Y’all see that title up there?

I didn’t make that up, people.

You can thank The Bachelorette‘s Jake the Commercial Pilot for that little preshus prize. And I am not one stitch kidding when I tell you that when he said those words (which were followed by “that could quite possibly turn into marriage”), I was so overcome by the combination of parallel structure and TOO MUCH JILLIAN-RELATED EMOTION TOO SOON that I had to pause the DVR, take a deep, cleansing breath and applaud.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. We’ll get back to Jakey in just a minute.

On tonight’s episode there were three dates – two group and one individual. And if a bachelor got a rose on a date, not only was he safe – he got to move to the mansion where Jillian is staying. However, I had a hard time concentrating on the logistics of it all because for the first five minutes of the show I felt a little creeped out by the guy who’s obsessed with feet and who also seems to enjoy wearing tank tops.

The first group date was a pool party at Jillian’s house. There was the obligatory pool volleyball game, and afterwards Michael the break dance guy came on way too strong and scared me. Then Jillian pulled a SHOCKING BACHELORETTE FAKE-OUT by grabbing the rose, hopping in a Mini Cooper, leaving the party and challenging the guys to a scavenger hunt. It was a beautiful tactic, mainly because it provided Chris Harrison with the opportunity to tell the guys that “the race for Jillian’s heart is on.”

I’m telling you: these Bachelorette people will do absolutely anything for the sake of a pun.

The guys had to complete a series of challenges in their race to find Jillian, and I got a huge kick out of the fact that all the tough manly men were racing shirtless around the streets of Los Angeles in a convoy of Mini Coopers. Perfect. I don’t know why it took them so long to figure out that Jillian was locked in a bank vault (DUH) with some precious jewels (why? because SHE IS A TREASURE, that’s why), and after Wes the Country Singer and Brad found her first, she decided to have dinner with Wes the Country Singer inside the aforementioned bank vault.

I couldn’t help but think that the world is just jam-packed with crazy coincidences because that is EXACTLY where my husband and I went on our first date.

What? Didn’t y’all?

So Jillian gave Wes a rose, and the other guys on the group date were mortified because they think Wes isn’t really interested in Jillian – they think he’s just there to further his country music career. I don’t know whether that’s true or not, but if it is in fact Wes’ strategy, he might want to re-think it. I mean, as we all know, countless successful recording careers have been born out of a short-lived stint on a reality dating show. Kudos, Wes.

Or as Ramona on The Real Housewives of New York City might say (and as Melanie and I now say almost daily): Kudoos.

The individual date went to Jake, who is to be congratulated for employing some of the cheesiest first date techniques I’ve ever had the sweet privilege to witness. When he and Jillian went to a western wear shop, he changed shirts in the dressing room with the door open (the better to see his six-pack, my dear). There was a brief attempt at dirty dancing while wearing some sort of sheepskin vest, and then he threw down the “soulmate” gauntlet a full hour into their date. Jake also called Jillian “Jilli,” swept in to bite off her mouth kiss her in the middle of a sentence (oh, I think he may have picked up some moves from the Lifetime Movie Network – or at the very least a romantic comedy starring the lovely Ms. Sandra Bullock), and basically tried so hard to impress Jillian that I felt like the Bachelor producers should give him a medal for his uncomfortably over-the-top, rose-winning efforts. Kudoos, Jake!

And then Martina McBride sang!

The last group date started off with a basketball game, and all of America wept for Simon, the soccer player from England (Simon throws a mean air ball). After a few minutes of hoops action the Harlem Globetrotters came out to play (OF COURSE THEY DID). The Globetrotters picked David as the best guy for Jillian, Juan seethed, and Mike ran into the ocean wearing nothing but a Speedo. Jillian and the guys went to a hotel for dinner, and after some drinks, Jillian talked to Juan, made out with Kiptyn (you will never convince me that he didn’t make up that name) and gave the rose to Mike. She also said “wicked” and “aboot.” So score.

Finally it was time for the cocktail party, where Tanner P. made a beeline for Jillian’s feet. He actually grabbed her foot and HELD ONTO IT, and in the words of Liz Lemon, “That’s a deal-breaker, ladies!” Then a sweet guy named Robby – who didn’t have a date at all – made Jillian a drink called The Robsmo (I would normally be all over this but am letting it go because bless his heart, he was just trying to make an impression), sat down to get to know her better, and was interrupted within about two seconds by Wes the Country Singer, who not only had a date with Jillian – he already had a rose, for pete’s sake.

I think Wes the Country Singer is bad news. And maybe skipped a night or ten of his Manners 101 class.

