So for the first time in my whole life, I just finished a real-live magazine article, something that apparently will be printed on actual, bona fide paper. And a month or so ago, when I told my husband that a very nice person had asked me to write the article, he said, “So. Does this mean you’ll call yourself a writer now?”

“OH. HEAVENS NO,” I replied.

Please remember: magazines may come and go, but a complete absence of confidence is forever.

I’m thinking of lovingly cross-stitching that last sentence on a pillow.

Anyway, the deadline has been hanging over my head for the last couple of weeks, and while I felt pretty good about finishing the article, I experienced approximately fourteen kinds of trepidation about the accompanying biography thing I had to submit.

I mean, I know that this is probably just one more thing to add to my ever-growing list of bizarro issues, but I’m generally not a fan of the serious biography that lists various achievements and qualifications and whathaveyou. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t really achieved anything, nor I am particularly qualified, unless of course we’re talking about eating fried chicken and/or watching reality television, in which case, well, ACES.

So the bottom line is that I’d prefer to condense my life into 150 words without mentioning myself at all. You can appreciate my dilemma, I’m sure. In the end I just copied and pasted the little “about me” blurb that I use at AllAccess. And in case you’re thinking, Gosh, that sure does seem like the easy way out, I would just like to say YOU BETCHA IT IS.

The good news is that now that I’m all done with the deadline-y stuff, I feel like I’m finally going to have some quality DVR time again. I’m at least two episodes behind on almost every show I watch – even three, in some cases, but I can’t talk about that because it stresses me out. It’s an UNPRECEDENTED television backlog for me, but you may rest assured that I am completely committed to tackling it. The DVR will not beat me, my friends. Of this I am certain.

I also plan to sit down at some point and chronicle the wonderfulness that was this past weekend’s trip to Memphis. Yes, there were some funny moments, but more than anything else I got to spend time with some of my closest friends who have never met each other (does that makes sense? Because what I mean, for example, is that Melanie and Emma Kate finally got to meet. And Melanie met Bubba. And Emma Kate met Travis. And Janie met Melanie. And why do I suddenly feel like I’m writing a geometry proof?).

(Because I think we all know that when I’m sitting around catching up on the DVR, I like to write geometry proofs just for kicks.)

(It’s just one of my many math-related hobbies.)

Hope y’all have a great Thursday!

So about an hour ago I stretched out on the bed because the flu patient wanted to read me a book called “Moose Goes To School” or something like that, and Moose had barely gotten his hooves in the door of the schoolhouse before Mama here fell sound asleep.

And now I’m awake. So I think the odds are pretty good that there are some 2 AM infomercials in my immediate future. Or at the very least a Snugglie showcase on QVC. Who knows? Maybe around midnight I’ll decide to paint the vanity in my bathroom and then rearrange the furniture in the den. The insomnia-related possibilities are endless!

Anyway. The Office.

Last week we learned that Jim and Michael are now going to be co-managers at the Scranton branch, and Dwight’s reaction to the news was a surefire indication that we have great comic possibilities in store. So here’s to hoping that a few of those comic possibilities come to fruition tonight.

And also: here’s to hoping for a whole lot of Andy Bernard.

(By the way – have we ever seen the office where Jim is before? Or is it new? I am terribly confused.)

1. “I’m the big picture guy.”

“Well, I would like to file a huge, enormous complaint about the tallest guy in our office.”

2. “$18,000 and a chance at the title! HOO HA!”

3. “Yesterday we had a meeting about planets.”

4. “Well, to be fair, Jim…James…Jimothy…are you okay with being called Jim?”

5. “Why doesn’t Crate and Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash?”

6. “My cousin makes the most amazing romantic birdhouse mailboxes – I probably shouldn’t tell you, but you’ll still be surprised when you see it.”

7. “I guess, if I really think about your question, I’d have to go with LC. Heidi is a bad friend, and her skin is terrible.”

8. “When I am irritated and look at you, I don’t see you anymore. All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.”

9. “You use your brain too much. Sometimes, as far as people, don’t think at all.”

