I’m a little late starting “The Office” tonight because I COULD NOT TURN AWAY from the Ole Miss/South Carolina football game. So here it is 10:20 in the PM, and I am just now starting to watch, but I don’t mind the late hour one bit because I AM COMMITTED TO THE WATCHING OF THE TELEVISION, PEOPLE. I may not be particularly rested tomorrow, but I will be fully caught up on the life and times of Michael Scott and his friends, and that, THAT IS WHAT MATTERS.

The highlights.

1) “We are the three amigos. And once in awhile, one of the amigos will go off to the bathroom while the other two have a secret meeting.”

2) “I’m sorry. I thought this was a free country. I didn’t know we lived in communist Sweden.”

3) Dwight’s reenactment of Darryl’s injury – pulling off his glasses was classic

4) “What can I do for ya, hoss?”

5) “I’m in this weird, flirty, nebulous thing with a cousin of mine.”

6) “I say go with the airtight plan. And that is why I’m having Andy wheel me into the conference room inside of a makeshift cheese cart. It is just…elegant.”

7) Dwight and Toby on stakeout

8) “I say my greatest talent is being the best man, woman or child to have ever run this branch ever.”

9) “Jim is like Big Bird…Big Bird doesn’t make the tough decisions…I would put Bert in charge, or one of the real grown-ups in charge, like Maria, or Gordon, maybe?”

10) “I’d have to talk to my mother and my guy at H&R Block.”

11) “I tried to keep Michael in the dark. I should have known that he can do just as much damage in the dark.”

12) “Toby Flenderson is doing drugs.”

13) “What about you, Michael?”
“I am also being promoted to co-manager. We will be co-managers together.”

14) “I’ll just have whatever’s fanciest, unless there’s ribs.”

15) “Pam. My purse was there.”

What did y’all think? Do you think Michael felt threatened by Jim? Or do you think he really just wanted to keep his D-M family together (“and the baby”), dysfunctional though it may be?

So here’s my favorite scene from last week’s Office. Hands down. And I should probably warn you that if you’re not an Office fan or even a casual watcher, you will think this is the oddest sitcom spectacle you have ever witnessed. And you will wonder why are these Dunder-Mifflin people so strange? And do they know that they’re acting ridiculous? And what’s up with the guy in the mustard colored shirt and is he aware that his hair has some issues?

But if you ARE an Office fan – well, you love this clip already.

Personally, I think we’d all do well to remember the wisdom of Michael Scott: we all go together or we go one at a time.

Words to live by, my friends.

Parkour!

Well, there was ever-so-much on the line in tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette: two individual dates, one group date, and the five remaining guys get hometown dates next week. So basically it’s a reality television pressure cooker.

We began the episode with Jillian and the bachelors taking a train ride. The first individual date went to Robby, who started off their time together by showing off his sah-weet bartending moves. He followed up the bartending by throwing down a serious train-related pun (“I think I’m on the right track”), so clearly he is now one of my favorite people in the universe. He went on to tell Jillian that yes, he’s 25 years old and hasn’t been in a relationship in a while and doesn’t really have a job right now, but love has no age and love has no job.

Words to live by, my friends.

Words to live by.

After Robby shared his wisdom, he and Jillian (JILLIAN AND HIM) walked into another part of the train so that they could hang out on some sort of fur-lined daybed. Robby then told Jillian that he’d had lots of ideas for his career but nothing had really come of any of them. Jillian was understandably underwhelmed by his career uncertainty, she didn’t give him a rose, and THEN THE TRAIN STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND ROBBY HAD TO LEAVE.

I guess love also has no ride.

And then.

AND THEN.

Our resident snake-in-the-grass, Wes (I’m sorry if he’s your friend. He’s probably a wonderful person in real life. But in pretend-reality-TV life, he’s the most manipulative bachelor ever), confessed that he has a hidden agenda (YA THINK?) because he’s working on an album and craves the fame that he’ll take away from the show (note to Wes: considering I have watched every single episode of this show and cannot name even one rejected bachelor from any of the previous Bachelorette seasons, I THINK YOUR PLAN HAS SOME FLAWS). Then he snuck off to Jillian’s room and snuggled up to her and I had to look away from Snaky McCreeperson before my eyes started to bleed.