After the Robby / Wes debacle, Chris Harrison brought out a black box (in addition to puns, the producers also enjoy symbolism) so that the guys could vote for the one bachelor who they thought should go home – but the guys with roses were exempt. Juan got the most votes, but Jillian saved him with a rose. By the way, I can’t even talk about what Brian did by the pool, so I’m just pretending that it didn’t happen TRA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA.

I was tickled to see that despite Wes the Country Singer’s interruption, Robby still got a rose (bless his heart). Simon the Wicked Airballer didn’t get a rose, and to absolutely no one’s surprise, Brian didn’t receive one, either (say it with me: that pool stunt WAS A DEAL-BREAKER, LADIES). Julien and Mathue were the other two to go, but I have no idea why.

Or as Julien and Mathue might say: eye halfve know eyedeah wahigh.

Seriously, people. This season’s tricky name spellings are way out of hand.

Look out, Kiptyn.

It would hard to believe that it’s time for the finals of American Idol if it didn’t feel like this season had stretched out over the course of about SEVENTY-TWO MONTHS.

Don’t get me wrong: I’ve enjoyed it. But it’s time to wrap ‘er up and get a move on.

So that being said, here we go.

Adam Lambert – “Mad World” – I know that I should probably try to be all objective and whathaveyou, but the combination of the long black coat and the foggy stage sort of freaked me out a little bit. Not to mention Adam’s COMPLETE ABSENCE OF BLINKING. Plus, I’m not a huge fan of falsetto. So for me it was just a’ight, but I can see how this performance would be Deeply Meaningful for Adam fans.

[Sidenote to Randy: that tie is a WINNER.]

[Seriously: MAJOR score with that tie.]

Kris Allen – “Ain’t No Sunshine” – I loved this arrangement the first time he sang it, and I loved it again tonight. As I was watching this performance it occurred to me that Kris has been so stinkin’ consistent; week after week he has walked out on that stage and delivered. This song was a perfect example of that. I would buy his CD in a heartbeat.

[By the way, I’m so glad that they’re not doing that prizefighter garbage that they did last year between David Archuleta and David Cook.]

[Because that was SUPER cheesy.]

Adam Lambert – “Change Is Gonna Come” – So Simon Fuller picked the songs for this round, and I actually thought this was a great choice for Adam. It forced him to be soulful instead of dramatic, and I thought the soulful was a really refreshing change-o-pace. Even with a wee bit of screeching, he sang the fire out of this song. And in some strange way, he reminded me a little bit of Patti LaBelle (big notes, big soul, big finish, etc.).

[Anybody have any idea what’s going on with Paula’s hair?]

Kris Allen – “What’s Goin’ On” – Adam got a big ole song, and Kris apparently got a song that they wanted him to “interpret” (please see: last week’s “Apologize” pick). He did a great job with the arrangement – as much as he could’ve possibly done, I think – but since he didn’t have a song nearly as showy as Adam’s, he sort of paled in comparison in this round.

But we’ll put all that behind us because now? Now it is time for the “Soaring On Eagles’ Wings While Dreaming Of Climbing Mountains On Top Of The Highest Clouds” portion of the evening, the part of the show when the contestants sing an Incredibly Inspirational new ballad.

Adam Lambert – “No Boundaries” – I didn’t think that this song played to Adam’s strengths at all. He seemed to lose his way about half-way through, and it was his first performance that I would characterize as “pitchy.” It just wasn’t very good. I was actually a little sad for him because you just know that he wanted to finish strong – and he didn’t.

[Simon was still MIGHTY quick to endorse him for the whole kit and kaboodle, though.]

[Go figure.]

Kris Allen – “No Boundaries” – Kris won this round hands-down. The fact that he has a voice for pop music totally worked in his favor. The song was cheesy – don’t get me wrong – but he did a lot with a little, oh yes he did.

Ultimately I don’t think tonight did anything to change anyone’s vote – if you were an Adam fan at the beginning, you’re still an Adam fan (I really do give him major credit for what he did with “Change Is Gonna Come”). If you were a Kris fan at the beginning, you’re still a Kris fan.

Which means I will now be voting for Kris over and over again.

What say you, internets?

If you’d like to add your own AI post to the Mr. Linky, please leave a link to your specific post and not your general blog URL.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been trying to decide whether or not I wanted to blog about The Bachelorette. I mean, I know in my heart of hearts that anything Jillian does cannot even begin to compare to the romantical hijinks of Jason Mesnick. And since I know that, I am well aware that blogging about Jillian’s adventures probably won’t be nearly as kicky as our last Bachelor-related go ’round.

