Saturday at lunch my sweet friend Wendi asked me if I would re-post a tanning bed tale of woe that I originally posted back in 2006. And since I’m a wee bit tired from all the laughing and not sleeping we did this past weekend, I think that sounds like a fine idea. So here you have it – one from the archives. Hope y’all have a great Monday!
I saw a cute teenage girl this morning who looked unusually tan for February (though most people look “unusually tan” when standing next to me, I of the no-melanin-at-all persuasion), and for a moment I was puzzled by her golden hue. It seemed out of context in the middle of such bleak weather, but after a split second my brain clicked and I realized that the origin of her tan had nothing to do with nature and everything to do with a booth and some “mystical” spray.
I couldn’t help but wish that we had only had the luxury of the spray-on tan back in my college days, and my thoughts immediately took me back to Starkville. Which took me back to Derby Day. Which took me back to a small salon on Highway 25 and an ill-fated 17-minute stay in a tanning bed.
It was March, you see, and the annual Sigma Chi Derby Day was fast approaching. Our sorority t-shirts were going to be red, and one of the powers-that-be at the time decided that we should wear white shorts. Fear and trembling filled my soul, because when you have no melanin in your skin, white shorts are perhaps the most unflattering garment that you could possibly put against your pasty legs because really, they only serve to enhance the blue in your veins.
Since I didn’t have the power to fight the Sorority Dress Code, I figured that I needed to be proactive and somehow change the color of my legs. WHY IN THE WORLD this bothered me I couldn’t tell you – now I would just put on the white shorts and be done with it – but there was much planning and calculating on my end. First I tried some self-tanner, but in the late 80’s the only thing self-tanner did, at least on me, was create an unnatural orange shade. I had no choice but to undertake option #2.
The day before Derby Day, I made an appointment with a local salon that had 5 or 6 tanning beds. Unbeknownst to me, some beds had stronger bulbs than others, but since I didn’t know one bed from another, I picked the one with the cutest name and made my way down the hall to the bed called Bora Bora.
In hindsight there are many things I could have done differently. But I think the main piece of advice I’d give to my former self would be, “Put on sunscreen.” You see, it never occurred to me that stepping into a tanning bed without some sort of lotion or sunscreen would be the equivalent of stepping onto a beach at noon, nude, covered in Crisco, and staying there for three hours. It seems that I was deceived by the misnomer “tanning bed,” which frankly, in my case, should have been called “burn-up-your-milky-white-behind bed,” but I’m getting ahead of myself.
I had a 30 minute appointment, but in a fit of responsible behavior I decided that 17 minutes was plenty. Plus, I was burning up, and I’ve never really been one to enjoy activities that involve heat. So I got out of the “tanning” bed, put on my clothes, and drove back to my dorm. I looked forward to the golden tan that would no doubt greet me in the morning.
Morning came, and there was no tan. I figured I didn’t stay in Bora Bora long enough, had wasted $15, and gloomily donned my white shorts and red t-shirt. I have a vivid memory of standing outside the Chi O house as we prepared to walk over to Derby Day – I hoped that I wouldn’t be an embarrassment to the sisterhood, because the rest of the girls had golden tans which contrasted ever-so-beautifully with their white shorts.
Over the course of the day I noticed that my face felt flush, but I chalked it up to all the derby-ish excitement. I didn’t pay much attention until around tug-o-war time, when my legs started to feel ever-so-slightly warm. I noticed my normal chalky whiteness turning to pale pink, then brighter pink, then red – and I knew I was in trouble. By the time I got back to my dorm room, I was, as they say, ablaze with color.
I remember that I went out that night with my friend Bryan I., and at the time he drove some sort of Jimmy / Blazer truck. The primary reason I remember that was because I had to climb into it and out of it, and my knees, well, they weren’t bending so well. We had a lovely time, as I recall, and it’s a mighty good thing – because by the time I got home later that night, I knew I was in Capital T Trouble. Bora Bora bit back. And hard.
At first there was the nausea, and after a couple of hours of fighting it I finally surrendered and went down the hall to the COMMUNITY BATHROOM, where I LAID DOWN and even SLEPT A BIT. The tile provided sweet relief – because I cannot tell you how burning up hot I was. I rubbed Noxzema over every part of my body – and I don’t care what kind of mental image that conjures, because OH, I was on fire with the heat of a thousand suns. Or bulbs, as it were. As it turns out, though, that Saturday night was the easy part. Sunday was much more difficult.
By Sunday afternoon the backs of my knees had started to blister and ooze. As a result, I could not bend my knees at all, and that did present a bit of a problem in a collegiate setting where there are Many, Many Stairs. I will never forget that I had a history test that Monday morning, and I needed to go study with Elizabeth M. because she was very smart and always “went to class” and “took notes.” She lived in a different dorm, however, and I had to walk up several flights of stairs to get to her room.