10. “Do you take a check? In the memo line I’m going to write To Love’s Eternal Glory.”

11. “Why don’t you enliven me?”

12. “What we’re going to do is go into here, and we will not come out until we do.”

13. “If people here were our founding fathers, the Revolutionary War would have been delayed ten years. Because Stanley Washington was napping. And Phyllis Hancock was still signing the Declaration. And Kevin Jefferson was distracted by a butterfly.”

14. “The guy has an algorithm to determine the outcome of any college basketball game! Don’t tell Jim.”

I didn’t think this week’s episode was nearly as funny as last week’s, but the tension was probably necessary to establish the new balance of power in the office – and to set up Jim and Michael as allies while Dwight schemes behind the scenes.

So. What did y’all think? And did you see the previews for next week? DID YOU SEE? Raise your hand if you think you’ll cry.

To Love’s Eternal Glory,
Me

From the time I was in seventh grade until I graduated from high school, my daddy and I went to all of the MIssissippi State home football games together. For those five years I believed with all my heart that there was no such thing as too much spirit wear, and it wasn’t uncommon for me to go to a game wearing a Mississippi State t-shirt topped with a Mississippi State sweater topped with a Mississippi State windbreaker. And naturally I would accessorize with my Mississippi State earrings and my Mississippi State necklace.

All the while holding a cowbell, of course.

When I was 14 Daddy and I went to the State/Ole Miss game in Jackson, and on our way into the stadium, I spotted a large MSU megaphone that was attached to a chain. Naturally I had to have it because, I mean, the shirt and the sweater and the earrings and the necklace and the cowbell and the pompom clearly weren’t enough to convey my love for my team. So Daddy bought the megaphone for me, and I used it to yell like crazy during a game that ended with a field goal that has come to be known as The Immaculate Deflection. We lost 24-23.

Oh, I was heartbroken. And to add insult to injury, my friend Jon – who was and still is a Rebel fan of the highest order – came over to our house later that night and put a huge sign that said “24-23” in our front yard. If it hadn’t been for the fact that Jon’s daddy was a preacher (in my teenage estimation, being a preacher meant you were closer to God and therefore could SMITE SOMEONE VERILY if they misbehaved), I would have retaliated. But instead I just held tight to my megaphone-on-the-chain while I cried over the field-goal-that-wasn’t.

It was terrible.

This past Saturday we spent the morning at a soccer game and got home just in time for Mississippi State/LSU game. For whatever reason I had a feeling that we were going to give the Tigers a run for their money, so I set up base camp in front of the TV in our bedroom and hunkered down for an afternoon of football.

This is what base camp looked like, by the way.

Computer. Comfy chair. Diet Coke. The only thing you can’t see is my phone, and that’s because I was using it to take the picture. Looking for the real camera would have required far too much effort in light of the suspense-filled football festivities.

For the next three hours we screamed and clapped and cheered and sighed. I can’t even begin to tell you how many texts I exchanged with Sister. The lead went back and forth, forth and back, and by the fourth quarter, when Dan Mullen led the team in the Dog Pound Rock on the sideline, I was convinced we were going to win. I just knew it. Especially when a certain six year-old ran out of the room saying, “I’LL BE RIGHT BACK” – and then ran back in the room a minute later looking like this.

Oh, bless him. And yes, that’s my old megaphone hanging around his neck. It’s his heritage, people.

We took turns cheering through the megaphone for the rest of the game, and we were crushed when the Bulldogs came up short (six inches short, to be exact). We were a smidge deflated when it was all said and done. Our boys played so hard, and it hurt my heart to watch them walk off that field without a win.

Despite the loss, it was such a fun afternoon – lots of screaming and jumping and laughing with my people. We’re so stinkin’ proud of our Bulldogs (WHO’D HAVE THOUGHT they’d give the #7 team in the country a run for their money?), and we know they’ll bounce back. Georgia Tech is up next. Watch out, Yellow Jackets.

Another positive? No gloating LSU fans put a sign in my yard that said “30-26.” Thank goodness I didn’t have to cry into my megaphone again.

So. How did your team do on Saturday?