After Wes went away, Jillian and Jake spent some time together. Jake seems like the sweetest guy, but he comes across like he’s reading from a script when he talks – if there’s such a thing as overly sincere, Jake is it. In fact, he’s the Patty Simcox of The Bachelorette. He’s SO nice – to the point that it doesn’t seem real. Or maybe I’m just cynical. And it’s probably that last thing.

Jillian and Kiptyn also got to spend some time together, and it became crystal clear that with those two conversation is just a formality they have to endure so that they can justify making out. They have some chemistry.

And then.

AND THEN.

Tanner P cornered Jillian and they sat down in front of a fireplace and HE PULLED OUT SOME LOTION AND RUBBED IT ON HER FEET. There’s no way I could possibly chronicle everything that was COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY DISTURBING about Tanner P’s reactions to Jillian’s feet, so let me just say that I was particularly troubled by his comment that her feet were a 9 1/2 but would be a 10 if she painted her toenails with Mango Mango instead of red.

Well sure. Sure they would. And it’s not at all weird for a guy to know the names of nail polish colors. That is completely normal.

Afterwards Jillian talked to Jesse and Michael, Tanner confessed to the guys that he told Jillian that someone had a girlfriend, and Wes told the group that since he was going to get the publicity from six episodes of the show, he’d pretty much gotten what he came there for.

Such a charmer, that Wes.

Jake went to Jillian and confessed that he was crazy about her, and Jillian responded by giving him an awkward kiss on the hand. He tried to kiss her, but she moved to the side and went in for the hug. Afterwards she had a one-on-one date with Reid. They went snowboarding and then had cocktails in the middle of some ice sculptures on the top of a mountain. Watching them sit in the middle of those ice sculptures reminded me of my absolute favorite thing about The Bachelorette: IT’S SO REALISTIC.

Then Jillian and Reid went to dinner, and I have to say that they had a quirky little chemistry in their conversation. I liked that he didn’t automatically say what he thought she wanted to hear. He wasn’t afraid to disagree with her (even to the point of saying he was “kind of against fondue” – ???), and that was a nice departure from the Bachelorette norm. Yay, Reid.

Once the rose ceremony rolled around, it was pretty clear that Jake and Tanner P were going to get the Bachelorette boot. But Jillian threw a curve ball and told the guys she had a few questions she needed to ask, and she pulled Michael aside to express her reservations about his age.

So do you know what happened next?

Jake and Tanner P got the boot.

And Wes made it another week.

But according to the previews, Jake – along with his pilot uniform and his roller suitcase – will be back next week to set the record straight about Wes. It’s a confrontation that’s sure to be fueled by common sense and level-headed thinking.

Oh, who am I kidding? It’s totally going to be FRAUGHT WITH THE MELODRAMA. Not to mention record levels of incorrect pronoun usage.

I can hardly wait.

Well, this is definitely the Bachelorette post that almost wasn’t because I haven’t been able to access my blog for the last four hours. I’d explain all the details except that I’d hate myself tomorrow for using terms like CPU and overload and dedicated servers. So just suffice it to say that the last WordPress upgrade was very, very unkind to me. Just like Dave was very, very unkind to Jillian on last week’s episode.

Did you see how I did that? Did you see how I connected my computer issues to The Bachelorette? Mrs. Scarbrough, my 10th grade English teacher, would be so tickled. Except that she’d probably think that watching The Bachelorette is tacky. And she’d probably write “awk” next to that last sentence because it is in fact incredibly awkward.

On second thought, maybe she wouldn’t be so tickled after all.

Tonight we joined Jillian and the bachelors in Whistler, British Columbia, a location that, oddly enough, was also featured on Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood last week.

(Perhaps I’ve revealed too much. I hope the fact that I not only mentioned Tori Spelling’s reality show but also happen to WATCH IT FAITHFULLY won’t change this thing we have going on here. Because we’re all pretty magical together, you know.)

(Anyhoo.)

The first one-on-one date went to Michael, who makes me laugh in spite of myself. He’s genuinely energetic and seems completely devoid of pretense. And on top of that, we get to see the words “Breakdance Instructor” underneath his name whenever he appears on screen. You can’t buy that kind of joy, people. Oh no you cannot.