I swear it took me 25 minutes to get from the parking lot of McKee Dorm up to the “intensive study floor” where she lived, and when I got there, I couldn’t sit because it hurt too much to bend my knees that way, and Elizabeth really wasn’t very interested in helping me because I had “skipped class” and “not taken notes,” so at some point I just gave up and walked, stiff-legged, back down to my car where I had to slide under the steering wheel with the seat pushed back as far as it would go because there was no way, no way at all that my knees would ever. bend. again.
I did get better over the course of the next few days. By the next week, I even attempted to skate at a Chi O Owl Court skating party (tragic mistake – because when I fell, the scabs on the backs of my knees prevented me from getting up, and if memory serves P-Dub finally just let me hold on to his waist while he propelled me around the skating rink, and when I needed to stop I would hurl myself into the waist-level wall because it would break my fall). The pictures from this event are hysterical – and if I can find one I will scan it and post it – because I wore a hot pink sweater that, as it turned out, perfectly matched the color of my face. AND, I might add, the scabs over the water blisters leaked a time or nine, so my jeans were covered with blister-y liquid all across the backs of the knees. Really, I don’t why I didn’t come away from that event with several potential suitors.
I can’t imagine that I’ve ever looked more attractive.
Oh dear, all of that from just 17 minutes in a tanning bed? Thank goodness you didn’t stay the full 30 minutes.
I’m laughing and all I can think is “You poor thing!” I’ve always been dark so I didn’t have to worry about lily whiteness (which is beautiful by the way), but my poor sister got my daddy’s genes. Mix that with my beach lovin’ mama and you’ve got a bad combination. My sister actually gets in a tanning bed now only she knows her limits – about 8 minutes. ;)
I am so sorry this happened to you, but you made a great story out of it!
I’m a whitey too. I usually start at like 3 minutes in the tanning bed…of course that was back in my college days as well. Got any more treasures from the years past? I would love to read more funny stories and re-posting would make blogging life easy for you!
Another melanin-challenged woman here! Once, the museum I worked for needed to photograph someone wearing replica historic clothing that was white. I fit the costume, so it was my job . . . but after the first photo shoot, they couldn’t tell where the costume ended and my skin began!!! For real.
I had to do the self-tanner for a week just to APPEAR ON FILM. Sigh.
One of my favorite posts from your archives is about your friend with the punch drunk kitten in the dryer and trying to save it…lol!
Too funny! Things we do in college. I remember those days ALL so well!
My all-time favorite post!!!! Thanks for the memories, Soph!
Oh, I have been there, done that, and know EXACTLY how you felt. 100%.
I’m dying laughing over here. I had an incident like that only durng my recovery phase I learned that I was allergic to the menthol cooling lotion that I had spread over my entire body. So instead of just being tragically burned, I was tragically burned with hives. Lovely times I tell ya!
That was so good!
Oh sweet mercy!!! I don’t know whether to laugh or cringe or maybe do both simultaneously! But I DO know I want to see pics of this sweater/skin matching thing you had going. During my one tanning bed experience, I got so hot and claustrophic (it reminded me of a glowing, humming coffin!!!) I left pretty quickly. I just itched for hours, but didn’t actually burn. I had a friend who got so burnt on a beach vacation she ended up passing out in the bathroom floor at 2 a.m. And then had to ride 11 hours to get home the next day. Not good!!
One of my favorite things about you is that you’re such a quintessential Southern belle – the fact that you need a day to recover from a weekend of laughter is almost as awesome as this story!
Love it!!! I am so glad you posted this, my friend, and I can’t tell you how seeing you made my year already!!! I love you dearly!
HAHAHAHA! The days of the white shorts and red shirts…good times! I HATE I couldn’t be there this past weekend, but I know y’all had a blast. love you!
They should really require someone who knows what they’re doing to accomapny first time tanners. Because I might have had a similar problem.
Too funny sophie! This is why I want you to keep blogging! I think I know the tanning salon you speak of and last time I went, bora bora still existed… I can recommend a great self tanner if you need it!
There are several things that I would love to go back and tell my college self. Among them, get out of the sun and don’t go to tanning beds!! Your wrinkled/ spotted/ 51 year old self will thank you.
Oh my golly!!!! I think I just peed my pants reading this!!!!!!
Well, I hadn’t thought of Derby Day or Elizabeth M. in years! I know everyone was so glad to see you this weekend. I wore my Bid Day t-shirt — yes I’ve saved it all these years — Saturday as I thought of everyone and all the laughter that surely took place! Loved this post, friend.
If I didn’t have a similar situation at Auburn, except before an ADPi winter formal (where black dresses were required), I would laugh my head off at you. Howev, I will shake my head and say “bless your heart” in its place.
Thank you so much for posting this, Sophie! We are having yet another snow day here in New Hampshire and I really needed that laugh! :)
You are such a delight.
I’m laughing so hard. WITH you of course…not AT you:) That is too funny. what I woudln’t give to see a picture!
That is absolutely hilarious. You should submit that to some kind of stand up comic for material – excellent. Made me laugh out loud at work, so I have to go now. Everybody is looking at me funny.