But then there is this very simple fact: apparently I am powerless to resist the lure of the cheesetacular that is the Bachelor franchise. It soothes me. It gives purpose to my Monday nights. And also: I read that at some point in tonight’s show there’s going to be a dance-off between two of Jillian’s suitors.

Needless to say, that last thing was pretty much the deciding factor for me.

So bring it on.

We started tonight’s show with a post-Jason Time of Reflection. We saw Jillian taking a walk in the rain, sitting on a bench, making a pot of hot tea, tending to her garden, going for a therapeutic run – all presumably integral parts of getting over Jason, at least for the sake of Bachelorette narrative. And if I had any doubts at all about giving this season my full and earnest commitment, Jillian’s Mary Tyler Moore-ish toss of her sassy beret totally sealed the deal.

Clearly anyone who remains emotionally unresponsive to a beret toss has a heart of pure, cold stone.

(By the way, does anybody else think Jillian looks thinner?)

(I think Jillian looks thinner.)

Next we got to meet the bachelors, and if I’m not mistaken the first guy’s name is Kipton (KIPTON? REALLY?), and he mentioned that he was working on a Switchfoot charity event (verrrrrry interesting). The producers also provided us with about four different opportunities to see that in Kipton’s free time, he really enjoys sculpting his abs.

(Did I say that his name is KIPTON? Well, I was wrong.)

(It’s KIPTYN.)

(KIPTYN. How in the world did I miss such a traditional spelling?)

Next we met Michael, a BREAK DANCE INSTRUCTOR. And that surging water sound you just heard? Was my newly discovered BOTTOMLESS WELLSPRING OF JOY.

We were introduced to a few other guys, including Stephen, who was quick to point out that he’s a catch because he’s an attorney-AT-LAW. I’m so glad he emphasized the “AT-LAW” part of his title, because otherwise we would have all been completely stumped about the context of the word “attorney.” Thank goodness he didn’t use the word “lawyer.” I would have been so confused.

I won’t even attempt to chronicle the rest of the fellas, but right off the bat I decided that Jillian is going to hit it off with Kiptyn (really? KIPTYN?) or Sasha or Jake. I cannot see her hitting it off with Greg, aka “Bilbro,” the fitness model who managed to do the “come on ride the train / and ride it” dance not once but twice within the span of about forty seconds.

After all the guys arrived at the cocktail party, we immediately saw that Jake is a take-action kind of guy. He grabbed Jillian for one-on-one time before anyone else did, but he was interrupted by a nice guy named Jesse, a wine maker from California who made the critical error – at least in my estimation – of referring to wine as “love juice.”

However, you could definitely make a case that using the phrase “love juice” wasn’t nearly as awkward as Jesse unbuttoning his dress shirt so that Jillian could see his “Aspiring Canadian” t-shirt. Since Jillian was such a great sport about everything, I made an extra effort to cringe enough for both of us. Really, it was the least I could do.

A few minutes later, LIKE MAGIC, we enjoyed the sweet privilege of performances by Wes the guitar player and Michael the breakdancer. And then – and I need to pause a moment so that I can wipe away the single tear from the corner of my left eye – we saw our First Oh-We-Can-Only-Hope-That-It-Will-Be-Annual Bachelorette Dance-Off. Obviously Michael was in the mix, and remember Greg aka “Bilbro”? The “come on ride the train guy”? HIM, TOO.

Now granted, I haven’t witnessed a breakdance contest since the days of Breakin’ 2: Electric Booglaoo, but this one was a total treat. I couldn’t help but think that one day Michael and Greg aka “Bilbro” are going to have kids, and one day those kids will watch the dance-off footage, which means that one day Michael and Greg aka “Bilbro” are going to throw their backs out trying to prove to their kids that DAD STILL HAS SOME SAH-WEET MOVES.

Since no initial Bachelor get-together would be complete without A Surprising Twist, we found out about midway through the festivities that there were actually five more guys waiting in the wings, bringing the total prospective bachelor count to 30. Our new crop of gentlemen included Ed, who seemed utterly sincere and likeable, and Tanner P, who had WAY too much interest in Jillian’s feet. Like, waaaaaaay too much interest in her feet. Like, he used the phrases “eagle claws,” “mangled” and “crooked toes” without even a trace of humor or irony. And y’all, he didn’t just look at her feet. He eyeballed them.