Michael and Jillian went zip lining, which gave her the opportunity to scream a whole bunch. The good news is that the zip line in Canada moved way faster than the one Jillian and Ed tried out in LA (I’m telling you: that LA zipline moved about as fast as a robotic papaw in a slow-motion shuffleboard tournament). After the zip lining Michael and Jillian went to dinner, and back at the condo the guys tried to figure out who told Jillian that one of the guys had a girlfriend. While they talked, Tanner P. sat on the couch and looked like he wanted to throw up.

Ultimately Jillian gave Michael a rose, and the next day she met eight of the guys for a little snowmobiling. She and Robby had a heart-to-heart, and while they were talking Tanner P. and Wes trashed Robby behind his back. Funny thing: the behind-the-back trash talking made me like those two LESS THAN EVER. Later Wes put the moves on Jillian while he was sitting on a chair made of snow, and it really does blow my mind that Jillian thinks he’s genuine. I don’t know – maybe he is – but I can’t see it. Every single time he talks to her I halfway expect him to pull a CD out of his pocket, grin at the camera and say, “I agree with you, Jillian, and I wrote a song about that very topic on my latest album. If you act now, you can buy this CD – and get a special bonus CD – for the low, low price of $9.99. Plus shipping and handling, of course. Darlin’.”

After all the snowmobiling Jillian spent some time with Kiptyn and Reid, and then we found out that Ed’s boss gave him an ultimatum: leave the show or lose your job. All I could think when Ed was explaining his situation was “HE’S THE BEST ONE. HE CAN’T LEAVE. HE’S THE BEST ONE.” Jillian gave Ed the rose to reassure him that she wants him to stick around, but judging from the previews I just saw, I’m guessing that Ed’s going to hit the road in about 22 minutes.

HE’S THE BEST ONE.

The final date went to Jesse. He and Jillian took a ride in a ski plane and then landed on a glacier (oh, if I had a dollar for every time I’d done that, I’d be FLAT DANG BROKE). They fell in the snow a whole bunch and seemed to have a lovely time. After their afternoon on the glacier (there’s a phrase you don’t hear very often), they went to dinner, got all flirty and cutesy with each other, and then Jillian gave him a rose in the hot tub.

Again: if I had a dollar….

The next day Ed told Jillian that he had to leave because of his job.

Y’ALL. HE’S THE BEST ONE. Seriously. Without Ed on the show, I could stop watching right now and never look back. Because now I’m pretty sure that Jillian will end up with Kiptyn and have a couple of children named Immileigh and Jaycub.

When it was time for the rose ceremony, Jillian decided that she didn’t need a cocktail party to help her make up her mind. And let me tell you: it was a good thing Jesse already had a rose because did anybody else notice that he was wearing a v-necked t-shirt – and ONLY a v-necked t-shirt – underneath his blazer? It was a bit of a fashion fail. In the end Mark went home without a rose, but it should have been Wes – if for no other reason than his completely disingenuous “I’m sorry about Ed – but I’m still here” comment when he accepted his rose. Because that comment? Made me want to kick things.

In conclusion comma I would just like to say that ED’S THE BEST ONE.

And now the whole thing is rurnt.

The end.

I don’t know who we need to thank for the fact that The Bachelorette is two hours long this season, but clearly the person who made that programming decision is about twenty-two kinds of brilliant. I’m telling you: a mere hour cannot contain all the Bachelorette goodness.

Tonight we found out right off the bat that there are going to be two individual dates and one group date. Now I’m no mathematician, but I’m pretty sure that means that you have three dates spread among sixteen guys, so those individual dates offer a HUGE advantage. Ed was the first guy picked for an individual date, and I was tickled because Melanie and I have said from the very beginning that he seemed like the best “normal guy” pick for Jillian.

HOWEVER.

Jillian very nearly ruined my happy anticipation of their date when she said, “I want him and I just to be alone.”

PEOPLE. WHAT IS SO TERRIBLY DIFFICULT ABOUT CORRECT PRONOUN USAGE? DIDN’T WE COVER THIS IN THE EIGHTH GRADE? DO I NEED TO MAKE SOME CHARTS AND SEND THEM TO ABC?

Fortunately, my pronoun disappointment was tempered by the fact that the producers broke out the first official Soaring Ballad of the season to accompany Jillian and Ed’s helicopter ride. I’ve watched enough of these things to know that a Soaring Ballad means things are going to go SUPER WELL for Ed. They don’t waste that music on guys who are headed home.