All of us extreme caucasion people should be sending love to the inventors of mystic tan. Unfortunately, it came out way too late for me too though. I had some serious oozing burns in my day…though none quite like that and never involving roller skates. If only mystic tan were around back in our day.
Make sure your dermatoligist takes a look at the back of your knees! :)
Oh my word! I was in agony reading this story. I think I am scarred for life! I’m a very pale white too and I don’t think I even burn this bad! Oh sweet mercy the backs of my knees ache now!
I put on a pair of capris yesterday (it was 90 degrees in Kansas, for heaven’s sake!). I was shocked to see that my DNA and a chicken’s had mixed. At least from the calf down.
I too have burned myself to a crisp. The worst was when I fell asleep in the sun on my stomach and burned the fire out of the bottom of my feet. It was horrible! I didn’t walk for days!
Boo-Mama – Did you come to the anniversary in Starkville this past weekend? If you did, and I didn’t get the chance to meet you, I’m going to be so disappointed! And it was also Derby Day weekend! Yes, I went and watched the dances and yes, I am 31. I have no shame. Oh and about the tanning beds, I had a spot come on my face my Junior year in Starkvegas, and 6 years later, yep – skin cancer, but luckily the good kind. Thanks tanning beds! You will NEVER see my daughter (if I have one :)
Oh, this will never get old! Thanks for posting!
Wendi has told me this story for 20+years now. But her account of the story doesn’t do this post justice! Oh my word. I, too, know that white shorts only bring out the blueness of my legs! And oh, how I remember Bora Bora!
Oh, sister. This story makes my skin hurt. It is also perfect timing. I am getting ready to go back to Martin, TN this weekend to celebrate 50 years of our chapter on campus with my Chi-O sisters. I’ve been fretting over my pasty white skin, but I have promptly made myself an appointment with the spray tan lady. I’ve done this once before and I’ve found a place that doesn’t make you look like an orange oompa-loompa. The only downfall about the spray tan is when the technician administering the formula directs you to turn around and bend over so there isn’t a “big smile under each cheek”. Oh the things we do, but I am really excited about seeing some old friends and laughing at pictures and stories – with only one smile, of course! :)
This is the all time best blog!!! Thanks for reposting this.
I cannot even begin to tell you how many hours I spent in tanning beds in my late teens/early twenties and how dangerously close I came to your predicament on many occasions. But your story really TAKES.THE.CAKE. I did once blister my EARS so badly in Florida on a Spring Break trip that they bled. GRRRRRROSSSS. And ever so attractive.
I also didn’t know we were sisters. :) I am a Chi-O, too.
Oh my word, the PAIN of the tanning bed!! But this is one of the funniest stories ever. I can just picture you skating into the walls…and I’m rolling laughing!!!
Hilarious! Must have missed this the first time! Loved, Loved, Loved seeing you this weekend Boomama!!
And I too have been traumatized by the tanning bed as well. Those behind the knee blisters…know exactly what you are talking about!!
Love Love Sister!!
Oh my, such a funny story! Thanks for reposting…what a fun event in Starkvegas…love, love your blog…hugs and kisses!
This is absolutely one of the funniest things I have ever read. Tears are streaming down my face. The image of your oozing knees is killing me!
From one pale face to another, thanks for sharing (again).
Kathy
This is hilarious! Being similarly challenged I too visited Bora Bora. I just burned as well. Remember clearly those white shorts. And Elizabeth M. and the voice she probably used to inform you of your transgressions. Loved hanging out with our “famous” sister at lunch. Thanks for letting me eat off your plate!
Oh my goodness! Such a funny story! I literally LOLed at work as well! Then I had to share with a few coworkers since they were wondering what I was laughing at! I have never been in a tanning bed and now I’m thinking that was a smart decision since I too am melanin-challenged! LOL
Thanks for the laugh!!! I’m a whitey too, and before I got married, I decided I needed a litle help from the tanning bed. So, I went to the local salon, and signed up for a 6-week package. It was very weird, I learned this was not for me, since I could not for the life of me, figure out how to close the top tanning lid….I never did figure it out. I laid there on the bottom, and the top was 5 feet in the sky….still don’t know how those work. Never been back since!! ;-)
Thank you for re-posting this! Hilarious!!!
Bwahahahaha!!!!
I am going to FIND a reason to use the phrase, “…ablaze with color” tomorrow just so I can laugh again! Between that and “‘went to class’….’took notes'” I’m just howling!
While I’ve never gone to a tanning bed, I was once stupi….err, “irresponsible” enough while on vacation with friends not to ask for help applying sunscreen to my oneshadebelowtranslucent skin. So, we took our then-tiny kids and our picnic lunches down to the beach for a 10hr frolic and I came back looking like a one sided oyster. To make stupi… err, “irresponsibility” worse, I wasn’t sure if we were close enough friends to ask either of them to smear aloe on my back. I don’t know which did a finer job, my 4yo daughter or the long handled spoon I absconded with from the kitchen, but my back did get some relief.
Bless your heart (and I mean it the nice way) I am *so* sorry you went through all that but oh so grateful you decided to share with us!
oyster….
LOBSTER.
stupi…