The first impression rose went to a guy named David, and then Jillian walked back into the Chamber of Headshots to discuss the bachelors with Chris. After she selected her twenty (just FYI: Jesse made the cut despite his use of the phrase “love juice”), everyone said their goodbyes, and unlike The Bachelor, there were no overserved, rose-less individuals who tried to make a tearful case for the “amazing connection” they thought they’d found during the six whole minutes they talked with Jillian. We saw some quick previews for the rest of the season (it appears that there will be a veritable surplus of drama), and the producers are already teasing us with video of Jillian dressed like a princess, (SUPPOSEDLY) waiting on her prince and (SUPPOSEDLY) a proposal.

As our Canadian friend Jillian might say, it’s gonna be wicked.

We should totally have a dance-off to celebrate.

Edited to add: you do not want to miss Chris Harrison’s blog post about last night’s episode. It is a treasure.

All righty, Office fans: we have us a brand-spankin’ new episode tonight, and that means, in the immortal words of Andy Bernard, “It’s on like a prawn who yawns at dawn.”

But make no mistake: I have my fingers crossed that Meredith’s too-short, strapless dress stays far, far away from tonight’s shenanigans.

1. “Occasionally I will sneak down here for a little coffee and dancing.”

2. “I will take your silence to mean that you’re all hiding something.”

3. “You know what I wanna do today? I want to marry you.” (!!!)

4. “When I was in charge, this place was like Dave & Buster’s.”

5. “Wittle Andy is afwaid.”

6. “And – all you can eat espresso.”

7. “Kevin, come.” “Kevin, stay.” “Stay, Kevin.” “Kevin! COOKIE!”

8. “Tell him I’m going dancing downstairs in the office that used to be a closet next to the utility shower and tell him he should join me there.”

9. “Can you please go back to work instead of masterminding these situations wherein we hurt ourselves?”

10. “I’m gonna need two able-bodied men.”

11. Kelly and Erin at Cafe’ Disco – sweet mercy.

12. “I’m not sure – but I’m pretty sure I’m in a dance-off.”

13. “He came in 9th at the Applecreek Derby. And his jerky came in 3rd the following year.”

14. “Look. I hate to be ‘that person,’ but I just don’t like the general spirit of music.”

15. “If these walls could talk, they would say, ‘This is a magical place. You are safe here. We are talking walls. We won’t eat you.'”

16. Andy’s Chair Dance (THAT WAS GOLDEN)

17. “What dance competition? I was just dancing casually with my friends, Y’ALL.”

18. “This is so cheesy. I like cheesy.”

Even though it was a little slow in the beginning, I thought this turned out to be such a sweet episode. The Dunder-Mifflin family is dysfunctional – but they’re family just the same.

And Angela even bounced her leg a little bit.

What did y’all think?

Now they say that tonight’s episode of “American Idol” is rock and roll night, but I’m hoping that there will be a broad interpretation of what constitutes “rock” because I’m not really much of a rock and roll fan and therefore would be very grateful if the contestants have a chance to branch out of the rock thang a little bit. However, to the AI folks’ credit, they’ve pulled in Slash as this week’s mentor, and he promises that “it’s gonna be a really good time.”

With each contestant singing two songs a piece, I reckon it will.

Adam Lambert – “Whole Lotta Love” – Y’all, I’m sure that people who know something about this kind of music would tell me that Adam’s performance was brilliant, but for me it was like fingernails on a chalkboard. There’s something about the tone of his voice that sort of makes my teeth hurt. Or maybe I just have dental issues. But regardless, this was not even a little bit enjoyable for me. Others seemed to like it, though, and I am delighted for them.

Allison Iraheta – “Cry, Baby” – I thought the verses felt a little jumbled and muddy, but the choruses were stronger. The biggest problem was that the song was boring. It didn’t give her a chance to show off her personality, and at this point in the game, we need to see that from her. Also: STOP ARGUING WITH SIMON.

Kris Allen and Danny Gokey – “Renegade” – A cappella beginning? Harmony? Duet? Band dropping out mid-way through with vocals backed only by drums? Why, it’s a perfect song! And even if it was a little uneven during the solo parts, it was great fun indeed. I wonder if Danny will let me borrow that necklace?

Kris Allen – “Come Together” – Honestly, I thought Kris might disappear in this song because it’s SO big, but in the end he held his own. And he actually made me like a Beatles song, which is nothing short of remarkable. Kris knows his strengths so well, and he found ways to play to those strengths in the middle of a genre that’s not really him at all. I liked it a lot.