In typical first date fashion, Ed and Jillian followed up their helicopter ride with some sort of urban rappelling (PUN ALERT: “In order to fall in love, you have to take A LEAP OF FAITH”), and then they went swimming. Ed wore his belt. Something tells me he’s a bit preppy.

At the end of their date Jillian and Ed (do you think they’d mind if I call them Jed?) had dinner on top of a rooftop, and there was much chemistry between them. In fact, I haven’t seen a TV couple with so much chemistry since, well, Jason and Melissa on last season’s Bachelor. So based on how all of that worked out: LOOK OUT, JED!

To absolutely no one’s surprise, Jillian gave Ed a rose. And I would like to go on the record right here and now – on June 1, 2009 – with the following bold prediction: “Ed. FINAL TWO. The end.”

The next date was a group date with 11 – ELEVEN – guys, and I really don’t think I can re-cap what happened because just thinking about spending time with eleven other people at once and trying to talk to each one of them equally made me shiver. Those guys were jammed into their limo like sardines, and IF THAT WEREN’T ENOUGH, when I saw that they were going to be filming “scenes” for a “movie,” I had to bury my head in my hands because all I could think of was Jason’s “General Hospital” date debacle and why, why would the producers subject us to that level of awkward again, WHY?

Seriously, y’all. It was physically painful. I had to fast forward through parts of it. And when Wes used his corny line that went something like, “Now I can’t have you cheating on me, little lady,” I felt an overwhelming urge to stand up and make a snide remark about that denim duster coat he was wearing. But I didn’t because I am far too mature for such things, as evidenced by the fact that I am sitting in my house on a Monday night and blogging about a reality television show where grown men perform in skits in order to woo a woman they’ve known for less than a week.

After they “filmed” their “scenes,” everybody went to a place downtown for some cocktails. Juan wouldn’t stop touching Jillian, and then Tanner P started in on the feet stuff again. And speaking of that, do you know what’s sort of funny about Tanner P’s obsession with Jillian’s feet?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Anyway, Jillian gave the group date rose to Robby, and I bet you a dollar to a donut that when he got back to the bunkhouse he made a Robsmo to celebrate.

The next individual date went to Sasha, who made my whole week when he said the following: “I always refer to myself as a wolf, because most people sort of follow and stay in line but I’m always looking for that mythical unicorn.”

Anybody have any idea at all what that means?

Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?

Jillian and Sasha went to an automotive museum and looked at cars and took pictures of each other? Because that’s fun? And comfortable? Then they got to drive a Ferrari and afterwards they ate dinner next to some old cars. It was also the first date in Bachelor history where unicorns were mentioned FOUR TIMES for no discernible reason.

Bueller?

Sadly, Jillian didn’t give Sasha a rose. Nor did she give him that “mythical unicorn.”

And, as we all know, the “mythical unicorn” is vastly different and far more valuable than all the real-live unicorns that roam freely among us.

After the date Wes took it upon himself to walk up to the mansion and hope someone in the music industry was watching the show serenade Jillian. It would have been really sweet if it hadn’t been one of the most shamefully cheesy moments I’ve ever witnessed.

The rose ceremony got a little tense because David, who didn’t have a date this week, finally got a chance to talk to Jillian but was interrupted five minutes later by Juan. Juan apparently wanted to sit down and chat with Jillian about her wardrobe choices while he used a tone of voice that was so gentle and soft that it frightened me. Maybe it’s just that he remembered way too much about Jillian’s clothes. Maybe it’s because he said “a hoodie and some sweats” twice in one minute. Maybe it’s because he was trying WAAAAAY too hard. But OH, the awkward, it was palpable.

There was some drama between David and Juan (David thinks Juan is fake and aloof; Juan claims he is only there for Jillian). Then Jillian talked to Chris in the Chamber of Headshots, and she gave roses to everybody you’d expect (even Tanner P, whose foot ishahs don’t seem to bother her a bit). Juan and David both got roses, which wasn’t shocking at all since there’s still some quality dramatic TV to be had between those two in them thar Bachelorette hills. We had to bid farewell to Tanner F and Brad, both of whom were disappointed that Jillian can’t seem to see through the guys that they perceive as insincere.

I for one cannot imagine that anyone who signs up for a reality television dating show would have anything other than the noblest and purest intentions.

And, of course, a hankerin’ for some mythical unicorns.