On the off chance that you’re keeping score at home, you may have noticed that I’ve been dealing with a higher than average number of mild health-related annoyances. Nothing serious, mind you – just, well, aggravating. And a wee bit funny. So, just for kicks and giggles, I thought we’d run through a list of the odd maladies with which I have been afflicted in the last three weeks. This is going to be some RIVETING CONTENT, my friends, so pull up a chair and sit a spell. It’s time to TALK ABOUT SOME AILMENTS.
Here’s my list. Giddy up.
1. A skin condition flare-up. My husband assures me that I don’t need to go into details with this one, and that’s precisely why I’m leaving out the specifics. But it happened the week of .MOM. At the time I told Melanie that while I had known to expect a little opposition from the enemy since I was stepping way outside my comfort zone, I certainly wasn’t expecting anything with such a Job-like flair. But yes. Icky skin stuff. NOW THE INTERNET KNOWS.
(It’s much better now, in case you’re wondering. And even though I’ve overshared, I do hope that you’ll still be able to look me in the eye should we ever meet in person.)
2. A sciatic nerve issue. Honestly, I don’t know whether the skin troubles or the sciatic nerve troubles would win in some sort of Mamaw Medical Olympics, but I’m thinking that the sciatic nerve stuff gets a slight edge because it results in some hobbling and possibly even the use of a cane.
3. An unfortunate incident with some tricky shoes that resulted in me falling down WHILE SEEMINGLY WALKING NORMALLY and landing on my left knee and then catching myself with my hands and then being helped to my feet by a kind young man who was trying to do the right thing by checking on me but I could tell that he wanted to laugh because, hello, I FELL RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. Said incident was remedied by retiring to the nearest restroom so that I could cry in private and then pretend like I was totally fine even though my knee looked like I was a four year-old who took a really nasty turn on her Big Wheel.
4. A crazy bout of jaw and facial pain. Like can’t-possibly-take-enough-Excedrin-Migraine jaw and facial pain. That’s actually why I went to the doctor last week. But as it turned out, the doctor said my trouble was what I initially suspected…
5. A sinus infection. Really, a sinus infection seems so bland and run-of-the-mill in the midst of all the falling and sciatic-ing and whathaveyou. But it’s been an easy fix. And for that I am grateful.
6. An unhappy wisdom tooth. Please see #4. Because when the crazy jaw and facial pain didn’t disappear after I started the antibiotic, I consulted my dentist. And the dentist said, “WHOA, NELLIE, THAT WISDOM TOOTH HAS TO GO.”
(My dentist didn’t really say, “Whoa, Nellie.”)
(But wouldn’t it have been great if he had?)
Anyway, getting rid of that wisdom tooth is gonna be my big happy fun time next week. I just keep reminding myself that I’d rather get ‘er done now than for that tooth to revolt on me while I’m in Ecuador. I do not want to have to VOY AL MEDICO EN ECUADOR.
And then, Sunday morning, I had the sweet privilege of encountering what I hope will be the final chapter of this illustrious I’ve-gone-all-to-pieces epistle:
7. A stomach virus. Oh, I’m not kidding. I was in church (by myself, no less), all ready to hear sweet Katie Davis share her story, and I started to feel decidedly not at all normal. I squirmed and fidgeted and tried to pretend that I wasn’t increasingly nauseated, but nothing worked. Once the cold sweats started, I decided I’d better make a move, so I quickly got up from my seat, walked out of the sanctuary and was so taken aback by how weak in the knees I was that I darted into the nearest hallway and SPRAWLED OUT ON THE FLOOR OF AN EMPTY SUNDAY SCHOOL ROOM.
Oh, yes ma’am. Just keepin’ it klassy at Brook Hills.
And I’ll tell you what: I was not at all – NOT AT ALL – optimistic about making it out of that Sunday School room without throwing up first. But after about five minutes, I heard a still, small voice say something along the lines of “IT’S NOW OR NEVER, SISTER.” I stood up, walked as quickly as I could to the little man’s Sunday School room, told him we were gonna head home a little early and then skedaddled to our car POSTHASTE.
The good news is that we made it home safely.
The bad news is that it was not my favorite afternoon of all time.
Once the worst was over, though, I slept and slept and slept and slept and slept and slept some more. Today I have continued the sleeping trend. I have also watched about twelve episodes of Say Yes To The Dress, which may well be the most perfect sick day TV show ever. It’s not hard to follow, there are pretty dresses, Randy’s voice is oddly soothing, and if you doze off and miss about 15 minutes, you can pick up right where you left off even if there’s a different bride on the screen.
Anyway, I’m all better now. Rested. Good as new (except for that pesky wisdom tooth). However, I would like to point out the sweet, sweet irony of my list considering that I’ve been trying to exercise pretty regularly on the elliptical motion machine/elliptical/ellip and have gradually cut out all post-lunch caffeine. Which means that I have one cup of coffee and one Diet Coke a day. Which means that I no longer drink Diet Coke all day long. Which means that I HARDLY KNOW MYSELF ANYMORE.
So there you have it. I have now written a whole post about all the many ways I’m falling apart. It’s like the internet is my Mamaw Davis’ kitchen, and I’ve turned into my Aunt Myrt and feel compelled to share Here’s What’s Not Working while I drink my morning coffee.
My ONE CUP of coffee, mind you. JUST ONE. ONLY ONE. BARELY EVEN A TEASPOON OF CAFFEINE.
It’s been a crazy three weeks. Fingers crossed that there’s a little patch of boring on the horizon.
That would be so nice.
Love,
Mamaw
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