[As we’re listening to the judges, I can’t help but wonder if the judges have made up their minds in terms of who they want in the finale and if they’re constructing their comments accordingly. I’m not trying to be all cynical, mind you, but what Kris did was WAY better than what Allison did, and he was even way outside his comfort zone, thankyouverymuch.]

[Bless his heart.]

Danny Gokey – “Dream On” – The first part was really engaging (and surprising, at that), but the end was a little rough around the edges. It was a bold choice for sure, and it should be enough to get him to the final three.

Allison Iraheta and Adam Lambert – “Slow Ride” – They sounded good together, but at this stage in the show I was so outdone that my reaction was pretty much along the lines of Um, whatever.

Now. A brief rant.

The judges kept telling Danny and Kris that they know rock and roll isn’t what they do, but WHY PICK THAT THEME WHEN YOU KNOW THAT TWO OUT OF YOUR FOUR CONTESTANTS DON’T STEP ANYWHERE NEAR THAT GENRE AND SEMI-FINALS ARE A WEEK AWAY? Plus, with every other theme week, contestants could modify the songs to fit the genre they prefer (for example: disco week), but tonight everyone was LOCKED IN to the rock deal. I’m not so sure that’s entirely fair when you’re heading into semi-final week; let these people do what they do best by giving them some flexibility within the genre.

Also: what’s up with Adam getting to sing first and last?

Another also: what’s up with the reference to the “two seasoned rock stars” at the end? The “rock god” and “rock goddess” getting to close the show? Simon saying that Adam and Allison’s duet may give Allison “a chance to stay in the show”? And Simon not asserting who was the better of two with Adam and Allison after he totally threw Kris under the bus after his duet with Danny?

Fishy.

Honestly, I’m so outdone right now that I’m going to quit typing so that I can vote for Kris and Danny about 100 times a piece. A HUNDRED TIMES.

/end rant

What did y’all think?

If you’d like to add your own AI post to the Mr. Linky, please leave the permalink to your specific post and not your general blog URL.

Tonight’s episode of American Idol brings us the music of the Rat Pack. I feel this theme is a much better than, say, music of the Brat Pack, because quite frankly I’m not so sure that Rob Lowe or Ally Sheedy really ever sang anything that would merit repeating on national television.

Which reminds me: what in the world ever happened to Judd Nelson?

I do digress. I beg your pardon.

Anyway, on with the show (and seriously, I have high hopes for tonight – such fantastic songs, you know?).

Kris Allen – “The Way You Look Tonight” – Here’s the best way I know to say it: THAT WAS DREAMY. I loved the arrangement, loved that he put a little spin on the song in the last half of it, and loved that he flat-out rocked his suit. I don’t think it was his strongest performance, mind you, but it was mighty fine indeed.

Allison Iraheta – “Someone To Watch Over Me” – I was excited to see that she finally dialed it down a notch or nine, because when I first heard tonight’s theme I had visions of her doing some rock-it-out version of “Luck Be A Lady Tonight.” But I actually really liked her performance – she showed her range in a way that she hasn’t before, and she also showed that she’s capable of being a little bit more restrained. Well done.

Matt Giraud – “My Funny Valentine” – Raise your hand if you’re surprised that Matt broke out a fedora for Rat Pack week. No hands? SHOCKING. I think this was a good song choice for him, and while his vocals weren’t as solid as, say, Kris’s, they were good. Also: he didn’t try to break out the falsetto in strange places, and that was a welcome change from the last two weeks. HOWEVER. The husband just said that Matt’s version didn’t come anywhere close to Melinda Doolittle’s version of this song a couple of years ago, and yes: EXCELLENT point.

Danny Gokey – “Come Rain or Come Shine” – First of all, I TRIPLE LOVED his suit. Just for the record. And as for the singing: MY WORD. That was hands-down my favorite performance this season. I had goosebumps all the way down to my toes. He had a sparkle in his eye when he started to sing – like he had a vocal trick or two up his sleeve – and good grief, did he ever deliver. So, so great.

Adam Lambert – “It’s A New Day” – As Corky St. Clair might say, this was a little dramatical for me. Something about the white suit and the black shirt and the walking down twenty two stairs at the beginning of the performance. I really liked what Adam did last week, but this was back in Rocky Horror-ish / squawky mode, in my opinion. It was all very odd. Nothing nuanced or subtle about it.

All in all, this is the strongest top five ever, I think. I have no idea who will go home tomorrow night, but I’m guessing it’ll be Matt or Allison.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch Danny Gokey sing about forty-four more times before I go to bed. SWEET MERCY HE WAS PHENOMENAL.

What did y’all think?

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