but alas, I’m hooked.

    Tanner P. was practically tasting her toes with his eyes. I was almost expecting him to start licking his lips. It totally gave me the creeps!!!

  9. i didn’t catch the whole episode, my attention span isn’t that long, but i liked the pilot and tipton, i mean kiptyn, or whatever his name is. i enjoyed your reading your take on it, thanks.

  10. Chris’ blog was awesome! Would love to hang with him. Tanner P.: Gross! Juan is my guy! He is a DOLL!!! The drama, it owns me! Thanks for recapping, BooMama! Love it!

  11. Did anyone see how dirty the train of her dress was? I read Big Mama’s take this morning and apparently it was driving her nuts just like me last night. And what’s with every guy telling her they’re going to make her a drink when she comes in. If she’d have taken a sip of each one she still would have been plastered. She’s got her work cut out for her.

  12. P.S. Anyone have a strong feeling Kiptyn might possibly be “playing for the other team”? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

  13. Sasha went to my HS….. I am going to be so bummed if I missed the chance to sneek a peek at “the home town date”! I had to fast forward through the feet part. It was really creeping me out! Don’t you wonder how grossed out she was last night seeing that for the first time! Thanks for the recap… you are a gem! :)

  14. Does no one proofread for Chris? sheesh! Certainly there is someone that can help that poor guy.

  15. Creepy feet man looked totally peeved when someone else dried her feet off. But, I couldn’t stand the guy who said not once, but twice, Hot Tub Harris. ICK. I felt that a couple of those guys could’ve been “playing for the other team..”

  16. Totally agree with you! Here’s my groggy recap of last night:

  17. Could someone please mention “the Lifeguard”…..who has that profession year-round?! Thank goodness he didn’t make it.

  18. Love, love, LOVE your take, Boo Mama…I read Chris Harrison’s HIL-arious blog, but one thing…Jilli? I hope he doesn’t refer to her as Jilli all season!?!?

  19. I’m so glad you’re going to blog about the Bachelorette! It makes my day!

  20. Emily Massey says:

    Loved, loved, loved the recap even though I fell asleep before Jillian ever made it inside! Can’t wait to catch up later! Although everything you said made me giggle… the “Chamber of Headshots” made me laugh the most. I don’t know why…it obviously is not the funniest thing you said.

  21. I am so glad that I found your blog several months ago. Turns out I love everything you write about. Fantastic.

    So, the morning after the bachelorette, the gentlemen that I can still remember are Kiptyn, the pilot (seemed sweet), and the break dancer. So… in my opinion, if I can still remember them, they must be a step ahead of the other guys.

  22. Okay, so I have never before watched any of the Bachelor series, because honestly I MOCK reality TV and I’m pretty sure that you lose brain cells every time you watch. However, after reading your Bachelor recaps this winter (and reading them aloud to my poor unsuspecting husband more than once), I decided that I needed to watch the Bachelorette just so I would be in the know about what you write about.

    And can I just say that “On a scale of One to Bilbro, I am a Bilbro” cracked. me. up. And so did the guy at the end, maybe it was our friend Bilbro but I honestly have no idea because there were just way too many egotistical guys with hard abs for me to keep track, anyway the guy who was eliminated and said “I guess she doesn’t like awesome guys.” Bwuahahaha. Are these people for real?

    Anyway, my husband has softball practice every monday night so I get to watch the Bachelorette along with you without him making fun of me. Life is good.

  23. Oh my — what a way to start the season. The testosterone was everywhere! Boys, boys, she’s just a girl — albeit a pretty one, but just a girl (who can put your face and name right in the middle of America’s collective conscious).

    And yes, Boo, she’s skinnier. I bet she’s been shredding like a mad woman since she got the “You’re the new Bachelorette” word.

    My heart is still leaping over the breakdancing event. I had no clue one can make a living as a breakdance instructor. Apparently, I’m not getting out enough.

    It is the beginning of one interesting little summer….. eh?

  24. And just one more thing — KipTYN? Please parents! You stick the boy with a name that sounds like the stuff that makes Superman weak and then you spell it weird. What were ya thinking?

  25. Jillian is a doll and she is a great choice to be the bachelorette
    I swore I would not watch it again but dern it there I was last night sucked all up in it!
    It better have a happy ending or I am done with that show – hehe!

  26. Okay, I was lost for a second. When yopu said that one day Michael & Greg would have kids, I was confused and thought you meant TOGETHER. Couldn’t quite figure that one out! ;)

  27. Oh, thank goodness the Bachelorette is back. My Mondays were about to be devoid of shallowness what with the end of Gossip Girl AND the Hills within a week of one another.

  28. LOL I love your humour. I will definitely be looking forward to your reviews.

  29. You know, I love your blog. I love it even more when you recap the Bachelor/Bachelorette because I don’t usually watch those shows (I consider that form of entertainment below me… *snort*) and your recaps allow me to be able to chat about the goings-on during water-cooler talk.

    HOWEVER. This time, the Bachelorette, Jillian, is from Peace River. This is significant for me, as Peace River is only 1.5 hours away. In other words, it’s totally possible that they may end up choosing ME for the next Bachelorette. So what that I’m happily married?

    Seriously though, I think it RAWKS that they have such a sassy Canadian girl, and so therefore I feel positively obliged to actually watch this season. I shall still enjoy your recaps – possibly even more now since I’ll know what you’re talking about.

  30. lavonda says:

    The feet-man scared me.

    He reminded me a little of Eddie Murphy in thatmovieIcan’trememberthenameof (with Robin Givens) and a CSI episode I recently saw in reruns that was really odd.

    Use those feet, Jillian, and run away from him…

  31. I have been looking forward to your re-cap since last season! It is spot on!!

    I don’t think Jillian would have kept Tanner P if she would have heard all the “foot talk!” That was just plain weird!!

  32. That Tanner P was kinda crazy. He gave me the creeps. Although I should say that I have a foot issue too … I hate them. So he will have to go … and soon.

    My only sad thing was that Jillian in all of her fashionable wonder ended up wearing a white dress with a train when it was raining so the whole time I was very sad about all of that brown mud on her dress. Looking forward to much better fashion choices the rest of the season.

  33. Ok, so you know you’re the only reason I’m watching this, right? Ok, so at least that’s what I’m telling my husband. “But Boomama said…” carries a lot of weight around this house. :)

  34. I am so delighted that you’ll be blogging this. I love your perspective on these things!

  35. Oh, I’m so glad you blogged about it. I try every season to not give in, but I just can’t seem to resist.

    And yes, Jillian’s WAY skinnier. (I think she’s way skinnier!) :)

  36. Fact:
    Jillian IS thinner. That is pretty much all we talked about watching it.

    Scott made me rewind as I was fast forwarding. Apparently he doesn’t want to miss a moment.

    I was sorely disappointed to not hear a single “amazing journey” reference.

  37. I know this is particularly cheesy, but we don’t get TV and I was wondering if you knew anywhere online I could watch the Bachelorette??? I would love you forever… (if I didn’t already! ;)