When Emma Kate and I were in college we used to sit in our room and talk about how maybe one day we’d get married and have kids and live on the same cul de sac. Since both of us grew up in the country, our only frame of reference for cul de sac living came from Knots Landing, and that is precisely what we wanted: to walk out of our front doors each morning and see our kids off to school and stand in the street drinking coffee just like Valene Ewing and Karen MacKenzie.

Only without all the arguing. And disappearing spouses. And split personalities. And whathaveyou.

We just wanted to live close to each other. We wanted our children to know each other. We wanted our husbands to be buddies. And we wanted to have pretty houses filled with – and I quote – “LOADS of stripes and florals.”

Remember, it was the 90s. Pink cabbage roses were all the rage, people.

The years since those days in the Chi O house have been filled with all sorts of highs and lows: grad school for me, OT school for her, two marriages, four kids, seven cities, untold tears, countless laughs, innumerable prayers. There have been several times when we’ve called each other and vowed we couldn’t stay married EVEN ONE MORE DAY – only to decide by the time we hung up the phone that we just might make it after all. We’ve walked with each other through Serious Life Junk, we know each other’s struggles, and as much as we act like sixteen year-olds when we’re together, we don’t hesitate to get in each other’s business. If one of us says, “NOW LISTEN HERE, MISSY” – well, you know somebody’s about to set the record straight about something.

It’s been a mighty long time since we were roommates, and we still haven’t made it to the cul de sac. I’ve eyeballed the land to the side of EK’s new house and thought that maybe we just need to build us a cul de sac, but that’s pretty improbable since we don’t exactly live, you know, IN THE SAME TOWN. Our kids don’t get to see each other very often but have big fun when they do, and our husbands are in fact buddies, which just delights us to no end. Odds are you could walk through both of our houses without finding a single floral anything – our tastes have changed a wee bit since the early 90s.

And our friendship is stronger than ever.

This past weekend I went to hear Beth Moore in New Orleans, and she asked us to make a list of the five people who have been the most influential in our walk with God. Before I even put pen to paper, I knew that EK was one of my five. She has been utterly patient with me at every single stage of my adult life (especially during what I like to refer to as The Trainwreck Years), and when she’s spoken a hard truth, she has flat-out smothered that truth with love. EK’s example and her faithfulness – her love for God’s Word and His people – have encouraged me more than she will ever know.

EK has a deep and abiding affection for chocolate chip cookies and slapstick comedy (sidenote: JUST BECAUSE SOMEBODY FALLS DOWN DOES NOT MAKE A MOVIE WORTH SEEING, EK). She has an enthusiasm for MSU football and basketball that makes me so happy and a fondness for procedural medical dramas that knows no bounds. She has, as my daddy would say, more common sense than you can shake a stick at, and she can organize anything if you’ll just give her a little peace and quiet so she can make her lists and find the right storage baskets. She loves her family – deeply – and she is fiercely loyal. She’s competitive as all get-out. She’s as tenderhearted as they come. She’s sassy as can be.

I just love her to pieces.

And if you knew her, you would, too.

Happy 40th, EKP!

Last year in Uganda Anne told me a little bit about a book she was working on called Mad Church Disease. I thought the concept – ministry burnout and how to overcome it – was oh-so-clever and intriguing since I have several friends in ministry who can hover on the edge of utter exhaustion if they’re not careful. It’s the part of ministry that nobody ever talks about, really – the part where you’re so busy taking care of other people’s needs that you neglect to meet your own. Sometimes you feel distant from your family. Lots of times you even feel distant from God.

Before Christmas I got a copy of Anne’s book in the mail, and after I got past the feeling of being SO STINKIN’ PROUD OF HER, I sat down and read. And read. And read. I thought of many of my friends as I read Anne’s stories and anecdotes. I identified personally with some of the struggles Anne mentions. And I loved the frankness with which Anne addresses it all.

Anne’s making the rounds on several blogs today, and mine is one of them. She offered to answer any questions that I had after reading MCD, so I sent her a question that came up during a conversation with my Bible study friends a couple of months ago. Here it is:

Let’s say someone works as an assistant to a senior pastor / executive pastor / high-up-person-on-the-church-leadership-flowchart. And let’s say that someone who works as an assistant notices that his or her boss is stressed, anxious, tired – basically on the verge of burnout. Do you think there are any specific things that assistant could do for his or her supervisor to lighten the load? Or should the assistant just stay out of it? I ask this because a friend and I had this very conversation a few weeks ago – and I’m not sure we came to any real conclusions.

Her response is so wise:

To answer your question – YES. Absolutely YES. How will depend on that person’s relationship with their supervisor and it could take some serious guts…maybe even putting their job on the line in the worst case scenario….but we have a responsibility to carry each other’s burdens (See Galatians 6).

A few ways the assistant could do this practically:

1. Communicate it directly. Set some time up with the supervisor to specifically address this. Don’t throw it in the mix of another meeting. “The reason I wanted to meet with you today is because I’m concerned.” Explain the behavior you see that is worrying you.

2. Offer any assistance you can provide. If it’s something obvious like a particular project or area of responsibility, THINK AHEAD. Assistants know better than anyone the details of what’s happening. Make a plan ahead of time of how you can lighten the load and recommend it for the supervisor. Otherwise, you’re giving that person more work trying to figure out what you can do.

3. Encourage them consistently and appropriately. When I see my own pastor getting stressed or overwhelmed, or maybe he indicates he’s had a long day, I shoot him a text message or quick email just to say how honored I am to work with him and that his passion for what he does is contagious. Small gifts for his family like a dinner out or offering to babysit so they can have time are both practical ways you can also encourage him.

4. Lead by example. You may be on support staff but people all around you see what you do. Are you contributing to a 24/7 workaholic, always available culture? Or do you have boundaries that you stick by? As an example, I don’t typically check my work email on the weekend. If I do, I won’t respond until Monday unless it’s a legit emergency. This is the culture on our church staff, but it has to be constantly made intentional. Talk freely about the time you spend with your friends or spouse. Leave on time. When you’re sick, stay home. All these things will communicate what is more important…work? Or health?

5. When all else fails, find someone else to help. It may be another pastor, or an elder, or a leader you know your boss trusts. If it doesn’t seem like your concern is having an impact and your leader is still about to fry, talk to someone else respectfully. Don’t spread rumors or talk about it with everyone…but find one or two key people that you know your supervisor will listen to.

Don’t EVER think “I’m just an assistant!” Who cares? You’re a believer! There is no hierarchy when it comes to caring for each other!

See? Isn’t she good?

If you’d like to read a sample chapter from Mad Church Disease, head over to Anne’s blog and follow the links.

You’ll be so glad you did.